Miracles happen and dreams really do come true

There are many emotions running through my body right now. I have a lot to say, but words fail me. When we started our infertility treatments, I knew in my heart of hearts, deep down, often so deep down that it seemed impossible, I just knew that at some point, it would be our turn.

Watching friend after friend, family member after family member, get pregnant and have babies was so painful. It was as if they were living my dream and God had forgotten about me.

But, I pushed on. Family told me I was crazy. I was told I needed to give it up. We tried to adopt. We did so many IUI's that I lost count. I've been injected with more hormones than I ever imagined. We had a failed fresh and a failed frozen IVF cycle. Then, it happened. Something finally clicked. I became pregnant on our second fresh IVF cycle.

However, I never, not even for one second of my pregnancy, let myself truly believe that it was actually my turn. My reasoning? If, God forbid, something happened to the baby, it would be unbearable. I needed to protect myself.

Before this pregnancy, I used to be a lot of things.

I used to be scared of needles. I used to have no hope. I used to skip baby showers. I used to stay awake at night, crying because I didn't know how I'd go on if I never got pregnant again. I used to watch other people live my dreams and be jealous. I was so jealous. I was unhappy. I was defeated.

Then, on 12/13/14, at 1:19am, this happened:

And, all was well with my soul.

In one split second, my world was filled with hope again. My daughter looked into my eyes and eleven years of pain were suddenly gone. I was free from the pain of infertility. I was free from the pain that comes with years of failure. It all finally made sense.

This tiny little girl was meant to be ours. Had I gotten pregnant in a different cycle, this baby, my baby, wouldn't be laying on my chest, crying her way into my soul. We were never meant to have another baby. This sweet angel came into the world and healed the saddest places in my heart.

My world is complete.

37+6

Today, I'm still pregnant and I'm very okay with that. It's not that I'm not ready to meet our baby girl. I just am not sure that I'm ready to put the pregnancy part behind me. It has sucked horribly, but knowing that I'll never get to do this again? A little sad.

But, on a happier note, I'm huge! The baby has been estimated to be around 7ish pounds, but I'm sure she's closer to 20lbs. There's no way that I gained all that weight in my butt.

I've been feeling pretty crampy for the last week, on and off. Hopefully, that means something is happening in there. I was only dilated a fingertip at my last appointment. I think that was her way to make me feel better. I'm not sure that a fingertip even means much. But, I really was okay with it. Like I said, I'm just going with the flow at this point. I am on maternity leave, as of yesterday. The baby has dropped and I have to pee a couple of times an hour. That just isn't possible at my work. So, I decided that I'm done. While it's nice to be done, I need to continue to fill my time so I don't drive myself crazy.

As for going with the flow, she wants to induce at 39+1, which is next week. It has to do with my anxiety. I feel a little guilty for needing to be induced, but it really is the healthiest option at this point. Of course, she is welcome to pick her own due date this week! 

Besides the anxiety, I'm in a good place. Bag is packed, baby stuff has been washed and is just waiting, and her room is done. I am so excited to meet this long awaited and prayed for baby. The hubs, on the other hand, is freaking out. I catch him looking at me every-so-often. I think it's a mix of him being in awe of me being pregnant, my sheer size (as I'm usually pretty small), and the fact that an actual baby will be here soon. He's a bigger mess than I am! And, for the record, he has gained more weight than I have. Poor guy!

Ayden is as excited as they come. He cannot wait for her to get here. The other night, I had an upset stomach from something I ate. When I mentioned it, he got all excited, thinking it was baby time. Poor kid. He keeps a very close eye on me, as do the dogs. There isn't a minute when one of the three of them isn't following me around the house.

Now that I'm close to being done, I will admit that being pregnant after infertility hasn't been the easiest mentally. However, I can truly say that I would take this entire experience, all 11 years, and do it all over again to be sitting here just waiting to meet our precious baby girl. We are so extremely blessed. Fat, but blessed!

Wow.

Clearly, yesterday was not a good day. Holy depressing post. But, it's my reality, I guess. After getting that all out, I felt a zillion times better. I'm still not buying this whole pregnancy thing, but at least I'm not as down as I was yesterday.

Last night, our glider came in the mail. It was pretty surreal to sit in it and imagine that I'll be holding an outside baby really soon. When I rocked, the little lady moved all over the place. Based on her movement during this pregnancy, I have a feeling that she won't be as laid back as her big brother.

