Lilypie - Pregnancy

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

WTF Appointment

Long story short, our RE has no idea why our cycle failed. I'm not shocked because how the heck is he supposed to know? But, when you pay so darn much for IVF and it fails, you really want to know why it failed so it doesn't happen again.

He mentioned some tests he wants to do if we need to do another fresh cycle. Oh, how I pray it never comes to that. The tests are to check my immune system and something for the hubs DNA fragmentation. The tests and treatment (if there is an issue) will cost about $6k more, so we're hoping our first FET will be successful.

As for the FET, he said our embryos are excellent quality. We have one 2AA, one 3AB, and one 4AB.  He said, originally, he wanted to transfer 2 for the fresh, but because of my high E2, would only do 1 for my own safety. However, he wants to do 2 for our FET. I'm good with that and so is the hubs, which shocked me a little. I figured he'd never go for transferring 2, but he's always said that he'll go along with what our RE says is the best course of treatment.

The best part is the cost compared to a fresh cycle. Holy cheapness batman. Plus, it only involves two appointments. Yay for saving on gas! It seems very doable and much less stressful. We'll wait until after the SIL's wedding, but in the meantime, he wants me to download a visualization thing and listen to it. I told him I was pretty anxious and stressed during the last cycle and he said that the visualization won't hurt and it's cheaper than acupuncture. He actually recommended either of these things, but since they both have the same success and the visualization download is cheaper than weeks of acupuncture (and less painful!) I'm game for it. I told him I tried the Circle+Bl.oom download and it just ticked me off. He said he understands why because he's listened to it. He said it focuses too much on actually getting pregnant and can cause more stress from a situation you can't control. The one he recommended focuses more on my stress level and doesn't mention pregnancy. Once he said this, I realized this was exactly what ticked me off about the Circle+Bl.oom. So, right now, my job is to work on relaxing...seriously. It comes down to, "Just relax and it will happen"?! WTF!!!!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Third times...a charm?

Three run in's with pregnant announcements in two weeks. Really it should be outlawed to tell someone who just failed IVF all about your pregnancy. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! It's not that I don't care about you and your lovely pregnancy. I just don't have enough grace built up to deal with you and your happiness. It's not that I'm not trying. I am. I just wonder how much one person is expected to take before this nightmare ends. It really doesn't make sense. At all. I try to be kind and smile and show that I'm happy. But, inside I'm puking in my mouth from the punch in my gut. The last one was yesterday and it literally took my breath away. It actually hurt to read the fb announcement. Considering the person who announced her pregnancy is now 6 months along and we *we're pretty good friends, she never even told me. I'm sure it is because of IF. I hate that IF makes people think they can't tell me their news. What's worse is that I hate how IF makes me feel toward these women. I know they didn't get pregnant to spite me. It's not them that I'm upset with. It's myself and the cards I was dealt. The hubs and I are financially stable. We love kids. We want kids more than we can even explain. But, for some reason we cannot, by any means we've tried, seem to have kids. Even with adoption, we've been waiting for years. Ayden is now 10. He's grown up as an only child. He's no worse for the wear, but I am so pissed at how having a sibling close in age to grow up with was ripped from him and it's not even his fault. He doesn't know any different, but I do. IF is a huge bitch and I hope she burns in hell.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Just hanging out.

Not much going on here. Our WTF appointment is on Wednesday. I assume it will be pretty straight forward.

RE: I'm so sorry. It really was a perfect cycle and a perfect embryo.
Us: Yeah. How much more money do we need to send your way? What are our odds?
RE: Oh, they're great.
Us: Liar.

Our odds of our fresh cycle working were 70%. Yeah. Lucky us, we fell into the 30% that fail. Go team! We'll just have to wait until we can save up more money to try again. We have a wedding to go to and can't do both. I'm pretty sure getting out of SIL's wedding isn't a choice.

On a fun note, when I find myself at a crossroads in life, I typically make some drastic change to myself. So, I decided to chop my hair. Ten inches are now gone and donated. This is the third time in my life I've chopped that much off and donated it. It's quite liberating and I love donating to a good cause. The hubs loves my new 'do', so that's a plus. I figured he freak out, but I look like I'm in my 20's again and I definitely don't mind that part!

The hubs' bday is this week. He's not really into celebrating his own birthday, so that makes it difficult. He never gives gift ideas and would rather stay home with the curtains closed so no one can find him rather than going to a nice bday dinner. He has to work on his birthday this year, so he'll be able to avoid it for awhile. But, I'm taking his butt out to dinner when he's off!

Alright, I'm really just rambling now, but I just wanted you to know I haven't fallen off the planet. I'm still here waiting for something else to happen...

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Rough Week

This week has been a special kind of sucky. First, a friend of Ayden's from school came over to play this week and told me their mom was expecting a baby boy. Nice. Stab in heart. There are circumstances in that family that make you go, "Well, another example of 'not fair'." Let's just say they aren't the most responsible people.

And then, a few days later, I took Ayden to the high school to get his football gear. We were both pretty confused, as we've never done this before. While waiting in one of the zillion lines we eventually waited in, and waiting on the hubs to get there, a very pregnant acquaintance got in line behind me. This girl is a friend of one of my good friends. I don't really know her that well. The only thing I do know is that she is pregnant with her 5th surprise pregnancy. So, I had to listen to her for a good 10 minutes about how lucky she is and how she wasn't happy at the start of the pregnancy, but then she thought of all the people, like me, she included, that couldn't have any more kids and decided to be happy. She wished that she could give all of her infertile friends a baby and blah, blah, blah. Seriously, this went on and on until finally my hubs and another friend rescued me from this hell.

This event has absolutely ruined the rest of my week. After our IVF, I didn't feel like a huge failure, although maybe I should have, because I knew we still had some frozen. But, boy did this conversation with insensitive preggo make me feel like a huge failure. I spent yesterday in a deep funk that finally ended in me crying my eyes out to my hubs before we went to bed. This morning started with me crying and snotting everywhere, again to the hubs, only for me to also realize, out of nowhere, I realized that today was the due date of the baby I miscarried. Great. I always wondered if we'd have had more babies by now if this date would still suck as badly. For me, it just quantifies what a failure I am. Not only can we not have anymore, the only pregnancy we did have (besides Ayden, of course) miscarried because of my stupid body.

I've been trying to be so positive with the adoption stuff going on and knowing that the FET could bring us our baby, but this week just sucked. I'm not sure how long it will take to get out of this funk, but I hope not too long. I'm running out of Kleenex.

Monday, July 22, 2013

We made it to the next step!!

We are one of the families to get an interview with the committee!! We can go in and speak for ourselves! We made it through step one!! Well, really this is step two. The first step was being selected by our worker to be presented at the meeting today. Hot darn!! God is good! The interviews will be conducted over the course of the next month or so. No decision will be made until the end-ish of October. I guess, in the long scheme of things, what's three more months? It sure seems like an eternity.


It is 9:39. The meeting has started. If I could only be a fly on the wall. All that stuff about being calm, yeah, it's gone today. I'm a nervous wreck to hear from our worker. It could be a few hours, so I'd better find something to keep myself busy this morning. Maybe I'll just eat my nerves away. I'll post an update as soon as I have one!

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Show Him you have Faith, don't tell him.

I've been addicted to Joel Os.teen on You lately. As I've mentioned in the past, I grew up Catholic and Ayden has been baptized into the Catholic church. However, I just don't connect with the church anymore. There are a lot of things that go on that I just can't agree with. The Catholic church's stance on infertility doesn't quite click with what I feel in my heart. Plus, how can a group of men decide what God wants for families to do when faced with infertility. Well, I don't feel it's up to them to decide. Besides, now that we've done IVF, I can't even go and receive communion until I confess my sin of IVF to a priest...Seeing as how I don't feel that a married, responsible, loving couple wanting children is a sin, that's never going to happen. I mean, when we were married, our deacon (my uncle) charged us to go and create many children. So, I'm just doing what I was told to do :)

Joel Os.teen has a mega church in Texas. His sermons are very positive and uplifting. I don't consider myself to be a 'religious' person per se, but I am full of Faith and I have a lot of trust in God and the miracles that he can perform in my life. So, last night, I was listening to one of his sermons about how to show God you're serious about your wants. The first thing that came to mind was that darn nursery room. We put off finishing that room for years, never really thinking we'd need it; not really believing that God could really give this horribly infertile couple what their hearts truly desire. However, after we decided to get that room done, a huge weight was lifted off my heart. I didn't realize it then, but now I see that rather than just telling God that I believe that he will bring us a child, I was showing him my faith through my actions.

