Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

After eating some healthy fried McD's for dinner, the hubs announced that he has decided that he is going to try and eat healthier...tomorrow. He does have a crap ton of ice cream to finish tonight, after all. Ayden, who is very into working out and eating apples for the time being, gave him a list of healthy eats: lettuce, apples, salad, and maybe a walk. The hubs was anything but excited that his 8 (9 tomorrow) year old boy was giving him health tips. Then, Ayden went up stairs and the hubs asked me if I was a good witch or a bad witch. Not sure what he meant, most likely it had to do with my mood of the minute with the amount hormones I have flowing through my body, I avoided the question by telling him that I was having cramps. The hubs asked, in the Wiz of Oz voice, if they were "good cramps or bad cramps". I though he was joking, but he wasn't. Then, I started to think. I am 4dpiui. It's kinda early, but could it be? Guess we'll find out in a couple of weeks. Two weeks from today is my beta...ahhhh!

The hubs is being a little more positive this cycle, too. Maybe it's because I am. Maybe it's because he's feeling it, too. Ayden was talking about how he feels bad for our neighbor because he is the youngest kid in the neighborhood. The hubs said, "Well, just right now. Not for long." Ayden didn't catch on, but I sure did. Maybe he knows something I don't.

Any which way, exactly two weeks from today, we will know the fate of our family. Will we be leaving "only child parenting" behind us? Will we be pink or blue? Will there be just one?

Speaking of that, the hubs wants to be a member of Team Green. As in, he doesn't want to know what we're having. Fine. I'll go with it. But, just for fun, I was wondering at what number of babies growing inside of me would he be willing to find out genders. The answer is: 4. Apparently, with one, two, or three, you can just wing it. Four? Not so much. Who knew. I will never understand his logic. But, because he's put up with all of this madness for the last eight years, I'll go along with it.

3dp{last}iui

My bbs are killing me. I know it's too soon for it to mean a pregnancy and I don't start my progesterone until tonight. I did get my last trigger booster shot today, but the girls started hurting yesterday. So, of course, I Go.ogled it. Apparently, it means I ovulated. Thanks Dr. Go.ogle. Tell me something I don't know!

I'm also starving. Even after I get done eating/snacking, I want more. This could be problematic. So, I whipped out the treadmill and did my time on it this afternoon. I hate these darn side effects, but I'll take them if it means a baby in my arms.

2dp{last}iui

Today we celebrated my son's 9th birthday. His actual birthday isn't until Tuesday, but we did our family party today. We are so blessed. First, Ayden is hysterical! He had everyone rolling as he told jokes and gave quick one-liners. I'm sure he got it from me! Second, my family is great. This is the first cycle we have told everyone what we are doing. Before, we kept it really quiet. But, we really need the support no matter which way this ends. My dad put us on a huge prayer chain and people will continue praying until the end of the month when we know how things go. He said people have been emailing him their best wishes for us and letting him know we are in their prayers. My mom and my husband's parents know just when to say enough and when to not say anything. I'm not sure if that comes from not knowing what to say or not wanting to bug us over it, but them just thinking of us is exactly what we need.

Here are some pics of the birthday boy:



"Happy Birthday!"



Making a Wish...

Serious Family Pose

That's more like it!

We ended the day by taking Ayden to the batting cages to try out his new baseball bat he got for his birthday. I even did my time in the cage and I'm pretty sure I impressed my boys who think I'm a hot mess of clumsiness...if they only knew me in my sports glory days! Now, we're all cuddled up on the couch, realizing after quite a busy day. Now, if only every day in the next 2 weeks goes this fast!

So...about the last post...

Okay. I'll admit. I was a disaster in the mood department this morning. What can I say? I was running on very little sleep, it was 5:30am, and I was already freaking out about my iui being a day later than I thought it should be...which really means I have an issue with trusting others. That's an issue for a completely different day. I also vowed NOT to tell the hubs about my newest reason for anxiety, although it was a pretty big deal considering an egg is mandatory in baby making.