I had big plans to get some things done around here...packing my bag, cleaning the house, and whatever else I could get myself into. But, then this past Tuesday, I fell in my work parking lot and sprained my foot. Yep. Sure did.

Crutches and being 8 months pregnant do not go well together. Honestly, this can probably be why my mood sucked a huge one yesterday. I'm so mad at myself for falling. Granted, I didn't do it on purpose, but I had crap to get done darn it.

I was off work for the rest of the week and probably sitting around here, looking at all I need to do and making lists of things to do put me in a crappy mood. But, I have been able to put a little pressure on my foot, so hopefully by next weekend I'll be good to go.

This morning, I went through and read all of my posts from this last IVF. First, my mind was all over the place. Second, how is it that IVF even works? So weird. Clearly, I'm here to prove that it does, but it's just so unexplainable to me. I get the whole science part, but to think that this baby has already been out of my body at one point? Weird. Then, to look at pictures of a ball of 100 cells and to now feel her kicking the crap out of me? So amazing.

What would I tell this girl if I could give her advice on her transfer day?

I'd tell her to hang in there. Granted, I was doped up on Xanax before transfer in this picture, I was also full of doubt. Hope had left the building. I'd let her know that it really will be okay. Miracles really do happen and even though she'd waited a long time and felt overlooked, her time was so very close. I'd let her know that faster than she would even realize, she'd be in the third trimester, waiting to deliver a beautiful baby girl. The daughter she was positive that she'd never get the chance to meet. She was wrong. All of those years, she was so very wrong. And, for the first time in her entire life, it would feel so amazing to have been wrong! There would soon be tiny pink clothes filling her home and tons of pink baby stuff starting to take over. She'd still be very confused as to why these things were in her house, but deep inside, she knew that it would be okay. Her baby girl found her and the day they will meet will be like no other day in the history of her entire life. A miracle. Saved just for this hopeless girl.

34+2 Weeks

Infertility.

I have thought of myself as infertile for so long that this is all still very surreal for me. Not even surreal. Just, not possible. I mean, I see myself getting bigger. A lot bigger. But, my mind hasn't caught up with why. My heart is protecting all of me from anything that might go wrong, I believe.

I've heard that once a person who has struggled with infertility is pregnant, she never can get rid of the feelings of being infertile. This is supposedly true the longer you dealt with infertility.

I thought it was a bunch of crap.

I was wrong. It is so very true. I still see myself as broken. It's very, very odd. I am going through the motions so I can be prepared for a baby in a few weeks, but I have not really been able to enjoy or embrace the fact that it will be me bringing my very own baby home.

Waiting for that other shoe to drop.

I have just recently started to deal with the loss of our twin. The twin that we lost will be born on the same day as our little girl. I'm not sure how to handle that. At the hospital where we will deliver, they play a lullaby when a baby is born. Do I ask them do play it twice for us, like they do for other twins that are born? Is that a weird request? I'm not sure.

We were told that because we lost our baby before his/her bones were hardened, he/she will not be recognizable to us, but the doctor will be able to tell. I don't want to see it. But, is that wrong? No clue. I just pray that the joy from our little girl being born will take over my grief for our loss.

I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I have been carrying both of my babies for this long, but only get to bring one home. I'm absolutely terrified that something will happen to our surviving twin and I'll come home with empty arms.

So, infertility, here's a big "Fuck You" for stealing any chance I've had at enjoying my pregnancy, not for a lack of trying.

30+4 Weeks

Here I am. Thirty weeks pregnant. Wow.

Seeing as how it's pretty eminent that a baby is coming, not that I believe it yet, we decided to get things together. This weekend, we tackled the baby's room. The dresser and changing table (that I swore I didn't want) are now assembled and waiting for little missy to poo all over. Crazy, right?

Ayden is more and more excited everyday and talks to the baby all the time. The hubs and I are just freaked out. Actually, the hubs is stressed from putting furniture together all weekend. I'm freaked out.

My dad, being the sweet guy that he is, wanted to purchase the car seat for us. Super nice of him, but he wants it to be her Christmas present. Also, sweet, but somehow I need to explain that it's entirely possible that she'll be here before Christmas and we'll need that present a tad early. Plus, it would be nice to install it pre hospital admittance.

We have all of the major items now and just need little things, soaps, lotions, whatever else calls my name from now until December. A friend of ours is letting us buy her Mamaroo for $100. She only used it for her baby for about 5 months. Great deal for us!

