Flu...or not?

First, we finally fixed our computer, so YAY to easier blogging! Not much to catch up on, but what I thought was the flu, apparently wasn't. For the last week-ish or so, I've been sick to my stomach from the time I wake up until when I go to bed. Then, later in the week, my bones started to hurt and, well, the poo was a little different if you get my drift. But, I never got to the point where I would consider myself sick. Just, getting sick. Then, I remembered. Not sure how I forgot. As if my body isn't already a disaster area in need of help from FEMA, I got my pap results back and they were abnormal. Lovely. So, last Friday, I went in for the doc to look around with this microscope thingy. Not a big deal at all until he found what needed bioposied. Great. Procedure itself wasn't bad. I walked like a truck had driven out of my crotch for the next day or so, but other than that, I was fine. The results were supposed to take 5 days. Well, today is day 6. I guess I didn't realize I was worried about the biopsy results, but knew I'd be a little bit of a mess over my upcoming m/c anniversary next week. Even though it's been 6 years, this time of year is still rough. At this point, we still had a heart beat. So, yeah. I take from Nov. 13- Dec. 13 to beat myself up a little over how it was my fault, which we know know after the surgery in January, is indeed the case. So, load the worry from the biopsy on top, anxiety central. I've lost a considerable amount of weight from all of it, too. Which, because I'm a typical vain woman, can't say I dislike. Plus, it helped me make my WW final goal weight which I been trying to do for three years! Yay me! I celebrated by downing 1/2 a bag of potato chips. Maybe this explains why it took so long to get to goal? Anyway, when I hear, I'll update. This week is the anniversary date. I always wonder if we had never heard it's heart beat if it would still be as painful. Knowing that it was a healthy baby, heart beating away, just implanted on my septum which could not sustain life past a certain point. Yeah, it's just another way to beat myself up. Women are quite good at that, aren't we. I thought about looking at my m/c as a sign from above that there was something wrong with my uterus, which we were told before was fine. Although it took six more years to find a doctor to figure out the septum was indeed there, we still found it and will hopefully have a successful pregnancy with our upcoming IVF. That scenario is much less painful, but it's still hard not to blame myself. Oh well. God has a plan. I'm not sure what it is right now, but hopefully it will all fall together soon enough. Right now, I'm working hard at being happy and cheery for Ayden and getting this house full of Christmas Spirit! I do LOVE Christmas and being with family and friends. They always know what to say, or better yet, when to not say a word, to make you feel better.