Sunday, November 3, 2013

Definition of Insanity

Doing the same thing over and over again. We are insane.

Ready to move on from the insanity of RE appointments, yet having a phone consult with CC.RM, being drug along for months for an adoption match that never was...we constantly question if it's time to give up and just move on.

Then, I happened to come across a article about not quitting. Damn it. The hubs keeps bringing up the witch doctor, which is funny because he's the one who made fun of me seeing her many years ago. But, she worked. She is the only one who worked. Unfortunately, I m/c'd that baby, but it wasn't from what she had done.

I played tennis through out my childhood. My biggest regret was quitting my senior year in college. It has always haunted me. I was the only senior on the team. At the time, I was mad at the coach, yada, yada, yada. Young girl problems. My fear is that in 20 years, I'll have a new regret. Quitting this dream.

The consult with ccr.m was great. We learned a ton, but we were also left with a lot of questions. How far are we willing to go? I am 100% sure that if we weren't blessed with Ayden, we'd fly out to Colorado tomorrow. However, I have emotionally missed out on so much of Ayden's life because I'm always looking for our next fertility fix or my endo is so bad that I just can't be present. It's a horrible thing to look up and see a 10 year old in front of you and be sad that you couldn't give him a sibling. But, he's okay. We're okay.

That being said, we are definitely not quitting. I've always said that I'll try until my parts rot and fall out. When I'm emotional after a failed cycle, I often second guess that decision. But, after having time to think, I'm always ready to get back in the fight. But, this time, I need to do what allows me to enjoy my time with my son. I'm not sure what this will be. I do know we have one totsicle left. I also know DH wants to try the witch doctor before moving on to another IVF cycle.

So, maybe for once, I'll listen to him rather than try to figure it out myself. Clearly, my ideas haven't worked. If nothing else, the massage I can sign up for before my appointment with her will be worth it!

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