I'm trying to get FMLA figured out at work. I was forced to use days when I did IVF, even though I didn't want to, so that has screwed me now. I'm so very not happy about it, but there's not much I can do, I guess. Just be pissed.

29+4 Weeks

I missed week 28 and I'm not really sure where it went. All of a sudden, the 30's are coming up fast. This weekend, the hubs and I took three days for a little time away before the craziness of the holidays and the baby get here. We had a wonderful time and we are both pooped. I'm not really sure how I'm actually typing this because my eyes are barely staying open.

This Thursday I'll be 30 weeks. Holy crap. Then, on Saturday, we have our childbirth class. Apparently, I'm supposed to birth this baby. I keep getting emails from random sites that I use for baby development updates that are telling me to pack a bag for the hospital. Weird. Like, really odd.

The rest of the furniture was delivered while we were gone, so now the hubs needs to get it put together so I can feel a little more prepared because, right now, I don't feel prepared. At all. Not even a little.

Mentally, I'm still not really believing this is real. I think I just need to hold her to know she is absolutely okay. Then, I can believe it. Hopefully, we can still manage to get things ready even though we feel like frauds while we're doing it!

Hello, 3rd Tri! 27 weeks

I know I've said it many times, but I absolutely don't understand how I made it this far. I really don't. On the way to work, I realized that it probably has a lot to do with all of the babies that we've lost. I really didn't trust my body to get me this far. Look at her now! If our baby was born now, she'd have a 95% viability rate. Not shabby odds! Granted, I'd much rather wait another couple of months to meet her.

Our pack n play came in the mail yesterday and we put it together tonight. It was so weird. We plan on keeping it set up downstairs to use the bassinet and changing table features early on during the day. Once we got it together, we couldn't stop laughing. There will be an actual baby in this thing. Like a tiny baby who we get to raise. So weird.

I am 100% sure that neither of us will actually believe this for a second until we see her little gooey face when she is born. How can anyone comprehend that there is a living baby growing in you, especially an infertile? It just doesn't make sense. Kinda like planes. That much metal shouldn't be able to fly either. I really think that whole flying thing is just a hoax anyway.

Ayden has decided that he wants the baby to be born on his 1/2 birthday, December 12th. I'll be a couple of days over 38 weeks. I'm not sure that he understands that you don't typically get to pick the day. But, we'll just let him dream.

I would like to have her before Christmas for lots of reasons. Mainly, and selfishly, I have waited 11 years to have more than one child sitting in front of the tree on Christmas morning. This year, Ayden still believes in Santa. He's a little old for it, but I've held on to it hoping that I could let him enjoy the idea of Santa with a sibling some day. Granted, the baby will have no clue what's going on, but I will. See, selfish. I told the hubs that if Ayden asks about Santa this year, not to let me know if he tells him. I have issues. I get it.

We are contemplating my hysterectomy. It makes me really sad to know that I'll never have another baby, but I cannot do the pregnancy thing again. The stress from this pregnancy was more than either of us could do again. This leaves our one embryo, Dudly, out in the world of the unknown. See, if we get our hopes up and do a transfer, I just can't take one more "nope you're broken, BFN." However, if we don't transfer, we'll feel like horrible people. Plus, the fear that we'd miscarry if it did take is more than I can even think about. It's a lot to talk about, but the idea of no endo pain sounds amazing.

26 Weeks

I forgot to post last week and we've had a lot going on! The nursery is coming right along. The crib is all set up. The mattress has been raised, the skirt is on, the quilt that I said I wasn't getting but did anyway is hanging over the side never to be used. But, it's adorable! Pink curtains hung. Forty hangers hanging in the closet with tiny clothes.

Last weekend, we bought our stroller after some debate. We originally wanted an UPPA Ba.by stroller, but found an amazing deal on a Britax one instead. If we decide that we don't like it, we'll upgrade later. For now, it's perfect and the price was amazing! Buying a big item was very weird. I felt like a fake. With my huge gut. Yeah. Sure did.

Next month is the sibling class, birth class, and our babymoon. I can't even believe that it's time for all of that already. When I scheduled all of those things, I was certain that we wouldn't actually make it that far. Who knew?

Little girl (who does have a name that you'll know when she is born) is moving like crazy! It is absolutely amazing. Even though I don't want to be pregnant ever again, I will miss feeling a baby move. There is nothing like it. Especially when they kick your bladder and make you pee yourself.

