Regular day. Normal week. ish.

This week was my first week back after my surgery. Monday was rough. Really rough. I mean, I went from laying around for two weeks, to teaching a bunch of middle school kids and pushing things around my classroom that are well above my 10 pound limit. By the end of Monday, I was wondering if I'd be able to make it the entire week. I was crampy and sore as all get out. Each day kept getting better. Today, I only needed one 800mg ibuprofen in the morning and I was fine the rest of the day. Really, it just goes to show that everyone heals so much differently. My nurse said that it was possible it may take me longer to heal because of my endo. Thanks again endo. You're a doll. So, just continuing the waiting game until next week. I am really tired of telling people the same story at work. I think I'll just wear a poster on my shirt that answers all of their questions because they're probably the same questions I've been answering all week. I know they are just concerned. But, I don't want to think about it. Honestly, there is an amazingly high chance that everything was cut out. But, every so often, the thought crosses my mind that it wasn't. Or that it's a higher stage than originally thought. Scary shit.

New Year's Resolutions

I don't usually make these. When I did, I was usually over it by the middle of January. But, this year, I've decided to enjoy all of the small things that life throws my way that are usually over looked. It came to me when I was sitting on the couch recovering from surgery. As loved ones were texting and calling and bring over food and Fed Ex'ing gifts, I realized that my life is so full of love and I've been so obsessed with ttc that sometimes, I failed to realize it. I think we're all guilty of this on some level, but it's become my norm for the last few years. On New Year's Eve this year, our 10th wedding anniversary, I wasn't feeling up to the out of town plans we'd made. We cancelled and our night was even more amazing than I could have imagined. It was full of love and laughing with our family. Our in-laws and Ayden planned a surprise romantic dinner for two at their house. Ayden was our adorable server, and quite a good one I might add! We had steak, twice baked potatoes, bacon wrapped asparagus, chocolate cake and very full bellies! Then, rather than heading home to lay around, (I took another pain pill!) and we hung out for the rest of the evening. We played games, the boys had Nerf fights, and we laughed until it hurt. It was amazing. Life is full of amazing things and amazing people. I only hope I can return the kindness that was shown to me over the last few months over my lifetime. So, infertile or not, life is good. This is my journey. It has had it's downs but definately has had more ups! So, when I read the following quote, I realized how true it is: "When God pushes you to the edge of difficulty trust Him fully because two things can happen. Either He'll catch you when you fall, or He will teach you how to fly." After He has had to catch me MANY times over the last nine years, I think I'm finally learning how to fly!

Fingers crossed, I'm cancer-free

Wow, I just read my post from right after I met with the gyno oncologist. I was angry. Although, rightly so, but I'm hopefully on the upswing now. Surgery went well. We will know on the 16th if I have clear margins from my biopsy. God willing, it's all gone. Chad and I have already realized that this is it. This year will be the final chapter in our fertility journey. Only time will tell how it all turns out. I have a feeling...it will end very, very happy, no matter what, because we have each other. Cancer has taught me one thing. Be happy for the little things. In the end, they are the biggest and most important things.

A little poetry time

Many years have come and gone trying to bring you to me. Your angel face has an impression on my mind. Your precious newborn scent. Will you be petite like you me? Your eyes, as blue as the sky, a window into your mind. Telling me: Thank you for never giving up on me. For being a strong woman who doesn't quit a dream. Knowing that a mother's love is strong. It never quits her child. Even a child she has yet to meet. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am determined. I am your mother although you are not in my arms. I will not stop until you are here. Being loved by me. Being loved by your adoring father. Being loved by your patient brother. God has sent me a new challenge. I thought I was done with those. But, he knows my strength. He knows my soul. He knows that I will not quit. He knows I'll be okay. He knows that I'll trust in him to lead me on my way to you. I know it pains you lord to see your child hurting. I know your intent is not this. Some people face challenges and it changes who they are. I am more faithful in you. I have to be. I feel you carrying me now as my own strength is starting to fail. But, from you, I will find new strentgh. I will find a new will to fight. Deep inside. And I will carry on. Because you have created my soul to be a beautiful determined soul. I am a fighter. I have a ring that I wore during my fertility treatments with a bible verse from Jeremiah 29:11. My treatments happened to fail, but I continued to trust in the bible verse on my ring. I do trust in you Lord. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Whirl wind week