Well, not telling the hubs lasted about an hour and 10 minutes after my last post. He was getting ready at a pace slower than a three legged turtle, so I went upstairs and flipped out. I can't recall most of what I said since it was in a state of panic and hormone induced rage, but it went something like this:er,

Me: Are you kidding? We need to leave in 5 minutes! What are you doing????

Him: (Blank stare like I had 14 heads)

Me: Hello??? Are you planning on coming with me or do you want me to pick up donor sperm on the way?

Him: (Blank stare like I had 14 heads)

Me: Maybe I'll pick up some eggs on my way also since I ovulated yesterday and my eggs are probably now dead! (Storm off)

Him: What? Get back here.

Which I didn't do. Instead, I went downstairs and did my hair like none of the above actually happened. Poor guy. When he finally realized I wasn't going to rip his head off and eat it, he came downstairs and I explained that I was afraid that all the pain from yesterday was me ovulating, and since I was in no pain today, I positive that we'd missed it. To which he said simply, "It will still work. It's fine." Huh?

And, that's all I needed to hear. Nerves calmed down and off we went to get knocked up with my crazy lady dead eggs and his fantastic swimmers.

Then, I was proven to be a crazy mess at the RE's office. I asked our nurse about all this cramping and was freaking out about missing O and the crappy timing of the iui. (She is the nicest lady. Great sense of humor, but knows when to be serious and calm a hormonal woman the flip down.) She said that my cramping was a GREAT sign. Huh? Yep, that's right. The cramping happens the day before O, especially with the meds I was on. Later, I was having these "pinging/twingy" feelings. Those, I was told, are the egg being released. WTF? No wonder we haven't gotten knocked up. Sweet heavens.

So, not only was this iui on a later cycle day than the others, the timing actually ended up being better, as well. Back to that trust issue...I should probably start to work on that.

Then, I asked for some progesterone support and they doubled what I usually take, so that's another thing I don't have to worry about.

So, apparently, I'm now off to make a baby. Legs, fingers, toes, and whatever else can be crossed are crossed. And, we're on strict orders to get more swimmers up there all weekend...can you say hello yeast infection? Totally kidding...I hope!

Hello 2ww! Beta is on June 25th...

This is how my journey ends

I think I am a good person. I feel like I am. But, if that's so, why do I keep getting crapped on.

I ovulated yesterday. I didn't have an u/s to prove it, but after years of that pain, I know what it means.

IUI today. We missed it. Our last cycle. Thousands of dollars wasted. I can't even tell the hubs. He still has hope, so I'll let one of us have it. We'll just go down there, with two dead eggs floating around in there and do the iui. Why not waste another $300. At least I'll get breakfast out of it.

I am so sad that he will never see one of our babies born. It makes me want to throw up. I was a pin cushion all week for nothing. I'm supposed to stay positive so that it will work. Fat chance. How about if I just forget about the last 8 1/2 years of heart break and crawl under a rock. My dad has us on a prayer chain for 10:30 today. Hundreds of people will be praying for us. My only prayer is that God shows us what a true miracle is and somehow, by his amazing grace, I can still get pregnant. God is bigger than this and that's the only hope I have left.  

Did you just call me fat?

It was more like, "bloated"...but, same thing really. I guess it was my fault. I've been noticing that I'm not I wasn't as bloated this cycle as I had been in past cycles...last week, I maybe would have even put on a two piece bathing suit. If I owned one. And I wasn't self conscious. And I didn't have stretch marks from Ayden. You get the point. But, last night when the hubs did my trigger shot and last Follistim shot, I was flat out bloated. If I would have jumped in a lake, I would have floated...gut up. I asked the hubs if I was a bloated and he said, "Just a little." He was being kind. Then, this morning, I felt a little less bloated. Not bikini wearing un-bloated, but better than last night. Until I asked the hubs. While looking in the mirror, I asked him if I still looked bloated. He took a quick 1-second glance and said, "Yep."

Really?

Wrong answer.

When I asked him if he even looked, he said he though I wanted to be bloated and that it was a good sign. Oh yeah. Because this is a great look for me...I love to look pregnant when I'm not. Does wonders for the ego. While I appreciate his attempt at trying to calm my nerves, that my gut is bloated and it's a good sign that my follies are performing as requested, I'm not really into being called "fat" at 6:30am. So, no carbs for me today.