Something I've always wanted to do for a child we'd adopt is create a book with pictures of us that show who we are and give a child a peek into their forever family. Last night, after watching that sermon, I thought to myself, "Just do it!" Okay, that's Nike. Whatever. But, ya know, I decided to just make it. And, then, this cheap skate woman even ordered a copy! The book is quite adorable if I do say so myself! I just keep envisioning this little guy's foster parents reading the book to him, helping him connect to us, creating a strong bond before we can bring him home. I put pictures of the three of us and the puppies. I made sure to put a serious picture and a silly picture of all of us to show our personality. Yes, this little guy is very young, but we read to Ayden way before this age and he caught on fast.

How's that for showing my faith. Plus, I'm so very hopeful. It's a weird, silent kind of hope. I feel in my heart that God knows what is good for our family. He knows what is good for this little guy. If this is His plan, He will work it all out. He'll give our worker the right words to say tomorrow and help the other workers feel in their heart that we are a good fit for him. If that's not God's plan, I can't change it. So, I'm okay with that, too. I can't say I won't be disappointed, but in the end, it will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Don't Worry! Be Happy!

I am a worrier. I think a lot of my worry comes in instances where I don't have control. I am also a control freak. I'm working on both. But, darn it. It's hard.

With Monday and the decisions that might be made in just two short days, it's hard to not email our worker and ask her a zillion questions or tell her a zillion things to tell the other workers so they think we're the right family, also. But, with this decision, I realize that none of that will help. It might annoy her and that's the opposite thing I want to do! I trust that she really believes that we are a good fit for the little guy and will do her best to speak out for us. That's all she can do. That's all the control she can have in the situation.

Rather than worry and trying to control the situation, I've done a lot of praying and putting my faith and trust in God that He will help bring this child to the right family. Of course, somewhere in my prayers I usually let Him know that I really think we're the perfect family...I'm not sure if that's counter-productive or not!

I've done a little research on toddler adoption and the changes that it would bring to our family. One thing I didn't come across in my research, but realized as I woke up after sleeping in this morning is that sleeping in, may be a thing of the past. As much as I love my sleep, I sure wouldn't mind being needed early in the morning to take care of a little person again! Ayden is pretty self-sufficient these days and, while it has its benefits, it's still nice when he needs our help!

I'm planning on spending the weekend staying busy so Monday comes quickly...maybe I clean or do laundry or shop...

Friday, July 19, 2013

Endo relief by electrocution?

I'm not sure how much I've posted about endo on my blog. Probably, it's been quite often because it's just a part of who I am. I was used to being in pain ALL day long 24/7. This isn't, "Ouch, I stubbed my toe," pain. It's the kind of pain that can only be relieved with prescription pain killers. It's a sad thing really. One, you feel guilty when you need to ask your doctor for pain killers, at least I do. I feel like I just need to suck it up. Plus, I HATE calling the doctor's office to ask because I always talk to one of the nurses who makes me feel like a drug addict. So, this results in me waiting WAY too long to call and living with pain that isn't even close to normal.

After my surgery last August and being put on continuous bc pills, I was in ZERO pain! It was amazing. However, after my IVF failure and not having our follow-up with our RE for a few weeks, the pain is back. It's so horrible. Often, I wonder if this is how bad it really was all the time before surgery. In my head, I know it was or I wouldn't have ended up on the operating table. But, it's just hard to believe that I actually lived like this day in and day out. No wonder I missed so much work, which I also HATED to do. Last year, I missed NO days of work for endo pain for the first time ever. It was amazing!

I'm just trying to get through, day by day, until our WTF appointment in two weeks to see if our RE will put me back on bc pills or something because I can absolutely not keep living like this, not after living pain-free for almost a year. I wake up in the morning at a 7 on a pain scale of 1-10 and it only goes downhill from there, with me ending up on the couch by the end of the evening. Seriously, how the hell did I do this for all of those years?? It really should be a crime that there isn't more research going into curing this awful disease. It truly is a life ruining disease.

As I was trying to get around this morning, I remembered that the hubs had borrowed a TENS unit from a friend for some back issues he was having a couple of months ago. If you don't know, a TENS unit is a little battery powered device with 2-4 pads that you stick on your skin over areas that hurt. The travel ones like this are made to help with chronic pain. Then, you turn the buttons until the electric pulses feel "good"?? The buttons range from a scale of 1-10. I figured it couldn't hurt to try, so I attached the little pads over my ovaries...

Honestly, the only thing I could think about is that I just put these pads over my ovaries and how I know the hubs friend would probably FREAK out if he knew these were even anywhere near some one's lady made me laugh!

Then, I turned the knobs...At about a 6, it felt like someone kept snapping my skin with a rubber band...but, it felt therapeutic. I'm not really sure how to explain it. After the first 30 minutes, the device turned off and OH MY GOODNESS! My lower back pain was gone. I'm not sure I can explain how exactly electrocuting my ovaries made my back stop hurting, other than I know it's all connected in there and when my endo is flaring up, my lower back kills me. Even though I know it's only supposed to run for 30 minutes, I looked on Dr. and he said that for chronic pain, it can be run for hours at a time. Since my ovaries were still hurting, I turned it up for another  round of rubber band snapping. I promise, I have no idea how it works, nor do I really care, but I went from a 7 on the pain scale to a 1 after the second 30 minutes. Where has this thing been all my life???

While I was searching DR., I did see that women with endo who are forced to use pain killers to manage their daily lives find a lot of help from these. So, I will definitely talk to my RE about getting a prescription for one when we go back in. For now, I'll just have to keep putting another man's TENS unit pads over my ovaries!

This is a game changer! The TENS unit has a little clip to clip on your pants or it can fit in your pocket. I can just put it on and wear it around work. Sweet heavens! My liver will be soooo very happy!!

So, endo ladies, I highly suggest that you get your hands on one of these little buggers! I read that you can rent them, but I'm not sure where you'd do this. I really love it enough to just buy one. They are pricy and you need a prescription from you doctor, but it's so very worth it!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Sinking in

The results from yesterday's doctor appointment are still sinking in. One minute, I'm pissed that I had to compromise my cervix by having some of it cut off during the cone biopsy, which wasn't even necessary. In the next minute, I'm just relieved that the entire nightmare is over.

My dad is ready to go find the doctor and sue him or hurt him...I'm sure he won't do either, but he is ticked. I think, of everyone, he's more upset than the rest of us. I am a Daddy's little girl and someone, "chopped away at me for no reason," in his words. He is livid. I couldn't even talk any sense into him. He was trying to talk me into getting an attorney last night. Uh, no. I think there's enough going on right now. But, I just had to "agree" that I'd look into it, which I won't. My mom was relieved and feels similar to how I feel. Life is full of mistakes and lessons. I just happen to be in the middle of a really, really odd mistake and lesson.

I was researching last night and found that CIN 1 (dysplasia of the cervix) clears itself in 90% of cases. The correct treatment is yearly paps to keep an eye on it, which I already do. For the other 10%, the dysplasia turns into CIN2 or CIN 3 (stage 0 cancer and where my gyno and oncologist said I was) or invasive cancer if not treated. For sanity sake, I will just pretend that I would have been in the 10% category and now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I tried to explain this to my dad, but he wasn't having any of it! Sweet heavens! I am lucky to have someone like him looking out for me for sure!

On the adoption front, Monday is getting closer. I hate, hate, hate wishing my Summer away, and I feel that's all I've done this year between IVF and adoption. However, I am very excited to hear what our case worker has to say after the meeting on Monday. She promised she'd call as soon as it was over. I keep looking at his little picture that she emailed us and, darn it, he's adorable and I'm just head over heals. It could be a scary place if I let it because this isn't 100%. However, I have to have hope and faith that God will bring this little guy into our family and bless us. It is scary. Our entire lives will change. But, it's an exciting kind of change and we're so very ready!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Cancer follow-up

I never had cancer. Yep. You read that right. I was shocked, too. How, oh how is this possible, you ask? I asked the same I'll start from the beginning.

A couple of days ago, when the oncologist's office called to remind me of my upcoming appointment, they gave a doctor's name that I hadn't heard of before. It wasn't with our original doctor, but it's a big practice, so I just figured I was seeing whoever was available.

