Lilypie - Pregnancy

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

19 weeks!

The baby is definitely making him/herself known! S/he is moving around like crazy and it's so amazing. I've noticed that the baby is awake and moving in the early morning and evening, but is pretty quiet during the day. Maybe I'm just not noticing the jabs because I'm moving around, too.

After my breakdown yesterday, I was able to pull myself back together. This will most likely be my last pregnancy and I'm really trying to enjoy it, even if it's really hard most days. Maybe scary is a better way to explain it.

So, as a way to enjoy it, I started thinking of the amazing things that I get to experience while I'm pregnant. First, I am actually growing a baby. A real life baby. I get to feel the baby move and keep it all to myself for a couple more months before anyone else can feel it. I get to be my baby's first protector. That's a big role to take on. After 10 years of waiting, I get to be the woman walking down the street that is pregnant. I'm not simply watching everyone else enjoy pregnancy.

It's weird though that the infertile thoughts don't just go away. I wasn't prepared for that. Even though my baby is healthy and so am I, I still see myself as broken. I can't really explain it. Clearly, my body is doing what it is supposed to do, but I've spent so many years telling myself one thing that believing another is hard to do. Granted, just because I'm pregnant certainly doesn't mean I'm still not infertile. My endo is still there and is still hurting during pregnancy. But, besides that, it's doing what I asked her do it. I am pregnant. It is supporting my baby as he/she grows. Maybe I should be easier on myself.

Next week is our anatomy scan. I absolutely cannot believe that I am at this point in my pregnancy. I really doubted that I would make it this far. See, infertile thoughts. I cannot wait for Ayden to see his brother or sister on the screen. We have managed to wait until this point to find out what we're having and that is going to be so amazing to all find out together. When I found out with Ayden, I was alone. The hubs was in Iraq. Now, I'll have my little family, all huddled together when we find out.

At this point, we're all thinking girl. Not sure why, just a feeling I have. But, I was wrong with Ayden, so it's entirely possible that I'm wrong again! Ayden has said that it's a girl from the start, so we'll see.

After we find out, we are going to go to the party store and have a balloon bouquet made up of blue and pink balloons with one black balloon. In the black balloon, we'll have them put either pink or blue confetti. Next Saturday, Ayden is hosting a cook-out for his grandparents where he'll pop the black balloon and reveal what we are having. I'm not really into the whole reveal party thing, but this is VERY low-key with just grandparents and my brother. Plus, we thought this would be a good way to make Ayden feel included. So, he gets to spill the beans. Now to figure out how to keep his trap shut until the party!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Let's talk miscarriage

This pregnancy is going by so quickly. Just a few short weeks ago, I was expecting twins. We were so excited. Then, after many perfect ultrasounds, our baby A left no longer had a heartbeat. In a sense, my heart stopped beating, too.

There are no words for how painful it is to lose a baby that you can never hold. As a mother, you feel like you have to grieve and be sad forever because it's your job to miss that baby. It's all you can do once the baby is gone.

People don't even think it's a real loss because the baby never had a chance. It's bullshit. So, if it isn't a real loss, why does it feel like one?

I want nothing more than to be able to enjoy this pregnancy. It's so hard. How do I know that this baby won't be taken from me either? How can you enjoy something when you already know the pain of losing a baby?

Today, I'm just in a really shitty place. The closer to viability day I get, the more my anxiety rises. Hopefully, it'll be here quickly and I can start to relax a little bit.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

18 weeks!

Holy hell! How did I get so far along? I am really in shock and it seems to be going quickly, so that's nice.

As far as symptoms go, I'm hungry all the time. It's amazing how quickly I'm gaining weight, but it'll come off after, so I'm not worried. It might take longer to get it off since I'm older, but it'll happen.

I've been feeling quite a bit of movement and it's so miraculous. The baby likes to roll over and kick. It's such a relief. The movement isn't consistent now, but it's at least once a day.

The countdown to the a/s is on. We'll get to see this cutie two weeks from tomorrow. We will find out what we're having and it's so exciting, but more importantly, I'm just praying that everything is okay with this little one.

Other than sitting around and gestating, there isn't much going on this Summer. We've been to the pool a few times, but we're mostly just working on the house. This house will be the death of me. The hubs and I thought it would be fun to fix up an old house. Well, it's not fun. We've been at it for 10 years and it's exhausting. However, we're down to finishing up the paint outside and updating one bathroom. Then, we can just enjoy living here. Or sell and get the hell outta of here.

Friday, July 18, 2014

17 weeks

This past Wednesday marked 17 weeks! Time is really going quickly, but I am so okay with that. I am so ready to meet this baby. After waiting 10 years to just get pregnant, having to wait 5 more months almost seems like an eternity!

I haven't had any spotting more than two weeks. I'm still scared that it will start back up, but I'm starting to relax a little.