On a positive note, I'm still carrying some eggies in a couple of follies...yippie! I'm doing it! Once 10:30am came and went today, I breathed a sigh of relief. An egg lives for about 24ish hours. Every hour we get on this side of the clock is a bonus. And, now, I'm up to 3 extra hours of egg life! Come on follies, don't fail me now. Hang tight girls.

While I haven't been moving around much over the last couple of days, as in, I haven't moved from the couch unless it was to feed myself or my family, go to the potty, or go to bed, I did decide to shower last night. I think I was getting stinky. The hubs telling me I smelled "funny" was a dead give away. While I was in the shower, I was thinking about the last decade of my life. One thing I wanted to do in my 20's was to run a marathon. I put that to the side when we started ttc'ing. But, I love to watch marathons on TV, read about them, etc. I've done a few shorter races, but none even close to a marathon. The one thing that always strikes me as crazy is this "wall" that runners hit during a marathon. Usually around mile 22ish, they seem to not be able to carry on one more step. That was me the last couple of days. Seriously, I was freaking out. Straight up panic attack, heart racing, true freaking out. But, then I realized that this infertility journey has been a marathon (maybe even an ultramarathon!) of my own. I hit my wall in the last few days, but now, I'm over it and ready for the last leg of the race. I have roughly two weeks to go until it's all over. This entire ttc journey will be over. I have prayed like a mad woman, trying to conduct myself with grace, that this will end as it's supposed to. I just hope that how it's supposed to end and how I want it to end are the same.

I'll post tomorrow night after my iui. Please, if you're reading this, and you don't mind, send a little (or big) prayer for this iui to be successful tomorrow. 10:30am, here I come!

Darn you emotions...and waiting

First things first, my computer decided not to crap on me. I turned it on to try and fix it and it had fixed itself. So, my more sarcastic self is here in the flesh today. Let's face it, trying to type on the iPad just isn't for me and my short, spastic fingers. Now, I can go in and do some editing clean up on my past few posts because I know they're a hot mess and I just didn't have the energy to fight with the touch screen keyboard any longer and fix it.

Second, I'm a hot mess. Either the estrogen spike has me in a tizzy or I've just flat out lost my mind. I'm walking around here like I'm carrying extremely fragile cargo (my follies) and I'm afraid to make one mis-step and break it (ovulate early). Yes. I know it doesn't work that way. My rational mind realizes this. But, my "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong" mind doesn't communicate with my rational mind during times like this. So, until proven otherwise, I'll keep shuffling my feet.

The RE had us do an extra day of stims (Follistim) to try and help my egg plump a little more. Which is great. But, now we're attempting to push the iui back by another day to cd 15. This is unheard of for my follies. And, they're protesting. On these drugs, I'm an early O'er. So, I'm FREAKING out that at any minute, with any false move, my follies will "pop" and the eggs will float around with nothing to chomp them up. What a waste of $2K. Again. Wow, we've spent a lot of money chasing a dream...

Not only does my body not cooperating have me choking on anxiety, but I'm fighting back fears of "what if"...I won't even say it here, but shit. That would suck. Last try ever. Dream buried in a hole. Sucking big time. Every time my mind wanders that way, I take a deep breath and remember that I'm hear by the grace of God. I had already given up the hopes of having another bio child. But, I was gently pushed back down this road and here I am now. If I can only make it through tomorrow night without O'ing...My new mantra is "Thursday morning, Thursday morning." Then, new worries can start.

Oh, here's something that is a little mind blowing. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but my grandmother follows me everywhere. Seems harmless enough, sweet even. But, she passed away a LONG time ago. She is my mom's mom and I never had the chance to meet her, for many reasons. However, I've been feeling a grandmother-type around me for awhile and then a medium confirmed my suspicion. It was a little weird at first, but she has been quite helpful with dealing with my RE. On the way to one of my appointments last week, I said, "Okay grandma. If you want to help me out, I need the doc to do the follie check on Friday. If I have to wait through the weekend, the anxiety will eat me up. Help me get that across to the doc. Please?"

