Adoption Related News!

I received a call from our case worker yesterday. She said that the random family member will not be able to adopt. So, while that's great news for us, I can't help but be a little sad for the family member because I know what it feels like to be told "no" when it comes to having children. I understand that, obviously, this is what is best for the little boy, but my empathetic self can't help it.

So, we will be hearing from the (I swear I just typed "our" instead of "the"! Wow! That was crazy, unintentional, but just felt right.) boy's CASA (court liaison) to set up an interview. We were told that the CASA worker is very direct and abrasive. Oh joy. She will want to know what our plans for child care will be and what our plans are if both of us die. Fun thoughts. She also wants to know about our family. I'm really starting to question why we did the home study considering all of that info is in there. But, it will be nice to tell it to someone rather than have them read it, I guess. We are one of three families being interviewed. Wow. We have a 1/3 chance of being matched. This is big! This is the closest we've been in this adoption process.  If I could be brutally honest, without feeling like I was being offensive, here's how I'd answer the questions and what I'd say to the CASA worker:

Dear CASA worker,
     We are a wonderful family. We don't have many serious moments and laugh about everything, and I do mean everything. We love being together. We don't really care what we're doing, we just love doing it together. We love our son. We would die for him. Likewise, we would do the exact same for "this child" because we do anything to protect each other.
     The hubs is a police officer. He loves his job, but prefers to be with his family. He is the kindest man you will ever meet. He is a war vet, which means he is always on high alert when with his family. He would do absolutely anything to keep us happy and safe. He works harder than anyone I know. He does this because of us. He is my own hero.
     As for me, I am a mother to the core of my being. I love nurturing children and enjoy everything about being around lots of kids. Being a middle school teacher lets me do this everyday and I wouldn't change that for the world. Being a teacher is also in my soul. I crave it. As a mother, I yearn to watch every moment my child is in this world. I love watching him grow and learn new things. From a young age, I wanted a huge family. I always envisioned myself with nine kids. Call me crazy, but like I said, I love children. I assumed that the hubs and I would have all of our children in our 20's and we'd spend our 30's and 40's raising them and traveling together. Adoption is our way of creating a large family.
     If I could, I would quit working to stay home with our family. Unfortunately, that isn't possible. I can take a few months off, but it's 2013 and life is expensive. I have a CRAP TON of student loans to pay off...welcome to college 21st century style (Thank you Master's Degree). So, I will work, like many other mothers. But, don't let that fool you. While I'm at work, my desk will be covered with pictures of my family. When I am grading papers, I will glance at the pictures and smile. My soul will be full. I will rush home to love on my children with my whole being. My house might only get cleaned once a week and laundry might pile up, but I'm okay with that. I'm too busy spending my time with my family, making memoires, traveling and learning together.
     If, heaven forbid, something happens to my husband and I, our children will live with my brother. He is single and has a great job with amazing benefits. He is also a veteran, so I know that he has what it takes to raise a family because he was taught how to not run away, but to help his loved ones when times are at the lowest points. But, best of all, he is surrounded by family. There are four grandparents to spoil our children and help them grieve. But, since you asked what we will do if we both pass away, I promise you that every single second that we're in heaven, I will spend watching over my children. I will be encouraging them and be their loudest cheerleader. My husband will protect them as though he never left them. They are what make my soul sing. They are my everything.

Sincerely,
Hopeful Adoptive Parents

The final matching conference is on October 21st. That is decision day. It seems so far away.

Just living life.

Today, I took Randine Lewis' advice and just lived my  life. I actually said to myself, "What would make you happy now?" Myself answered, "Eating chips." So, I did. Not what she meant? Oh. Well, this is only one small example.

 The hubs, Ayden and I went shopping for back to school clothes. First, we had lunch. I asked myself, "Do you want the low fat dressing?" Guess what? Self didn't want low-fat. She was up for the real deal. It was so incredibly delightful! When we were shopping, I realized that the hubs and Ayden were absolutely miserable. So, I told them they could stay in the car and I'd go in the next store alone. This was also heavenly. Before I knew it, my arms were full of clothes for Ayden...and myself. Hey, I asked first. She said, "Yep, you need those pants, blazers, shirts, and sweater." I'm only following the advice of Dr. Lewis. I forgot how happy shopping makes me. While we were saving for IVF, I didn't really just spend money for the sake of spending money. It was fabulous! My closet is smiling.

So, I realized that the recipe to my happiness in life equals: full-fat dressing, shopping for myself, and potato chips. Not too shabby, huh?

Stop struggling up the mountain. Live in the Valley.

I have always approached my own "in"fertility as a struggle up a steep mountain that I may never get to the top of. But, do I want to be at the top? Isn't the top where it's cold and everything is dead? Wouldn't I rather live in the valley, where life lives, and let life come to me? This is the message I took away when I watched the following: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AaUzm9rQp8

This is a link to a keynote speech that Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) guru, Randine Lewis, gave at one of her retreats. In the past, I've read both of her books and have wanted to go to her retreat for many years. However, they're expensive and with our fertility treatments, I just couldn't pull it off. However, this evening, I finally realized that she was on YouT.ube and this speech was life changing in the way I think about my own fertility. If you are at the start of your fertility journey or near the end, I promise you that listening to this will be one of the best things you can do for yourself. If you don't want to listen and don't believe me, I'll leave the short version in bullet points below because this type A girl took notes. Yep. Sure did.

