cd 1

Here we go again! Yes, I am disappointed by my last cycle as anyone can probably tell from my previous couple of posts, but I need to leave that in the past and prepare for this month. I have some amazing ladies behind me that gave me the most amazing pep talk. I can feel them pushing me forward when all I wanted to do was lay down and throw a giant fit. I so needed to hear every word of their wisdom because I couldn't find my own hope and optimism. Oddly, I've never met one of these women but they know more about what I'm going through than my friends/family irl. Most of them have been where I am with infertility and know exactly what I need to hear. For that, I am am grateful. It's so moving to think that they will be some of the first people I will tell when I do get pregnant and I know they'll be just as excited as I will be. Some of my friends live in my computer and they are just as dear to me as my friends that don't :)

The plan is to use the same protocol as last month. I'll do Femara on cd 3-7 and start Follistim on cd 7. I'll also have my baseline u/s on cd 3 to check for cysts and make sure my ovaries are ready to go. I'll have my u/s to check my follies on either cd 11 or 12 and the iui a couple of days after that. I'm sure he'll have me do the trigger booster again because that really helped my progesterone, so I won't be able to do my beta until 16/17 dpiui. But, I had followed it out this past month and it was out by 9ish dpiui, so I can start (if I decide to) poas around then. I probably won't watch it out this month since I got a good idea about how long it takes from this past month. That became a little too much added stress, which is probably counter productive to conceiving!

No AF, but still BFN

I haven't officially started AF, but with my progesterone so high, I'll probably be later than usual. Another cruel side effect of progesterone supp.

I cancelled my beta on Monday because I'm not really into driving 1 1/2 hours to be told something I already know. They were fine with it and they even let me talk to the ivf nurse. She was sooooo flipping nice. Kinda what I needed. She said their office is at 71% success for women under 35 for the first quarter of this year. She said I was a great candidate and had a lot going for me. We wouldn't need to do ICSI, so that would save us $2K. Granted, it will cost about $3K in meds and $5-8K for the actual testing and procedures. The hubs is curious which one of us will be selling a kidney to pay for it...which is a good question. 

So, we'll do one more iui and then start saving. I hope to be able to do ivf in the summer, but unless we decide to get a loan, that's not likely going to happen. We've already waited 8 years, what's another one?

Drinking wine...from the bottle

Yep. Sure am. Right.From.The.Bottle. That's what bfn's for multiple days in a row will do to a person. I even went out after work and bought the actual brand name hpt's thinking that the evap line I was seeing on the internet cheapies would somehow turn into a real bfp. However, all they did was show no evap line and take away every ounce of hope that I had left for this cycle. So, that back fired. Shit. Oh, and I have cramps. Double shit.

Then, I cried. And, threw a water bottle across the room. Luckily, I'd already put the cap back on. When the hubs came home from work, he wanted to go out to eat. However, after noticing I'd already put my sweatpants on and taken my bra off, he realized that wasn't going to happen. I informed him that I'd rather not be around people, crawl into a corner, cry, and drink beer. He seemed to think I was kidding. Since we're not big drinkers and fresh out of beer, I took the 1/2 bottle of wine from the fridge and decided to save a dirty dish and drink right from the bottle. And, for the record, it's helping. I'm not sure if it's the alcohol or the throwing caution to the wind and drinking from the bottle that's doing the job. Does it really matter at this point?

The hubs made the comment that the RE might "give" us a free cycle now that this one failed. Yeah, I'm sure he wouldn't mind not feeding his family this week. I'm gonna go with a big ol' "hell no" and "I'm not asking that ridiculous question" for $1000 Alex.

Instead, I'll sell my kidney and do it over again. Minus the hope because I left that in this cycle.

cd 21 Progesterone Results

47! I am ecstatic! This does NOT indicate a pregnancy in any way, shape, or form. It does, however, mean that if I were to get pregnant, I have a lining and my incubator is warm enough to stay pregnant! It also means that this mix of meds is good for me (Quoting the nurse). So, even if this cycle doesn't turn out as I planned, I feel comfortable doing the exact same protocol for a couple more months. Which is a better plan that what I had come up with before the doc's office called. I was ready to sell my kidney to pay for IVF...

