Friday, January 31, 2014

Que tears

My body cannot handle any influx in hormonal balance or imbalance or just hormones in general. Go endo. It's a real cluster going on inside me. I have now been on bcp for 5 days. We're talking a pill, the size of a pea. No. Smaller than that. It's like 1/2 that size. I have been weepy all day long. It's pretty ridiculous.

Commercials about babies? Sob.

Commercials with flowers in them? Yep. Those, too.

Commercials about the crazy chest pounder singing lady, Celine Dion? OMG. Cry factory. She did have to do IVF 5 times to conceive her twins.

Sweet heavens. It appears that I now qualify people of their worth for my tears by if they are infertile or not. Lovely. Infertility has officially taken over my body and my mind.

On a really exciting note, tomorrow is the first day of February, meaning that in ONE MONTH we will be WAY underway with our IVF! And, February is a short month. Hopefully, it goes quickly for a couple of reasons. One: GO IVF! Two: THIS WINTER IS HORRIBLE! And, we're expecting yet another HUGE storm this week. For the love of warm seasons, make it stop!

I realize that March isn't always (or ever) warm. What's the saying? Oh. It's: April showers bring May flowers. That has nothing to do with March. Well, whatever. My point is that it will be warming up and Spring is my absolute favorite month. I am the happiest in the Spring. I'm not really looking forward to driving 1 1/2 hours to my RE's office every other day for a couple of weeks, but I am looking forward to the warm sun coming through my car windows. Ah. I love that feeling.

If it's still cold out, I'll just turn the heat on in my car and pretend it's coming from the sun. Yeah. That will work. So, I welcome February (not because I enjoy this month) because it means that we are one step closer to whatever we need to do to have another teeny, tiny baby. At least I hope he/she/they are teeny, tiny. Otherwise, ouch.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

I'm sorry...

Whenever we start a new treatment, I always look up IVF blogs to give me hope. During a treatment cycle, I sometimes look up the CD that I'm on, for example 10dp5dt.

If you notice, I've had over 12K views of this blog. (Don't worry. I'll connect all of these random thoughts in one second. Promise.) While I realize that some of you are daily readers or friends that read every-so-often to see what we're up to, today I looked at what phrases or words are used on a search engine that pull a hit on my blog. (Don't worry. It doesn't say how many times each person is viewing or stalking the blog. It doesn't even tell me who is reading it. You're safe.) The most searched for hit was 10dp5dt (first page, second link on Kinda cool!Try it!!), followed by 11dp5dt and beta day. For fun, I decided to read my posts from these three days. Oh my.

So, now I need to apologize for making you sad and not giving you hope during your cycle. You see, when I read blogs, I want to read blogs that give me hope and make me feel like this choice I've made to do IVF is a good choice that will eventually work. Well, I'm going to blame the hormones I was pumped full of, but holy not hopeful blog posts! I am so freaking sorry if you were/are reading this blog looking for happy posts during our last IVF. I must have lost my hope and happiness somewhere.

So, during this cycle, I am going beta or bust. First, I'm doing it for my own sanity. By testing early the last two cycles, I lost hope with six days left until our beta. Who wants to lose hope on themselves? I can't expect other people to have hope for me if I don't have it for myself. Second, I'm doing it for my readers, whether you are a regular reader or just dropping by, looking for hope. At least if I don't POAS, I can offer myself and you a few extra days of hope. If we hit the positive side of this IVF, I'd rather give you nine months of hope. So, while it might make me crazy, going beta or bust is better for all of us!

While I'm so ready to get this cycle going, I need to spend the next few weeks getting myself into a positive place. I need a my mind to really wrap itself around the fact that in my RE's clinic, I have a 55% chance that this will work in my new age category. Yay getting older! Those odds are in our favor. Our RE said that if there is something wrong with DH's newest test and he takes the supplements, he would bump us up to the 60% range. I realize that under age 35, I also had a 60% chance and happened to fall on the other side of these odds. But, I need to embrace that this really could happen. That is a hard thing for me to take in. We've failed so many times over the last decade that it has just become the norm. But, just because it has always been the case doesn't mean it will be the case from here on out. This is only our 2nd IVF. Never thought I'd say "only" before a procedure that costs over $10k. But, we weren't exactly aggressive in our early years. We truly thought we'd just get pregnant on our own. Oops. Wrongo.

To start fresh, I've started a new playlist which I've titled, "IVF #2". I'm so flipping creative. I know. Honestly, it makes me laugh every time I play it because I said I'd only do one IVF. God is a stand up comedian. That's the only explanation I have. So far, here is my favorite song:

This is Bastille's song, Pompeii. I'm not sure if I should be comforted that one of my favorite songs going into an IVF cycle where I'm trying to be an optimist is a song written about a city covered by an erupting volcano. Really. The lyrics were written after a book about the volcano was read. However, as a reading and writing teacher, I always tell my students that an author will have one meaning behind a book or poem, but the reader can bring their own meaning, as well.