The gist: (in no particular order)

• In order to bring forth life, learn how to live.
• Come in touch with the healer within you. It's the only healer that can heal your soul.
• Have courage to do things differently and think about things differently.
• Overthinking = depletion of the spleen energy (This is some TCM stuff that applies to me. Take it for what it's worth.)
• Live in the valley. Quit struggling up the mountain.
• Believe in the fullness of your own spirit.
• Still do western medicine. Do what feels right within you.
• No challenge has taken away my longing for a child because the desire isn't wrong. It's there because that desire is deep within my soul and is supposed to be there.
•  Don't fight the desire for a child. Live with it. Don't let it cause you to stop living.
• Be in the experience. (IVF/FET) Dance with it. Give yourself to it.
• I am lucky to still be fertile. We had 22 egg retrieved, 18 fertilized, 4 made it to blast. We have one amazing, living child! I am fertile. Believe it.
• You are NOT a statistic.
• Don't throw your desire to have a child away as a way to not think about it. Burying it only harms your soul. Look at it in a different way.
• Fertility is a mindset. Don't call yourself infertile. Fertility is always there.
• Light (finding yourself) comes in the darkness (low points in life).
• Live in the valley so the universe can come to you. Stop struggling up the mountain.

This is the short version of an hour long program. I HIGHLY suggest that you just take the time for yourself and let this change you and how you view your own fertility.

Back to school, back to school...

And, just like that, Summer is basically over. Poo. I'm starting to get excited to go back. It's not like this Summer was full of fun. I'm so thankful that I teach middle school and don't have to worry about cute bulletin boards! I bought some super cute fabric last year and used it for my bulletin board background. So, all I need to do is decide what I want to put up on them this year. Luckily, I have a student teacher!! Maybe I'll put him in charge of that part! If you haven't guessed: Middle School Teachers and Bulletin Boards don't get along!

About this student teacher...I have a feeling he's going to be a bit much! Let me start this rant by saying: I remember student teaching. I was soooo excited! But, we were also taught to respect our supervising teacher's time. I'm not thinking this kid got the same memo. He seems very kind and super excited, so for that I'm really happy! However, the poor kid seems to be a bit of a nervous mess. He's emailed me 3 times since last Tuesday. Slow down there buddy. He wants to meet before school, which I'm fine with. I'm having him meet me at school so I can show him around and put him to work in my room...teeheehee. But, 3 times in one week? He's lucky I check my school email during the Summer! Some teachers won't even discuss school in the Summer! I think he'll do great once we get him all calmed down. I'm sure my kids will LOVE having him in the room. They love the extra attention. Can ya blame them?!

Honestly, he comes from a great university and they have an all year internship program for student teachers, which I think is exactly what teachers need. He'll be in my room for 2-3 days all Fall and then all week doing his actual student teaching starting after Christmas break. You all might be saying, "Oh, how nice. You can just sit on your butt and let him teach." Oh, how I wish that's how it worked! I'm a bit too protective of my kiddos to let a newbie have complete freedom. I hold my student teachers to a pretty high standard, so they tend to get a bit stressed. But, it's good for them. What do they think will happen when they're all alone next year in their own classroom?! There's a method to my madness.

I've decided to take this one last week to myself and then go into my room next week. School starts on the 19th, so that gives me a week to get my room ready. Really, there's not a lot to do this year besides straighten things up and hang my new decorations. New décor = shopping. Shopping = Happy ME :)

Summer is almost over :(

I had a bit of a break down last night. Tomorrow is our staff retreat. That means school is right around the corner. Only two more weeks left. Now, I LOVE my job. But, I started this Summer thinking I'd be through my first trimester before school started in the Fall. Big.Fail. Plus, having my second AF really ticks me off. I didn't want any of them. I wanted a fucking baby. F you IF.

Next steps

I'm a huge planner. I've recently started thinking that it's probably not a great thing in all situations. For example, I'm already looking at where we'll do our next cycle  if we go through all of our frozen embryos. Yeah. I should probably stop it. Originally, the hubs and I agreed that we'd go to CCRM if we needed a second fresh cycle. However, it's super expensive. Most likely, we're looking at $30k for the entire thing, which includes the one day workup. It was hard enough to save for our IVF that was 'only' $12k. So, I guess this means, there is no going elsewhere. I really have no reason to be dissatisfied with our current RE. He is very up to date on research and super open to experimental protocols. I guess it's a sign that I need to learn to live in the here-and-now. Just be content at where we are. Not very easy for me, but I'll try.

Adoption Update. Kind of.

Our worker emailed me this morning to tell me that a maternal family member has snuck out of the woodwork and is interested in adopting the little guy. She said that they need to complete the interstate paperwork because they're out of state and complete a homestudy. She then said to not worry because we're still being considered. Well, then don't give me things to worry about lady! But, seriously, if this is what's best for him, I have to be okay with that. That's obviously what we want in the end. It would be great if they thought we were what's best. Still a long waiting game, I guess.

Today is the hub's birthday! Poor guy has to work a 12 hour day on his big day. Bummer. We're just keeping it low key this year. Cake, gifts, singing in off-key voices. Typical birthday around here. We should probably go get some wrapping paper and a card...we have all day. Right now, we're just being lazy and eating Cina.bons. Yummy and so not on my "get rid of inflammation" diet. Definitely worth it :)