When the new doctor walked in the exam room, she introduced herself and said she was taking all of the other doctor's patients...odd thing number one. Then, she said that I really don't need this follow up because I the biopsy only showed CIN 1...WTF?! I asked her a zillion times, "I only had CIN 1??" She probably got tired of answering that question. Quite frankly, I didn't even need the cone biopsy. Often, CIN 1 heals itself and many women never even know they had it. I don't need a pap until December and can just go to my regular gyno. WTF?!

My first thought: OH MY GOODNESS! I NEVER EVEN HAD CANCER! I was elated!! I was so giddy that I couldn't even think of questions to ask her, even though I had a zillion running through my head.

First, why did the original oncologist, during my pre-op, say that he was VERY concerned with what he saw and was sure it was very serious and needed a cone biopsy? Second, why, when we went for the biopsy results, were we not told it was only CIN 1? Honestly, at the appointment when we heard the results of the biopsy, I was so relieved that he said my margins were clear and they got everything, that I didn't even think to ask the grade that was found, especially since we were already told it was Stage 0 based on the punch biopsy.

Right now, I'm going back and forth from HUGE relief to pissed. I'm so very relieved that I don't have to worry about this horrible disease anymore. I'm pissed because of the worry and stress that it caused. My friends and family were a mess, also. So, I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. I am considering at least calling the office back to ask my questions because I at least deserve answers to those. The hubs is pisssed and honestly, that's putting it mildly. He wants to sue them. I just want to let it be water under the bridge. I want to get my answers from the office and move on. Clearly, the old doctor is no longer working there, so that problem was taken care of. Taking him to court is only going to bring me more stress and cost tons of money. Plus, I'm so very relieved that I can now move on with my life without this huge stress always weighing me down. Life has a way of working itself out and I really believe in karma...he'll get what's coming to him. I, on the other hand, almost feel blessed. Because of that darn fake diagnosis, I learned to appreciate every single minute in my life, both the good and the bad. I learned that I have many more people that care about me than I ever could have imagined. This newest issue proves to me that no one is perfect. Do I think the doctor did this on purpose? No. I really don't. If he did, shame on him. Perhaps, he wasn't as qualified as we were led to believe.

So, today, I got the best gift ever. I learned that I am not a cancer survivor and I couldn't be happier! God has a mysterious way of teaching lessons...He never ceases to amaze me!

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Good for another year!

Our meeting went great! This is the 4th time we've done one of these meetings. Last year was a complete redo, which is a pain in the butt! We're glad that this year we only have to get a couple of papers together and not do the fire inspection, etc.  However, that doesn't mean we cleaned any less, including in weird place where she'll never even look. Basically, for the update, she walks through the house, checks out where the child will sleep, and that's it. Although, this year, she actually walked into the nursery room where in the past, she just peeks in. She wanted to be sure she was able to tell the other workers at the meeting next week that we already have a place ready for this toddler to sleep.

After she was done updating our paperwork, I began asking a zillion questions about the baby (who will be a toddler when all is said and done) and how the process will work. Basically, THIS MONDAY, the three case workers who deal with adoption will bring two of their families' home studies to a matching conference. The workers and the child's CASA worker will review all of the home studies and narrow it down to 2-3 families. In rare cases, they could just pick one, but our worker thinks that the child's worker will want to 2-3. Then, those 2-3 families will be interviewed by the foster/adopt supervisor, the CASA worker, and the child's case worker. The child's worker has 90 days from this Monday to make a final decision. So, by the end of October, we'll know. Nerve wracking? A little. But, I just have to pray that God will put His hand in this and this little child is supposed to be our baby. Patience isn't my thing, but I better figure it out or it'll be a LONG three months!

Our worker said that "if" she was able to rank the families being presented, we'd be at the top. Now, she didn't have to say this, but she did. So, I'm led to believe that she really believes it. She said, of the families, we've been waiting the longest and our schedules allow for a new child easier than her other family. So, of course, I talked us up a bit, and she promised to keep us in the loop. Then, meeting number four was over. In total, it lasted 40 minutes. I wanted to keep her here to continue talking about our family and why we'd be perfect, but I have to trust that she has our best interest at heart, as well as the child's, and she will do her best to speak for us. She said on Monday, after the meeting, she'll call us and let us know how things went. She thinks she'll have a pretty good idea of who will be selected from the meeting on Monday.

So, Chad and I made the decision to put the FET off until we see this through. We just have to. This child deserves our full attention and our embryos aren't going anywhere! I can't fathom going through the FET, it being successful, and trying to get to know a new toddler all at the same time. It's not fair to anyone involved. Plus, I really, really, really don't want to be pregnant when we go to my sister-in-laws wedding this October. I would be anxious about something happening and being so far away from our doctor. If we are selected, then we'll definitely put it off even longer.

So, for our attempt at expanding our family everything is up in the air, right where I dislike it, but oddly, I'm more relaxed about this then I've been about anything before. I truly believe that God has brought us through all of this to bring us here, right where we're supposed to be, but never where I thought we'd be. Life is funny like that.

Monday, July 15, 2013

And, Cancer reminder

Just when you forget about cancer, you get a phone call from the oncologist's office reminding you of your follow up appointment on Wednesday. Sweet heavens, will it ever end?! I will go every 6 months for two years, but I just happened to forget about this one with IVF going on and all. Plus, when we told our oncologist about our upcoming IVF, he said that if it worked, we could just skip our follow up. Of course, that made me nervous at the time and honestly, I was a little nervous about getting pregnant and not knowing how things were going inside. So, I guess now I'll know...sometimes it's easier to play dumb, not smarter, just easier.

We're seeing the female doctor in the practice and she was so very kind. I think she is a PA, but she had wonderful bedside manner, so I really liked her. The hubs doesn't remember her. When I questioned him about it, since she was the one who gave us the results from the cone biopsy, he said he blocked most of that out. Yep, it was that horrible.

I feel great, so hopefully that's a good sign. But, there really aren't a lot of symptoms with the cancer I had, especially since we caught it so early. But, I did feel sick. I can't really explain it, but I just felt like something wasn't right. So, hopefully my feelings now will confirm that everything is going well in there. And, at least I'll know and can relax about it when we do our FET. God's plan. Yep.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Need a routine!

This IVF has gotten me so out of a routine it isn't even a little cute. Normally, I exercise most days and eat great in the Summer. I haven't exercised once all Summer or eaten decently. I almost wonder if that's why my endo has been flaring up so much this last week. Even with AF gone, I'm still in pain. I think my ovaries are still swollen from the stims, but this is an endo kind of pain. I can definitely tell that my left ovary is stuck to my abdomen wall again. Poo.

I definitely need to get my diet back under control. I'll start tomorrow. I have to either do that or get back on bcp. I might need to do that anyway, but eating better never hurt anyone. No more potato chips. Darn. I love them. A lot. Tomorrow we'll start with no dairy (easy because I can't eat it anytime) and no sugar. No wheat. This one really helps me feel better pretty fast. I don't digest wheat very well and I bloat up like a balloon when I eat it.

If nothing else, I'll hopefully feel better after a couple of weeks of this. Hopefully, I'll feel great by the time we do our FET, also. That's the plan anyway.

This week should be pretty laid back. We just have our home study update on Tuesday. I'll definitely pick our case worker's brain about this adoption situation and see what her take is on the whole thing. I wonder how many people have submitted home studies already?? No matter what, I just have to put this all in God's hands and know that he knows His plan for our family and I just have to be okay with that. For the most part, I am okay with it. Whatever happens in the end, I have to be okay with it because I really don't have much say in the whole thing! What will be, will be!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Room is done!

With the exception of hanging the curtain rod, the room is done! Holy cuteness! Now, if we only get to fill it with a little bundle soon. Oddly enough, last night, I showed DH the room and he just grinned. Even though we'd both been putting it off for so long, it's neat to see it done. I have gone in there multiple times and just stared at the crib, wondering and dreaming.

Oh, speaking of dreams, last night I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed that I was pregnant and we had a little girl. But, something was wrong with her. (Ok. That's not the wonderful part.) We weren't allowed to see her right away. Quite some time later, the hubs and I were in a waiting room of sorts and the nurse came carrying this little girl, dressed in blue and purple (Clearly, I did not pick out this outfit!), but she was carrying her way out in front of her under her armpits. So weird. The baby was screaming and crying, as any baby would do if he/she were being carried like this, and the nurse said, "I think she just needs her mommy." When she handed her to me, it seemed so freaking real. She was beautiful, obviously :) She just cuddled up with me and stopped crying. Then, I woke up. With a horrible headache. Nice. I think that was enough baby fun and dreaming for a little bit.

