Wow.

Clearly, yesterday was not a good day. Holy depressing post. But, it's my reality, I guess. After getting that all out, I felt a zillion times better. I'm still not buying this whole pregnancy thing, but at least I'm not as down as I was yesterday.

Last night, our glider came in the mail. It was pretty surreal to sit in it and imagine that I'll be holding an outside baby really soon. When I rocked, the little lady moved all over the place. Based on her movement during this pregnancy, I have a feeling that she won't be as laid back as her big brother.

I had big plans to get some things done around here...packing my bag, cleaning the house, and whatever else I could get myself into. But, then this past Tuesday, I fell in my work parking lot and sprained my foot. Yep. Sure did.

Crutches and being 8 months pregnant do not go well together. Honestly, this can probably be why my mood sucked a huge one yesterday. I'm so mad at myself for falling. Granted, I didn't do it on purpose, but I had crap to get done darn it.

I was off work for the rest of the week and probably sitting around here, looking at all I need to do and making lists of things to do put me in a crappy mood. But, I have been able to put a little pressure on my foot, so hopefully by next weekend I'll be good to go.

This morning, I went through and read all of my posts from this last IVF. First, my mind was all over the place. Second, how is it that IVF even works? So weird. Clearly, I'm here to prove that it does, but it's just so unexplainable to me. I get the whole science part, but to think that this baby has already been out of my body at one point? Weird. Then, to look at pictures of a ball of 100 cells and to now feel her kicking the crap out of me? So amazing.

What would I tell this girl if I could give her advice on her transfer day?

I'd tell her to hang in there. Granted, I was doped up on Xanax before transfer in this picture, I was also full of doubt. Hope had left the building. I'd let her know that it really will be okay. Miracles really do happen and even though she'd waited a long time and felt overlooked, her time was so very close. I'd let her know that faster than she would even realize, she'd be in the third trimester, waiting to deliver a beautiful baby girl. The daughter she was positive that she'd never get the chance to meet. She was wrong. All of those years, she was so very wrong. And, for the first time in her entire life, it would feel so amazing to have been wrong! There would soon be tiny pink clothes filling her home and tons of pink baby stuff starting to take over. She'd still be very confused as to why these things were in her house, but deep inside, she knew that it would be okay. Her baby girl found her and the day they will meet will be like no other day in the history of her entire life. A miracle. Saved just for this hopeless girl.

34+2 Weeks

Infertility.

I have thought of myself as infertile for so long that this is all still very surreal for me. Not even surreal. Just, not possible. I mean, I see myself getting bigger. A lot bigger. But, my mind hasn't caught up with why. My heart is protecting all of me from anything that might go wrong, I believe.

I've heard that once a person who has struggled with infertility is pregnant, she never can get rid of the feelings of being infertile. This is supposedly true the longer you dealt with infertility.

I thought it was a bunch of crap.

I was wrong. It is so very true. I still see myself as broken. It's very, very odd. I am going through the motions so I can be prepared for a baby in a few weeks, but I have not really been able to enjoy or embrace the fact that it will be me bringing my very own baby home.

Waiting for that other shoe to drop.

I have just recently started to deal with the loss of our twin. The twin that we lost will be born on the same day as our little girl. I'm not sure how to handle that. At the hospital where we will deliver, they play a lullaby when a baby is born. Do I ask them do play it twice for us, like they do for other twins that are born? Is that a weird request? I'm not sure.

We were told that because we lost our baby before his/her bones were hardened, he/she will not be recognizable to us, but the doctor will be able to tell. I don't want to see it. But, is that wrong? No clue. I just pray that the joy from our little girl being born will take over my grief for our loss.

I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I have been carrying both of my babies for this long, but only get to bring one home. I'm absolutely terrified that something will happen to our surviving twin and I'll come home with empty arms.

So, infertility, here's a big "Fuck You" for stealing any chance I've had at enjoying my pregnancy, not for a lack of trying.