Sunday, December 16, 2012

Whirl wind week

This week has been quite a whirl wind. After receiving my biopsy results from my gyno, I was told that I had a high grade dysplasia. She said a lot of other things, including that if it wasn't treated quickly, it would turn into invasive cancer. I was confused. So, after digesting that information over night, I called her the next morning. She explained that within two months, I'd have a big mess on my hands. She wanted me to make an appointment to have a LEEP procedure with my gyno. However, there weren't any appointments available until February. Uh, that's two months idiot. So, I asked to be referred to a gyno oncologist. She gladly did and she quickly faxed my papers over to them. They were able to see me the next day. So, we drove the 1 1/2 hours to the big university oncologist office. I was sick to my stomach, but somehow had taken a step outside of myself so I could better hear everything that was said. But, the surealness of it all is unexplainable. The doctor was so kind. He listened. I needed him to hear that my fertility was very important. And, we're finally two months away from IVF. I also threw in that my health was also important so I didn't sound like some desperate infertile. But, after nine years, I am. After his evaluation, we moved into his office where he explained that what he saw was pretty concerning. I'm at a CIN III/Cancer stage 0. Meaning it hasn't spread, at least from what he could see. It seems to be confined to my cervix. How much? Not sure. Didn't ask. Didn't really want to know at the time because I knew that the answer to that would determine the rest of my fertility journey. Which pissed me off. He is going to do a cold knife conization. Basically, cut it all out. Have a biopsy done on everything. He'll also biopsy some of my endocervical cells to see if the cells have started spreading up my cervix rather than just staying toward the end. If they have? Goodbye cervix and uterus. It makes me want to throw up. And punch someone in the face. If it has only stayed on the end of my cervix, he'll just cut that out/off. Then, the only issue is a weaker cervix during pregnancy. There is a high risk for preterm labor and 2nd trimester loss because of this. Lovely. And, if he does only need to take a little of my cervix, the healing time before we could even try ivf would be 6-12 months. Yep. Why the fuck try. It's just another way to say that life is unfair. Which doesn't even partially explain how I really feel. It's a bunch of crap. It's not that life isn't fair. It just doesn't make sense. Don't tell me that this is all part of God's plan. Because it's not. If you believe that, then you also have issues. I am no more or less worthy of having a child than any other person I know. So, if you tell me it's some kind of plan to let me suffer a little more, I might flip out on you. And, don't tell me that's it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay for you. Sure, I probably won't die from all of this and that's great, too. But, emotionally, it's not okay. I am much more upset over the fertility than I am the cancer. It will be cut out. End of story. My heart will never heal from any of this fertility shit because there will never be a last chapter. It will just keep going on and on and on until I decide that I'm done. The only blessing will be if the world does actually end on Friday and I won't have to worry about any of this anymore. It has to be what hell is like. Misery. Over and over. Oh, not enough misery? Was that a smile you almost had? Oh, well, here's cancer. Let that destroy any hope you had left. Now, live with that the rest of your life. Yeah, I call your bluff if you claim that's God's plan.

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