For real?

After the work incident, I figured that it was all uphill from here. Well, good news, my coworker isn't pregnant. Learned that today. But, my SIL is. Yep. Sure is.

Today, the hubs sent me a text asking if I'd talked to his sister. Well, I've been down this road a zillion times. So, without him even telling me, I knew. So, I asked if she was pregnant. I knew it was going to happen, I just wasn't prepared and it caught me off guard. Or maybe it didn't catch me off guard. Maybe I would have reacted the same way even if I was prepared for the news.

This is the SIL that was just married in October. They have been trying for ONE FUCKING MONTH. I know that what I'm about to write will sound so very bitchy. If it sounds like that, you don't understand infertility and you can see yourself right off of this blog. I already feel bad enough for reacting like I did, but I don't really have any control over it.

Life isn't fair. If I was mean, I'd write all of the reasons why I should be pregnant and she shouldn't. Ten years. I'll just leave it at that. You know, if I think about it, that's not why I'm upset. I am mad at my own body for failing me. If there were words that could be spoken or prayers to be prayed that would have willed my body into being pregnant, I've said them.

This is really more about me than her. Inside, I realize that I am so very, very sad. To my core. I hide it most of the time. But, now the odd avoiding will start to happen, as it typically does when someone tells me they are pregnant. First, I doubt my SIL will ever tell me herself. Second, I know that my MIL will want to go on and on and on and on about it and I just can't do that right now. I don't want to be the reason that she can't be happy. So, I feel like I need to avoid people so my own sadness doesn't fall over them. I hate that my failure means that people can't be happy for someone else. Of course, listening to all of their happiness would make me feel like I needed to punch things, so maybe it's better this way.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am excited to be an aunt. Very excited. I'm a first time aunt. Eventually, I will be able to express my excitement, but it's not today. Probably won't be tomorrow. I hate what infertility has done to me. Bastard.