24+3

We made it! I am over  24 weeks pregnant and things are still great. Who knew?

As for me, I'm feeling amazing. My back hurts, I'm swollen at the end of the day, and my sciatic nerve is acting up, but I certainly wouldn't trade it for not being pregnant. I seriously have no complaints at all.

Now that I have started to realize that I'm actually going to be having a real life baby, I realized that I should probably get busy on her nursery. I still refer to the room as the "extra room" which confuses my mom. Perhaps I am still having issues with connecting to the reality of what is happening, but at least I'm realizing that there is a room in my house that needs filled with pink stuff. Lots of it.

I'm not into the cute bedding sets, so we've I've just decided on colors that we'll use in the room. The walls are a pale blue from when Ayden was in there and I'm not planning on changing it. Less work = happy me. So, we'll accent with pink, green, and yellow. It might end up looking like a rainbow puked all over, but I'm okay with that for now.

Because I'm having a hard time getting things done in the extra room, I decided that it was time to buy clothes. Lots of clothes. There were amazing Labor Day sales, what can I say? The box came in the mail and I was pretty shocked at how much I actually bought. Oops! Ayden is pretty sure that she's set on clothes until she's 4.

One of my cousins has sent the baby two pairs of shoes and they are absolutely adorable! The baby now has 4 pairs of completely useless shoes that she'll probably lose, but whatever. She also has more hair bands and clips for hair that may or may not exist. Probably also unnecessary, but the damage has been done.

Lately, I'm also into freaking myself out about how little time is left. I had Ayden at just over 37 weeks. That's only 13 weeks away. Yikes. If 24 weeks went fast, imagine how quickly 13 weeks will go by. Yikes! Before we know it, we'll be a family of 4!

Today. The last day I am allowing myself to worry.

Today is finally here and almost over. Today, I am 23 weeks and 6 days. One day away from the first level of viability. Tomorrow, they will try to save her if she is born early. Tomorrow, I can finally allow myself to believe that this might just have a happy ending.

My baby girl has fought to survive inside of my crazy uterus. She will have my strength and for that I'm so thankful. We can start to dream about what she will look like, what it will feel like to hold her in our arms.

To celebrate, the outfit that I bought to bring her home came in the mail today. It is absolutely amazing that I will actually be putting that outfit on my baby girl. Miracles really do happen people.

This all being said, today I am thankful to my body. It has nourished my babies. It might have fought me along the way, but in the end, she got her act together.

I have been having a hard time realizing that we should be getting ready to bring two babies home. My doctor said it would come in waves. This wave is pretty big right now. When I see twins or someone mentions them out of nowhere, it makes my heart ache. I am so grateful for our blessing, but I wonder what it would have been like to watch them grow up together. No matter how sad I am about it, just like my other miscarriage, nothing will change it. I'm trying to just focus on our baby girl and know that someday, we'll meet our other babies.

We have nothing.

Well, we have clothes thanks to an online shopping spree, but as I get closer to 24 weeks (my safe zone), I'm realizing that time is going pretty fast and we have nothing. I started looking at furniture last night and that was overwhelming. Too many choices. So, I went back to cute baby clothes. Much easier.

Honestly, I'm trying to narrow down exactly what we need compared to crap we won't really use. I think since this is my second and we are starting over with baby gear, I'm full aware that some of it will only get used for a few months and then be sold, given away, etc.

Of course, there's all of the little stuff that we need that I kinda forgot about. Bottles anyone? Yeah. We are seriously starting over. Luckily, we've been saving money to buy the stuff even though we haven't been comfortable enough to actually purchase anything yet. Before I felt like a fraud. Now, I feel confused and rushed. Yeah. I have 16 weeks left. I realize that. But, the Fall is CRAZY busy with sports and holidays, etc. So, that time will fly by.

Some of the stuff I can just order online, but some of it I need to get my hands on. The hubs is overwhelmed with the choices, too. Shopping should be lovely. Maybe we should take Ayden to help make choices.

I am three days away from viability. Three. My anxiety is pretty high as it gets closer, so hopefully it goes quickly. To celebrate on Wednesday, the hubs and I were gonna go out to dinner while Ayden was at practice. Well, he has a game on Wednesday. Honestly, it will be a perfect way to celebrate! I can have dinner out anytime. I'll just make him take me the next night :)

23 Weeks

So, here I am. Twenty three weeks pregnant. Who woulda thought it was possible? As I sit here, one week away from viability, I am completely floored.