I've been feeling this little one quite a bit this week and it's amazing! I can only feel him/her in my lower left side because of how the placenta implanted, but here in a few weeks, it shouldn't matter.

We are trying to get things done around the house now so we can just relax once we get closer. Today, the hubs is painting the house and I can't wait to see it when it's done. I've been after him for YEARS to do this. Now that he's not working, he has plenty of time!!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Cervical Check!

They want it to be above 25mm and prefer a length of 35mm. Well, people: 52mm!!! What?! Not a typo! I seriously would hug my cervix if I could reach it! We won't have to go back for another check until 20 weeks. We also scheduled our a/s for August 7th! So, in one month, we'll know what we're having!

Our a/s is with a MFM because, again, I'm old. Plus they'll look at the baby's heart a little more. In IVF babies, it's important to have a closer look at the heart.

We also got our blood results back from the NT scan and it's only a 1 in 800 chance, so that's amazing news also.

We got a surprise u/s of the baby because they wanted to try and figure out where the bleeding was coming from. Well, baby A (the one we lost) is right next to my cervix. So, the blood is clearly coming from him/her. Most likely, when baby B moves, it is bumping into baby A, causing the bleeding. It was very obvious in the u/s, so that is such a relief.

As for our fighter of a baby, what a mover and a shaker! Flipping and flopping. Putting his/her hands in his/her mouth. Practicing breathing! The hubs said it looked like it was just like me and just talking and talking. Probably right. This baby is pretty stubborn, too. The tech kept trying to get it to flip so we could get a profile pic. The baby wasn't having any of it. This is definitely my kid, talkative, active, and stubborn. Oh my, we're in trouble!

I did talk to my OB about my anxiety and of course I cried. She said that in my situation, she would actually be more worried if I wasn't anxious because it would be me trying to hide my feelings. This wouldn't be good postpartum. She said, and I happen to feel she's right, that as we get closer to viability, it'll get better.

Overall, today was wonderful. I feel so much better knowing that my cervix is cooperating. Hopefully December gets here quickly because I'm ready to squeeze and kiss this little one to pieces!

16 weeks

My first cervical check is today. I've been extremely nervous about the results. I don't really know how much cervix was removed during my cone biopsy, but I do know that just having one can make the cervix weak.

Aside from that, I'm quite a mess. The doctor called to tell me I had a UTI. So, I'm on an antibiotic for that. The antibiotic is leading to a yeast infection, so that's fun, too.

Mentally, I'm a huge mess. We had another u/s this week because I apparently peed my pants (from the uti) but didn't know it at the time. I just knew there was clear fluid running down my leg. The notes my OB gave me said to call when there is a change in discharge. They sent me directly to the ER. Do not pass go. Great.

The u/s tech was an insensitive asshole. He kept referring to my pregnancy as a twin pregnancy and discussing how difficult twin pregnancies are to do an u/s for. Yes, buddy. It must be very difficult for you to continue to measure my dead baby and prove that there is no heartbeat. You must be just exhausted.

These comments have pretty much led me into a tailspin of sadness. We lost the baby far enough along that it looks like a baby. A tiny baby. My heart breaks. I am having a terrible time getting excited for the surviving baby because I'm terrified that something will go wrong. I don't trust my body to do what it is supposed to do.

People keep wanting to talk about my pregnancy and the baby and I just don't want to hear it. I truly would prefer to ignore it. I keep getting advice on what I should do and how I should feel and, truthfully, it's making me more stressed. I've dealt with IF for 10 years with only myself as my advocate. I'm pretty sure I can do it now, too. Plus, talking about it makes it more real. I absolutely cannot take my emotions there yet. I pray every single day that God has some grace left to get me through this.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

15 weeks and bedrest

I made it to 15 weeks and it seems like a big milestone with all the drama that has come along with this pregnancy.

Yesterday, I was sent to the ER by the on-call doctor because the spotting had returned, after a two day absence, and I had cramps. Great.

After a few hours, an IV, and every test known to man, no one can figure it out. So, I was put on bedrest until it stops. Which it has already. The cramping was because my potassium was low. So they gave me 4 potassium pills and sent me on my way. We finally had dinner around 11pm. Yikes.

Today, I had to go in to my OB for a follow up. Her only theory is that the baby that we lost, who they are now saying is baby A, is close to my cervix. Because the other baby is so active, it keeps moving the other baby around and dislodging it's placenta/other weird things that could be dislodged. I can get onboard with this, seeing as how in the ultrasound yesterday at the ER, the baby's placenta was completely gone.

So, the OB put me on bedrest until my appointment next week. Next week will be a cervical measurement, regular 16 week appointment, and to check on the spotting. I'm still on progesterone, so hopefully that keeps the spotting at bay.

I guess I'll have time to catch up on Orange is the New Black...