Thursday, January 30, 2014

I'm sorry...

Whenever we start a new treatment, I always look up IVF blogs to give me hope. During a treatment cycle, I sometimes look up the CD that I'm on, for example 10dp5dt.

If you notice, I've had over 12K views of this blog. (Don't worry. I'll connect all of these random thoughts in one second. Promise.) While I realize that some of you are daily readers or friends that read every-so-often to see what we're up to, today I looked at what phrases or words are used on a search engine that pull a hit on my blog. (Don't worry. It doesn't say how many times each person is viewing or stalking the blog. It doesn't even tell me who is reading it. You're safe.) The most searched for hit was 10dp5dt (first page, second link on Kinda cool!Try it!!), followed by 11dp5dt and beta day. For fun, I decided to read my posts from these three days. Oh my.

So, now I need to apologize for making you sad and not giving you hope during your cycle. You see, when I read blogs, I want to read blogs that give me hope and make me feel like this choice I've made to do IVF is a good choice that will eventually work. Well, I'm going to blame the hormones I was pumped full of, but holy not hopeful blog posts! I am so freaking sorry if you were/are reading this blog looking for happy posts during our last IVF. I must have lost my hope and happiness somewhere.

So, during this cycle, I am going beta or bust. First, I'm doing it for my own sanity. By testing early the last two cycles, I lost hope with six days left until our beta. Who wants to lose hope on themselves? I can't expect other people to have hope for me if I don't have it for myself. Second, I'm doing it for my readers, whether you are a regular reader or just dropping by, looking for hope. At least if I don't POAS, I can offer myself and you a few extra days of hope. If we hit the positive side of this IVF, I'd rather give you nine months of hope. So, while it might make me crazy, going beta or bust is better for all of us!

While I'm so ready to get this cycle going, I need to spend the next few weeks getting myself into a positive place. I need a my mind to really wrap itself around the fact that in my RE's clinic, I have a 55% chance that this will work in my new age category. Yay getting older! Those odds are in our favor. Our RE said that if there is something wrong with DH's newest test and he takes the supplements, he would bump us up to the 60% range. I realize that under age 35, I also had a 60% chance and happened to fall on the other side of these odds. But, I need to embrace that this really could happen. That is a hard thing for me to take in. We've failed so many times over the last decade that it has just become the norm. But, just because it has always been the case doesn't mean it will be the case from here on out. This is only our 2nd IVF. Never thought I'd say "only" before a procedure that costs over $10k. But, we weren't exactly aggressive in our early years. We truly thought we'd just get pregnant on our own. Oops. Wrongo.

To start fresh, I've started a new playlist which I've titled, "IVF #2". I'm so flipping creative. I know. Honestly, it makes me laugh every time I play it because I said I'd only do one IVF. God is a stand up comedian. That's the only explanation I have. So far, here is my favorite song:

This is Bastille's song, Pompeii. I'm not sure if I should be comforted that one of my favorite songs going into an IVF cycle where I'm trying to be an optimist is a song written about a city covered by an erupting volcano. Really. The lyrics were written after a book about the volcano was read. However, as a reading and writing teacher, I always tell my students that an author will have one meaning behind a book or poem, but the reader can bring their own meaning, as well.

So, this might be far fetched, and I'm about to put a little hippie love behind this, but the part of the song that asks, "How am I to be an optimist about this?" isn't so much asking, but giving an order to figure out how to be optimistic, even when a freaking volcano is getting ready to bury you. Clearly, in Ohio, I don't live near a volcano. Thank heavens. But, often, I feel buried by infertility. Maybe it's just my own feelings toward my situation that are actually burying me.

So, "The walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved." Well, they are literally talking about actual walls. Falling. In the beloved city. (Hang on. I'm about done getting all deep with my thoughts.) Clearly, lots of shit has tumbled down as we've dealt with infertility, but I get to decide if I'm going to be optimistic or not. I don't really have it figured out yet, but I'll get there.

Ok. Done.

So, to start, I will be optimistic in what I say about our next cycle. I haven't been optimistic about our treatments since before our miscarriage. That was in 2007, people. True story.

I did actually start this process today. I felt like I needed to tell my principal why I was going to be gone so much in March. Okay, I didn't have to, but I hate lying and I'm quite frankly, not very good at it. She was very sweet and even asked me a few questions that weren't idiotic. But, what I liked, is that before asking me any questions, she asked me if I minded that she asked a few questions. Obviously, I wouldn't tell my boss no, but she doesn't know that. She asked basic questions about the process and asked what the success rate was. Easy answers. Then, I actually told her I was excited. And, I meant it. The statement came out of nowhere and it just fell out of my mouth. But, it felt good to say it. Really good. Because really, the odds are in my favor.

So, if deep down I am excited, I need to work on not putting up a front to protect myself. I'm pretty sure I did this in the past, so that when a treatment would fail (even thought I'd start long before I knew the outcome) I wouldn't have to show other people how upset, sad, and hurt I really was. But, isn't it normal to be sad, hurt, and upset when your dream doesn't come true? For so much of my life, I've had to be strong and hold it all together. The hubs being in Iraq is a prime example. I was horrified inside, but on the outside, I was cool as a cucumber. I rarely slept, but stayed up watching the news, hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but also scared to see what he really was dealing with. I'd put on extra makeup to hide the circles under my eyes. I left my house every single day and went to the mall to shop. My reason? Every single car coming down the road, I was positive it was someone coming to tell me that the unthinkable had happened and I was now a widow. Rather than admitting any of this, we would joke about my obsession with shopping. Granted, that is a true statement, but it wasn't THE reason. Then, he came home. That brought other issues entirely. Feelings kept getting buried and never dealt with. Pretending to be happy? I was really good at that.

While today, I really am happy most of the time, I need to stop pretending that I am not happy and excited about our IVF. I'm scared. This is true. But, mostly, I'm happy. And, if this one doesn't work? Well, I'll be sad about that, but we'll just move on again. The hubs and I need to give ourselves more credit than we do. We have been trough a lot. We are strong, but we need to learn to be vunerable and honest about our feelings.

What I think you all just witnessed was a free therapy session of myself. I knew I got that minor in psyc for a reason.

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