Miracles happen and dreams really do come true

There are many emotions running through my body right now. I have a lot to say, but words fail me. When we started our infertility treatments, I knew in my heart of hearts, deep down, often so deep down that it seemed impossible, I just knew that at some point, it would be our turn.

Watching friend after friend, family member after family member, get pregnant and have babies was so painful. It was as if they were living my dream and God had forgotten about me.

But, I pushed on. Family told me I was crazy. I was told I needed to give it up. We tried to adopt. We did so many IUI's that I lost count. I've been injected with more hormones than I ever imagined. We had a failed fresh and a failed frozen IVF cycle. Then, it happened. Something finally clicked. I became pregnant on our second fresh IVF cycle.

However, I never, not even for one second of my pregnancy, let myself truly believe that it was actually my turn. My reasoning? If, God forbid, something happened to the baby, it would be unbearable. I needed to protect myself.

Before this pregnancy, I used to be a lot of things.

I used to be scared of needles. I used to have no hope. I used to skip baby showers. I used to stay awake at night, crying because I didn't know how I'd go on if I never got pregnant again. I used to watch other people live my dreams and be jealous. I was so jealous. I was unhappy. I was defeated.

Then, on 12/13/14, at 1:19am, this happened:

And, all was well with my soul.

In one split second, my world was filled with hope again. My daughter looked into my eyes and eleven years of pain were suddenly gone. I was free from the pain of infertility. I was free from the pain that comes with years of failure. It all finally made sense.

This tiny little girl was meant to be ours. Had I gotten pregnant in a different cycle, this baby, my baby, wouldn't be laying on my chest, crying her way into my soul. We were never meant to have another baby. This sweet angel came into the world and healed the saddest places in my heart.

My world is complete.

37+6

Today, I'm still pregnant and I'm very okay with that. It's not that I'm not ready to meet our baby girl. I just am not sure that I'm ready to put the pregnancy part behind me. It has sucked horribly, but knowing that I'll never get to do this again? A little sad.

But, on a happier note, I'm huge! The baby has been estimated to be around 7ish pounds, but I'm sure she's closer to 20lbs. There's no way that I gained all that weight in my butt.

I've been feeling pretty crampy for the last week, on and off. Hopefully, that means something is happening in there. I was only dilated a fingertip at my last appointment. I think that was her way to make me feel better. I'm not sure that a fingertip even means much. But, I really was okay with it. Like I said, I'm just going with the flow at this point. I am on maternity leave, as of yesterday. The baby has dropped and I have to pee a couple of times an hour. That just isn't possible at my work. So, I decided that I'm done. While it's nice to be done, I need to continue to fill my time so I don't drive myself crazy.

As for going with the flow, she wants to induce at 39+1, which is next week. It has to do with my anxiety. I feel a little guilty for needing to be induced, but it really is the healthiest option at this point. Of course, she is welcome to pick her own due date this week! 

Besides the anxiety, I'm in a good place. Bag is packed, baby stuff has been washed and is just waiting, and her room is done. I am so excited to meet this long awaited and prayed for baby. The hubs, on the other hand, is freaking out. I catch him looking at me every-so-often. I think it's a mix of him being in awe of me being pregnant, my sheer size (as I'm usually pretty small), and the fact that an actual baby will be here soon. He's a bigger mess than I am! And, for the record, he has gained more weight than I have. Poor guy!

Ayden is as excited as they come. He cannot wait for her to get here. The other night, I had an upset stomach from something I ate. When I mentioned it, he got all excited, thinking it was baby time. Poor kid. He keeps a very close eye on me, as do the dogs. There isn't a minute when one of the three of them isn't following me around the house.

Now that I'm close to being done, I will admit that being pregnant after infertility hasn't been the easiest mentally. However, I can truly say that I would take this entire experience, all 11 years, and do it all over again to be sitting here just waiting to meet our precious baby girl. We are so extremely blessed. Fat, but blessed!

Wow.

Clearly, yesterday was not a good day. Holy depressing post. But, it's my reality, I guess. After getting that all out, I felt a zillion times better. I'm still not buying this whole pregnancy thing, but at least I'm not as down as I was yesterday.