I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. It is truly amazing. Me. An actual infertile. Pregnant with some stroke of a miracle and a baby that is fighting like mad to defy all odds against us. My sweet daughter is stubborn like her mother. Thank you God for that. Our stubbornness is the only reason we are able to enjoy each other now. I am so blessed.

Today, I was walking through school saying 'hi' to the kids and I realized that I was feeling a really strange feeling. It was something I had felt before, but it had been a very long time. Soon I realized that I am so very happy. Like, to the core of my being. I am so happy.

And, I'm actually a nice person. Who knew? I think the hubs is happy to have his wife back after a decade of being pumped full of hormones. I'm really happy to have myself back, too.

Next week, to celebrate viability day, the hubs and I are going to treat ourselves to a nice dinner out. Just the two of us. What a huge accomplishment for my poor endo riddled body. I am so very proud of my body for hanging in there. I also realized that in just 16 weeks (or less), we will be meeting our sweet girl. Insane. I actually had Ayden at just over 37 weeks, so it could be much less than that. So hard to believe that before this year is over, she will be here.

No complaints from me. I am so blessed.

22 Weeks. What if?

What if I would have quit trying? What if I didn't listen to the hubs and try IVF just one more time. The pain of infertility is so real and deep and I was so bruised and battered from our fight that I was just done. I had given up on my body.

I thank God every single day that I listened to my husband and did IVF just one more time. Under the circumstances, it was crazy. Absolutely crazy. He had just lost his job and it would take all of our savings. But, we trusted God and just went for it. So scary. Nothing went right during the cycle. But, the outcome was perfect.

Here I sit at 22 weeks pregnant. Me. Pregnant. With a sweet baby girl. I had given up on ever having my own daughter. Now, I'm only 4 (almost 3) months away from meeting her. My children are actual miracles.

This week, my baby girl attended her first week of 7th and 8th grade with me. I mean, what choice did she really have? She slept through most of it, but can you blame her? The first week is usually pretty uneventful.

She moves constantly and I love every second of it. The hubs thinks it's creepy. Ha! It's not even inside of him and he can't handle it. He does love to feel her move around and as she gets bigger, hopefully Ayden can be patient enough to feel her, too.

I have slowly let myself pick out room décor for her bedroom. I found some curtains that I love and I'll just do the rest of the room around those. They are yellow, blue, and pink. Not gonna lie. I looked for something with blue in it so I didn't have to repaint the bedroom. I hate to paint. With a passion. So, it'll save time, money, and arguments. I'm in.

I also let myself buy pink stuff last weekend. She now has lots of frilly gowns and sleepers for the first few weeks.

My big baby boy starts 5th grade on Monday. How is it even possible? He does amazing in school, but he isn't excited about starting back at all. This should be an interesting year. I also realized that when this new baby starts kindergarten, my big baby will be in the 10th grade. Holy crap.

And, side note, my boobs are leaking. Gross.

Early Morning Snack

One time, I watched a horribly scary movie about some girl who was possessed. It was based on a true story. So horrifying. Somewhere in the movie, they said that spirits come out at 3am hour.

Why do my middle of the night pee breaks always need to be somewhere between 3-4am? For the love of all scary things. It's now 5am and I haven't been back to sleep. My back is killing me and there are apparently ghosts running all over. Outstanding.

So, I did what any normal pregnant woman would do and ate some cottage cheese and OJ, grabbed my computer and ran for safety. Completely normal. The baby LOVED my middle of the night snack. She's been kicking like crazy in there. It really is the most amazing thing on the planet. It did creep me out at first. I'm not gonna lie. Now, it's amazing.

She's a strong little girl, too. When she moves, I can see my stomach move and if my hand is on my stomach, it's pretty strong. I cannot wait until December is here so I can meet her. I think she's gonna be a big baby. No real reason, just a feeling I have. Interestingly enough, I'm carrying so much differently than I did with Ayden. I don't know if it's a second pregnancy thing or me having a girl. But, I'm pregnant everywhere. My ass is growing at the same rate as my belly. My face is also pregnant. It's really adorable. I certainly don't mind, but I'm not sure I'll stick with the puffy marshmallow look post delivery. See:

 

Me at 21 Weeks + a Double Chin

For the record, she is nameless. It's driving me absolutely insane. The hubs won't settle on a name. He has commitment issues. Since I'm with her 24/7 and I want to say her name when I'm talking to her, I need something. Anything really. I'm over calling her "baby". Every time I bring it up, he gets a headache. Maybe I'll start crying because she doesn't have a name. That'll freak him out and maybe cause him to commit. Even if it's just to shut me up. I don't really care at this point.

