Pharmacy has issues. Headaches. I'm now stressed.

Seriously, I didn't think I was stressed, but I think I've been fooling myself. I don't know how I couldn't be, though. I'm dropping $11k in the matter of one month and $3k on meds alone. The flipping pharmacy, who I've been dealing with, trying to get my meds shipped since last Friday, is a pain in my butt. They wanted to run everything through our insurance. Um, they're not gonna cover it. They didn't believe me. Hello, I've been dealing with infertility and insurance coverage for 9 1/2 years. I kinda know what I'm talking about. The pharmacy was supposed to call back on Monday. They didn't. I was annoyed because I had to extend the amount we can use our debit card in a 24 hour period just for this transaction. So, I called them. They still hadn't run it through insurance. Okay. Tuesday, I called the bank. Extend the debit card issue for another 24 hours and wait for the pharmacy to call. Finally, at 2:30, they called and we went to get everything squared away. Insurance wasn't going to cover anything. Um, no kidding. They couldn't find my email about registering for some discount program (We'll get $100 off for every $1k we spend...so worth it.) and I was supposed to have an answer for why. I didn't. The lady needed to email someone about. I wait again. They called back and we completed the transaction, after they added $50 for something random that I had them remove because it was a random charge for something we weren't even using. Then, I start to check the bank account for the transaction to clear. Still, today (Wednesday) at 2:00pm, it hadn't gone through. I called the bank, who I now feel like I'm annoying beyond belief, and ask for another extension on the stupid debit card. They do a 48 hour one, probably because they're sick of hearing from me. This evening, the $3k was finally out of the account. I've never been so happy to see that much money out of my bank account in my entire life. And, I'm surprised that I've had a migraine since Sunday?? Ahhhh. So, annoyed. And, I haven't even started the cycle yet.

I'm completely aware now that I'm stressed. I'm sure it will pass, hopefully when the flipping meds get here, but we'll see. Maybe not.

First BIG BILL!

Well, the bills are rolling in! I got a call from our pharmacy today and she had our total. Drum roll please...$3k. Wow. That's a trip to Disney there folks! However, I'd pay it again and again if I knew it would bring us our baby. They are going to try and put the one med through insurance to see if they'll accept it, so that might save us $200 or so. At this point, we'll take what we can get.

I am feeling insanely excited at this point. It's a little like Christmas, waiting to get started. Even the hubs is starting to get a little antsy to get this show on the road. I happen to believe that he's just ready to give me more shots. Whatever.

Call me crazy, but I bought some pacifiers the other day. I have them sitting next to the meds I'm taking now so I can remember why I'm doing all of this. Hopefully, in less than a year, those binkies will be in use!

On non-ivf news: The hubs hurt his back. He's supposed to get an x-ray this weekend, but in the meantime, he's drugged up beyond belief. It's made for some pretty good comedic relief the last couple of days! I pray it's nothing too serious because with IVF coming up, we don't have time for anything too major to happen! Although it's not like he needs his back to do his part in this IVF process anyway, so what will be, will be!

Home with a sick kiddo

Today, I get an extra day off. Sadly, it's because Ayden is sick. I'm not exactly sure with what, but he didn't feel well last night, volunteered to go to bed at 7:30 last night, has had a headache for 3 days, and is still sleeping 12 hours later. Of course, as a mom, I'm a little worried that I don't know what's wrong. Hopefully, a day of taking it easy will cure whatever this bug is.

I'm hoping to do something I've been avoiding for many years...clean out the spare room...ahem, nursery. Yep. It's been a store-all for the things I don't want to look at anymore...old toys, a spare twin bed, some shelf thing that we don't use anymore. And, then, to convince the hubs that it's not too crazy to paint the room...because it isn't. Since I've been doing this infertility thing for so long, I'm already sure of what I want to do in there. I hope he is okay with it. But, really, does he care. Most likely not. He'll pretend he cares, which is nice. But, he'll let me do whatever I want, which is better! It will be gender neutral. No gender peeking here. I'd love to.  The hubs would rather be surprised. Since I found out with Ayden and didn't tell the hubs, it's tempting to do that again, but he was in Iraq so it was much easier to keep it quiet then. Listen to me, I haven't even started stims an I'm already planning months ahead. Okay. Slow down tiger. One step at a time.

Two post day: IVF related post

I have been searching the web for stories and blogs of women who are going through or have gone through IVF and trying to prepare myself, although, I'm not sure I can be 100% prepared for the month + that lies ahead. I am, however, making some changes, healthy crap even.

First, and God help everyone around me: I'm giving up caffeine this week. Ok. To be honest, I said that this past Friday was my last day. Then, it was Saturday. Then, today is Mother's Day, and I felt the need for a treat. So, I had a pop. Tomorrow, I promise. No caffeine. I am already dreading the headaches. But, I'm doing it cold turkey.

Second, I'm going to drown myself in fruits and veggies. Luckily, I like them. But, they need to replace some crappy snack habits I've formed lately.