So, this might be far fetched, and I'm about to put a little hippie love behind this, but the part of the song that asks, "How am I to be an optimist about this?" isn't so much asking, but giving an order to figure out how to be optimistic, even when a freaking volcano is getting ready to bury you. Clearly, in Ohio, I don't live near a volcano. Thank heavens. But, often, I feel buried by infertility. Maybe it's just my own feelings toward my situation that are actually burying me.

So, "The walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved." Well, they are literally talking about actual walls. Falling. In the beloved city. (Hang on. I'm about done getting all deep with my thoughts.) Clearly, lots of shit has tumbled down as we've dealt with infertility, but I get to decide if I'm going to be optimistic or not. I don't really have it figured out yet, but I'll get there.

Ok. Done.

So, to start, I will be optimistic in what I say about our next cycle. I haven't been optimistic about our treatments since before our miscarriage. That was in 2007, people. True story.

I did actually start this process today. I felt like I needed to tell my principal why I was going to be gone so much in March. Okay, I didn't have to, but I hate lying and I'm quite frankly, not very good at it. She was very sweet and even asked me a few questions that weren't idiotic. But, what I liked, is that before asking me any questions, she asked me if I minded that she asked a few questions. Obviously, I wouldn't tell my boss no, but she doesn't know that. She asked basic questions about the process and asked what the success rate was. Easy answers. Then, I actually told her I was excited. And, I meant it. The statement came out of nowhere and it just fell out of my mouth. But, it felt good to say it. Really good. Because really, the odds are in my favor.

So, if deep down I am excited, I need to work on not putting up a front to protect myself. I'm pretty sure I did this in the past, so that when a treatment would fail (even thought I'd start long before I knew the outcome) I wouldn't have to show other people how upset, sad, and hurt I really was. But, isn't it normal to be sad, hurt, and upset when your dream doesn't come true? For so much of my life, I've had to be strong and hold it all together. The hubs being in Iraq is a prime example. I was horrified inside, but on the outside, I was cool as a cucumber. I rarely slept, but stayed up watching the news, hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but also scared to see what he really was dealing with. I'd put on extra makeup to hide the circles under my eyes. I left my house every single day and went to the mall to shop. My reason? Every single car coming down the road, I was positive it was someone coming to tell me that the unthinkable had happened and I was now a widow. Rather than admitting any of this, we would joke about my obsession with shopping. Granted, that is a true statement, but it wasn't THE reason. Then, he came home. That brought other issues entirely. Feelings kept getting buried and never dealt with. Pretending to be happy? I was really good at that.

While today, I really am happy most of the time, I need to stop pretending that I am not happy and excited about our IVF. I'm scared. This is true. But, mostly, I'm happy. And, if this one doesn't work? Well, I'll be sad about that, but we'll just move on again. The hubs and I need to give ourselves more credit than we do. We have been trough a lot. We are strong, but we need to learn to be vunerable and honest about our feelings.

What I think you all just witnessed was a free therapy session of myself. I knew I got that minor in psyc for a reason.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Second post of the day. Random thoughts.

This post might seem a little ADD, but I need to get this all down while I'm thinking about it.

First, I heard back from our IVF nurse. Seriously, nicest lady on the planet. She will start working on my calendar and email it to me later this week. Oh boy. She said they'll discuss me tomorrow at the office meeting to decide what exactly to change and keep the same. Most likely, she thinks everything will stay the same since I had a nice response. But, my Follistim dose will be lowered. I forgot to ask about prednisone. It's not like I won't be seeing them a zillion times, so I'll ask the next time I'm there.

Also, she will schedule my ER for the week of March 23rd. She said it made more sense to schedule the ER when I have more time off to recover rather than the ET. She's probably right and since it's her job, I'll let her make that decision. Plus, it gives us a little more time to freak out about what we're doing. And, to get money together. Yeah. Let's just say we're hoping for a HUGE tax return to at least cover the doctor's costs. The rest of the money? We'll figure that out. We did last time.

After I got off the phone with the nurse, I started getting excited. I'm scared to be excited because I now know what I didn't know before doing two transfers...IVF doesn't always work. Go figure! Maybe I'm just being more realistic this time. Not necessarily a bad thing.

Then, I compared my clinic to Colorado and a place in NYC we've been considering for immune testing. Well, I'm not really sure why I didn't notice it before, but our RE has higher success rates for women in my age group than either of those clinics. And, breathe. It might just be okay. I have no idea why I never noticed that before. But, at least I noticed it in time for our new cycle. Otherwise, I would have been questioning every single move my clinic was making, thinking we should be in Colorado. We have something going in our favor!