21 Weeks!

I cannot believe that I am more than halfway done! It really is amazing to me that this is happening. The miracle of the entire thing isn't lost on me for even one second of each day. I am absolutely a blessed pregnant lady.

As we get further into the pregnancy, I'm starting to let myself relax a bit. Now, a lot of the relaxing hinges on the cervical check coming up next Tuesday. But, for now, I'll just enjoy each day and pray that everything is normal in there.

My house is slowly starting to accumulate PINK things. It is such a weird feeling. Friends and family are mailing baby gifts and it is so odd to open them and realize that they are for a baby that will be in our house. You'd think with the ninja party going on in there that I'd get it by now. Nope.

The hubs has been able to feel her move and kick this week. He is LOVING it. He missed all of that with my pregnancy with Ayden, so he just feels blessed that he gets to experience it. It's times like that, when the hubs has his hand laying on my belly and the baby is going all ninja on me that I remember why I continued to do treatments for so many years. Letting my husband experience all of the joys that were stolen from him while he was in Iraq make every single worry worth it.

We had a follow-up from our a/s this week. Everything is perfectly normal. Also weird. I'm not used to going to the doctor (any doctor) and leaving with knowing that things are normal. Go me! I'm now far enough along that the OB used the measuring tape to measure my fundal height. I was so excited when she whipped that measuring tape out. Probably not normal. Although I feel as big as a house, I'm measuring perfectly!

I really have no complaints about pregnancy at all. I wish I could have enjoyed it sooner, but I just couldn't. Too scary. Now, it's so amazing. I certainly don't want to be pregnant forever. (Or ever again for that matter!) But, I'm definitely enjoying watching my belly grow. My butt grow? Not so much.

I start back to school on Monday and I'm a little worried about how I'll eat through out the day. I feel bad cramming my face in front of the kids, but I can't just not eat. Maybe I'll hide under my desk and cram my face.

It's a...

 

GIRL!!!!

 

 

Ayden was so excited to throw his party today! He made his grandparents eat lunch before he would tell. He decided to pop all of the balloons in the bouquet, which means that the pink balloons that I intended on using for this photo were a no-go. So, we had to use the confetti from the black balloon that he popped. Not quite the same effect, but you get the point.

 

The grandparents are insanely excited! It's their first granddaughter and I have a feeling that the pink isles in every store they can get their hands on will be raided.

 

Who am I kidding? I'm gonna do the same! I already got a few bibs that look like infinity scarves on Et.sy. I mean, come on. How can you pass that up? They are completely unnecessary, but oh so stinking adorable. Like baby shoes.

 

As for names? Who knows. We can't agree on anything. We were sure that once we knew the sex, it would be that much easier. Wrongo. Four months to figure it out. Oh my. That's not long.

 

I can't even start to explain what it feels like to have a daughter. I absolutely adore my son. But, to have my own daughter to watch explore the world? There are no words. I just pray that she knows how much love we have for her. I'm sad to say that the second thought I had after we found out that we were having a girl was a fear that she would have endo. I would never forgive myself if I passed this on to her. At least I know what to look for early on so she won't have to suffer like I did.

 

Thanks for being patient and waiting for the announcement! We are so extremely excited and cannot wait to meet her!

Names

Do babies really need a name? I certainly hope not because we can't agree on any. At all. If the baby were the opposite sex, we'd be set. We had that name picked out. Should have figured this what would have happened.

Picking a name really shouldn't be this hard. If the hubs would just see the light and go with my pick, we'd be done. Who said he could have an opinion anyway?!

Not to mention that we now have an 11 year old throwing his two cents in there. He thinks he gets a say. No such luck buddy. You're 11. You can name your own kids someday. Not that being told this has stopped him from trying to convince us of his choice. However, his choice is my choice, so I have that going for me.

GREAT DAY!

This baby is stubborn, stubborn, stubborn! S/he laid back up and head up for the entire ultrasound. This made certain shots pretty difficult! I had to be quite the contortionist and ended up with that goopy crap all over me. Worth it, but yuck.

The baby is weighing in at 13oz! Average is 10oz, so s/he is quite the overachiever at this point. Since I'm old, according to having baby standards, we got to go to a specialist from Ohio State's MFM office. We met with the MFM after the scan and got some really interesting information from her.

