Monday, November 25, 2013

Nice timing...

My naturopath said give it two weeks...take the entire bottle and you're period will come. Once again, she's right, although I wasn't done with the bottle. I was expecting another week off from the hell of my period.

Sitting at my desk grading papers today, I started getting cramps. Odd. Felt like period cramps. Couldn't be. I still get a week off, damn it! Two hours later, taking my morning potty break, SWEET FLASHBACK to my teenage years. There it was. Covering my pants and undies...the.bitch. For freaking real?

Luckily, we have a stash of lady products in the work restroom. Even luckier, I had on a long sweater today. Yep. You read that right. I cleaned myself up, pulled my sweater over it, popped some aleeve and Tylenol and carried on with my day. Bloody pant mess and all. Honestly, the cramps aren't too bad. Yet.

So, now that the witch doctor was right, the hubs is ready to try to get knocked up naturally. Isn't he funny as fuck? Gotta love him.

I've been in LOTS of contact with our caseworker about a couple of cases and the hubs is ready to get pregnant. Um. Yeah. Not now. I need a break buddy. I guess he forgot about the witch doctor also telling us to wait for three months for things to really regulate themselves.

I'm also starting an adoption blog. I'm hoping that the hubs will write a little there, also. He has some strong opinions on the topic and maybe it will help other perspective adoptive fathers. Maybe not. Maybe it's a terrible idea and the hubs will never write. That's more likely. But, it's worth a shot.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Lots of updates in a short time frame!

My naturopath appointment went well. I mean, my body has completely shut down from all of the meds, but at least I have a plan. Basically, she could tell that I ovulated, but my progesterone never rose after.

This is a little scary. My progesterone has always been really low, even during pregnancies. So, the fact that now it isn't even there? Scary. I'm hoping that my body can reset itself and start to create it's own hormones again. Really, it's been over a year since I've had a period of my own, so I shouldn't really be shocked. But, considering I'm usually very regular, this sucks.

So, the witch doctor has me on these herbs for two weeks, as well as a TON of other things because the IVF meds have completely shutdown every single hormonal function in my body. After a week on the new stuff, I'm starting to feel like myself again. Finally! Once I stop the progesterone herb, I should get my period within two weeks. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Then, we discussed our lone frozen embryo. Our plan is to get my body back in check over the next three months and then transfer in the Spring. She said that if the embryo is of decent quality and my body is back in balance, it's our best shot. The hubs and I are very comfortable with that plan, so as of now, that's where we're headed.

As we wait for my  body to decide to function again, we are still looking at adoption. Really, we've never stopped. But, our caseworker is more determined than ever. She has been sending our homestudy out like a crazy lady. We are very interested in an older child adoption, as in, the older the better, but not older than Ayden, so that is in our favor. Not many adoptive families want the older children, which I don't understand, but I guess it isn't for everyone.

And...Now I'm 35. In fertility land, we all know what this means. Does it apply to everyone? Probably not, but the doctor doesn't really care. Although, C.CRM said that I'm "young", so I happen to love them :) But, according to charts and research, it's not a good thing. In my head, I cannot even fathom that we have really been trying this long. I NEVER thought that at 35 I'd still be trying to complete my family. NEVER. My plan was to be done, done, done and have my innards ripped out at 35 so I didn't have to deal with endo anymore. I liked that plan.

But, I the hubs doesn't want me ripping things out that we still need. I get it. But, if they don't bounce back from this madness, they're getting pitched at 38. That's all the longer I'll give them to work. I was on the treadmill the other day and I can tell that things are all stuck to each other again. I can't even tell you how badly I want to workout and not be in pain. For me, it's a quality of life issue.

We have enough meds to do another complete fresh cycle. Our naturopath doesn't want us to do another complete cycle. She said if we're working with her, we could very well have a higher quality and be left with LOTS of frozen embryos. I'm not sure why she thinks this is bad. Doesn't she realize that this is an infertiles dream? I'd rather have lots to work with than just one lonely guy (or girl). Plus, we want a big family. See blog title. So what if I'm old(ish)? I'm not sure that I'm against being pregnant in my 40's, nor do I think it's impossible. So, she'll just need to get over her idea. We.want.lots. That's the point of spending 10k, right?

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Still late.

My period is still MIA. Really, it's not a huge deal, except we're going to the witch doctor on Friday, so I'd like to have things over with by then. I'm sure I'll start on my birthday this week. Oh joy.

I've had cramps for most of the last two weeks, but nothing today. So, that makes body is messed up. Maybe if I keep peeing on things it will show up. Usually, that trick works. Not this time. Whatever.

Don't get whiplash, I'm changing subjects.

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day. Don't forget to thank a vet. They earned it and so much more. Here's my favorite vet:

This picture was taken on December 12, 2003. This is, hands down, my favorite memory ever. Not that my cheesy smile wouldn't have given it away. The hubs was being interviewed by our local media, who had also traveled hundreds of miles to welcome these guys home. Seriously, being there is even better than it looks on TV.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Still waiting...

on AF that is. My longest cycle ever has been 36 days. But, that was just once. All of the rest are 28 days. Clockwork baby. And, then we did IVF. F'd things up. And, my hips still hurt from the PIO.