I told my mom about our IVF. I didn't tell her about the FET, but that was different. My heart was beat up and I needed to not let anyone into my sad place. But, now that we are all more realistic with the outcome of IVF (my mom included) I thought it was safe to let her in my bubble. Plus, I need someone to come and watch Ayden and get him to school when we do ER. She was excited, but sounded more realistic than the last time. I told her that if this one doesn't work, we'd just keep trying. She of course thinks that's freaking nuts. I did, too. But...

I was talking to the hubs after dinner tonight. We signed the paper from our case worker, canceling our adoption file with them. He was happy to do it. I was a little, eh, about the whole thing. I didn't think we'd close that door this way. But, before I signed it, I asked the hubs how much he was willing to do to have a baby. He feels like since it's my body, it should be my say. Well, if I'm being honest, I'd never stop. Some days I say I'm done, but for ten years, I have shown that I'm not okay with quitting. Is this stupid? Maybe. But, let me put it in perspective.

I'm here because my mom tried just one.more.time. It took her five years and lots of procedures and Clomid. Poor lady. Five years. Then, she tried two more years for my brother. That's a total of seven years she had to deal with infertility. If she could do it, so can I. Until my body evicts my uterus, I certainly can just keep trying one more time. Luckily, the hubs doesn't want to quit either. Maybe we're both nuts. I mean, it's already been ten years. What's one more try at this point?!

CD3 and BCP #1 Down the Hatch

And, go! BCP #1 is on board. Here is a look into my mind: WTH are you doing?! Are you seriously doing this again? So exciting! Holy moly! Are you flipping nuts???

Yeah. I'm all over the place. DH has his newest test on Thursday. The results will be to my RE in two weeks. We're both hoping like mad people that there is something wrong with him. Yep. We sure do. I mean, we want it to be fixable. But, if there isn't anything wrong? Well, I'm not sure. I feel like it's stupid to go through with another cycle, all OOP (out of pocket), without having any new information about either of us.

As for this upcoming cycle, the only med change will be lowering my Follistim dosage. Last time, I started off on a high dose (for me) and that wasn't good. When we tried to back it off and it was too late.My estrogen was through the roof by trigger time. So, I'll be starting this time at 125. Last time, I believe, I started at 225. I need quality, not quantity, this time. Ne estrogen spike. Endo bodies and high estrogen are not friends. At all.

I called the IVF nurse and left her a message to see if there was anyway we could get either ER or ET during my Spring Break week. Yes, I know. I said I wasn't going to control everything. It doesn't hurt to ask, right? If I don't have to take more time off than I already will need, that would be great. Plus, I'll be a huge bloated cow. Try explaining that to teenagers. Yeah. They'd ask. My biggest fear is people asking me if I'm pregnant when I'm not. Well, last time, I definitely looked pregnant with 22 eggs hanging off of my grapefruit sized ovaries. I need to buy big comfy sweaters. That won't look suspicious.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Surrender to the process. AKA: Stop being a control freak.

It's day two of my period and I'm already starting to freak out about timing: if this will even work, why I'm even trying again, how many times we're willing to do this...and lots more.

Of course, it started after my SIL, the one I've mentioned who is pregnant, sent me a text yesterday to tell me all about her cravings so far. She is only around 6 weeks along. Seriously, I can't listen to her cravings, complaints, or whatever else she feels she needs to tell me for the next eight months. I just can't. I just ignored her text. Mature. I know. But, it sent me into a crying and freaking out fit. It's just not fair fit.

The hubs. What a great guy. As I was freaking out, ugly crying, snot everywhere, he just kept repeating that we don't have any control over any of this. He probably couldn't figure out what else to do with me. I was a hot mess. But, in retrospect, he was right.

At first, I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to punch him in the face for saying that. I control my entire life. Every single part. Then, after I stopped sobbing like a freak, I had a Dr. Phil moment. "How's that working for ya, control freak?"

Truth be told, it isn't. At all. So, instead of saying that I quit, because I don't quit, but I do surrender. What happens, happens. If this time doesn't work, it's not the end of the road. There is the next time and the next time and the next time. You get the point. There will also be lots of alcohol in there if it doesn't work, but I only embarrassed my family a little the last time.

After realizing that the timing of my period pushes everything back a week, my plan for using my Spring Break as part of the ET recovery is all mucked up. But, it will be okay. I need to stop trying to control everything and just let it happen. I mean, with the weather, I've only taught eight days since Christmas Break. What's a few more days off?! Right before testing. State tests. That have a 50% impact on my evaluation this year. Yeah. But, seriously, it will be okay. Right?

Saturday, January 25, 2014

It's go time!

