Baby A looked so peaceful today. Laying there with it's legs stretched out. From the start of the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. The baby wasn't moving. Just laying still. I saw no heartbeat.
Our RE noticed right away, too. Probably a good thing since it's his job. So, he moved right onto Baby B, looking for good news. There he/she was, flipping and flopping ALL over. Heartbeat was 175 and he/she measured perfectly.
Back to baby A the RE went. Rather than looking for a heartbeat first, as he has been doing, he started taking measurements. To break the silence, I mentioned that this didn't look good. His silence was all I needed for my answer.
It appears that at a little over 9 weeks, we lost baby A. I, of course, started crying because who in the hell has to lose this many babies in her lifetime? It's a weird feeling, knowing that I will most likely carry both babies for the entire 9 weeks, but we'll never know anything about baby A. Just like our other lost babies. My heart is broken.
At this point, as much as I want to believe it, I'm not believing that this pregnancy will really bring us a baby. Our doctor said that this won't affect the other baby, but I'm jaded and I think everyone is full of shit.
We were supposed to graduate today, but I suck, so I'm going back next week for another ultrasound. I think it's to both ease my mind and also to make sure the other baby continues to develop. Twice now, I've had heartbeats on ultrasounds and lost the babies. So, to think the same thing won't happen again? Can't convince me.
What I do know is that I'm done. Whatever this pregnancy brings, I'm done. I cannot continue to hope and then have my babies taken from me. I'm just done. Why the fuck anyone has to endure the pain of losing a baby is beyond me.
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