I can't really explain how that appointment went, but you could almost see the doc arguing with himself/my grandma about when I should come back. He said something like, "Okay, let's do the follie check on cd 12, Monday." (Insert my heart racing because the anxiety was already starting to creep up.) Then, Dr. G said, "Well, wait. Okay...(looking at current and old charts) maybe Friday, cd 9 just to check on things? I can't get you in on Sunday for an u/s, so let's do Friday." Thanks Grandma.

Oh, and Memorial Day weekend...I was trying to figure out how to stay calm and not have panic attacks through this entire cycle. I couldn't come up with anything myself, so I though I'd call for a refill on my anxiety meds. Then, my mom came up on Memorial Day. She told me that she had something she wanted to give me. She pulled out this Miraculous Medal necklace and told me that she wore it when she was trying to get pregnant with my brother. Then, she pulled out another Miraculous Medal that was on a safety pin. She said that when my grandmother was in the nursing home, she kept this medal pinned to her shirt. No one in the family knew about it until after she died. My mom wanted me to have both of them. Forget the anxiety meds. Thanks again Grandma.

CD 1

Today starts our break month. I feel great about it actually. The thought of starting back up with our next iui when I'm out of school for the summer is refreshing. No sick days for doctors appointments, no shots, no sub lesson plans, no 20 questions from the kids when I get back, etc. That will be refreshing. That's not to say that I'm not excited to start back up in June, because I am. June IS my month. It will be our 6th iui. June is the 6th month of the year. It's 6 weeks from today...six has always been my lucky number...that's a good sign, right?

On an non-infertility note, this weekend is my son's First Communion. He looks absolutely adorable in his suit! I can remember, like it was yesterday, my First Communion. My dress and veil were such a big deal! I remember tasting the bread and wine for the first time and being scandalized that I actually drank wine. Ayden, on the other hand, can't wait to taste the wine on Sunday. Heaven help us!

6dpiui

My son was asking me last night when we would adopt a child. I gave him my honest, "I don't know," answer, but we haven't told him that we aren't going that route quite anymore. I pray that we end up pregnant within the next couple of months so I can surprise him with that...but we'll see. It breaks my heart with how much he wants to be a big brother. Ugh. IF sucks!

As for me, nothing really going on at 6dpiui. I had more "symptoms" last month that I could at least obsess over. This month, nada. My bbs are a little bigger from the progesterone, but that's it. I've been trying to stay away from the computer so I don't obsess over my non-symptom cycle and so far, I've been able to. I'm just trying to stay busy and make it to this time next week...then I'll poas...I hate those darn things.

Lucky Clover?

The hubs found a 4 leaf clover in our yard today...good luck? Perhaps. We're pretty into signs and luck and stuff like that, so I'll call it a sign that I can continue being positive.

I had the weirdest thing happen before I fell asleep last night. As my eyelids were feeling heavy from my Circle+ Bl.oom meditation track, two highchairs popped across the back of my lids and one was pink and one was blue. They were gone as fast as they appeared, but my eyes flew open and I freaked for a minute. I only had one mature follie. Another was a maybe. I'm gonna be fine with one baby. I'm quite petite at only 5'1". I mean, I'll take whatever I'm given, but it did indeed freak me out for a minute. I'm only 4 days into this 2ww and I'm already hallucinating...oy vey!

cd 15...2dpiui

Dear 2ww,

You suck.
You take too long.
You toy with my emotions.
I wouldn't mind if I didn't see another one of you for nine months or so.

Love,

Me

2 posts...in 1 day...lucky you.

Just a vent. I am missing my son's baseball practice. I've never missed one practice or game. Ever. Damn' you IF! Yes, I know. It's just practice. But, when it's my little baby big boy out there playing his little heart out, I love to watch and cheer him on.

So, in honor of my sore, throbbing ovaries and cramping innards, I'm here to remind myself why I am doing this. Is it for me. Maybe. But, I don't think if it were for me, I'd have kept on it for 8 years. Nope.

