The day didn't quite end as I had hoped. At 12:30, I received an email from our worker that said the matching meeting went "very well" and the committee was "very excited and impressed" that I was a teacher. I text the hubs, relaying the exciting email. Sounds good, right?
A little after 2pm, we received a forwarded email from our worker that she had received from the boy's worker. Originally, we were told we'd get a phone call. It is the least they could have done. The email said, that while we were a wonderful family, there was another family that was a better fit for Donnie. Stab.in.heart. I can honestly say that I was shocked.
I still had to meet with a parent after school and keep it together. Not easy. In the car on the way home, I lost it. I had a long conversation (more like yelling) with God. Ten years of "no's" is more than anyone should have to endure. Ever. I get that life isn't fair, I really do get that. This goes past unfair. So, I quit. I am absolutely done with trying to adopt. I cannot have the pain from infertility, my own body telling me that I cannot have more children, as well as other people. Granted, they just sent an email so they didn't have to hear the let down in my voice. Assholes. I'm already hard enough on myself for failing, I don't need to hear from others that my family isn't good enough or worthy. I had the thought that maybe we should just try to adopt an infant rather than an older child. Maybe this would be different?
But, explain this to me. There are THOUSANDS of children in foster homes that need an adoptive home. THOUSANDS. We haven't been matched with one. My husband and I have steady jobs, our home is full of love, and we have an empty bedroom waiting to be filled. There are still children waiting, but our home and family aren't "good enough" to help them and love them. So, I quit.
We had a family meeting last night. We asked Ayden how he would feel if we never adopted. It didn't take him very long to say that he was done waiting. He said that waiting five years was long enough. I agree. So does the hubs. Then, like a sign from God, or a slap in the face considering my mood, I received a letter in the mail from the infant adoption agency we had been in contact with saying they were not taking anymore couples for at least six months, maybe more. Decision final. Chapter closed.
While this is all so very sad, it also makes moving forward with fertility treatments an easier decision. If we were matched, I was considering moving the treatments until later in the year or even next year. Apparently, God didn't like that plan. In twenty years, this will all make sense, I hope.
Later in the evening yesterday, we were taking dinner over to our friends' house. They just had their fourth baby. Ironic. On the way to their house, out of the blue, Ayden said, "I will make a good big brother." That was all I needed to hear. We are dusting our asses off and carrying on. Again. I have no issue fighting my own body to make Ayden a big brother. No ten year old should have to be sad because everyone else in his class has a little brother or sister. Now infertility has messed with my kid. No one messes with my kid.
So, today, I'm going to email our worker to breakup with her. Now, we're on period watch...she's late. No, I'm not pregnant. She's decided to play that game again. Whore.
UPDATE: As of 11:31am today, we are no longer an adoptive waiting family. Email sent to worker. I never imagined after five years of waiting, we still wouldn't be matched. I'm a little sad, but I really need to move forward and be able to put all of my efforts into fertility treatments again, without a back up plan. No Plan B here folks.