Now, Ayden wants to redo his bedroom. He loves the Celtics and wants a green and white bedroom. He has a really cool idea for one wall to be green with a white stripe and the rest to be white with a green stripe. Heavens knows I'm an idiot for putting white walls in a little boys bedroom, but it will look nice and it's just paint. It can be covered up if it needs to redone. So, that's our next house project. This house if FULL of freaking projects! Our next house will need ZERO work. ZERO!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Shopping Success!

Mattress purchased! Crib sheet purchased! Crib blanket purchased! Curtains and curtain rod purchased! It felt really weird. I prayed that I didn't see anyone I knew while I was at the store. How would I explain that? Now that we've gotten everything home without being noticed, it's time to put it together...oh boy! I am a little excited about that... Not gonna lie.

Doing all of this makes me want to get back into the FET like, now. Rut ro! That isn't the plan, but darn it, it's tempting. But, what if we're chosen for the adoption of the toddler? Then, we could possibly be pregnant and have a toddler...hummm? I'm good with it, but the hubs, I'm positive he'd freak out! Big time! Not having the cash to do FET right now helps make the decision a little easier for sure.

Surprise! We're pregnant!

No. Not us. But, seriously, three people I know have recently announced their 'surprise' pregnancies in the last week on FB. How, at our age, can you not understand how that all works? Seriously? If you are having sex and you ovulate and you really are done with having kids, you can do it. It's possible. So, just a warning to the 4th person who decides to announce a 'surprise' pregnancy on FB this week...stop having sex around the time you ovulate!!

The plan is to shop today. I'm still feeling really weird about it, which isn't why I've put it off. Ayden is still sleeping. It's 11am. Oh, to be a kid again. Who am I kidding? I just woke up about 30 minutes ago! We were freaking busy yesterday people, don't judge! Ayden, for the first time, beat me in a basketball game of "HORSE" last night. I don't let him win, you say? Hell no! I don't like to lose and I'm not just gonna let the kid beat me! I do did take it easy on him for the first game, which he lost. Then, my old tiredness took over and he kicked my butt! I'm so proud! He is really getting good. The hubs and Ayden also threw the football a couple of different times yesterday. The first time, I tried joining in. Bad idea. It just added a lot of girl screaming and whining to their manly game. So, the second time, I just watched from the porch. Again, Ayden is getting pretty good. They were running plays in the front yard which was too funny. The hubs is living out his childhood again! After all that fun and entertainment, I'm not surprised that everyone slept in, except the hubs who had to go to work. Poor guy! He hates the Summer because watching us sleep in while he gets up to work, well, it must suck!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Room is ready!

We spent the day catching up on everything we should have done over the last month, but we put off because we were a little busy with IVF.

Yard work, check. Blah. I hate doing yard work. With a passion. We already pay local kids to mow our yard because we don't like doing that either. I hate pulling weeds. All of my flowers are dead, but that's typical for July. I usually lose interest in my flowers by mid-June. I just don't see the point. Yeah, lazy, I hear ya. I like looking at other people's flowers, but I just don't enjoy growing my own. And, if I'm trying to make myself happy, well, gardening and flowers aren't my thing.

Cleaning up nursery room, check! That was a little more involved than I expected it to be. Ayden has been throwing toys in there that he is done with. So, we had to go through those, as well as move furniture. Then, I decided to paint the trim at the last minute. Seriously, that was an all day job. But, now that it's done, it feels sooooo good! It's something we've been putting off because we weren't quite sure about getting a room ready for a baby that isn't even here or on the way. Clearly, not getting the room ready was more of a jinx then getting it ready. So, whatever happens, the room is done and looks adorable.

Tomorrow, I need to buy a mattress for the crib and bedding. I can't even tell you how weird it feels doing that when there isn't even a baby here yet. I feel like a fake. But, our case worker needs to see where a toddler will sleep, so I need to do it for that reason. It still feels weird. Now, I will tell you that the bedding I'll buy tomorrow is only "fill in" bedding. The real stuff I want is a little more expensive than I want to spend just to show my case worker. Once I'm either pregnant or we're approved, then we'll drop the big bucks for what we really want.

However, going through the room today, I realized how little we really have for a baby or toddler. We have some of Ayden's old toys, books, and Thomas trains. But, that's it. I guess it's hard to know what else to get right now, so hopefully a bed is all she'll be looking for on Tuesday. I'll ask her more about what we need to have at our meeting. Between either this placement or our 3 embies, someone will use this stuff, right?!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

When will this be over?!

I've had actual AF cramps since Saturday. AF didn't actually start until yesterday (Tuesday) and then the real cramps started. Holy heavens. I ended up calling my RE yesterday and they said to try the Xanax I had left from my IVF cycle because it relaxes muscles. Well, it put me to sleep, but by 6am this morning, I'd had it. I put another call into my RE's office as soon as they opened this morning, but didn't hear back until 1pm. I seriously took more ibuprofen 800 and tyelnol than anyone should ever take in a month. If my liver survives, I'll be lucky. Although, it's certainly not the first time I've needed to do this!

I'm lucky enough that my RE is the one who did my last endo surgery, so he saw how messed up things were in there. Organs were stuck to each other, endo was everywhere and what was on my bowels, he couldn't get and is still there, which brings a pain I can't even begin to describe! I'll need to go to a specialist to have that removed. But, they were very happy to call in something stronger for me today. It was either that or I'd perform my own hysterectomy. After two Tylenol 3's and a heating pad, I'm starting to get some relief. I seriously wouldn't wish endo on my worst enemy. The worst part is that, for me, now that it's on other places than just my reproductive organs, having a hysterectomy won't "cure" it. For my bowels, I'll need to have a specialist remove the parts of my bowel that have the endo growths and stitch the ends back together. Sounds lovely, huh? I will definitely go to Atlanta for that surgery, but I can put that off for years. I hope. Knowing that the bcp, Aygestin, helped tremendously, I can just get back on that when this is all finished. I wouldn't wish endo on my worst enemy! It is truly debilitating. I was actually thinking today, that if today were a work day, I'd have needed to call off work. Last school year, I was on bcp continuously and this was never an issue. Our WTF appointment is in a couple of weeks, so depending on our plan, I'll need to definitely consider this so I feel okay during the school year.

Nothing else is really going on. I planned on cleaning out the upstairs extra bedroom, but I felt so horrible as the day went on yesterday, I decided I'd work on it today...well, I feel worse today. Our case worker is coming next week, so we have time. It's not horrible, it just needs picked up. I did have to explain to Ayden that just because we were getting the room ready, that it didn't mean we were getting matched or having a baby. We are keeping everything a secret from him because it's just too much for a 10 year old to understand, especially when all he wants is to be a big brother. We just told him that our case worker is coming next week and we need to get the room ready for her visit, which means putting a crib in the room...his response, "A crib?" Yeah, he's more interested in an older child adoption. It's like built in playmates. What he doesn't understand is that we tried that route for a VERY long time. We have to be very careful what we bring into our home. Many of the kids we've been presented with act out sexually on others, burn houses down, abuse animals, etc. As an adult, I understand why kids who have had such a terrible life would act out in such ways. However, with Ayden here, we can't bring those behaviors into our home.

What he also doesn't understand is that this is an adult decision, not a kid decision! He often thinks he's an adult because it's just the three of us and we just all hang out together. We do have to remind him, more often lately, that he's still a kid! So, he'll just need to trust that we, the adults of the family, will be making the best decision for our family. No matter what, he'll be the best big brother, ever!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Well, geez! Cue Freak Out!

I just heard from our case worker again...our yearly update is due this week. She usually does this each year; waits until the week it's due, thinking we'll have no trouble running around getting all of the documents updated. This year is just an update, not a redo of the homestudy. This is much easier. Dogs need shot updates, which they have, we just need to run to the vet and get the documentation. We need proof of home and car insurance and copies of our licenses. Not a big deal. However, then she dropped the big one on us.