She's a lady of the night. I always kinda knew that about her. Good thing I was prepared. CD 1 is here. Of course there are no cycle days, so to speak in an IVF cycle, but day one of my period means bcp and signals the start of our next cycle. I'll be on bcp for 5 weeks, putting ER and ET somewhere towards the end of March. I'm going to talk to my nurse and see if I can be specific for the week of ER. My Spring Break is the last week in March and it would be nice to have ER the week before. If things go like they did last time and we can transfer a 5 day blast, ET would land the week of Spring Break. I wouldn't have to take as much time off and that would be great.

I will call on Monday to get things rolling. Our nurse will start working on our calendar. Then, I have a big decision about who to tell about this IVF. Since I'm missing so much work, I have to tell my principal that something is going on. I'm not sure if I'll tell her everything. I really liked no one bothering me during our FET with questions. People who have sex and get pregnant are really curious about my type of people. They ask odd questions. I realize they are just curious, but I don't ask them how the sex was the night they got pregnant...same idea in my mind.

We aren't telling family this time either. They asked too many annoying and stupid questions. Perhaps it was all of the hormones I was on, but it drove me absolutely insane. So, if you are reading this, because you found it through a search or I gave you the blog address, you are the only people who keep it on the down low ladies!!

It might get a little tricky when I have the ER because we need to be there REALLY early, so we'll need someone to watch Ayden overnight the night before and get him to school. We will most likely lie to the inlaws and tell them I have some weird procedure for my endo. I mean, that's not a total lie. It is a weird procedure and if it weren't for my endo, we probably wouldn't need to do this. So, really, it would just be a slight elimination of the entire truth.

Let the fun begin!

Friday, January 24, 2014

Taking its sweet ass time

My period, that is. I woke up to cramps. Good sign. In the afternoon, there was a little spotting on my liner, in case you wanted detailed play-by-play. So, any minute now...Then, I start BCP and take them for five weeks, but only the active pills. Actually, I'm taking Aygestin, so there are only active pills in the bottle, so that's easy.

I've also been researching supplements to take before/during an IVF cycle. Dr. Google is so full of information. Sorting through it all was tricky, but I think I've got what I need. Since I was off of work today because of the freezing cold temps, I went and purchased everything and even have my first dose in. Some of those darn things are flipping horse pills. Sweet heavens. If they ever go down sideways? Ouch.

For those of you who are also using Dr. Google to look up supplements and came across this blog, here's what I'm taking and what it's for:

1. Fish oil 1000(mg? maybe) w/ EPA/DHA daily- This is for autoimmune issues. I've also read that it can be taken in higher doses, so this might be upped at some point. I'll ask my RE what he thinks first.

2. Coenzyme Q10 (200mg 2x's daily)- egg quality

3. Probiotic- normal dose on bottle

4. Vit B6, B12 and folic acid- normal dose on bottle because this is also in prenatal vitamin

5. Vit D3- normal dose on bottle because this is also in prenatal vitamin

6. L Arginine (1000mg 2x's daily)- egg quality (only 4 of our 18 embryos made it to blast and ZERO of the 3 we transferred implanted)

7. Pycnogenol (60mg daily)- For free radicals/ immune system and egg quality (also recommended for endo patients to help with excess estrogen from environment)

Will any of it work? Who flipping knows. My RE will also have me on a daily baby aspirin. My RE also has me doing the Reactive Uterus Protocol. Seriously. Sometimes, it's called the Angry Uterus Protocol. Yeah. I take 1/2 Xanax in the morning and afternoon with 600mg ibuprofen and then one entire Xanax pill at night with 600mg ibuprofen. He puts all of his endo patients on this because our uterus tend to be a little feisty and extra crampy. True story. This protocol is supposed to calm the uterus. There is a little info online about it, including one study that I found, showing success with it. I did it with the last two cycles and it didn't work, but I didn't cramp, so it did it's job. However, I found that most REs also include prednisone in the protocol. Since I was already going to ask about being on prednisone for my immune system, it would serve a dual purpose for me. We'll see.

Of course, my next many posts (about five weeks worth) will be super horribly boring, I'm sure. But, I'll make sure to update any of the med adjustments as I go incase anyone is looking. Or cares. In the least. Or just for myself incase I have to go through this entire process again and again and again and again. Did I mention that over the last few days I've been pretty negative about this whole thing? No? Well, I am. I don't think it really matters since I was so positive the last time and that didn't really help.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Family Meeting

The day didn't quite end as I had hoped. At 12:30, I received an email from our worker that said the matching meeting went "very well" and the committee was "very excited and impressed" that I was a teacher. I text the hubs, relaying the exciting email. Sounds good, right?

A little after 2pm, we received a forwarded email from our worker that she had received from the boy's worker. Originally, we were told we'd get a phone call. It is the least they could have done. The email said, that while we were a wonderful family, there was another family that was a better fit for Donnie. I can honestly say that I was shocked.