This week has been quite a whirl wind. After receiving my biopsy results from my gyno, I was told that I had a high grade dysplasia. She said a lot of other things, including that if it wasn't treated quickly, it would turn into invasive cancer. I was confused. So, after digesting that information over night, I called her the next morning. She explained that within two months, I'd have a big mess on my hands. She wanted me to make an appointment to have a LEEP procedure with my gyno. However, there weren't any appointments available until February. Uh, that's two months idiot. So, I asked to be referred to a gyno oncologist. She gladly did and she quickly faxed my papers over to them. They were able to see me the next day. So, we drove the 1 1/2 hours to the big university oncologist office. I was sick to my stomach, but somehow had taken a step outside of myself so I could better hear everything that was said. But, the surealness of it all is unexplainable. The doctor was so kind. He listened. I needed him to hear that my fertility was very important. And, we're finally two months away from IVF. I also threw in that my health was also important so I didn't sound like some desperate infertile. But, after nine years, I am. After his evaluation, we moved into his office where he explained that what he saw was pretty concerning. I'm at a CIN III/Cancer stage 0. Meaning it hasn't spread, at least from what he could see. It seems to be confined to my cervix. How much? Not sure. Didn't ask. Didn't really want to know at the time because I knew that the answer to that would determine the rest of my fertility journey. Which pissed me off. He is going to do a cold knife conization. Basically, cut it all out. Have a biopsy done on everything. He'll also biopsy some of my endocervical cells to see if the cells have started spreading up my cervix rather than just staying toward the end. If they have? Goodbye cervix and uterus. It makes me want to throw up. And punch someone in the face. If it has only stayed on the end of my cervix, he'll just cut that out/off. Then, the only issue is a weaker cervix during pregnancy. There is a high risk for preterm labor and 2nd trimester loss because of this. Lovely. And, if he does only need to take a little of my cervix, the healing time before we could even try ivf would be 6-12 months. Yep. Why the fuck try. It's just another way to say that life is unfair. Which doesn't even partially explain how I really feel. It's a bunch of crap. It's not that life isn't fair. It just doesn't make sense. Don't tell me that this is all part of God's plan. Because it's not. If you believe that, then you also have issues. I am no more or less worthy of having a child than any other person I know. So, if you tell me it's some kind of plan to let me suffer a little more, I might flip out on you. And, don't tell me that's it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay for you. Sure, I probably won't die from all of this and that's great, too. But, emotionally, it's not okay. I am much more upset over the fertility than I am the cancer. It will be cut out. End of story. My heart will never heal from any of this fertility shit because there will never be a last chapter. It will just keep going on and on and on until I decide that I'm done. The only blessing will be if the world does actually end on Friday and I won't have to worry about any of this anymore. It has to be what hell is like. Misery. Over and over. Oh, not enough misery? Was that a smile you almost had? Oh, well, here's cancer. Let that destroy any hope you had left. Now, live with that the rest of your life. Yeah, I call your bluff if you claim that's God's plan.

Flu...or not?

First, we finally fixed our computer, so YAY to easier blogging! Not much to catch up on, but what I thought was the flu, apparently wasn't. For the last week-ish or so, I've been sick to my stomach from the time I wake up until when I go to bed. Then, later in the week, my bones started to hurt and, well, the poo was a little different if you get my drift. But, I never got to the point where I would consider myself sick. Just, getting sick. Then, I remembered. Not sure how I forgot. As if my body isn't already a disaster area in need of help from FEMA, I got my pap results back and they were abnormal. Lovely. So, last Friday, I went in for the doc to look around with this microscope thingy. Not a big deal at all until he found what needed bioposied. Great. Procedure itself wasn't bad. I walked like a truck had driven out of my crotch for the next day or so, but other than that, I was fine. The results were supposed to take 5 days. Well, today is day 6. I guess I didn't realize I was worried about the biopsy results, but knew I'd be a little bit of a mess over my upcoming m/c anniversary next week. Even though it's been 6 years, this time of year is still rough. At this point, we still had a heart beat. So, yeah. I take from Nov. 13- Dec. 13 to beat myself up a little over how it was my fault, which we know know after the surgery in January, is indeed the case. So, load the worry from the biopsy on top, anxiety central. I've lost a considerable amount of weight from all of it, too. Which, because I'm a typical vain woman, can't say I dislike. Plus, it helped me make my WW final goal weight which I been trying to do for three years! Yay me! I celebrated by downing 1/2 a bag of potato chips. Maybe this explains why it took so long to get to goal? Anyway, when I hear, I'll update. This week is the anniversary date. I always wonder if we had never heard it's heart beat if it would still be as painful. Knowing that it was a healthy baby, heart beating away, just implanted on my septum which could not sustain life past a certain point. Yeah, it's just another way to beat myself up. Women are quite good at that, aren't we. I thought about looking at my m/c as a sign from above that there was something wrong with my uterus, which we were told before was fine. Although it took six more years to find a doctor to figure out the septum was indeed there, we still found it and will hopefully have a successful pregnancy with our upcoming IVF. That scenario is much less painful, but it's still hard not to blame myself. Oh well. God has a plan. I'm not sure what it is right now, but hopefully it will all fall together soon enough. Right now, I'm working hard at being happy and cheery for Ayden and getting this house full of Christmas Spirit! I do LOVE Christmas and being with family and friends. They always know what to say, or better yet, when to not say a word, to make you feel better.

I am Thankful this Thanksgiving

While this blog is used primarily for complaining about the ins and outs of infertility, I really do have a lot to be thankful for this week. First, my son is amazing. We had his conference tonight and he continues to amaze me. I'm not sure how he got so smart, but dang!! He scored advanced on the state test so he won't have to take the test in the Fall, he is reading well above grade level, and has an understanding of math that I wish I had half of at his age. This kid loves to read, too. Now, when given a choice to read or play, he'd definitely choose to play. But, as a teacher, I know how important it is for kids to enjoy reading in order to be successful and this just thrills me for him. I hope school continues to be this way for him, which is NOT how it was for me! Second, I'm so incredibly thankful for my hubs. This year we will be celebrating 10 years of marriage and 14 years of being together. When I look at all we've been through, from a surprise pregnancy (yes, I get the irony of this in my current situation!), through a year long deployment to Iraq and the aftermath that would bring over the next many years, we somehow, although not always gracefully, made it through together. I couldnt imagine a better soulmate for myself. I am also VERY thankful for my RE who has diagnosed our most recent issues with the septum and my last endo clean out. I am also rather fond of the meds he put me on to put the endo on my colon and in my tubes into remission. Not having a period since August has been amazing, but not being in any endo pain is the most exhilarating feeling in the world. Words fail to describe how the pain has stained many holiday memories and it won't even be an issue this year! Praise God!! In my darkest of times, these are the people that bring me hope and make me get up, dust my ass off, and continue along this journey to bring home our baby.