You see, we do have a nursery room. But, under no circumstances is it ready and waiting. We always thought that would be jinxing us. But, according to her, she needs to see where the "toddler", as she called him, because by the time this is all said and done, that's what he'll be, will be sleeping so she can let them know at the matching meeting that we already have a place ready. God bless America. Can you say, cue freak out?!  We still have Ayden's crib. It needs a new mattress because, in my opinion, a 10 year old mattress has to be gross. Ummmm, yeah. That's all we have. And, actually, I'll bet his crib isn't "legal"'s a drop side and I'm pretty sure it can't be used. Ok. Recue freak out. We have NOTHING! You hear me! Nothing!

For someone who's avoided buying all things baby, this idea of needing to go shopping has me nervous. And, I LOVE to shop. I wish I could just tell our case worker, "Look. Once we're chosen, we'll shop and stock up on all things baby. Until then, can't you just trust us that we'll do it?" I'm pretty sure that's not how it works...but I'll try. I mean, what if we get that room ready and then we're not picked? I guess then it's ready for our totsicles. But, what if it jinxes them, too.

Okay. Remember: Not.your.plan. Trust that God has your back. Clearly, keeping the room un-ready hasn't worked very well over the last 9 years, so maybe this will help. I guess we'll find out!

That being said, what the heck do you buy for a baby/toddler room? Ayden is 10. Back then, kids just sat up when they were ready.  No Bumbo seat to force them to sit up. Back then, they slept in drop side more. Back then, well, you get it. I don't even have a high chair anymore. Funny story. We heard somewhere that if you get rid of all of your baby stuff, you'd get pregnant right away. That was six years ago or so. Just FYI, it's not true. Basically, getting rid of all of your baby stuff lands you where we are now: needing baby stuff, but having NOTHING! Okay. I'm okay. I am heading up to start clean up on that room, which I typically avoid going into at all costs, mind you. Wish me luck! Oh, Lord please, please, please, please let this be it.

This isn't a dream!

I already pinched myself to check. Now, what I'm about to tell you is in the very early stages. As in, so early, it could still go either way. But, I need to write about it. This potential little one needs to know that from the moment I heard of his existance, my heart filled with love for him and he was wanted. Truly, I want the best for him and whatever the decision, I pray it is what is in the best interest for this little boy.

This morning, I was upstairs getting ready and heard the land line ring. Typically, no one of importance calls it, so I ignored it, thinking that if it were really important, they'd have called my cell. Not long after, my phone notified me of an email. This email made my heart sing. I read it and reread it. It was from our case worker. God bless her for being patient with us for all of these years while we look for the perfect placement. I gave the phone to my husband so he could read the email. Usually, he'll say, "Nope, not for us." But, not this time. He said, "Wow. Let's do it!" Basically, without giving out too much info, there is a little boy, less than one year old, that needs an adoptive placement. He is perfect. For reasons I won't get into, his foster parents can't adopt him and it really is sad because they want to.

In the meeting where this child was being discussed, our worker said she instantly thought of us. She screamed, "I have a family!! I have a family that's waiting!!" But, it doesn't work like that, we all know that. However, our homestudy will be presented at the matching meeting with all of the other families that will show interest. Please know that because of the child's age, there will be a lot of families that will want to be considered. Our case worker said we have a LOT going for us. Of course, I happen to agree...but will the people in the matching meeting agree? I pray that they do. After the meeting, the families being considered will be narrowed down and then they'll be interviewed by the committee. The matching meeting is at the end of this month. But, because of other things, it will be about 90 days before a final decision is made. It will be the longest 90 days ever...

How do you share with a committee that the love you have been building up for a child you've never met is enough to be selected? We've been trying to expand our family for 9 years. Five of those, we've been waiting to adopt. In those years, my heart has already expanded, made room for, and filled with love for many children we hope to bring into our family. Our worker said that our stable jobs, both working with children, puts us in a good position. That is important to the case workers. But, what kid cares what job their parents have? Not many. All we can do, is be ourselves, show them who we are in our souls and pray, pray, pray like mad that this is what we've been waiting for. I can't even believe this is happening right now!

After taking 9 years to finally get up the guts to do IVF, we finally are being considered for adoption. What a month this has been. When God closes one door, he sure does open another. Even if this isn't the right placement and we aren't selected, I hope the committee gives this little guy the best family he could ever ask for.

So, we have 3 embies waiting on us and we're waiting on the decision about one little boy. Wow. Please pray that the committee makes a good decision. I'm definitely praying that we are the right family for this little boy. Oh, please, please, please let this be it! We'll know in a short 90 days...

Monday, July 8, 2013

Sometimes, we forget.

Good thing, because often, we feel so alone in this world of IF. I am strong. Usually. But, lately, I feel like I'm not as strong as I need to be. Discouraged, yep. I've been there lately. After having this weekend to think about where I am with my IF journey, I've realized that it's a good thing AF didn't show up right away. I would have made rushed decisions to start again before I know I should. It helps that we need to stock pile our bank account again! So, I'll spend this next month, finding my strength to carry on and growing my own faith that God really does have a plan. I'm a planner. I'm a control freak. Maybe that's my lesson in all of this. Just.let.go. Don' God has me waiting because what he has in store for me is so much better than I could have ever planned for myself. I just know it is. Note to self: Mandy, Just.Let.Go!

Yes, I have another quote, which I found on a PTSD website. But, not only does it apply to people with PTSD, but IF peeps, too. No matter what, by the time our next baby is here, my 'baby' will be 11...I will have endured a decade with many bad days. But, I've made it through each day. I'm still here. I'm still fighting. God forgot to put the "give up" gene in my DNA.

And, because I love this man, I thought I'd include a picture from our mini-vacation last year. We were visiting one of the hubs' battle buddies from when he was in Iraq. We stayed at a hotel that had great reviews online and amazing pictures...never believe what you read online. Ever. There were beer bottles in the bushes by the "family friendly" pool and our first room looked it had just been involved in a murder scene. Our gut instinct was to go to another hotel, but we were tired. They moved us to a better room, but I never slept well after seeing that first room...can you say CSI?! We went to a zoo we'd never visited, ate at super yummy resturants, and went to an amazing aquarium. The pictures from that trip are some of my favorite family pictures. We were relaxed and smiley. A lot. With IF and PTSD, that doesn't happen often. So, we cherish those moments!

So, to all of you out there reading this, whether your particularly religious or not, in our worst moments, let's all remember, we are not alone. There is a plan. It would be much more relaxing and reassuring if we knew what it was, but that would be like ruining a surprise party, right? Oh, that's right, I hate surprises. This will be challenging! 

Still no AF...

And, it's a mind f***, too. I have actually thought to myself, "Maybe they were wrong...maybe they gave me the wrong results...maybe I really am pregnant...maybe that's implantation spotting." Seriously. IF makes you absolutely insane. Now, I know that the odds of this are zilch. But, just sharing that I've clearly have gone crazy.

To make myself feel better and get my house clear of all of the negative IVF feelings, I have cleaned the shit out of this house. I started yesterday. Yesterday, was just a warning to the dust and dirt. Today, there is not one ounce of dust that might have been here during my IVF. It's all gone. Out with the bad, in with the good. And, boys are gross. I'll just leave it at that.

My favorite part of my cleaning rampage today was when the hubs pulled a wookie out of the tub drain :) I have long hair and, ya know, the drain gets slow every-so-often...this one was a massive clump of wet, blond, icky hair. It really made me want to get my hair cut off, but that always ends in tears and regret. The last time I was in tears, well, I drank, ONE drink, and we all saw how that ended.

So, here I sit with not much to update on because I'm still waiting on AF. Maybe I'll take an hpt...that's what made AF come in all my other cycles!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Cramps. Sweet heavens. The cramps.

If you have endo, you'll understand this following post. If you just get cramps, don't say, "Oh gosh, I get cramps. They're horrible." Your cramps aren't horrible. If you can take meds and your cramps to away or even dull them, you are golden. We endo sufferers have a cramp like no other. It's a cramp that defies the laws of medicine. There is nothing, other than narcotics, that can kill these cramps. Well, I'm there folks. I have ZERO narcotics because I haven't had regular periods since last August. My one before my IVF cycle wasn't horrible for an endo period.

I haven't even started AF yet and the cramps are pulling my uterus out of my v. Seriously, I feel it falling out. Two 800 mg ibuprofen and Midol are all I have on board. Heating pad is in full force. This is gonna be a long couple of days. But, I have done it before and I'll get through this one, too. Endo sucks!