I still had to meet with a parent after school and keep it together. Not easy. In the car on the way home, I lost it. I had a long conversation (more like yelling) with God. Ten years of "no's" is more than anyone should have to endure. Ever. I get that life isn't fair, I really do get that. This goes past unfair. So, I quit. I am absolutely done with trying to adopt. I cannot have the pain from infertility, my own body telling me that I cannot have more children, as well as other people. Granted, they just sent an email so they didn't have to hear the let down in my voice. Assholes. I'm already hard enough on myself for failing, I don't need to hear from others that my family isn't good enough or worthy. I had the thought that maybe we should just try to adopt an infant rather than an older child. Maybe this would be different?

But, explain this to me. There are THOUSANDS of children in foster homes that need an adoptive home. THOUSANDS. We haven't been matched with one. My husband and I have steady jobs, our home is full of love, and we have an empty bedroom waiting to be filled. There are still children waiting, but our home and family aren't "good enough" to help them and love them. So, I quit.

We had a family meeting last night. We asked Ayden how he would feel if we never adopted. It didn't take him very long to say that he was done waiting. He said that waiting five years was long enough. I agree. So does the hubs. Then, like a sign from God, or a slap in the face considering my mood, I received a letter in the mail from the infant adoption agency we had been in contact with saying they were not taking anymore couples for at least six months, maybe more. Decision final. Chapter closed.

While this is all so very sad, it also makes moving forward with fertility treatments an easier decision. If we were matched, I was considering moving the treatments until later in the year or even next year. Apparently, God didn't like that plan. In twenty years, this will all make sense, I hope.

Later in the evening yesterday, we were taking dinner over to our friends' house. They just had their fourth baby. Ironic. On the way to their house, out of the blue, Ayden said, "I will make a good big brother." That was all I needed to hear. We are dusting our asses off and carrying on. Again. I have no issue fighting my own body to make Ayden a big brother. No ten year old should have to be sad because everyone else in his class has a little brother or sister. Now infertility has messed with my kid. No one messes with my kid.

So, today, I'm going to email our worker to breakup with her. Now, we're on period watch...she's late. No, I'm not pregnant. She's decided to play that game again. Whore.

UPDATE: As of 11:31am today, we are no longer an adoptive waiting family. Email sent to worker. I never imagined after five years of waiting, we still wouldn't be matched. I'm a little sad, but I really need to move forward and be able to put all of my efforts into fertility treatments again, without a back up plan. No Plan B here folks.

Monday, January 20, 2014

For real. What you are about to read is for real.

No FET. Going straight for another fresh cycle because who needs money? Not exactly how I intended today to go.

While I am relieved to have a plan in action, I am physically sick to my stomach. For some reason, possibly the intense heartache I endured, I feel like I have failed already. Stupid. I know. I told the hubs that I wasn't planning on being excited for any one outcome over another because I have done that before and I just cannot do it again. So, while I may seem wishy-washy over this, it is merely an attempt to protect my heart.

Back to the appointment. The hubs had to work, so I went alone. How do you know you've been doing fertility treatments for too long? When you go by yourself and aren't upset by it. Anyway, when the RE took me back to his office, I wanted to get straight to the business of what the hell to do with this mess we've made. There was a little small talk: Christmas. New Year's. Blah, blah, blah. Then, he started in all nice. "Well, you had good embryos." Spare me, buddy. I put on my suit of armor today. Let me have it. Then, he did. Be careful what you ask for!

He can't be sure that our one lonely embryo is any good. I agreed. It would be a waste of money doing an FET with just one embryo, in his opinion. He gave me a success of about 30% with one. Ick. When I asked about further immune testing, aside from the NK assay I had done, he didn't think it was necessary at this time. First, my NK assay came back at 7%. Sweet as hell! It needed to be below 15%.  My uterus does NOT eat babies! Hot damn! He explained that this test isn't 100%, but it is a good indicator. The further testing would be thousands of dollars. However, there were a couple of tests he could do on DH's swimmers. He feels that this is where we will find our issue. The test is only $200 and the treatment is cheap. Who knew I would someday call $200 cheap?

So, the plan is to start IVF....NOW. Sweet shit. When I get AF (Should be in the next couple of days. However, we all know it won't be. When you want it to come, it doesn't.) I'll start BCP. He wants me on them for 5 weeks to quiet any endo and get my hormones nice and calm. Then, it'll be like a blur. Hopefully, the hubs has the answer to our issues in his swimmers. Please, please, please. If so, he'll fix that before ER. Easy peasy. If he doesn't have any issues, that's good, too. Then, we'll still complete the fresh cycle, with the plan to transfer two this time. If, heaven forbid, it doesn't work, we will do the immune testing before doing an FET.

