6dp5dt

Stark white. The test couldn't have been any whiter. I hate those damn things. Truth be told, I really feel like I'm out. It doesn't take a psychic to see that this body can't get pregnant. Yes, it's still early, I hear all of you happy, positive people out there. Well, I'm in no mood for that shit. I'm a realist. I disagree that any negative or positive thinking will make this cycle work or not work at this point. Either that little thing will implant or it won't. Because I'm not an idiot, I can pretty much tell you which it will be. I will never hold it against the hubs for talking me into this IVF or letting me think that this was our answer, but I'm not really happy that I have to experience the feelings that go with a failed cycle again. I had put those days behind me and I was very happy about not having to feel like a huge failure.

So, yes. I get that it's early, but not only am I a realist, I'm a planner to the -nth degree. So, the plan is this. Get through this awful week. Move on to FET. I don't really have a choice. While my body can't seem to get pregnant, it can apparently make a shit ton of embryos. So, there are 5 waiting for us. I do NOT want to be pregnant with twins. I wouldn't mind having twins at all, but the complications of a twin pregnancy don't excite me in the least. I think it would be selfish of me to do that. So, that's exactly what we'll do. I'm going to be a selfish ass and put two back. Put caution to the wind and say fuck reason. Plus, the hubs is against it and I did what he wanted this time. I'm overruling him next time. End of story. That will be the last cycle I can do before school starts back up. There is no way I can cycle while I'm working. The monitoring appointments are insane. I so thought I'd be pregnant before school started back up. Ha! Funny story. I've already counted myself out of the cycle I haven't started. Great attitude. Well, I have no more fuzzy happiness left, so get over it. It's scary because I will never do another fresh IVF. Ever. So, those remaining 5 embryos are all we have left. Ever. Scary. I hope there's one take home baby in that batch.

If/when we do another cycle I'm not telling a soul. I'll probably make this blog private, so don't be surprised when you can't read it for awhile. I'll "unprivate" it after it's all over so you can read about the horrors that happened. However, it's just too much. Too many people know about this cycle and that was stupid on my part. I didn't have any idea how emotional this would be and to hear from multiple people in one day is more than I can handle. I get it. Everyone is excited. They automatically think that IVF=baby. Now, not only do I have to be depressed as shit this week, I get the honor of telling all of these people (very kind and loving people) that IVF does not =baby. It equals a hell of sorts that, if you've never been through, you'll never get in a zillion years. I just don't need lots of false hope from gads of people. They can all be hopeful, but keep it to themselves. Again, I'll be realistic.

The one who is really going to take it hard is the hubs. He is actually in the category of IVF=baby. Where has he been during these meetings where we hear the statistics? In some la-la land happy place that he didn't invite me to, I guess. I should probably tell him about the stark white test today so he can start to be let down early. So, I'll probably block myself from the entire world this week and be a home body. I just can't be positive this week and if I see people, my personality automatically feels the need to pretend to be happy all the time. I'm just not up for that shit this week. So, if we had plans this week, and I cancel them, don't take it personally. It's not you, it's me. After my drunk fest this next weekend, maybe I'll be up for seeing people. Or maybe not. But, that needs to be respected because this is my own personal hell and I'm not inviting anyone in right now.

I read a great blog about how to handle IVF. One of the rules, so to speak, was to have a great support system, but to set guidelines with the people that know. I definitely didn't do that but never even thought to. One rule that is suggested is, don't contact me, I'll tell you when there's something you need to know. It's not like I go asking everyone, "So, how was the sex? Did it make a baby? Oh, it's so exciting." Why? Because that's rude and it's none of my business. Somehow, people think that just because science is involved, there are no boundaries for what idiotic things you can say or ask. And, what people don't realize is they're not the only ones saying and asking things in one day. So, multiple times a day, I'm dealing with my own inner shit, and having to answer people's questions about my personal baby making life. Well, I decided to be a hard ass and just not answer anymore questions. I'm not being mean. I'm being private. I deserve what little decency and privacy that I have left. So, this blog may not contain as much riveting news as in the past either. I sound like such a bitch because I am so lucky to have lots of people who care. But, I just need them to care in a different way that is supportive to me. And, constantly having to put on my happy face is not helpful to me. Since that's my personality, I just can't change that. I'm really not trying to offend anyone, but just protect my own feelings. I at least deserve that at this point.

