Thursday, June 26, 2014

14 weeks and HELLO 2nd tri!

We made it to second trimester! Yay! However, it hasn't been without drama. I've been spotting brown for the last 6 days. But, who's counting? The doctor has reassured me that brown is old blood and she isn't concerned at all. Well, that must be nice because I'm freaking the hell out. I don't really need anymore reason to worry in this pregnancy.

 I'm scared to go to the bathroom for fear of seeing that the brown has turned red. We're just praying that this baby is a fighter and can get through whatever is going on in there.

Besides that, I feel good. I haven't really relaxed at all, but at least I don't feel nauseous as often, not that I felt it too much in the 1st tri.

I hate wishing that time would pass, but I am definitely ready for it to be December.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

13 weeks

We met our new OB yesterday. She is great, as is the staff.

The appointment was three hours long. In those three hours, I peed five times and was starving. Between pee sessions, someone took a huge crap in the restroom. So, that was fun to smell for the rest of my trips to the restroom.

I had to have a pap and full exam, yay. My cervix is apparently clear up in my lungs because she had a horrible time finding it. Ouch. My lovely tilted uterus is apparently, "severly tilted" and is pushing on my pooper and bladder at the same time. No wonder I'm miserable. She said that by my next appointment is should have fixed itself. Here's hoping because these poop and pee issues are a bit much.

Because of my cone biopsy, I will start having cervical checks at my 16 week appointment. Fingers crossed that it holds up and I don't have to worry about yet another thing. I'm already having a really difficult time attaching to this pregnancy for fear that it'll be taken away.

I think we've decided to find out the sex of our baby. We were originally team green, but the hubs and I are both having some issues after our loss. We're hoping that finding out what we're having will help us connect a little more with the surviving twin.

The OB asked how I was dealing with losing a baby. Fighting back tears, I told her that I would just deal with that after the delivery and I just was concerned with making it to term with this baby. She reassured us that this baby is checking out perfectly and in cases like this, the surviving twin almost always is delivered perfectly healthy. It's that "almost" word that I'm hung up on. She did admit that we lost the baby a little late for it to be considered a vanishing twin, especially with seeing a good heartbeat a couple of times. Most likely, this baby had some chromosomal concerns. Again, I'll deal with the loss after delivery.

Now for the fun stuff! During our ultrasound, we got some amazing pictures! This baby is very active and was turning over and waving and kicking his/her legs for the entire scan. It was so amazing. We did the NT scan and blood work yesterday, too. Our baby's measurement was 1.4 and they worry if it's between 2-3, so nothing to worry about there. We just need to wait for the blood work to come back and confirm.

Here is our baby:

And here he/she is waving:

Cute, right? You can see the twin in the top sac. He/she is still measuring at a little over 9 weeks. Most likely, it won't vanish because it's too big. Our OB said that it will probably get smashed into the placenta as the other baby grows. You can imagine my feelings when she was explaining this to us. She said that she will be able to see it, but we told her that we definitely didn't want to know about it. We'll just try to celebrate our miracle that fought his/her way through my crazy insides. It is pretty crazy how much growth happens between 9 and 13 weeks though! No wonder I'm starving all the time! Keep up the growing little one!!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Ayden is 11!

My sweet boy is 11 today. Where has time gone? It truly seems like yesterday when I was in the hospital, having you.

Today, you are a strong, brilliant, kind, and loving boy who is growing up way too fast. I have loved watching every single second of you growing up.

I remember the dinosaur phase. You knew every.single.dinosaur by name. You would also act them out and have a different noise for all of them.

Then, there was the Thomas phase. Those darn trains went with us everywhere. You knew them all by name and could play trains for hours.

All of the vacations we've been on and trips we've taken where you got all of our attention? Wow. What a lucky boy you are and what lucky parents we have been to be able to give you so many life experiences.

