26 Weeks

I forgot to post last week and we've had a lot going on! The nursery is coming right along. The crib is all set up. The mattress has been raised, the skirt is on, the quilt that I said I wasn't getting but did anyway is hanging over the side never to be used. But, it's adorable! Pink curtains hung. Forty hangers hanging in the closet with tiny clothes.

Last weekend, we bought our stroller after some debate. We originally wanted an UPPA Ba.by stroller, but found an amazing deal on a Britax one instead. If we decide that we don't like it, we'll upgrade later. For now, it's perfect and the price was amazing! Buying a big item was very weird. I felt like a fake. With my huge gut. Yeah. Sure did.

Next month is the sibling class, birth class, and our babymoon. I can't even believe that it's time for all of that already. When I scheduled all of those things, I was certain that we wouldn't actually make it that far. Who knew?

Little girl (who does have a name that you'll know when she is born) is moving like crazy! It is absolutely amazing. Even though I don't want to be pregnant ever again, I will miss feeling a baby move. There is nothing like it. Especially when they kick your bladder and make you pee yourself.

24+3

We made it! I am over  24 weeks pregnant and things are still great. Who knew?

As for me, I'm feeling amazing. My back hurts, I'm swollen at the end of the day, and my sciatic nerve is acting up, but I certainly wouldn't trade it for not being pregnant. I seriously have no complaints at all.

Now that I have started to realize that I'm actually going to be having a real life baby, I realized that I should probably get busy on her nursery. I still refer to the room as the "extra room" which confuses my mom. Perhaps I am still having issues with connecting to the reality of what is happening, but at least I'm realizing that there is a room in my house that needs filled with pink stuff. Lots of it.

I'm not into the cute bedding sets, so we've I've just decided on colors that we'll use in the room. The walls are a pale blue from when Ayden was in there and I'm not planning on changing it. Less work = happy me. So, we'll accent with pink, green, and yellow. It might end up looking like a rainbow puked all over, but I'm okay with that for now.

Because I'm having a hard time getting things done in the extra room, I decided that it was time to buy clothes. Lots of clothes. There were amazing Labor Day sales, what can I say? The box came in the mail and I was pretty shocked at how much I actually bought. Oops! Ayden is pretty sure that she's set on clothes until she's 4.

One of my cousins has sent the baby two pairs of shoes and they are absolutely adorable! The baby now has 4 pairs of completely useless shoes that she'll probably lose, but whatever. She also has more hair bands and clips for hair that may or may not exist. Probably also unnecessary, but the damage has been done.

Lately, I'm also into freaking myself out about how little time is left. I had Ayden at just over 37 weeks. That's only 13 weeks away. Yikes. If 24 weeks went fast, imagine how quickly 13 weeks will go by. Yikes! Before we know it, we'll be a family of 4!

Today. The last day I am allowing myself to worry.

Today is finally here and almost over. Today, I am 23 weeks and 6 days. One day away from the first level of viability. Tomorrow, they will try to save her if she is born early. Tomorrow, I can finally allow myself to believe that this might just have a happy ending.

My baby girl has fought to survive inside of my crazy uterus. She will have my strength and for that I'm so thankful. We can start to dream about what she will look like, what it will feel like to hold her in our arms.

To celebrate, the outfit that I bought to bring her home came in the mail today. It is absolutely amazing that I will actually be putting that outfit on my baby girl. Miracles really do happen people.

This all being said, today I am thankful to my body. It has nourished my babies. It might have fought me along the way, but in the end, she got her act together.

I have been having a hard time realizing that we should be getting ready to bring two babies home. My doctor said it would come in waves. This wave is pretty big right now. When I see twins or someone mentions them out of nowhere, it makes my heart ache. I am so grateful for our blessing, but I wonder what it would have been like to watch them grow up together. No matter how sad I am about it, just like my other miscarriage, nothing will change it. I'm trying to just focus on our baby girl and know that someday, we'll meet our other babies.

We have nothing.

Well, we have clothes thanks to an online shopping spree, but as I get closer to 24 weeks (my safe zone), I'm realizing that time is going pretty fast and we have nothing. I started looking at furniture last night and that was overwhelming. Too many choices. So, I went back to cute baby clothes. Much easier.

Honestly, I'm trying to narrow down exactly what we need compared to crap we won't really use. I think since this is my second and we are starting over with baby gear, I'm full aware that some of it will only get used for a few months and then be sold, given away, etc.

Of course, there's all of the little stuff that we need that I kinda forgot about. Bottles anyone? Yeah. We are seriously starting over. Luckily, we've been saving money to buy the stuff even though we haven't been comfortable enough to actually purchase anything yet. Before I felt like a fraud. Now, I feel confused and rushed. Yeah. I have 16 weeks left. I realize that. But, the Fall is CRAZY busy with sports and holidays, etc. So, that time will fly by.

Some of the stuff I can just order online, but some of it I need to get my hands on. The hubs is overwhelmed with the choices, too. Shopping should be lovely. Maybe we should take Ayden to help make choices.

