Sunday, December 16, 2012
Many years have come and gone trying to bring you to me. Your angel face has an impression on my mind. Your precious newborn scent. Will you be petite like you me? Your eyes, as blue as the sky, a window into your mind. Telling me: Thank you for never giving up on me. For being a strong woman who doesn't quit a dream. Knowing that a mother's love is strong. It never quits her child. Even a child she has yet to meet. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am determined. I am your mother although you are not in my arms. I will not stop until you are here. Being loved by me. Being loved by your adoring father. Being loved by your patient brother. God has sent me a new challenge. I thought I was done with those. But, he knows my strength. He knows my soul. He knows that I will not quit. He knows I'll be okay. He knows that I'll trust in him to lead me on my way to you. I know it pains you lord to see your child hurting. I know your intent is not this. Some people face challenges and it changes who they are. I am more faithful in you. I have to be. I feel you carrying me now as my own strength is starting to fail. But, from you, I will find new strentgh. I will find a new will to fight. Deep inside. And I will carry on. Because you have created my soul to be a beautiful determined soul. I am a fighter. I have a ring that I wore during my fertility treatments with a bible verse from Jeremiah 29:11. My treatments happened to fail, but I continued to trust in the bible verse on my ring. I do trust in you Lord. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
This week has been quite a whirl wind. After receiving my biopsy results from my gyno, I was told that I had a high grade dysplasia. She said a lot of other things, including that if it wasn't treated quickly, it would turn into invasive cancer. I was confused. So, after digesting that information over night, I called her the next morning. She explained that within two months, I'd have a big mess on my hands. She wanted me to make an appointment to have a LEEP procedure with my gyno. However, there weren't any appointments available until February. Uh, that's two months idiot. So, I asked to be referred to a gyno oncologist. She gladly did and she quickly faxed my papers over to them. They were able to see me the next day. So, we drove the 1 1/2 hours to the big university oncologist office. I was sick to my stomach, but somehow had taken a step outside of myself so I could better hear everything that was said. But, the surealness of it all is unexplainable. The doctor was so kind. He listened. I needed him to hear that my fertility was very important. And, we're finally two months away from IVF. I also threw in that my health was also important so I didn't sound like some desperate infertile. But, after nine years, I am. After his evaluation, we moved into his office where he explained that what he saw was pretty concerning. I'm at a CIN III/Cancer stage 0. Meaning it hasn't spread, at least from what he could see. It seems to be confined to my cervix. How much? Not sure. Didn't ask. Didn't really want to know at the time because I knew that the answer to that would determine the rest of my fertility journey. Which pissed me off. He is going to do a cold knife conization. Basically, cut it all out. Have a biopsy done on everything. He'll also biopsy some of my endocervical cells to see if the cells have started spreading up my cervix rather than just staying toward the end. If they have? Goodbye cervix and uterus. It makes me want to throw up. And punch someone in the face. If it has only stayed on the end of my cervix, he'll just cut that out/off. Then, the only issue is a weaker cervix during pregnancy. There is a high risk for preterm labor and 2nd trimester loss because of this. Lovely. And, if he does only need to take a little of my cervix, the healing time before we could even try ivf would be 6-12 months. Yep. Why the fuck try. It's just another way to say that life is unfair. Which doesn't even partially explain how I really feel. It's a bunch of crap. It's not that life isn't fair. It just doesn't make sense. Don't tell me that this is all part of God's plan. Because it's not. If you believe that, then you also have issues. I am no more or less worthy of having a child than any other person I know. So, if you tell me it's some kind of plan to let me suffer a little more, I might flip out on you. And, don't tell me that's it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay for you. Sure, I probably won't die from all of this and that's great, too. But, emotionally, it's not okay. I am much more upset over the fertility than I am the cancer. It will be cut out. End of story. My heart will never heal from any of this fertility shit because there will never be a last chapter. It will just keep going on and on and on until I decide that I'm done. The only blessing will be if the world does actually end on Friday and I won't have to worry about any of this anymore. It has to be what hell is like. Misery. Over and over. Oh, not enough misery? Was that a smile you almost had? Oh, well, here's cancer. Let that destroy any hope you had left. Now, live with that the rest of your life. Yeah, I call your bluff if you claim that's God's plan.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
First, we finally fixed our computer, so YAY to easier blogging! Not much to catch up on, but what I thought was the flu, apparently wasn't. For the last week-ish or so, I've been sick to my stomach from the time I wake up until when I go to bed. Then, later in the week, my bones started to hurt and, well, the poo was a little different if you get my drift. But, I never got to the point where I would consider myself sick. Just, getting sick. Then, I remembered. Not sure how I forgot. As if my body isn't already a disaster area in need of help from FEMA, I got my pap results back and they were abnormal. Lovely. So, last Friday, I went in for the doc to look around with this microscope thingy. Not a big deal at all until he found what needed bioposied. Great. Procedure itself wasn't bad. I walked like a truck had driven out of my crotch for the next day or so, but other than that, I was fine. The results were supposed to take 5 days. Well, today is day 6. I guess I didn't realize I was worried about the biopsy results, but knew I'd be a little bit of a mess over my upcoming m/c anniversary next week. Even though it's been 6 years, this time of year is still rough. At this point, we still had a heart beat. So, yeah. I take from Nov. 13- Dec. 13 to beat myself up a little over how it was my fault, which we know know after the surgery in January, is indeed the case. So, load the worry from the biopsy on top, anxiety central. I've lost a considerable amount of weight from all of it, too. Which, because I'm a typical vain woman, can't say I dislike. Plus, it helped me make my WW final goal weight which I been trying to do for three years! Yay me! I celebrated by downing 1/2 a bag of potato chips. Maybe this explains why it took so long to get to goal? Anyway, when I hear, I'll update. This week is the anniversary date. I always wonder if we had never heard it's heart beat if it would still be as painful. Knowing that it was a healthy baby, heart beating away, just implanted on my septum which could not sustain life past a certain point. Yeah, it's just another way to beat myself up. Women are quite good at that, aren't we. I thought about looking at my m/c as a sign from above that there was something wrong with my uterus, which we were told before was fine. Although it took six more years to find a doctor to figure out the septum was indeed there, we still found it and will hopefully have a successful pregnancy with our upcoming IVF. That scenario is much less painful, but it's still hard not to blame myself. Oh well. God has a plan. I'm not sure what it is right now, but hopefully it will all fall together soon enough. Right now, I'm working hard at being happy and cheery for Ayden and getting this house full of Christmas Spirit! I do LOVE Christmas and being with family and friends. They always know what to say, or better yet, when to not say a word, to make you feel better.