It seems so nice and neatly laid out. Most likely, there will be a few wrenches thrown at the plan as we go, but we'll adjust as necessary. As I drove home, I just kept asking myself what the heck I'd gotten into. But, by the look on the hub's face when I told him the plan, I think I made the best choice. At least he is excited this time.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

WTF tomorrow

Tomorrow I finally get to have our WTF appointment. I keep going back and forth about what I should do. FET? Fresh IVF? Do this FET and then switch clinics?

I am strongly leaning toward the last option. I love our office, but if I'm being real, we're not in a relationship. This is a business. I have paid them a SHIT TON OF MONEY and have received nothing in return. I'm not okay with that. Our clinic has the second highest success rate in our state. My next option is going to the best in the state. It's a three hour drive, but I'm okay with that. I think they do monitoring appointments a little closer than that, so we'll see.

I have to use the last frozen embryo in order to move on. So basically, tomorrow I am finding out how easy it will be to break up with our current clinic. And...wherever we go from here, the hubs and I have decided that my hysterectomy will be the Summer of 2015.

After endo hell over the weekend, I'm just done. This gives my body a year and a half to figure this shit out. You have no idea how amazing it feels to finally have an agreed upon end in sight. After the Summer of 2015, I can live my life like a normal person for the first time in two decades. This decision is simply a quality of life decision. My twenties and almost all of my thirties will have been ruined from this disease. I'm done letting endo control my life. This weekend sucked. Huge endo ass.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Busy week next week

We heard from our case worker and the matching meeting has now been moved to next Wednesday at 10am. She said that the boy's worker anticipated that the meeting would last until late afternoon, so to not freak out if we hadn't heard by 3pm even. Easy for her to say.

However, not knowing the outcome of that meeting and not willing to throw all of our eggs in one basket, we are finally going to have the follow up appointment with our RE about our mucked up FET. I'm not sure he can give answers, but I certainly have questions and some demands about going forward. First, we have one frozen embryo left. I need to know if he wants us to just transfer the one or do another fresh and bank a few. I am scared that if we go through all of the meds/process leading up to the transfer of the one lonely embryo...well, if it doesn't make the thaw? I won't be a happy person. We will go with his suggestion on this one, but he had better be really reassuring!

My plan is to press him to add more meds to my protocol. I had a consult with a doctor at SI.RM and it was suggested that with my endo and lack of any implantation over the last decade (minus the one m/c) there is definitely an autoimmune issue here. Ya think? Now, CC.RM doesn't go for the immune treatment. They did want me to do a Lupron treatment for two months before transfer. Uh, HELLLLLL NO! I already have endo. I really don't need to make things worse by adding Lupron. Never. Ever. Not in a zillion years. NO. Even my own RE won't do Lupron to treat endo, thank goodness. Hair loss, weight gain, bone density loss anyone? Endometriosis is an autoimmune disease. Shouldn't all aspects of the disease, including microscopic embryo eaters that live on the cells in my uterus be addressed? I think so.

So, the plan I'm pushing for before we do our FET (or fresh cycle) is to do prednisone, lovenox (or some form of blood thinner), and intralipid infusions. Basically, endo eats little embryos. My uterus is a cavern of hatred. A toxic hell. These meds make it calm the hell down and let the little baby settle in without my body being a raging bitch towards it. The hubs is in agreement. He is fully aware of what endo makes me look like on the outside: screaming, crying, bloated. He can't even imagine what it looks like inside. Yeah. Let's not imagine that. Whore uterus.

Our RE is very open to doing these things, as he's already mentioned them. I just want to do them without having to get anymore tests done. I'm not sure he'll go for it.

Here's my argument: I have endo. I have not been successfully pregnant in 10 years. Nada. Clearly, there is an issue. My gut says it's my endo. My gut has been telling me this for years. Now, listen to me doc or I'm taking my money elsewhere to a doctor that I can verbally force into doing what I say. Not bad, huh?

I think in the three years that we've been with him, he has had plenty of tests run that show I'm a hot flipping mess. What other evidence does he need? None as far as I'm concerned. Lovenox is pretty expensive, so I'm WAY open to other ideas there. We're talking about $900/month. The intralipids aren't too bad since they're only administered every 3-4 weeks or so.

The prednisone? Well, I did the drug study for the company when the drug was first created to be mass produced for the drug company. I always freak out about chirping excessively or gaining a shit ton of weight when I take it. We tested the drug on chickens. And, yes they were aggressive and fat as all get out. Blew up like a blimp. Puffy little bastards. Can't really blame them.

We got to present our findings at a huge drug convention. Sweet stuff. I was on cloud nine and in my element until we were told that the chickens would all be destroyed. Cue hysteria from three college girls. I'm not sure what we thought would happen to the chickens. In the end, we found homes for the control group chickens, but the prednisone-plumped chicks? Gone. If the RE goes for my plan, hopefully I don't need destroyed at the end of this long ass experiment.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

For real?

