Lilypie - Pregnancy

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Miracles happen and dreams really do come true

There are many emotions running through my body right now. I have a lot to say, but words fail me. When we started our infertility treatments, I knew in my heart of hearts, deep down, often so deep down that it seemed impossible, I just knew that at some point, it would be our turn.

Watching friend after friend, family member after family member, get pregnant and have babies was so painful. It was as if they were living my dream and God had forgotten about me.

But, I pushed on. Family told me I was crazy. I was told I needed to give it up. We tried to adopt. We did so many IUI's that I lost count. I've been injected with more hormones than I ever imagined. We had a failed fresh and a failed frozen IVF cycle. Then, it happened. Something finally clicked. I became pregnant on our second fresh IVF cycle.

However, I never, not even for one second of my pregnancy, let myself truly believe that it was actually my turn. My reasoning? If, God forbid, something happened to the baby, it would be unbearable. I needed to protect myself.

Before this pregnancy, I used to be a lot of things.

I used to be scared of needles. I used to have no hope. I used to skip baby showers. I used to stay awake at night, crying because I didn't know how I'd go on if I never got pregnant again. I used to watch other people live my dreams and be jealous. I was so jealous. I was unhappy. I was defeated.

Then, on 12/13/14, at 1:19am, this happened:


And, all was well with my soul.

In one split second, my world was filled with hope again. My daughter looked into my eyes and eleven years of pain were suddenly gone. I was free from the pain of infertility. I was free from the pain that comes with years of failure. It all finally made sense.

This tiny little girl was meant to be ours. Had I gotten pregnant in a different cycle, this baby, my baby, wouldn't be laying on my chest, crying her way into my soul. We were never meant to have another baby. This sweet angel came into the world and healed the saddest places in my heart.

My world is complete.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

37+6

Today, I'm still pregnant and I'm very okay with that. It's not that I'm not ready to meet our baby girl. I just am not sure that I'm ready to put the pregnancy part behind me. It has sucked horribly, but knowing that I'll never get to do this again? A little sad.

But, on a happier note, I'm huge! The baby has been estimated to be around 7ish pounds, but I'm sure she's closer to 20lbs. There's no way that I gained all that weight in my butt.

I've been feeling pretty crampy for the last week, on and off. Hopefully, that means something is happening in there. I was only dilated a fingertip at my last appointment. I think that was her way to make me feel better. I'm not sure that a fingertip even means much. But, I really was okay with it. Like I said, I'm just going with the flow at this point. I am on maternity leave, as of yesterday. The baby has dropped and I have to pee a couple of times an hour. That just isn't possible at my work. So, I decided that I'm done. While it's nice to be done, I need to continue to fill my time so I don't drive myself crazy.

As for going with the flow, she wants to induce at 39+1, which is next week. It has to do with my anxiety. I feel a little guilty for needing to be induced, but it really is the healthiest option at this point. Of course, she is welcome to pick her own due date this week! 

Besides the anxiety, I'm in a good place. Bag is packed, baby stuff has been washed and is just waiting, and her room is done. I am so excited to meet this long awaited and prayed for baby. The hubs, on the other hand, is freaking out. I catch him looking at me every-so-often. I think it's a mix of him being in awe of me being pregnant, my sheer size (as I'm usually pretty small), and the fact that an actual baby will be here soon. He's a bigger mess than I am! And, for the record, he has gained more weight than I have. Poor guy!

Ayden is as excited as they come. He cannot wait for her to get here. The other night, I had an upset stomach from something I ate. When I mentioned it, he got all excited, thinking it was baby time. Poor kid. He keeps a very close eye on me, as do the dogs. There isn't a minute when one of the three of them isn't following me around the house.

Now that I'm close to being done, I will admit that being pregnant after infertility hasn't been the easiest mentally. However, I can truly say that I would take this entire experience, all 11 years, and do it all over again to be sitting here just waiting to meet our precious baby girl. We are so extremely blessed. Fat, but blessed!