Last night, our glider came in the mail. It was pretty surreal to sit in it and imagine that I'll be holding an outside baby really soon. When I rocked, the little lady moved all over the place. Based on her movement during this pregnancy, I have a feeling that she won't be as laid back as her big brother.

I had big plans to get some things done around here...packing my bag, cleaning the house, and whatever else I could get myself into. But, then this past Tuesday, I fell in my work parking lot and sprained my foot. Yep. Sure did.

Crutches and being 8 months pregnant do not go well together. Honestly, this can probably be why my mood sucked a huge one yesterday. I'm so mad at myself for falling. Granted, I didn't do it on purpose, but I had crap to get done darn it.

I was off work for the rest of the week and probably sitting around here, looking at all I need to do and making lists of things to do put me in a crappy mood. But, I have been able to put a little pressure on my foot, so hopefully by next weekend I'll be good to go.

This morning, I went through and read all of my posts from this last IVF. First, my mind was all over the place. Second, how is it that IVF even works? So weird. Clearly, I'm here to prove that it does, but it's just so unexplainable to me. I get the whole science part, but to think that this baby has already been out of my body at one point? Weird. Then, to look at pictures of a ball of 100 cells and to now feel her kicking the crap out of me? So amazing.

What would I tell this girl if I could give her advice on her transfer day?

I'd tell her to hang in there. Granted, I was doped up on Xanax before transfer in this picture, I was also full of doubt. Hope had left the building. I'd let her know that it really will be okay. Miracles really do happen and even though she'd waited a long time and felt overlooked, her time was so very close. I'd let her know that faster than she would even realize, she'd be in the third trimester, waiting to deliver a beautiful baby girl. The daughter she was positive that she'd never get the chance to meet. She was wrong. All of those years, she was so very wrong. And, for the first time in her entire life, it would feel so amazing to have been wrong! There would soon be tiny pink clothes filling her home and tons of pink baby stuff starting to take over. She'd still be very confused as to why these things were in her house, but deep inside, she knew that it would be okay. Her baby girl found her and the day they will meet will be like no other day in the history of her entire life. A miracle. Saved just for this hopeless girl.

34+2 Weeks

Infertility.

I have thought of myself as infertile for so long that this is all still very surreal for me. Not even surreal. Just, not possible. I mean, I see myself getting bigger. A lot bigger. But, my mind hasn't caught up with why. My heart is protecting all of me from anything that might go wrong, I believe.

I've heard that once a person who has struggled with infertility is pregnant, she never can get rid of the feelings of being infertile. This is supposedly true the longer you dealt with infertility.

I thought it was a bunch of crap.

I was wrong. It is so very true. I still see myself as broken. It's very, very odd. I am going through the motions so I can be prepared for a baby in a few weeks, but I have not really been able to enjoy or embrace the fact that it will be me bringing my very own baby home.

Waiting for that other shoe to drop.

I have just recently started to deal with the loss of our twin. The twin that we lost will be born on the same day as our little girl. I'm not sure how to handle that. At the hospital where we will deliver, they play a lullaby when a baby is born. Do I ask them do play it twice for us, like they do for other twins that are born? Is that a weird request? I'm not sure.

We were told that because we lost our baby before his/her bones were hardened, he/she will not be recognizable to us, but the doctor will be able to tell. I don't want to see it. But, is that wrong? No clue. I just pray that the joy from our little girl being born will take over my grief for our loss.

I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I have been carrying both of my babies for this long, but only get to bring one home. I'm absolutely terrified that something will happen to our surviving twin and I'll come home with empty arms.

So, infertility, here's a big "Fuck You" for stealing any chance I've had at enjoying my pregnancy, not for a lack of trying.

30+4 Weeks

Here I am. Thirty weeks pregnant. Wow.

Seeing as how it's pretty eminent that a baby is coming, not that I believe it yet, we decided to get things together. This weekend, we tackled the baby's room. The dresser and changing table (that I swore I didn't want) are now assembled and waiting for little missy to poo all over. Crazy, right?