First, our baby has a cyst on the brain. It is pretty common in 2nd trimester and she wasn't worried about it at all. We won't rescan to check, as the MFM said that because there are no other markers, the baby is fine. Breathe a sigh of relief.

Second, what I thought were kicks today was actually the baby's butt backing into my gut. Creative move baby, creative. Baby is head up, which means nothing at this point, but it's why I do feel kicking into my busted ovary. Which is, indeed, busted. They looked today. It's still swollen from IVF. Outstanding job recovering body.

Baby A is no longer visible on the ultrasound. I really needed to see this so I can start to grieve the loss. I was happy that the baby wasn't there so that Ayden didn't need to see them measuring it. That may have been too much for him.

Finally, we know what we're having! After we announce to the grandparents on Saturday, I'll let you all know, too!!!

HALFWAY DONE!! 20 Weeks!

WE MADE IT TO OUR NEXT GOAL! I'm excited, shocked, and lots of other feelings really. I really cannot believe that we made it! Four more weeks until I can breathe a little easier though.

Tomorrow is the BIG day! I am so excited to see our baby again, but I'm nervous because I want everything to be okay during the ultrasound. We will also find out what sex our baby will be and that is absolutely exciting! Ayden can't stop talking about it.

We are letting him plan a party for his grandparents for Saturday for a reveal. He is busy planning the menu and the decorations. It's hysterical. If it were up to me, I'd just call them, but I won't take the glory away from the big brother!

The menu is typical of an 11 year old boy. Sandwiches from a local sub shop and chips. That's as far as he's gotten. I keep pushing for a salad of some sort, but he's not falling for it. I might just slip one in there anyway. For dessert, he wants a blue and pink cake and that's it. Oh boy. Nothing fancy here!

He wants to get blue and pink plates and napkins and have his grandparents eat off of the plate of their guess for the baby. Cute idea. His decorations are out of control and not necessary, but we'll go with it.

This past weekend, I did have a bleeding scare. It was bright red, but was only on my panty liner and never happened again. My doctor had me come in after I called like a crazy lady and they couldn't find the reason for the spotting. She did want them to measure my cervix while I was there and that isn't great news. Three weeks ago, it was measuring 52mm. On Monday, it was 40mm and only 36mm at one of the measurements. The OB said that if we didn't have the first check, she'd have looked at this one and said that all as great. But, since things are changing, she is keeping a really close eye on it. I'm now on modified activity (no lifting over 5lbs, nothing strenuous) and I'll be rechecked next Tuesday. If things change, it's bed rest for this momma. Fingers crossed that things stay stable.

Don't ever laugh.

When you hold up a giant bra, don't laugh. It just might fit. Then, you'll feel like shit!

My boobs have always been big. I had my first bra in the 4th grade. Sad story. It was embarrassing. I was sure that everyone knew and it was mortifying. My boobs weren't that of a normal middle school child. They were more what a high school teen would be dealing with. So, that was fun.

Well, pregnancy has brought on a whole new growth. The first round of growth started before my bfp and went through the 1st tri. I thought it was safe to buy new bras at this point. They were only two sizes bigger. Not horrible.

Well, they haven't stopped growing. Now, at 19 weeks, these things are escaping from their holder. I knew it was time for new bras (again) when I got off the couch and my hubs asked if I was going to put my boob back in my bra. Nice.

The next day, we went bra shopping. I should clarify. Ayden and the hubs went shoe shopping. They wouldn't be caught dead in the bra section.

I was pretty sure that I went up a couple of sizes, so that's what I went looking for. However, when I found it, I just laughed. There was NO WAY this thing would fit me. It was HUGE. So, I put it back because there was no way I would be seen carrying that thing around.

However, right before going into the fitting room, I grabbed one just in case. I decided to try the thousand-yards-of-fabric bra on first. Once it was on, I laughed. Hysterically. The fucker fit. I mean, really? It's ridiculous.

Like a sad school girl, I carried two huge boob holders (crane included to assist in holding them up) through the store, positive that everyone was looing at them and thinking, "Sweet heavens! That lady's tits are HUGE! Look at those bras! We can use them as boats." I'm sure the checkout lady needed to stretch it out after lifting them up and bagging them.

Lesson learned. Never ever laugh at an article of clothing before putting it on your body. It's just a bad idea.