So, I'll just continue doing what I'm doing and let this cycle play out. I tested again this morning and it was BFN. So, it will be what it will be. I did my failure cycle cry and feel better-ish. And, the hubs sent me flowers at work...seriously. He knew I was a mess from thinking this cycle was a failure and wanted to cheer me up! Love that man!

Debbie Downer Today...

If you're not up for being depressed, don't read this. I'm feeling quite defeated today. As in, I took an hpt this morning, it was negative, it sucked, and it ruined my day. Yes, I'm only 11dpo today. But, I was hoping for something rather than a completely blank test. No amount of tilting and holding the test under a light would have made a line appear.

On top of that, I just don't feel pregnant. I don't know. Maybe there's not a feeling that someone gets when she's pregnant. I just assume that there is. With my son, I just knew. With my last pregnancy, I just knew. This month, I'm not feeling it. I mean, the progesterone has me feeling a zillion symptoms, but I'm just not feeling pregnant. Ya know?

So, as I'm on the brink of tears this morning, the hubs walks in and wants a hug. I turned into mega biotch and said, "Just go to work." Yeah, I already had my makeup on and that one hug would have sent me into crying fit. Thank gooddness he's use to my fertility drug induced moodiness and this morning's comment didn't phase him. He asked what was wrong and I said simply that it just didn't work. When he asked how I knew, I said, "I just do." Plus, I have tested every flipping day...but I left that part out.

This afternoon, I called him to apologize for being a freak this morning. He said that it was fine and not to check the bank account for 36 hours. Not sure what that means, but I think he's nicer than I was this morning!

So, I kept my appointment for Monday morning for the beta. I have to have it done in order to start the femara next cycle, so I can't cancel it anyway. I think I'll just start thinking positive for next month and call this month a wash. Infertility sucks.

Complete meltdown...

Yes. This constitutes two posts in one day! We took our son to the toy store to get a new bike this afternoon. I had a complete.utter.meltdown. It was similar to the one the three year old was having two isles down. The only difference is that child was three. I'm old enough to know better. I couldn't help it. It just happened. Ayden was throwing a fit over trying yet another bike...I flipped. I think I said something along the lines of, "Get on the bike and ride the damn' thing." I am not a cusser. So, this even took me back a bit.

But, in my defense, we had been "trying on" bikes for over an hour. Ayden was complaining about every single bike. He started crying which made my blood boil. Seriously, crying when we're getting ready to buy you a bike? After an hour of this, I couldn't hold back anymore. I tried to keep it in. I started sweating; having a hot flash of some sort. Then, the verbal assault on my family ensued. The hubs suggested that it was time I took a walk around the store. I walked over to the baby section and looked around, feeling a bit like an intruder in that section. So, I took a few deep breaths and walked back to apologize to my poor son, who just wanted to find a bike and ride it...only to learn it it was in a box and needed assembled...let the kid meltdown begin.

8dpiui...starting to freak.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm scared to get too attached to the idea that this is really happening. I wish I could just take a pill and sleep the rest of this 2ww.

I think part of it is that my trigger is almost out of my system. The hpt was VERY faint today. Part of that scares me. What if I never see another positive test? What if the only way for me to ever get a positive test is only through the trigger and today's positive is the last one I get to see this month? That sucked more than I anticipated. It could be the reason behind my pissy mood. That, and that I still have to wait another week before I actually know for sure.

Infertility sucks and  I think I've put my time in on this side of infertility. I think 8 years is longer than anyone should ever have to live life in two week spurts. Even when we weren't "trying", I could never really turn it off. That is 106, 28 day cycles...yeah, I'm ready to be on the successful side of things.

So, here's hoping for a fast week and a positive end to this cycle.