5dp5dt

Well, I tested this morning. I don't think there's a camera in the entire universe that could capture the line. It was very, very faint. It did show up within 3 minutes, but never got very dark. At all. So, I'll just assume that yesterday's test was the trigger. This morning's test was only about hours after last night's, so I'm not sure how to explain all of that except that the trigger is the devil of IVF. Yeah. I think that's accurate.

I'm not gonna lie, I did buy more tests today...someone hide my debit card. Fast! I wasn't expecting last night's test to be positive, so that caused me to use an extra one. I need to be prepared for whatever might happen this week. I apologize in advance to anyone within a 30 mile radius who needs hpt's this week. The store is fresh out.

As for symptoms, I don't have any that can't be contributed to any of the drugs I'm pumped full of. I am very emotional, but I'm always emotional during the 2ww, so that isn't a sign. Really, it just scares the hubs. It gets a little ugly around here with the crying one minute, laughing the next. Scary stuff.

I've decided to wait until Monday to test again. That was my original plan, I think. Maybe I said a different day. I don't remember. So, if I didn't say it before, this is my new plan. Monday. After this morning, the faint, faint, faint line was a bit more than I wanted to handle today.

4dp5dt part 2 (included bad words. Sorry)

After my nap this morning, I woke up with NO symptoms. None. Zippo. Zilch. Then, due to lots of events today, I had a minor breakdown and just knew this whole thing was a waste of my time. Here I was, ready to disappoint everyone, again, for the zillionth time in 9 fucking years. I ended up crying a REALLY ugly cry to my hubs because so many people are counting on me for this to work. Most importantly, I so badly want to give him this gift. There are no words for how much I want for him to witness the birth of his child and not have the Red Cross tell him. Maybe I should be easier on myself.

We stayed busy after my breakdown by going to see The Heat (FREAKING HYSTERICAL!) and going to dinner. Then, we went to the grocery store. I remember, with my pregnancy with Ayden and my last pregnancy, I could NOT STAND going to the store from a very early on. All of the food made me want to puke. As I walked through the store, I started getting very hot. When I looked in peoples' carts, I wanted to puke on them. So, I headed to the paper isle. After spending most of my time getting toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, plastic forks, the hubs showed up and was really concerned with what we'd be eating this week...and, bam. It hit me. So, I did what any insane IF lady does and headed straight for the hpt's. I practically cleared the shelf. I had to hide them under the tp so the hubs didn't protest.

As we were leaving, I had to pee...but, my insane self, who is ONLY 4dp5dt decided, very illogically, to hold it and just use the first hpt when we got home, knowing fully that it would definitely be negative because it is just WAY too early and this pee had only been on hold in my bladder for about an hour, if that. But, at least I'd know that the trigger was out of my system.

So, what in the hell do I do with this:

 

Can you see it? In person, it's not even a squinter with late day pee...shit.



Yes, I should be excited. And, I reallllllllly want to be. But, it might still be the trigger. Damn. I should have tested it out. I could kick myself for not doing it this time.

I'll test in the morning, because now I have to. I've now, officially entered the point of no return. Oh God, please, please, please let this be real. And if this is real, thank you, thank you, thank you for forcing me to stick with this dream for so many years and not quitting! Damn it, now I'm crying!

4dp5dt

It's 6am and I've been wide awake since 3am, again. Throw in there a bout of intense nausea (probably from being very hot) and now I've become symptom obsessed. Great. I goo.gled "insomnia during 2ww" and you'd be surprised how many people have the same issue. Many are indeed pregnant. Many are just stressed and can't sleep. Only time will tell which I am. For now, at least, I'm getting tired. Maybe I'll get a couple hours of sleep before everyone else gets up. Nite all!