After the work incident, I figured that it was all uphill from here. Well, good news, my coworker isn't pregnant. Learned that today. But, my SIL is. Yep. Sure is.

Today, the hubs sent me a text asking if I'd talked to his sister. Well, I've been down this road a zillion times. So, without him even telling me, I knew. So, I asked if she was pregnant. I knew it was going to happen, I just wasn't prepared and it caught me off guard. Or maybe it didn't catch me off guard. Maybe I would have reacted the same way even if I was prepared for the news.

This is the SIL that was just married in October. They have been trying for ONE FUCKING MONTH. I know that what I'm about to write will sound so very bitchy. If it sounds like that, you don't understand infertility and you can see yourself right off of this blog. I already feel bad enough for reacting like I did, but I don't really have any control over it.

Life isn't fair. If I was mean, I'd write all of the reasons why I should be pregnant and she shouldn't. Ten years. I'll just leave it at that. You know, if I think about it, that's not why I'm upset. I am mad at my own body for failing me. If there were words that could be spoken or prayers to be prayed that would have willed my body into being pregnant, I've said them.

This is really more about me than her. Inside, I realize that I am so very, very sad. To my core. I hide it most of the time. But, now the odd avoiding will start to happen, as it typically does when someone tells me they are pregnant. First, I doubt my SIL will ever tell me herself. Second, I know that my MIL will want to go on and on and on and on about it and I just can't do that right now. I don't want to be the reason that she can't be happy. So, I feel like I need to avoid people so my own sadness doesn't fall over them. I hate that my failure means that people can't be happy for someone else. Of course, listening to all of their happiness would make me feel like I needed to punch things, so maybe it's better this way.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am excited to be an aunt. Very excited. I'm a first time aunt. Eventually, I will be able to express my excitement, but it's not today. Probably won't be tomorrow. I hate what infertility has done to me. Bastard.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Do the infertile feelings ever go away?

It has been 10 years this month since we started ttc #2. I have tried not to think about it, but today it just all came crashing in on me.

A coworker thought she needed to ask me her opinion on whether I thought she was pregnant even though a zillion tests were negative. A super long story short, I highly doubt it, but she just wouldn't stop talking about her million symptoms. I played nice, although she wasn't so I'm not sure why I felt like I needed to, but I did. What I wanted to say was: FUCK YOU. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE PREGNANT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE?  It was 10 1/2 years ago for goodness sakes. I don't even know what I had for dinner last night.

But I didn't. She has been pregnant three times, so I'm not sure why she felt the need to ask me. She claimed it was because I had a lot of knowledge about it all. Uh, not exactly. We are actually really close, this was just really bad timing I guess.

So, between the stress of the matching meeting getting moved this week (still haven't heard when it will be rescheduled) and the ten year anniversary (more like a memorial for all of my hopes and dreams) and then my coworker, it was just too much. Drinking is the name of the game. 7/7's anyone? Wine? Both? Yes, please.

On top of all that, I got a stupid Fitbit for Christmas in order to keep track of my steps and calories, maybe lose a few pounds. Guess what? I've gained 3 pounds since I've had it. Fuck my life. Fat and infertile. That should be the new title of my blog.

I've read that even after you adopt, the feelings of being infertile always remain. Even after having a baby, you still carry around that title. Fuck this, too. I'm not sure how, but I have got to beat this damn infertile shit.

As I sit here, all pissy and sad, I should write what would make me happy and just fucking do it.  Ok. Here it goes:

1. Adopt an older child. Not as easy as I thought it would be.

2. Another Fresh IVF. I'm fucking nuts, but why not? Who needs money?

3. Run a marathon. Hold up, lady. Now you're talking crazy.

4. Edit to #3: Walk a marathon. Ok. Let's start training... tomorrow. After all, I'll hopefully not even be able to stand here in a bit.

5. Quit my job, wear sweat pants all day, and throw this fucking Fitbit out the window. I might throw the Fitbit out, but gotta work. Love my job and need $ for IVF or raising an older adopted child and Ayden OR shopping for new workout clothes for marathon walking.

6. Speaking of shopping: Buy new sweatpants. The ones I'm currently wearing have a few (dozen) tiny holes in the crotch. These aren't even good enough for won't catch me dead in a Wal.mart. I'm just saying that these particular shitty pants can't be worn there. Yes. They are that bad. And the crotch hangs down to my knees. Judge me. See if I care. I don't.

7. Have a hysterectomy. No more period. Yes. Thank you. I should add that this will be after #2 has been completely followed through on. Otherwise, we're screwed.

8. As I'm being rolled back into the operating room for my hysterectomy, yell at the top of my lungs: FUCK YOU ENDO! I WIN! Can you get kicked out of the hospital for that? I hope not. That will piss me off.