Okay, I did promise that I'd make my posts 1/2 not complaining. So, for today's attempt at light heartedness, let me brag about my baby boy. He is simply amazing. He is one of the sweetest kids I know. He's an old soul, for sure. He also has my sense of humor, which can be scary at times. Yesterday, we went to see Despicable Me 2. As I'm cracking up at the adult humor that was thrown in to keep us old folks entertained, I noticed that Ayden was laughing right along with me. Oh no. This might be bad! Unfortunately, the power went out 30 minutes into the movie. We were given passes to come back. That would be our luck this weekend.

But, he took it all in stride. He wasn't to upset. Instead, he decided we should just come home and hang out. When we came home, I went to go clean up the kitchen and came back to the living room to see Ayden sitting in his favorite spot on the couch, reading a book. Now, as a teacher, I know this most likely won't last long. Boys tend to give up reading for fun sometime in middle school when they get the idea from their friends that reading isn't cool. I've seen it happen hundreds of times over my 12 years of teaching middle school. My little boy is almost there :( But, for now, I encourage the crap out of it. If he sees a book he wants to read, we get it for him.

He is also growing out of toys. It's a little odd and I didn't know it happened this early. I kind of blame it on him not having other kids in our home to play with. He has grown up quickly because he's around adults all the time. It's not a bad thing, just different. And, it sure makes buying birthday and Christmas gifts difficult! I have NO idea what he'll ask Santa for this year. Oh geez. Please tell me I still have at least another year of Santa...I will be heart broken when that's over! I'm not gonna lie, I'll still play it out like he exists. Honestly, I still believe in the magic of Santa.

So, because he isn't into toys, he plays sports. He loves basketball, tolerates baseball, and is being forced by his dad to play football this year. We live in a small town. Very small. In a small town, boys play football, according to the hubs. I don't really get it myself. I grew up in the city and not everyone played football. I'm not one for forcing Ayden to do things he really doesn't want to do, but I did kind of do that with basketball last year. He really, really didn't want to play. He doesn't like trying new things because he's a perfectionist and if he isn't quite sure he'll be perfect at something, he'd rather sit it out. But, I didn't want him sitting around all winter. Well, wouldn't you know it. He LOVES basketball now and wants to be a professional NBA player. While I realize that most boys want to be a professional ball player of some kind during some point in their childhood, I'd never crush his dreams. Although, he was shocked when he learned that he couldn't just play basketball in college and has to take actual classes. Wow. For a smart little bugger, he sure missed something there! So, based on his basketball experience, I wonder if he'll have the same response to football. We promised him that he only needs to try it for one year and if he hates it, he never has to play it again. For now, he's okay with it. I'll keep you updated!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Wow, how depressing.

To all my readers,

I just went back and reread all of my posts from my IVF cycle so I could get a fresh, fertility drug free, view on how the cycle went. Wow. There really wasn't one post where I wasn't negative at some point. I'm usually not like that at all. I do use this blog to vent about things that I can't vent to others about, but I also hope that my soon-to-be child will read this some day. I don't want him/her to think it was a drag to get him/her here. Nor do I want all of you to think I'm  such a whiny biotch. Really, I'm not. I'm actually quite the opposite. And, I like to say, I'm rather funny. My kids at school happen to agree.

So, I promise that my posts from here on out will be at least 50% positive and humorous. Then, you won't leave my online world sad and deflated, yourselves. So, I'll start with describing my liquid lunch yesterday. Perhaps, many of you will find this post offensive...well, then I say, you need to find more fun in your life. Or, go through IVF and realize that you need to get the burr out of your ass and enjoy the little things!

So, seriously thinking I'd just have one beer with my salad, the hubs, Ayden, and I headed to lunch yesterday. It was already 3pm by the time I'd cried my eyes out and I also hadn't eaten one single thing.

Note to self: Never wait until 3pm, not eat, and drink one drink with child in tow.

Let me explain that I am NOT a big drinker. College, different story. Now, I'd rather not drink my calories. I'm vain like that. But, yesterday, the plan was to only drink my calories. So, I ordered my salad and then, I saw a watermelon sangria on the drink menu...well, I think I shall, I said to my unstable self.

Note to self: Never listen to your unstable self again. Let someone else be your voice of reason. Also, stick to beer. It's what you know.

Let me tell you, it was horrible. It was zero parts watermelon/peach, as the drink explanation said, and all parts some strong, and by strong I mean you could get drunk by just sniffing it, which was just what I figured I needed. I grinned and pretended I enjoyed the first 1/4 of my But, then all of a sudden, the music playing over the loud speaker became very entertaining and, because we had an AWESOME server who kept singing along to the music, I started singing along. Loudly. Luckily, we were the only people in the restaurant. So, I just let loose. "Ya, gotta keep your head up. Woah, oh" Yep. The song was speaking to us. Oh, my company was enjoying my performance. So, I kept drinking. 1/2 gone. Couldn't even taste it anymore. Kept singing. Here's where things get blurry. The hubs said the drink was now gone. The server took my salad. I wasn't anywhere near done eating it, but since I hadn't touched it in quite some time, it was logical to assume I was done. Not much food in the belly. All alcohol in a body that hasn't had one single drop in months...

(I say all of this to lead up to a very important point. I actually am a good mother. I do NOT swear in front of my kid. Ever. That's horrible and I actually judge people who do this. I promise. My kid is well rounded. He's an athlete and seriously smart. Much smarter then I ever was. He also has a great sense of humor. Thank goodness. Because what I did next will probably be thrown in my face for many years to come. Some day I'll explain. I'll say, "But, honey, I was just trying to help our family grow. I had just finished our first IVF and it failed. We spent enough money on that one cycle that would have sent all 3 of us to Disney 3x's...but I did it for us. Since it failed, I had a drink. ONE DRINK. Okay, honey? Really, I'm not a bad mom!" I seriously do not remember the following events. They could even be made up. My boys would do this to me. Let's pray that's what's happening now. Although, the thought of it makes me laugh hysterically. And, remember, I know funny. Just ask my kiddos!)

As told by my boys: So, I'm singing. The singing is getting louder. There are now other patrons eating. Ayden is mortified and "shushhhing" me. I laugh it off. Burp really loud, look at the hubs and say, "Ya know, these songs are sooooooo right! Sometimes, life shits on your face. Keep that head up!" It sounds like something I'd have said in my college days. Okay, I'd even say it if Ayden wasn't around.

Ayden found it hilarious. Great. I hope he writes about that in his journal at school next year. It will be titled, "The day my mom became a swearing, drunk, Walmart mom." Just an FYI: I hate Walmart. Then, our server came over and was telling me that I could get the watermelon sangria in pitchers for only $10 on Wednesday

For some reason, the hubs thought it was a good idea to drag me to the grocery store after this. AND, I was in charge of the cart. Really, whose bright idea was that? I ran into lots of things. Told off a lady who cut me off with very crazy arm and hand gestures (no middle fingers. Just flailing appendages).

Anyone out there need any blueberries? I bought more than I can consume in two months. Potatoes? Ziploc baggies? Well, if you need any, you know where to come.

I headed to the car. The hubs and Ayden checked out. Didn't they think it was odd that they were buying so many random things? Can't they think to put them back? No. They let me loose. With my ONE drink and NO food. Bad idea.

But, really. I am a good mom. Dear totsicles, don't be afraid. I'm not perfect, but we'll have fun! I promise!! See, I'm not a Debbie least once I've had ONE drink. I swear it was only one. It cost $7 and there is NO WAY the hubs would have spent more on alcohol! He knew me in my college days. He knows when it's cut-off time. Well, maybe he doesn't. It seems like it should have been about a 1/2 a drink before I was cut off!

Baby Jessie and Embie #1

This month, besides having an IVF that failed, is the month that our due date for our last pregnancy fell. We were due on 7/25/07. Typically, the month I had my miscarriage is the hardest. But, having just seen our tiny embryo, knowing it was alive and thriving when it was put in, and then, nothing, makes this month that much harder. If you prefer to not be sad, don't read this post. Otherwise, grab some tissues, a glass of wine, and read on. Although, I promise to end on a positive note because that's the kind of girl I am!

When we became pregnant, we had been trying for baby #2 for 3 years. It seemed like an eternity at the time. And, really, it is. I had already watched most of my friends have 2 babies in that time and I wondered, how much more we'd have to endure. I'd already been through our first RE, lots of clomid, 3 iui's (both clomid and Follistim), two surgeries for endo, acupuncture, and a witch doctor.