I am three days away from viability. Three. My anxiety is pretty high as it gets closer, so hopefully it goes quickly. To celebrate on Wednesday, the hubs and I were gonna go out to dinner while Ayden was at practice. Well, he has a game on Wednesday. Honestly, it will be a perfect way to celebrate! I can have dinner out anytime. I'll just make him take me the next night :)

23 Weeks

So, here I am. Twenty three weeks pregnant. Who woulda thought it was possible? As I sit here, one week away from viability, I am completely floored.

I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. It is truly amazing. Me. An actual infertile. Pregnant with some stroke of a miracle and a baby that is fighting like mad to defy all odds against us. My sweet daughter is stubborn like her mother. Thank you God for that. Our stubbornness is the only reason we are able to enjoy each other now. I am so blessed.

Today, I was walking through school saying 'hi' to the kids and I realized that I was feeling a really strange feeling. It was something I had felt before, but it had been a very long time. Soon I realized that I am so very happy. Like, to the core of my being. I am so happy.

And, I'm actually a nice person. Who knew? I think the hubs is happy to have his wife back after a decade of being pumped full of hormones. I'm really happy to have myself back, too.

Next week, to celebrate viability day, the hubs and I are going to treat ourselves to a nice dinner out. Just the two of us. What a huge accomplishment for my poor endo riddled body. I am so very proud of my body for hanging in there. I also realized that in just 16 weeks (or less), we will be meeting our sweet girl. Insane. I actually had Ayden at just over 37 weeks, so it could be much less than that. So hard to believe that before this year is over, she will be here.

No complaints from me. I am so blessed.

22 Weeks. What if?

What if I would have quit trying? What if I didn't listen to the hubs and try IVF just one more time. The pain of infertility is so real and deep and I was so bruised and battered from our fight that I was just done. I had given up on my body.

I thank God every single day that I listened to my husband and did IVF just one more time. Under the circumstances, it was crazy. Absolutely crazy. He had just lost his job and it would take all of our savings. But, we trusted God and just went for it. So scary. Nothing went right during the cycle. But, the outcome was perfect.

Here I sit at 22 weeks pregnant. Me. Pregnant. With a sweet baby girl. I had given up on ever having my own daughter. Now, I'm only 4 (almost 3) months away from meeting her. My children are actual miracles.

This week, my baby girl attended her first week of 7th and 8th grade with me. I mean, what choice did she really have? She slept through most of it, but can you blame her? The first week is usually pretty uneventful.

She moves constantly and I love every second of it. The hubs thinks it's creepy. Ha! It's not even inside of him and he can't handle it. He does love to feel her move around and as she gets bigger, hopefully Ayden can be patient enough to feel her, too.

I have slowly let myself pick out room décor for her bedroom. I found some curtains that I love and I'll just do the rest of the room around those. They are yellow, blue, and pink. Not gonna lie. I looked for something with blue in it so I didn't have to repaint the bedroom. I hate to paint. With a passion. So, it'll save time, money, and arguments. I'm in.

I also let myself buy pink stuff last weekend. She now has lots of frilly gowns and sleepers for the first few weeks.

My big baby boy starts 5th grade on Monday. How is it even possible? He does amazing in school, but he isn't excited about starting back at all. This should be an interesting year. I also realized that when this new baby starts kindergarten, my big baby will be in the 10th grade. Holy crap.

And, side note, my boobs are leaking. Gross.

Early Morning Snack

One time, I watched a horribly scary movie about some girl who was possessed. It was based on a true story. So horrifying. Somewhere in the movie, they said that spirits come out at 3am hour.

Why do my middle of the night pee breaks always need to be somewhere between 3-4am? For the love of all scary things. It's now 5am and I haven't been back to sleep. My back is killing me and there are apparently ghosts running all over. Outstanding.

So, I did what any normal pregnant woman would do and ate some cottage cheese and OJ, grabbed my computer and ran for safety. Completely normal. The baby LOVED my middle of the night snack. She's been kicking like crazy in there. It really is the most amazing thing on the planet. It did creep me out at first. I'm not gonna lie. Now, it's amazing.

She's a strong little girl, too. When she moves, I can see my stomach move and if my hand is on my stomach, it's pretty strong. I cannot wait until December is here so I can meet her. I think she's gonna be a big baby. No real reason, just a feeling I have. Interestingly enough, I'm carrying so much differently than I did with Ayden. I don't know if it's a second pregnancy thing or me having a girl. But, I'm pregnant everywhere. My ass is growing at the same rate as my belly. My face is also pregnant. It's really adorable. I certainly don't mind, but I'm not sure I'll stick with the puffy marshmallow look post delivery. See:

 

Me at 21 Weeks + a Double Chin

For the record, she is nameless. It's driving me absolutely insane. The hubs won't settle on a name. He has commitment issues. Since I'm with her 24/7 and I want to say her name when I'm talking to her, I need something. Anything really. I'm over calling her "baby". Every time I bring it up, he gets a headache. Maybe I'll start crying because she doesn't have a name. That'll freak him out and maybe cause him to commit. Even if it's just to shut me up. I don't really care at this point.