3dp5dt

It's only been one day since yesterday? This is the slowest 2ww ever in the history of 2ww's. Seriously. I even went over to hang out with my MIL and FIL during the day yesterday. Being a teacher, I don't even have work to keep me busy right now. I continue to watch trashy tv and get up often to keep blood flowing to my baby incubator, but besides that, I'm flat out bored. Tonight, we're all going to dinner. To me, this is a huge deal. I'm so excited to go somewhere. This is pathetic. I own a car for goodness sakes. I could get my butt in the car and go somewhere. But, I'm not really up for making decisions right now, so I don't know where I'd even take myself. Geesh. Although, I am 100% positive about what I'm getting for dinner tonight...I'm drooling just thinking about the amazing salad dressing...don't tell, but it's so amazing that it takes all I have not to lick my plate when the salad is gone. Maybe I'll be a rebel tonight and just do it. The hubs would just die.

Oh. Tomorrow, we're meeting my dad halfway between our house and his and dropping off Ayden with him for the weekend. Ayden thinks he's quite the big deal going to the big city to hang out with his grandparents for the weekend! He'll be spoiled rotten and come back tired as heck! After we do the kid exchange, the hubs and I are going to see the movie, The Heat. I am so excited to see it! I've been talking about it since I saw the first preview months ago. I LOVE both of the actresses in the movie and plan on laughing my tail off. Laughter increases chances of success in IVF, right?
Because of this, I find myself laughing loudly at really idiotic things. Do you think my body knows that I'm tricking it? I doubt it.

 All of a sudden this week, I've decided that waking up at 4:30/5:00 was something teachers do in the Summer. Um, no. And, then, last night, I was wide awake at 3:00. Really? There was nothing at all I could do to fall asleep. So, naturally, I googled, "Insomnia in the 2ww." Seriously, I've completely lost it. After cuddling with my puppies, I think I fell back asleep around 5:30. Then, the hubs' alarm clock went off at 6:15. For reals. I decided to take my "Calm the heck down uterus" meds (600mg ibu and Xanax...seriously, this was prescribed by my RE. I'm not even making that up. I take them 2x's a day and then take what we refer to as my "Xanax nap.") and then I fell back to sleep until 9:45. Thank heavens! How would I ever enjoy my dinner out if I was a walking zombie? But, here it is 12:15, and I'm ready for  another nap.

As far as symptoms go, nada. I mean, sure, there's crampy/pulling/something going on in there. But, I really think it's my ovaries trying to settle down. I can attribute all of the other things I'm feeling to the PIO and suppositories I'm taking. I'm tired, bbs hurt (but they hurt during stims and never stopped), thirsty (which makes me pee in the night, and that really makes me mad!), and this new insomnia I decided to try out last night. My opinion, they're all from drugs I'm taking. Minus the waking up in the middle of the night. I'm not sure I know where that's coming from.

2dp5dt

Not much to report. I'm trying to stay busy and watch a ton of trashy TV. There is a show called Wicked Mom's or Wicked Weird Moms or Spoiled Wicked Moms from the South or Somewhere and I find it absolutely hysterical. The hubs absolutely cannot stand it! It's about competitive mothering and these very wealthy women who are "mothers" but have nannys and spend tons of money on weird things that their kids don't really need and give their two year old kid Coke. Yep. A Coke. I am so beyond happy that I don't care one single ounce what other people think of my mothering. Being a mother isn't about impressing others, but rather, it's about mothering...odd, huh? I do happen to LOVE the fashion sense of a couple of the mothers and that's probably what keeps me coming back for more. If I were tall and super skinny, I'd wear leggings and furry boots everyday with a furry vest. Ok. I probably would never do that, but the idea of having enough money to buy whatever clothing I want is a little nice to think about. Instead of having tons of money to do whatever I want with, I have guilt from just having a credit card. Darn my own conservative monetary morals.

And, I'm watching lots of episodes of  House Hunters. It makes me want to renovate every inch of my house. When we bought our home, we loved it because it was an older home with lots of renovations we could do together. Now, those are the same reasons we want to move! Unfortunately, when we bought our home we had NO idea we'd be paying well over $200k in almost a decade to expand our family. So, rather then fixing up our home, we now have 5 frostie babies and one that better be implanting today. I'd say we definitely made the best decision :)  House remodeling jobs will always be there. My eggs, on the other hand, just kept getting older.

Obviously, no symptoms today. The PIO injections are really not bad at all. My bum is sore, but I truly don't mind getting the actual injection. I numb it with ice for about 5 minutes and don't even feel it. I've have very sore bbs from all of the hormones for quite sometime, so I'm pretty sure it will be nearly impossible to read into any symptoms I may feel over the next week or so. It's really better that way! Much less obsessing!