9. After my hysterectomy, start running again. No pain, no bloating, no bleeding to death. That should help, right?

10. Take my huge family to Disney without my lady innards so I can enjoy the time rather than worry about when my ovary will blow up or my uterus will go on strike and try and kill me.

There. That sounds lovely. Let's see what 2014 can bring! Let's admit it: It can't get any worse!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Books to Read if you're Considering Adoption

While we wait for word on our adoption situation, I have been preparing to bring a child home, specifically, one child...although the information will clearly be good for other children. Whatever.

If you are considering adoption, specifically older child adoption, I strongly recommend the book The Connected Child, by: Karyn Purvis. Obviously, I haven't been able to put any into practice with my own adopted child, but I can definitely see how I can even use some of the recommendations with some of my students.

The book explains why some kids have attachment, depression, anxiety, etc through out their lives, both before and after adoption, and then gives real-life examples of how to help the child through these issues. Karyn Purvis also has some YouTube videos that you can watch if that is more your style. Reading can be daunting. Your arms can get tired holding the Ipad...or Nook...or, heaven forbit, an actual hardback book.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


If I would have checked my voicemail yesterday, I would have known that the meeting was canceled today. Oops. His worker will let us know when it was rescheduled after she knows. All that stress and anxiety for nothing.

Nervous Wreck

My stomach is just turning. I have no idea what is going on four hours away where the young boy lives. With the weather as it is, our local Children's Services is closed. Our worker needed to be in on the conference call with the boy's agency before the meeting. Clearly, she probably isn't. I have no idea what this does for us. Also, the child's agency could also be closed, so the meeting might not even be going on. I checked online at closings in the boy's county. It didn't say that Children's Services was closed, but maybe they don't post those things.

Not gonna lie. I called the other agency. It didn't say they were closed. In fact, when the recording said it was transferring me to the receptionist, I hung up. I was just checking. So, are they still meeting? I'm officially a hot mess and need to take a nap to pass time. A long nap. Or a tranquilizer gun. That might work, too.

I'll update with any news I do or don't hear later...

Monday, January 6, 2014

Burrrr and other things

It's -15 outside. For you non-cold state folks, that's insanely cold. However, I'm not sure why they continue to count after it gets below zero. They should just say that it's flipping cold, so stay inside. With the wind, our wind chill is -40. No. That's not a typo. I'm kinda in the arctic tundra. Ok. Not really. Just Northwest Ohio. But, it's similar to the arctic tundra as far as I'm concerned. Due to the temps and the fact that we got 10 inches of snow in one day, school was canceled today and is also canceled tomorrow. Great.

I was actually looking forward to being at work and having my mind distracted all day so I don't think about THE MEETING. Crap. Now, time will go by so slowly. So SLOWLY. The boy's worker said the meeting will probably take a few hours. I mean, I'm glad they're taking their time, but my poor mind and anxiety. The hubs doesn't want to talk about it. He said not talking about it was easier until we hear. Must be nice to just put it in the back of your mind and revisit it whenever you are ready. Not happening here.

Ayden, on the other hand, told me that he wants a 9 year old brother. Well, okay. A little scary considering that is the age of the boy. Honestly, I am fully aware that this is all in God's hand's right now. That gives me somewhat of a peace. Don't get me wrong. I'm still a mental case about the whole thing. I just know there isn't one single thing I can do that will make things workout one way or another. Would driving there to sit outside of the meeting room be weird? How about sending the worker a long list of why she should pick us? Sending a fruit basket? No? I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider some of these things. I wouldn't really do them. At least, I don't think I would. Just say an extra prayer(s) for us if you don't mind.

Don't get whiplash, changing subjects: On a purely greedy note, we have used all five of our weather calamity days. This means, in February, when the weather gets bad, as it tends to do in February, we'll go over our days. More school in June when the kids are so completely done? Sure, why not.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

The interview. Take two.

I tried to hold back the hope. I really, really, really tried. I failed. We had an interview/phone conference/discussion with a social worker to make sure we aren't nuts-o this week. I feel like it went really well. Like, really well.

It lasted two and a half hours. Wow. Time flew. Between the child's worker and me, the hubs got in maybe two words. While he wasn't talking, he was rubbing his head, most likely wishing I would shut up. Wasn't happening. I was intrigued by the information she was telling us. As she was describing this child to us, I could just see him in our family. Not to mention, he is absolutely adorable. Pinch his cheeks. Adorable.

If you are thinking of adoption an older child, look into the book The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. Great read. The boys worker suggested it to us, so I figured it would have some benefit. Not only is it good for adoptive families, but as a teacher, I can certainly see how I can use the suggestions in the book in my classroom.

The matching conference is on Tuesday. I won't get a good night's sleep until then. Please, if you are a praying person, say a zillion prayers for this young boy that he is placed with the family that he is meant to be with. Naturally, I'd hope you'll throw in there a prayer for us to be his family!