Ayden is more and more excited everyday and talks to the baby all the time. The hubs and I are just freaked out. Actually, the hubs is stressed from putting furniture together all weekend. I'm freaked out.

My dad, being the sweet guy that he is, wanted to purchase the car seat for us. Super nice of him, but he wants it to be her Christmas present. Also, sweet, but somehow I need to explain that it's entirely possible that she'll be here before Christmas and we'll need that present a tad early. Plus, it would be nice to install it pre hospital admittance.

We have all of the major items now and just need little things, soaps, lotions, whatever else calls my name from now until December. A friend of ours is letting us buy her Mamaroo for $100. She only used it for her baby for about 5 months. Great deal for us!

I'm trying to get FMLA figured out at work. I was forced to use days when I did IVF, even though I didn't want to, so that has screwed me now. I'm so very not happy about it, but there's not much I can do, I guess. Just be pissed.

29+4 Weeks

I missed week 28 and I'm not really sure where it went. All of a sudden, the 30's are coming up fast. This weekend, the hubs and I took three days for a little time away before the craziness of the holidays and the baby get here. We had a wonderful time and we are both pooped. I'm not really sure how I'm actually typing this because my eyes are barely staying open.

This Thursday I'll be 30 weeks. Holy crap. Then, on Saturday, we have our childbirth class. Apparently, I'm supposed to birth this baby. I keep getting emails from random sites that I use for baby development updates that are telling me to pack a bag for the hospital. Weird. Like, really odd.

The rest of the furniture was delivered while we were gone, so now the hubs needs to get it put together so I can feel a little more prepared because, right now, I don't feel prepared. At all. Not even a little.

Mentally, I'm still not really believing this is real. I think I just need to hold her to know she is absolutely okay. Then, I can believe it. Hopefully, we can still manage to get things ready even though we feel like frauds while we're doing it!

Hello, 3rd Tri! 27 weeks

I know I've said it many times, but I absolutely don't understand how I made it this far. I really don't. On the way to work, I realized that it probably has a lot to do with all of the babies that we've lost. I really didn't trust my body to get me this far. Look at her now! If our baby was born now, she'd have a 95% viability rate. Not shabby odds! Granted, I'd much rather wait another couple of months to meet her.

Our pack n play came in the mail yesterday and we put it together tonight. It was so weird. We plan on keeping it set up downstairs to use the bassinet and changing table features early on during the day. Once we got it together, we couldn't stop laughing. There will be an actual baby in this thing. Like a tiny baby who we get to raise. So weird.

I am 100% sure that neither of us will actually believe this for a second until we see her little gooey face when she is born. How can anyone comprehend that there is a living baby growing in you, especially an infertile? It just doesn't make sense. Kinda like planes. That much metal shouldn't be able to fly either. I really think that whole flying thing is just a hoax anyway.

Ayden has decided that he wants the baby to be born on his 1/2 birthday, December 12th. I'll be a couple of days over 38 weeks. I'm not sure that he understands that you don't typically get to pick the day. But, we'll just let him dream.

I would like to have her before Christmas for lots of reasons. Mainly, and selfishly, I have waited 11 years to have more than one child sitting in front of the tree on Christmas morning. This year, Ayden still believes in Santa. He's a little old for it, but I've held on to it hoping that I could let him enjoy the idea of Santa with a sibling some day. Granted, the baby will have no clue what's going on, but I will. See, selfish. I told the hubs that if Ayden asks about Santa this year, not to let me know if he tells him. I have issues. I get it.

We are contemplating my hysterectomy. It makes me really sad to know that I'll never have another baby, but I cannot do the pregnancy thing again. The stress from this pregnancy was more than either of us could do again. This leaves our one embryo, Dudly, out in the world of the unknown. See, if we get our hopes up and do a transfer, I just can't take one more "nope you're broken, BFN." However, if we don't transfer, we'll feel like horrible people. Plus, the fear that we'd miscarry if it did take is more than I can even think about. It's a lot to talk about, but the idea of no endo pain sounds amazing.