Today, you are such an athlete and an academic. I am so proud that you have maintained all A's for your entire schooling career, something I NEVER could do! Of course, you're the kid that doesn't have to try very hard for those grades. I wouldn't have liked you in school because of this! Can you say jealous?

You play sports with your whole heart. Whether it's football, basketball, or baseball, you are a great teammate and treat the members of your team with respect. You also work hard to be a good teammate yourself.

As I watch time tick by, I realize that you will be in our home for fewer and fewer years. High school and college will come quickly, but you will be ready. Will I? Probably not. My entire life, I wanted children. Lots and lots of children. However, for many years, God taught me that simplicity is enough. You have been my entire life. You, my sweet son, made me feel whole on days where I didn't know why I had to deal with infertility. You have always been there. We've been told many times that you shouldn't be here. You are a true miracle. I am so blessed to have you.

As I watch you get ready to become a big brother, I pray that you always know how special you are to me. While I feel so guilty that it took us so long to make you a brother, I am one of the few mothers that can say that she was able to give her entire self to her child for 11 whole years.

I am the lucky one.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

12 weeks and my last day with a 10 year old

Tomorrow is DS's 11th birthday. I cannot believe it. Time goes so fast. The next time we have a 10 year old in our house, DS will be 21. Ha! Talk about space between kids. Not how we planned things, but we'll take it.

DS is so excited about the baby. I have been praying like crazy that everything stays okay with this one so we don't have to tell him yet again that things didn't go well. It scares me to death.

I'm trying to celebrate every single day that I am pregnant. I'm pretty sure that no matter the outcome, this will be my last pregnancy. So far, I've done more worrying than enjoying, but hopefully that will slowly fade.

Compared to my 12 week pic with Ayden (see a couple of posts down), I seem huge. In the grand scheme, I'm not huge, but in comparison? Yeah.

Hopefully, this is a sign that things are going well in there and the baby is growing like a weed. I guess we'll know next week.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Bleeding scare and most amazing picture

I'm pretty sure that I just did too much this weekend. I was just trying to make time pass until our next ultrasound. Between planting flowers, cleaning, and shopping, I started bleeding. Great. Can't I just ever have a normal pregnancy?

I already had to call the RE on-call earlier in the day because of a bladder infection (Boo.) So, then I had to call yet again for this. He wanted me to go into the ER and have it checked out.

There was no actual source for the bleeding, however they are assuming, as is the RE, that it's from baby A or the placenta breaking down.

Baby B? What a wiggle worm! I have never been so entertained from an ultrasound in my life. We saw legs kicking, the baby flipping around, and then s/he waved at us at the end of the ultrasound. What a sweetie! It's like s/he was just saying, "HI! See, I'm okay in here!"

Look at these legs:

Tell me that isn't the cutest baby you've ever seen?! That little foot? I can't get enough of it. The ER gave us a CD of the pics to take with us to the RE's office on Tuesday. So, of course I copied all of them for myself.

You can see baby A laying above baby b. It's pretty obvious that there was no growth for quite sometime. Very sad. However, seeing this amazing little angel flailing all over the place, my heart started to heal and get excited. We are blessed. I thank God that we transferred both embryos.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Today I'm really fucking angry. I hate that everyone else gets to start Summer on vacation or with happy outlooks, while here I sit, knowing that I have to carry my dead baby for who knows how long. Not knowing if the other baby will even decide that I'm worthy of being it's mother.

I'm so tired of this shit. The not knowing is the worst. My boobs don't hurt anymore. No heartbeats on the fetal Doppler. I hate that fucking thing. I hate to be negative, but being positive hasn't gotten me anywhere. I hope this baby is stronger than I am because I just don't have it in me to hope anymore. Things just don't make sense.

There you have it. Thoughts inside of losing a baby and not knowing if you'll lose another one.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014


Baby A looked so peaceful today. Laying there with it's legs stretched out. From the start of the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. The baby wasn't moving. Just laying still. I saw no heartbeat.