Third, I'm going to eat less carbs and more protein. Note, I didn't say NO carbs. Just less. I read a study recently that showed higher pregnancy rates during IVF in cycles where the woman ate fewer carbs and more protein. So, I'll be skipping the bread basket.

I'm doing a lot of this to help ward of the fertility med weight gain I tend to get with these meds. It's usually pretty drastic. I'm hoping this helps keep the bloat down a tad. If not, whatever, but it's worth a shot. I'm finally at my ideal weight and that has been my goal before getting pregnant, so I'd like to actually stay there at this point!

So, tomorrow, if you see me, I'd stay away. I'll be a sugar-craving, caffeine-headached mad woman ready to go to blows! I have a feeling this next week isn't gonna be pretty!

Mother's Day

Today, I feel blessed. Blessed that a decade ago (almost) God brought us Ayden. His life is purely by the Grace of God. There is no other explanation. This I know for sure. Sometimes, over the last few years, Mother's Day has been a sad day because we'd been going through multiple failed treatments and I somehow felt like less of a mother because my body had given out on me. But, this year, something is drastically different. I am so beyond blessed with the little boy that calls me his mom. Sometimes, I'm not sure what amazing thing I did in my life to be able to be blessed by such an amazing soul.

All day long, he has grabbed my hand, stroked my hair, told me he loves me; and out of nowhere. He is just a sweet boy. I will forever be his mother. I pray that he knows how much he means to me and how much love I have in my heart for him.

I am feeling so positive going into this IVF cycle and I know that no matter what the outcome is, I am a blessed person.

Shit just got real!

I guess I'm really doing this IVF thing! Yes, I'm aware that I've been talking about it for months (years) but my RE's office called today and moved my cycle up by one week. So, everything is one week earlier. And, she called in my meds.

 Oh my. This is real folks. No turning back now. All or none. The hubs is excited. I'm a nervous wreck. This is it. IT. Either, I'm knocked up this Summer or never at all.

But, "everything's gonna be alright." Alicia Keys just said so on my iPhone. I happen to adore her. So, I'll go with that. IT WILL BE ALRIGHT!

 Don't tell, but after I got off the phone with the RE's amazballs nurse, I sobbed like a HUGE baby. It was one of those loud sobs where maybe my cat died and I'm all sad about it. But, I don't have a cat. And, if I did, I wouldn't be sad if that happened. I hate cats. Dogs, different story.

So, I'm all crying and Ayden walks out and says, "Mamma, what's the matter?" I wipe my mascara from my cheeks and eyeballs onto my white t-shirt and say, "nothing, I'm great!" To which, he looks at me like I've really lost it and says, "You were talking to that doctor that fixed your belly and made it not hurt anymore, right? That makes me happy too!" I LOVE HIM! Sweetest kid on the planet. And, I know. I've worked with thousands of kids. Mine just happens to be the best. Amazingly amazing. And, this time next year, he'll be holding his sibling(s) after a LONG, mostly patient wait!

The emotions of Infertility and IVF

I have had the pleasure of not thinking of infertility, other than the fact that I am infertile, for the last few months as my AF has been stopped from some endo sufferers wonder drug. It's been lovely. But, I've noticed that as this IVF creeps closer, the emotions are a mess. For some reason, there have been a lot of babies born to ladies that I know lately. Many have already been complaining on FB. Are they allowed? Sure. But, that doesn't mean it isn't painful as hell to see people complaining about something that came so easily for them and not realizing how lucky they are to be able to stare into a precious baby's eyes at 2am. Then, there is my family, the hubs and the son. They are always busy together doing boy things; hiking, fishing, other boy stuff. Consequently, I get left behind. Sometimes, they ask me along, but often, they're gone before I get home from work. Like today. They're fishing. I rushed home because I thought I could tag along. But, they were gone before I got here. The silence left behind is painful. My entire life, I imagined myself having a HUGE amount of kids. I wanted to be that woman on FB complaining about the horrors of motherhood. I always thought that the hubs and Ayden would leave and I'd have a herd of kids to take care of and be so tired and look a hot mess when they returned, then start complaining about how tired I was all the time. Mostly, I'm so angry at myself for being infertile right now. To even look at little kids and babies is very painful right now. I'm not sure why. My theory is that if the IVF doesn't work, I'm forced to give up this amazing dream that I've built up in my head. What a painful idea. Words don't even begin to describe how painful that would be. Odds are in our favor that IVF will work. I pray like a crazy lady multiple times a day that it will work. I pray that our pinching pennies for the last few months wasn't for nothing. Mostly, I pray that I can somehow get over this ugly jealousy that has been creeping back up. I think I'm just overly jealous that other people have what I have wanted since I was a little girl. I think now that the end of the infertility journey is crazy close, I'm huge amounts of scared. I put on my happy face all day and all night for my family. But, truth be told, I'm terrified that this silence that I'm sitting in right now will be my future. I so hope I'm wrong.