The witch doctor, as the hubs called her, had me on a strict vitamin routine and food routine. I told the hubs this was my last month with her, since it had already been three months, and then, we'd go back to our RE.

Suddenly, I realized I was 2 days late. Being my birthday, thinking it would be an amazing birthday gift, but knowing it was a shot in the dark because our RE already told us our chances of conceiving on our own was less than 1%, I POAS. Wouldn't you know it, it was positive. I cried and screamed and cried some more. We were beyond shocked and elated. We called our OB and made our first appointment for an u/s. We never made it to that appointment.

The week of Thanksgiving, I started to bleed. Not a lot, but enough that our OB sent us to the ER. The u/s tech at the ER, who isn't supposed to give any information, told us that it didn't look good because she didn't see anything in the sack and my uterus was bicornate. It looked like the baby had settled in one of the "horns" of my uterus. She also told us the pregnancy would probably end. (She was also later, fired. We went to the hospital president to share our concerns with her sharing of information...we happened to know him. He was appalled. She was fired.)

We were devastated. On Black Friday, while shopping with  my mom, I felt a gush of blood and knew it was over. But, I was wrong. We went to the OB the next week and there was a baby with a heartbeat. But, it was low at only 95bpm. I knew it was a bad sign, the hubs was excited and I just let him be excited. We were measuring a little behind, but not by much. The OB told me to  take it easy and if there was more bleeding to head to the ER. I'm not sure what they'd have done. But, for the time being, he was a little optimistic, which gave me some hope.

Sadly, at 8weeks 2 days, I started bleeding again. We went to the ER. They did an u/s. There was a baby, still with a beating heart, but only 85bpm. The doctor and nurses were beyond kind to us. We were told that we would miscarry in the next couple of days. Sure enough, I miscarried the next day, December 13, 2006. That day changed me forever. This day made me lose my hope. Hope equaled pain.

Stupidly, we had already told Ayden we were pregnant and he would be a big brother. He named the baby, Jessie. We were madly in love with our baby and had already talked about names and what life would be like with two kids. We had Disney trips planned, beach trips to take, and Christmas' with lots of gifts for our babies. Even our dog was in tune with the baby and would sniff my belly. But, as we now know, my uterus wasn't bicornate, but rather had a septum and the baby had implanted on it. There is no blood flow on the septum and the placenta couldn't take over. Basically, I failed my baby.

But, I believe that every being has a purpose. That wasn't supposed to be our take home baby. We were only to learn that I had an issue. Even though it wasn't diagnosed with my septum until 6 years later, we also didn't get pregnant again and tried adoption in that time instead. When our new RE found the septum, I knew that was our baby's purpose.

Then, there is this newest addition. Our IVF embryo. It took us 9 years to make that little guy (or girl). Honestly, I'd given up hope on anything working. I was only doing this because the hubs really wanted to. As you probably read in previous posts, I had a hard time getting excited about it. I can't say that deep down, I ever really was. Sure, I was excited to think that it could actually work, but to really believe it, no. I wasn't buying into it. I wasn't putting hope out in the world only to be crushed, again. But, after seeing the embryo's picture, I'd become attached. I finally realized what we were actually doing. It was a living little guy (or girl). Then, I was scared. I was scared because over the months/years that we'd been trying, we'd failed more than we'd succeeded. I tried to believe it, I prayed like crazy, but once my symptoms disappeared in the second week of our 2ww, I knew it wasn't going to be.

Even though many hpt's had already told me what I feared, hearing it from the nurse was much worse. It was definite then. There was no hope to even grab onto for this cycle. I failed. Again. The hubs keeps trying to tell me that it wasn't my fault, but after our last loss, I have a hard time believing him. I know there isn't anything else I could have done to change the outcome. Sometimes, more often than not, I've learned, this is just the outcome.

Perhaps, because I'm a teacher and I'm always looking for a teachable moment, or perhaps because I believe every being has a purpose in life, I think the purpose for our little lost embryo was to show me that I do want this. Bad. Way worse than I'd let myself believe. This little guy (or girl) lit a fire under my ass. I believe that this loss, although never really implanting, still showed me a glimpse of what could be. I actually looked at baby stuff while in the 2ww. I envisioned myself with a baby. We have 3 embryos left. One of those has to be our take home baby. It just has to. This embryo has brought us one step closer to him/her/them. This embryo brought me hope. The hope that was lost on December 12, 2006. I can feel it. Deep down. It's back. Maybe it never left, but it took this little embryo to help me find it. Every being has a purpose.

God willing, we can save up more $$ and get this show on the road. I really need time to re-center myself and let my ovaries calm down. It probably won't happen in the Summer, but you never know. And, it'll be top secret when it does :) Too many people had to be sad and I hate that it was because of us. It's just easier for me, a people pleaser, to keep it to myself. There are way less stupid comments this way, I'm sure! But, know that even in times of sorrow, looking for the silver lining makes it a little easier. Sure, I'm sad that our first IVF didn't work. But, I will never regret going down this road, as I once though I would. Traveling into unknown territory is scary. IVF and the unknowns of it are scary. But, no matter what the outcome, you can come out stronger, more determined, and full of hope that you thought would be lost forever.

Friday, July 5, 2013

IVF #1 Beta Results

"I'm so sorry. But, it's negative." Yep. It hurts way more to hear it and know for sure then to see blank tests. To make it worse, we were originally told we had 5 frozen embryos. Well, only 3 made it to freeze. The two they were watching out to day 6 never made it. Someone just failed to tell us. Nothing like kicking us while we're down.

Beta Day: Pre Phone Call (11dp5dt)

Well, the deed has been done. My blood has been taken. It was very sad. I held it together until I got outside and then I balled my eyes out. This was the end of my first IVF and it didn't end at all how I expected. Oh, it might be too early, you think. Well, the "Not Pregnant" glaring at me on my very last hpt this morning ended this long plotline. Not the resolution I was wanting.

And, yes, we have 5 more. But, it's very expensive to do FET's. It's not like the cost of that is thrown in with the IVF package. So, why were not sure how we'll come up with the money, we decided last night that we will. We don't know when, but hopefully before I turn 50 and my uterus falls out of my body. Although, with the cramps I'm having right now, I'd love it if my uterus fell out.

I had my blood taken at 8am. It's now almost noon. Longest 4 hours of my life. I did sleep through most of them, but I wish they'd just call so we can go out to lunch and drink. A lot. So, a warning about any post I may do later tonight. I'll certainly be under the influence of alcohol. Who knows what I might say...apologies in advance.

Thursday, July 4, 2013


This is my last day of PUPO. It's bittersweet. First, it was pretty awesome knowing that there was a living little embie in there. Second, this is the closest we've ever been to being pregnant in years. But, it was stressful. If I had it to do all over again, I would skip POAS. HPT's are the devil. They cause you to think that it didn't work, it's too early, etc. The stress of hpt's is just extra added stress that an IVF cycle doesn't need.

But, I did it. I actually made it through an IVF cycle and I'm still alive to tell about it. How will it end, I'm still really not sure. I have prayed more in the last two weeks than I have in my entire life. That's saying a lot since I pray about everything. But, I definitely believe in miracles. I have Ayden to prove it. He should have NEVER made it. I had a septum taking up 1/2 of my uterus, bled for most of my first trimester, and horrible endo. Knowing what we know now and dealing with secondary infertility for 9 years, he is a true miracle. I am a miracle myself. My parents tried for 5 years before having me. I am a clomid baby. Oh makes me shudder. The worst drug ever. Or so I thought until I did Lupron for IVF. I'll put them in the same category.

And, then, there's this damn' hpt I took this morning. ALL the tests I took this week were STARK white. Trust me. I know. None of the ninja moves I tried all week made a line show up. Even the move of holding it over my son's hermit crab light or in natural light. Those are my secret moves. Shhh, don't tell.  Because I love punishment, but mostly because I wanted ALL the tests used up and out of my house before our FET cycle, I used my very last FRER this morning. Just to look at it, nothing. Blank as blank can be. Then, I resorted to the hermit crab light. WTF. It's the lightest line you'd ever think could exist. I crossed my eyes, stood on my head, did a little downward dog...looked again. Still there. Surely, I've officially lost it. I'm now seeing invisible lines. I decided that after my beta test tomorrow, it was time I was admitted to the looney bin.