Is it for the hubs? Absolutely. He missed Ayden's birth. I want to give him that experience. Maybe we'll even see a tear or two. At this point, he won't even hold a newborn baby (or any baby) younger than 6 months old because he didn't hold Ayden until he was 6 months old. Yep. He's sentimental like that. 

Mostly, I'm doing this for Ayden. He needs the chance to be the big brother. He talks about it all the time. He claims he's the only kid in his class that doesn't have a sibling. Do I believe him? Kinda. You know the picture of the big brother/sister meeting his/her new sibling in the hospital. Well, I've had 8 years to envision that moment. It makes me cry. Possibly more today because I have quite a few hormones flowing through me that I don't know what to do with.

He wants a sister. I don't know why or where this came from. But, for the last couple of years, this has been his announcement. When we were actively looking to adopt, he wanted me to look for sisters for him. He hasn't let that dream die. I'm fairly sure he'll take whatever we are blessed with, but he wants a sister to protect. Now, how cute is he?

So. I'll stay home. For them. Because I'm attempting to be an incubator.

On a positive note (and because I'm bored out of my mind), I actually let myself talk to the hubs about baby related stuff. It might sound weird, but we stopped that kind of wishful talk years ago. Like, "Hey, I heard the name (insert name here). Do you like it?" and, "What if I get a ton of stretch marks? Will you still love me?" (insert humor) Then, on the way home from the iui yesterday, it hit me. It's okay to talk about these things again. We need to. We're paying thousands of dollars each month for a baby to be a real possibility. So, I started small with: "You're okay with not telling anyone until 12/13 weeks, right?" Okay, that's assuming a lot, but I needed to make sure we were on the same page with this one! He actually joined in on the conversation, "Of course. And Ayden should be the first one we tell." I agreed. Then, I asked, "So, Ayden has been waiting just as long as we have...do you think he should be in the room?" The hubs: "Uh, maybe. In a corner. Not staring at a baby coming out of there." End of conversation. But, hey, it was a start!

1 dpiui

I had the worst cramping all night. No sleep. Still cramping today, so I'm off work because all I can take is Tylenol. Which, does nothing. I almost broke down and took an 800mg ibuprofen before bed. But, I googled it. Thank goodness I did. Did you know that taking ibuprofen around the time of O'ing kills the egg? Yeah, apparently it does. Who knew? I can't tell you how many times I've taken A.dvil or A.leve around O over the years. Nice job me. Killing my already crappy-ish eggs. My new RE has a HUGE list of "Not-To's" while ttc. This was one of the items on the list and now I know why.

Here's a funny for the 2ww...I received an email from our social worker about a child who is available in Texas. He is CUTE as a button! But, we'd have to get rid of Ayden and the dogs. Neither Chad, Ayden, or I were fond of this idea, so we passed. Seriously, did she read the bio before she sent it?! I think if there were a dud award given to social workers, she'd get it. Seriously.

Enjoy your {LUCKY} Friday the 13th!!

Let the {2w}wait begin!

It's not everyday that the RE sits on his stool staring into your whoo-ha and starts laughing...oh yeah, the socks!

He LOVED my socks...as did the nurse :) And, I took the laugh as quite a feat, as I've found that most doctors have very little sense of humor. Our RE tends to have a pretty odd sense of humor, but with what he deals with everyday, he'd almost have to!

IUI in the bag! It went rather well. DH's count was more than double what it was last month, which might have elicited a squeal from me. It was the best post-wash count we've ever had, so yay!

Now, the waiting begins. I hate this part. I'm doing the trigger booster on Sunday and then using progesterone suppositories until the beta, so I won't be able to read into any of my symptoms. That might actually be a blessing so I don't spend the next two weeks googling symptoms. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to fill my time, but hopefully it goes by quickly!

Follie Check...cd 11

I wanted three. I got three...but only one mature one. They are measuring 25 (YAY!), 13, 12. Most likely, the smaller two will not grow fast enough by iui day. So, I'll trigger tonight and do a big 150iu dose of Follistim to plump the fat guy a little more. Then, iui on Thursday, cd 13. Works for me.

