Second post of the day. Random thoughts.

This post might seem a little ADD, but I need to get this all down while I'm thinking about it.

First, I heard back from our IVF nurse. Seriously, nicest lady on the planet. She will start working on my calendar and email it to me later this week. Oh boy. She said they'll discuss me tomorrow at the office meeting to decide what exactly to change and keep the same. Most likely, she thinks everything will stay the same since I had a nice response. But, my Follistim dose will be lowered. I forgot to ask about prednisone. It's not like I won't be seeing them a zillion times, so I'll ask the next time I'm there.

Also, she will schedule my ER for the week of March 23rd. She said it made more sense to schedule the ER when I have more time off to recover rather than the ET. She's probably right and since it's her job, I'll let her make that decision. Plus, it gives us a little more time to freak out about what we're doing. And, to get money together. Yeah. Let's just say we're hoping for a HUGE tax return to at least cover the doctor's costs. The rest of the money? We'll figure that out. We did last time.

After I got off the phone with the nurse, I started getting excited. I'm scared to be excited because I now know what I didn't know before doing two transfers...IVF doesn't always work. Go figure! Maybe I'm just being more realistic this time. Not necessarily a bad thing.

Then, I compared my clinic to Colorado and a place in NYC we've been considering for immune testing. Well, I'm not really sure why I didn't notice it before, but our RE has higher success rates for women in my age group than either of those clinics. And, breathe. It might just be okay. I have no idea why I never noticed that before. But, at least I noticed it in time for our new cycle. Otherwise, I would have been questioning every single move my clinic was making, thinking we should be in Colorado. We have something going in our favor!

I told my mom about our IVF. I didn't tell her about the FET, but that was different. My heart was beat up and I needed to not let anyone into my sad place. But, now that we are all more realistic with the outcome of IVF (my mom included) I thought it was safe to let her in my bubble. Plus, I need someone to come and watch Ayden and get him to school when we do ER. She was excited, but sounded more realistic than the last time. I told her that if this one doesn't work, we'd just keep trying. She of course thinks that's freaking nuts. I did, too. But...

I was talking to the hubs after dinner tonight. We signed the paper from our case worker, canceling our adoption file with them. He was happy to do it. I was a little, eh, about the whole thing. I didn't think we'd close that door this way. But, before I signed it, I asked the hubs how much he was willing to do to have a baby. He feels like since it's my body, it should be my say. Well, if I'm being honest, I'd never stop. Some days I say I'm done, but for ten years, I have shown that I'm not okay with quitting. Is this stupid? Maybe. But, let me put it in perspective.

I'm here because my mom tried just one.more.time. It took her five years and lots of procedures and Clomid. Poor lady. Five years. Then, she tried two more years for my brother. That's a total of seven years she had to deal with infertility. If she could do it, so can I. Until my body evicts my uterus, I certainly can just keep trying one more time. Luckily, the hubs doesn't want to quit either. Maybe we're both nuts. I mean, it's already been ten years. What's one more try at this point?!