Is that even normal? While we were in Texas, I decided to use the workout facility at the hotel. I love working out, but only seem to make time to actually do it on vacation. Go figure. When I was running on the treadmill, my hips ached. Seriously, it's ridiculous. I did my last PIO over a month ago. When we started our FET, my hips still hurt from my fresh cycle. But, it's not where the injection went. The pain has "settled" more in my actual hips.

I asked the nurse about it during our FET and she said the muscle is all connected. I really have no idea, so I'll just go with it. I can't imagine that the pain lasting this long is normal, but I suppose it could be. Not much about me is "normal" anyway.

I didn't have to work today since it was conference week. So, I spent the day reading (errr, skimming) a book about adult ADHD. I went undiagnosed as a kid, not that my mom didn't mention the possibility repeatedly to the doctor and my teachers, but in the '80's, girls didn't really get diagnosed with it. So, I spent my entire life (up until the last couple of years) dealing with it myself. Not fun.

The meds I take can't be taken during pregnancy, so I spend time on them, off of them, on them, off of them, on get the point. So, we (my doctor and I) are finding ways of dealing with the craziness when not medicated. It's not the ideal situation, but it's what I need to do. I hear ya. Lots of people are all, "Oh, ADHD meds. What a cop-out" or "ADHD is an excuse". Not the first time I'd have heard it and I usually say them to myself, until I was finally correctly diagnosed. No one knows how the meds actually work, but holy amazingness. It's like putting blinders on a horse. The change in quality of life is absolutely worth it. Get this, I'm not stupid. Flighty? Only when not on my meds. Otherwise, I have a brain and it's useful. Go figure.

The book has some great ideas, but they seem like a lot of work. (That's ADD for ya there!) So, when we go see the witch doctor later this week, I'll ask her for some ideas, too. Maybe she can do some wand waving action and cure me...kidding, but it would be nice.

Ready, set: Wait for the ever

Seriously. I really wanted to get into our RE for our FET WTF appointment sooner rather than later to figure out what my plans will be over the next few months. CC.RM is waiting for a return call after our appointment here. There are some tests that our doc can do, so that will save us time and maybe money.

Well, we can't even get in until January. For the love of holy shit. Unfortunately, since I took a week off of work for my SIL's wedding, I don't want to take another day off. So, the only time I could get in is MLK day. I'm off for two flipping weeks in December and he isn't there anytime that I can get in. For fucks sake. Moving on or pausing? Bloody crap.

So, in the meantime: My period is late. Nice right. Yeah. I've had cramps for about a week now. Last week I had some bleeding. For a day. Then, done. Implantation bleeding? Would I be that girl? I can just read the news headline now:

"Couple tries IF treatments for a decade. All Fail. Fall pregnant naturally while on vacation in Texas."

Okay, that's a long headline. But, of course, because I'm not normal and suffer with crazy IF brain, the hope was there. I did ovulate in Texas. How do I know? Oh. Well, my innards were screaming with their all too familiar endo pain, "HEY: WE'RE LETTING ONE LOOSE!" Then, the rest of the day was spent in pain. That's how I know.

And, now, here I sit, 4 days late. Yeah. Not just one day. Four. Oh, don't worry blog readers, this isn't changing suddenly into a "Miracle Pregnancy" blog. I'm so very not pregnant. How do I know? One left over hpt from our fet cycle said, "FUCK YOU BIG IDIOT!" Typically, just peeing on the stick brings on AF. Not this time. Nope. Still cramping. Fun times here.

However, before all of the late AF shit and after making our WTF appointment for next century, I made an appointment with the witch doctor. Like I said before, the hubs was all for it. I'm in a "whatever" kind of mood. Maybe it will get my whacked out hormones back on track. Clearly, IVF drugs have messed this body up.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Definition of Insanity

Doing the same thing over and over again. We are insane.

Ready to move on from the insanity of RE appointments, yet having a phone consult with CC.RM, being drug along for months for an adoption match that never was...we constantly question if it's time to give up and just move on.

Then, I happened to come across a article about not quitting. Damn it. The hubs keeps bringing up the witch doctor, which is funny because he's the one who made fun of me seeing her many years ago. But, she worked. She is the only one who worked. Unfortunately, I m/c'd that baby, but it wasn't from what she had done.

I played tennis through out my childhood. My biggest regret was quitting my senior year in college. It has always haunted me. I was the only senior on the team. At the time, I was mad at the coach, yada, yada, yada. Young girl problems. My fear is that in 20 years, I'll have a new regret. Quitting this dream.

The consult with ccr.m was great. We learned a ton, but we were also left with a lot of questions. How far are we willing to go? I am 100% sure that if we weren't blessed with Ayden, we'd fly out to Colorado tomorrow. However, I have emotionally missed out on so much of Ayden's life because I'm always looking for our next fertility fix or my endo is so bad that I just can't be present. It's a horrible thing to look up and see a 10 year old in front of you and be sad that you couldn't give him a sibling. But, he's okay. We're okay.

That being said, we are definitely not quitting. I've always said that I'll try until my parts rot and fall out. When I'm emotional after a failed cycle, I often second guess that decision. But, after having time to think, I'm always ready to get back in the fight. But, this time, I need to do what allows me to enjoy my time with my son. I'm not sure what this will be. I do know we have one totsicle left. I also know DH wants to try the witch doctor before moving on to another IVF cycle.

So, maybe for once, I'll listen to him rather than try to figure it out myself. Clearly, my ideas haven't worked. If nothing else, the massage I can sign up for before my appointment with her will be worth it!