PUPO!

I am PUPO! (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!) It was the most amazing experience ever. It started early in the morning because we are 1 1/2 hours from our RE's office. So, I had to pack up the meds I was supposed to take, along with bottles of water to guzzle, and my timeline for when to do those things and we were off!

The drive was relatively fast and by the time we got there, I was tired from the Xanax and I had to pee. Bad. I was supposed to drink 24oz of water, but knowing my body, I only drank 16oz. Naturally, when we arrived, they were running behind. Normally, I wouldn't care. But, my bladder cared. A lot. When it was finally our turn, the nurse did the u/s to look at how full my bladder was and told me to empty some because it was too full. I was never more thankful to use the restroom in my entire life! She explained what would happen and we just waited for the RE and other nurse to come in.

When our RE came in, he was all smiles and was giddy with how amazing our 6 remaining embryos were. We all even joked that we almost didn't belong in a fertility office. Thank you endo. He said that every time they looked at these little guys under the microscope, they were just amazing! He gave us a picture of the one that was chosen to be our baby this time and my eyes filled with tears. When I gave it to the hubs, he just stared and smiled. Isn't he/she beautiful:

The collection of cells on the right of the picture is the part that will form the baby. The rest is everything else. Cutest little thing ever, right?!

Everyone had on hairnets (probably not the technical term) and masks and footie thingys. Apparently, the secret room where they embryo had been living was quite clean and he/she was starting life as a clean freak...I'll have to work on that! The hubs came around by my head  and we were ready for one of the most beautiful moments of our life. After we all got set up, the embryologist passed the little embryo through the "magic" window in the wall to our RE and in he/she went. You could actually see it enter my uterus. Absolutely miraculous! And, because our RE is amazing, he said, "Replay!" and kept playing the video of the transfer over and over for us. He even printed a picture of the baby in my uterus for us. It is amazing. Just a little white speck. I never ever would wish infertility on a single person in my entire life. Ever. But, to witness this start of life that most parents don't get to witness was like a peek into a miracle. We are so blessed. Just as amazing, we have 5 more perfect embryos just like this that are now frozen and waiting to join our family some day. God is so amazing. There are no words for how amazing I feel that medicine has given us what I can't give myself.

After we were done, we were told that I was under no restrictions and to carry on with my Reactive Uterus meds (Xanax and ibuprofen...thank you again endo) and my dostinex to help keep OHSS mild. So, far, it's working. The doctor did warn us that once the embryo implants to expect the pregnancy hormone to make the OHSS symptoms worse. He said it will be like I have the flu for awhile. After waiting 9 years to make it to this point, I'll take the flu for awhile. I might regret saying that very soon. But, no bed rest after transfer...every RE has different ideas on this, but since mine has the highest success rate in the state at 60%, I'll assume he knows what he's talking about!

Oh, and I did ask a zillion times if the embryo will fall out. After being given lots of analogies for why this can't happen, I finally believe them! My favorite analogy is that it's like putting a grain of rice in a jar of peanut butter...yep. As we left the office, the nurse said, "Now, stay positive! You hear me, stay positive!" So, those were my only marching orders. They're hard ones because I am fully aware of the reality of IVF. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I thank God that we still have 5 frosties if we need them. But, I pray like a mad crazy woman that this is it!

After our transfer was over, the hubs took me to lunch. We were both so giddy because we had this secret that no one else in the entire place knew about. We also talked a little about religion. I haven't touched on it much here, but I'm Catholic. Knowing that we'd need to do IVF to conceive made me stop going to church quite awhile ago. I strongly disagree with a church telling a couple how they can conceive. For us, it isn't our first choice. We'd much rather go on vacation, rumble around in the sheets and voila! But, that isn't a possible plan for us. I don't believe for one minute that He wants us to suffer with infertility and that is why he allowed man to create ways for couples like us to get pregnant. The hubs, looking at the picture of our embryo during lunch, realizing what a miracle this is, knowing that two people who love each other are creating life, mentioned that the Catholic church is so wrong. I think we'll be church hunting now.