Thursday, July 10, 2014

16 weeks

My first cervical check is today. I've been extremely nervous about the results. I don't really know how much cervix was removed during my cone biopsy, but I do know that just having one can make the cervix weak.

Aside from that, I'm quite a mess. The doctor called to tell me I had a UTI. So, I'm on an antibiotic for that. The antibiotic is leading to a yeast infection, so that's fun, too.

Mentally, I'm a huge mess. We had another u/s this week because I apparently peed my pants (from the uti) but didn't know it at the time. I just knew there was clear fluid running down my leg. The notes my OB gave me said to call when there is a change in discharge. They sent me directly to the ER. Do not pass go. Great.

The u/s tech was an insensitive asshole. He kept referring to my pregnancy as a twin pregnancy and discussing how difficult twin pregnancies are to do an u/s for. Yes, buddy. It must be very difficult for you to continue to measure my dead baby and prove that there is no heartbeat. You must be just exhausted.

These comments have pretty much led me into a tailspin of sadness. We lost the baby far enough along that it looks like a baby. A tiny baby. My heart breaks. I am having a terrible time getting excited for the surviving baby because I'm terrified that something will go wrong. I don't trust my body to do what it is supposed to do.

People keep wanting to talk about my pregnancy and the baby and I just don't want to hear it. I truly would prefer to ignore it. I keep getting advice on what I should do and how I should feel and, truthfully, it's making me more stressed. I've dealt with IF for 10 years with only myself as my advocate. I'm pretty sure I can do it now, too. Plus, talking about it makes it more real. I absolutely cannot take my emotions there yet. I pray every single day that God has some grace left to get me through this.

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