On another note, I've been having some anxiety issues lately. I was thinking that the racing heart rate was from the meds. I asked my RE about it and he said it most likely wasn't. Then, I began to think about it and realized that I'm probably just flipping out. I mean, who wouldn't freak about dropping $2K in one month on a procedure that didn't work. I'm pretty sure we'll do one more if this one doesn't work. Then, we'll save for ivf. That freaks me out a bit more. We have spent so much money on our infertility woes over the last few years that just thinking about it sends me into a state of freaking. I could have traveled the world a zillion times for what we've spent, out of pocket. But, in the end, it will all be worth every dime we spent. That's what keeps me going.

Update: I just got a call from one of the nurses and my E2 is 352! It was only 150-ish last month! So, quality wise, this is a much sexier egg!

baseline u/s cd 4

I saw the other doc in my RE's practice today. He was just as kind as my regular RE. I can't say enough amazing things about this office! Anyway, with a little hesitation, the RE decided to up my dosage of Follistim for this cycle. I only produced 1 egg last month and he'd like to see 2-4. So, I'm at 75iu, which is actually the recommended low dosage. Not sure why I was below the recommended minimum, but whatever. I'm not anymore.

Also, I already have a couple of bigger follies waiting to go, one on each ovary, (at 8 and 9), as well as 30 smaller ones...yep. I said 30. I didn't mention that to the hubs. He might flip out. Basically, if more than 4 decide to mature, we'll have to cancel this cycle. The RE doesn't think this will happen, he was just amazed at my overly active ovaries. But, you never can tell what will happen. This month, I'm gonna have to let go and let God be in charge. Even with a perfect looking cycle last month, nothing happened. So, with this one already acting weird, it's time for me to let go of the reins, take my meds as instructed, and pray that my time is getting close.

Speaking of how kind every single person is in my RE's office...I literally just got off the phone with the nurse, who had my blood results...I'm not pregnant (no kidding) so I can start Femara. I think she called me "sweetie" five times during the 30 second phone conversation. She might be my favorite nurse there. But, there isn't one I don't adore in the entire practice. Love this place!

I decided that I'm not telling a single person that we're still trying...last month both of our parents knew. When they found out it didn't work, they had that look/sound of pity and that weird thing where they don't know what to say and you know they want to cry because they are so sad that their kids have to keep going through this. As much as I appreciate their concern and love, I cannot handle the feeling that someone is sad for me or having pity for me or whatever it is they are feeling. I'd just rather tell them when we're knocked up and forgo the updates on appointments that I'd rather not talk about. Sorry family, you're gonna have to be out of the loop on this one. I need it mentally. I am always worried about how other people are feeling and wanting to fix it when everyone isn't feeling wonderful. I need to spend that energy on myself this month. I know you'll all forgive me later. So, if you've been given access to this blog or just happen upon it...you are the only people I'm talking to about all this stuff. Maybe it's because I don't have to see your faces or hear your voices if it doesn't work...this is my therapy I guess.

With all that, happy cd 4 to me! I'm off to down some Femara...

cd3 and Psychic Reading

Here we go again. Back in the saddle. If you fall off, get back on. Try, try again. Ya get the point. I took my 2 Femara pills today and will do so through cd7. Then, I'll start Follistim again. After getting over the shock of last cycle, I realized that, oddly, my body liked those meds. Yes, I was a little moody, cranky even. But, my ovaries weren't all that sore while my follies were growing. That's odd for me. I think it's the Femara, which is supposed to be an endo sufferers best friend. I might be sold.

The great thing about this month is that I have a ton going on to keep me busy. Last month, not so  much. I obsessed and thought about being knocked up 24/7...I'm not going to have much time for that this month, so hopefully time will go a little faster. Between Easter and getting ready for my son's First Communion, I'll be pre-occupied...in theory.