Our RE noticed right away, too. Probably a good thing since it's his job. So, he moved right onto Baby B, looking for good news. There he/she was, flipping and flopping ALL over. Heartbeat was 175 and he/she measured perfectly.

Back to baby A the RE went. Rather than looking for a heartbeat first, as he has been doing, he started taking measurements. To break the silence, I mentioned that this didn't look good. His silence was all I needed for my answer.

It appears that at a little over 9 weeks, we lost baby A. I, of course, started crying because who in the hell has to lose this many babies in her lifetime? It's a weird feeling, knowing that I will most likely carry both babies for the entire 9 weeks, but we'll never know anything about baby A. Just like our other lost babies. My heart is broken.

At this point, as much as I want to believe it, I'm not believing that this pregnancy will really bring us a baby. Our doctor said that this won't affect the other baby, but I'm jaded and I think everyone is full of shit.

We were supposed to graduate today, but I suck, so I'm going back next week for another ultrasound. I think it's to both ease my mind and also to make sure the other baby continues to develop. Twice now, I've had heartbeats on ultrasounds and lost the babies. So, to think the same thing won't happen again? Can't convince me.

What I do know is that I'm done. Whatever this pregnancy brings, I'm done. I cannot continue to hope and then have my babies taken from me. I'm just done. Why the fuck anyone has to endure the pain of losing a baby is beyond me.

Monday, June 2, 2014

School's out for the Summer!

Finally! This year was nothing short of rough. My 8th grade has had 8th grade-itis since September. While I love my job, I've never been happier for a Summer break in my life!

Yesterday, I wrote that nausea was gone. Spoke too soon. Ya know that burning feeling that comes in the back of the throat right before you puke? Had that today on the way to work. No where to pull over. Contemplated puking in the passenger seat, but the heat cooking the vomit all day stopped me. I started sweating and the puke kept creeping up in my throat. Did some labor breathing. Found a spot to pull over just as the puke started to head back down in my stomach. Thank goodness. I had visions of smelling like puke all day long.

I spent the rest of the day more nauseous than I've been this entire pregnancy. The hubs was right. I did jinx myself by worrying about not feeling sick.

Honestly, I think the horrible nausea was from not taking my prednisone this morning. I was out. It masks the nausea from pregnancy. Apparently, this is great news for me. I made sure to fill that script as soon as I was home from work. We can't have that anymore. I'll never be the same after that fit of sweat and death grip on the steering wheel fiasco. The horror.

Tomorrow is my last appointment with our RE. Very bitter sweet. I love everyone in that office. They are such amazing and caring people. Plus, how do you thank someone for giving you such an amazing gift? I suppose all of the money we've given them over the years is a good start.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

I thought I was fat and anxiety

In this picture, I thought I was big. However, here I was, 12 weeks pregnant with Ayden and still wearing my size 6 jeans. So.not.big.

To compare this pic to my 10 week picture I posted this past week, clearly there is a lot going on in my belly these days. This should easy my anxiety, but it isn't. I think the upcoming ultrasound has me a mess again. I'm scared that we lost one or both. I have no cramping and no bleeding, but it could happen. I wish I could just stop worrying and enjoy this, but it is really difficult with my first tri symptoms starting to fade.

Nausea is pretty much gone. As much as I hated it, it was short lived and it was reassuring. My boobs are still huge, but they don't hurt anymore. Also freaks me out. I know they won't hurt forever, but it was a sign that things were going on. Now, I just have to have faith and trust in my body to do its job. No so easy when it's failed me for many years. One day of school left and then my last ultrasound with my RE. Praying like mad that everything is okay.

And, for the record, I still own those jeans. They never fit the same even though I still wear the same size, as the birthing hips never went away. Sad story. I won't give up on my decade+ old jeans. These are my 'someday' jeans. I should probably really get over that after this pregnancy.