But, just to prove I'd gone mad, and embarrass myself with my secret move, I called the hubs into my son's room. I'm not exactly sure what he thought I was doing. But, I explained that this is a secret move. Not many people know about it and he's to keep it under wraps. He officially thinks I'm a nut job, I'm sure of it. So, to start, I showed him the test from yesterday. Nothing. No hint of a line. Then, I showed him today's. He squinted his eyes closed and then open a few times. I mean, he did just wake up and we all know you need very fresh eyes to see faint/invisible/fake lines. But, damn', he saw it, too. Then, he waved his hands in the air and said, "Just wait until tomorrow." Well, easy for you to say mister...I'm a mad woman. You hear me? I've gone mad! I won't lie. I've gone to check on the line about 50 times this morning. 50. Line is still there. But, only under hermit crab light. Well, not entirely true. Now, it's starting to dry and I can see it if I hold it over the lamp on my nightstand. See, I am a mad woman. Who knows what new plan I'll come up with. Losing it might be putting it mildly.

Now, there are a few possibilities here. One, we've both lost it completely. Two, this will end up being a chemical pregnancy because on 10dp5dt, the line should be much, much darker. But, even that, although sad, means that this little one tried its hardest to hold on, so an FET might just work. Third, God is granting us another miracle. So, if you're reading this today, please, please, please pray for the third option. I mean, pray so hard that your eyes pop out of your head, your knees bleed, and heaven is so full of our prayers that God has no other option but to grant this miracle to quiet the heavens.

I have faith that no matter what the outcome of tomorrow's beta is, everything will be okay. Will I be either really sad, really happy, or really confused? You betcha. But, I know that someday, this will all work itself out. It just has to. On the day that I finished praying my rosary novena, (google if you don't have a clue. It's a Catholic thing.), actually the second I finished my 7th day, the hubs texted me and said he had the last of the $3500 we needed to start our cycle. You have no idea the shock that came over me. I had been questioning, until that point, if we were really supposed to do IVF. That proved: question answered.

Crazier things have happened people. Much crazier. My prayer is that no matter what tomorrow's outcome is (hopefully positive) that I have the grace to get through it and come out on the other side as a better person. And, that I quickly pick my butt off, dust it off, and move on to our next step.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013


Today would be my normal beta day if the holiday wasn't tomorrow. So, just to know for sure, we tested again and of course, BFN. I wasn't surprised. The hubs was pretty shocked. I think he thought I just tested too early and those tests were wrong. He doesn't understand that, deep down, I just knew it didn't work. He can't feel that part. In a way, I'm jealous. He just got to be positive without analyzing any weird symptoms that may or may not be happening.

But, for anyone reading this to see what symptoms I do/don't have at 9dp5dt, because I know what it's like to search the interwebs for symptoms, I really have no symptoms at all.  No sore bbs, no major cramping, no nothing, and a BFN on a FRER.

So, the plan for today is to clean out the mess that's accumulated in this house. I love my boys to death. But, they can't clean to my liking. They pick up after themselves. Sometimes. But, the deep cleaning just hasn't happened over these last 2 weeks and I can't stand it one more second! Maybe I should mention that, for me, cleaning is a huge sign that AF is on her way. I even get excited about it. So, that there, proves that those tests are right. Who gets excited to clean? I'm a freak!

I am going to call my RE's office and let them know I got a negative test and see if I can stop these awful PIO shots. I know they'll say no, but it's worth a try. My hips hurt so badly. It's not even sore where the injection is going in. It's in my actual hip that is sore. I don't know if the oil is settling there and making everything hurt, but I can't sit on them or lay on my side because of it. It sucks. Of course, I'll do it all over again, but for now, I'm over it!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I am not a quitter. Watch out IF. Now you've pissed me off.

 This morning, looking at that stark white test I was beyond upset. I'm not gonna lie, hearing from the doctor on Friday will suck, too. I'll test again in the morning, just because that's the day I should have my beta if it weren't for the holiday. But, I'm not expecting much. So, when I came across this:

It was the first thing that made me laugh today. Well, maybe the second. The first was when I took Ayden to his 10 year old check up a day late...I even wrote it down and put it in my phone. Obviously, I wrote it down wrong both times. Nice. I wanted to cry right there when the receptionist told me, but I just looked at her like, WTF. Luckily, they can get him in tomorrow morning. It's supposed to be an appointment about puberty. Oh, how I can hardly wait. Ayden is excited to talk about balls and armpit hair. I wish I was kidding. So, when I saw this sign, I laughed. I realized that anything worth it in life takes work. Sometimes it works the first time. For us, it just didn't. I have two choices. I can quit. Which is tempting. Very tempting. It's also the easy way out. My Dad always called me Mandy the Great as a child. It was because, even though I'm small, I am great and I finish what I start. God blessed us with 5 more embryos. We are at least lucky to have them. Some people have no embryos and are now at the end of their IVF road.
So, for these people, who have no more choices, I don't have the right to sulk for one more second. For these two babies:

I am not quitting. I cannot quit. Maybe in the end, none of the 5 will be take home babies. Maybe they will. But, I cannot live with myself unless I pick my ass up and find out.
The one thing that IF has taught me is that I'm not a quitter. Until my body says, "No more," I'm not done. I might be crazy. But, I'm not a quitter. So, which ever little frozen baby is our take home baby, we're coming for you. We will bring you home. That, my sweet child, is a promise. 


Fertile people can suck my ass

Seriously. I really don't mean to hurt people's feelings by this post. And, if your feelings are hurt, suck it up. You have no idea how your words of wisdom and hopeful feelings feel like a stab in the back. Of course it's easy for you to be hopeful. You had fucking sex and got pregnant. Like normal people. I don't even get to enjoy that because my body is so fucked up.

Yep. I tested. Oh, it's too early to test, your fertile self will want to tell me. Well, I've been in the trenches for YEARS and no, it's not too early. If I wasn't on these shitty meds, my period would be here tomorrow. But, now I have to be in this shitty limbo of me, knowing 100% that I'm not pregnant, but still taking this horrible shot in my ass, knowing it's preventing AF from coming.

And, while I already feel like a HUGE fucking failure, now I have to tell all of the people we told, like idiots. Mainly, our parents and a couple of friends. All of them have been so hopeful and think that if you pay $11k you automatically get a baby. For a minute, I let them suck me into that thinking. I'm mad at myself for even thinking it was possible. The worst will be telling my mom. She already feels like this infertility thing is her fault because that's what mom's do, take all the blame. Just like I take all of the blame for this little perfect embryo not sticking. So, if a perfect one won't stick, what makes me think that an FET will work. You guessed it, it probably won't work either. No, don't give me your "oh, but it will" bull. I'm not an idiot. And, I don't need to hear your, "Oh you just need to be positive and it will work" shit either. What the hell do you think I just did for this last cycle. Yeah, positive attitude doesn't get someone pregnant. Be real.

This is not the life I ever imagined for myself. One where I have to watch everyone have 2,3,4 babies in the same time I'm trying for just 1. I can't even tell you how it breaks my heart. Sure, I'm happy for them. But, to see other people living my dream is so painful. I adore kids. The only jobs I've ever had were caring for kids by babysitting and working at daycares as a kid and now teaching. So, I guess I'm only good enough to take care of other people's kids and not have my own.

Oh, it's God's plan? Um, sure. Just like the cracked out whore being pregnant. Yeah. That sounds just like what God would want. No. This is some hell I'm in and there's no way out.

So, I'll be taking a hiatus from posting. Of course, to end this hellish experience, I'll make sure to post my negative beta on Friday just to put a close on this horrible month. And, when we do FET, I won't post about it. I won't tell one single person. That is, if it even happens. I have no idea where that money will come from.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Taking my own advice

No matter what happens, whether it's the baby that was transferred last week or one of our 5 waiting on us, we have hope that one of them is our take home baby.


I feel like such a big girl today. I didn't POAS. Thank heavens. It was like winning the lottery. For just one more day, I can pretend that it worked and I just tested early. Obviously, I hope that's true, but I just can't be sure. I woke up sweating like a gross hog this morning and had to change shirts. It was nasty. I was hot as all get out and my stomach hurt. Then, there was nausea. I think it was from being so hot. After taking Tums and sitting around for an hour or so, I felt much better. Eventually, I fell back to sleep. But, my stomach still hurts today. I'm not sure if I ate something weird yesterday, but it's icky.

Hopefully, this week goes by quickly and we can either celebrate or move on to whatever our next plan might be.