I had my first psychic reading yesterday. My hubs, the skeptic he is, thinks it's all a bunch of bologna. I happen to believe it. I can also see spirits that have passed...and talk to some of them...which he also doesn't believe. Whatever. It's true, odd or not. I won't post all of the details quite yet. I'm afraid I'll jinx it. But, I did write it all down so when it does happen, I can look back and say, "Hey, I knew it would happen like that." Honestly, she didn't tell me anything I didn't feel already. It was just nice to have the confirmation because sometimes I think misinterpret messages God is trying to tell me. Needless to say, we're on the right track and getting closer. So, we'll just keep truckin'. (Ohh, I did think of another one!)

cd 1

Here we go again! Yes, I am disappointed by my last cycle as anyone can probably tell from my previous couple of posts, but I need to leave that in the past and prepare for this month. I have some amazing ladies behind me that gave me the most amazing pep talk. I can feel them pushing me forward when all I wanted to do was lay down and throw a giant fit. I so needed to hear every word of their wisdom because I couldn't find my own hope and optimism. Oddly, I've never met one of these women but they know more about what I'm going through than my friends/family irl. Most of them have been where I am with infertility and know exactly what I need to hear. For that, I am am grateful. It's so moving to think that they will be some of the first people I will tell when I do get pregnant and I know they'll be just as excited as I will be. Some of my friends live in my computer and they are just as dear to me as my friends that don't :)

The plan is to use the same protocol as last month. I'll do Femara on cd 3-7 and start Follistim on cd 7. I'll also have my baseline u/s on cd 3 to check for cysts and make sure my ovaries are ready to go. I'll have my u/s to check my follies on either cd 11 or 12 and the iui a couple of days after that. I'm sure he'll have me do the trigger booster again because that really helped my progesterone, so I won't be able to do my beta until 16/17 dpiui. But, I had followed it out this past month and it was out by 9ish dpiui, so I can start (if I decide to) poas around then. I probably won't watch it out this month since I got a good idea about how long it takes from this past month. That became a little too much added stress, which is probably counter productive to conceiving!

Drinking wine...from the bottle

Yep. Sure am. Right.From.The.Bottle. That's what bfn's for multiple days in a row will do to a person. I even went out after work and bought the actual brand name hpt's thinking that the evap line I was seeing on the internet cheapies would somehow turn into a real bfp. However, all they did was show no evap line and take away every ounce of hope that I had left for this cycle. So, that back fired. Shit. Oh, and I have cramps. Double shit.

Then, I cried. And, threw a water bottle across the room. Luckily, I'd already put the cap back on. When the hubs came home from work, he wanted to go out to eat. However, after noticing I'd already put my sweatpants on and taken my bra off, he realized that wasn't going to happen. I informed him that I'd rather not be around people, crawl into a corner, cry, and drink beer. He seemed to think I was kidding. Since we're not big drinkers and fresh out of beer, I took the 1/2 bottle of wine from the fridge and decided to save a dirty dish and drink right from the bottle. And, for the record, it's helping. I'm not sure if it's the alcohol or the throwing caution to the wind and drinking from the bottle that's doing the job. Does it really matter at this point?

The hubs made the comment that the RE might "give" us a free cycle now that this one failed. Yeah, I'm sure he wouldn't mind not feeding his family this week. I'm gonna go with a big ol' "hell no" and "I'm not asking that ridiculous question" for $1000 Alex.

Instead, I'll sell my kidney and do it over again. Minus the hope because I left that in this cycle.

cd 21 Progesterone Results

47! I am ecstatic! This does NOT indicate a pregnancy in any way, shape, or form. It does, however, mean that if I were to get pregnant, I have a lining and my incubator is warm enough to stay pregnant! It also means that this mix of meds is good for me (Quoting the nurse). So, even if this cycle doesn't turn out as I planned, I feel comfortable doing the exact same protocol for a couple more months. Which is a better plan that what I had come up with before the doc's office called. I was ready to sell my kidney to pay for IVF...

So, I'll just continue doing what I'm doing and let this cycle play out. I tested again this morning and it was BFN. So, it will be what it will be. I did my failure cycle cry and feel better-ish. And, the hubs sent me flowers at work...seriously. He knew I was a mess from thinking this cycle was a failure and wanted to cheer me up! Love that man!