Puzzle pieces

They are everywhere. In my heart, I know where they are coming from. The hubs would think I was nuts if I told him. They started appearing on December 12. I knew I wasn't alone and this December 13 anniversary wasn't going to be as horrible as the past few were. 

When I came home from work on December 12, at the bottom of the porch steps was a small puzzle piece. I didn't think one single thought about it. Well, I did think it was odd, but I just left it there. I didn't pick it up. I just stepped over it and walked inside.

That evening went on like normal, not giving the puzzle piece a second thought.

December 13, I woke up to get ready for work and my first thought was of the puzzle piece. That instant, I knew who it was from. However, like a true non-believer, I asked this soul to add another puzzle piece somewhere so I knew it was really from them.

As I headed out of the door that morning, I looked down at my feet, and there, right next to the first piece was another. You can't make this crap up. I gasped and instantly put them in my pocket. Imagine my surprise when I got to my car and right outside of the car door was a third piece. Yeah. Amazing.

Just today, while cleaning up the house, I was picking up stuff from the dining room table and, you guessed it, another puzzle piece. So cool.

I don't know how you all feel about the afterlife, heaven, and God, but I am definitely a believer. I also believe that our loved ones come back to visit. Mine come often. I know I've mentioned it before, but mine are here a lot. A medium once told me that I have "the gift", but I have to choose to work on it if I want to make sense of everything. I'm not up to that. I'm perfectly happy with how things are now. I cannot see/hear/feel anyone whom I never knew. So, it's not like it would be helping people. But, it does comfort me.

Most important to this blog, our lost babies are near us and if you let yourself, you can feel them. It happens differently for everyone. For me, if I close my eyes, meditate for a few minutes and think of our baby, I feel her with me. They grow up in heaven, but they are still learning lessons from us here on Earth. You can think I'm crazy. That's fine! I realize that I sound nuts, but oddly enough, I'm not...at least not with this topic! I hope this brings you some peace this Christmas season.

Shopping three days before Christmas. Not for the timid.

I have been working on being kinder, overall. Sometimes, this applies to the people I come in contact with, but mostly, while I'm in my car. Seriously. I have huge issues in my car.

So, when I was driving to the mall with Ayden today, I told him that my New Year's resolution (which I think is a crock because I always break them, hence why I'm starting early) is to be kinder to people. He asked, "Including while you're driving?" Yeah. It's that bad. Even my 10 year old sees it.

I mean, if people would learn how to drive, because I'm sure it's them, not me, we wouldn't have this issue. On the way to the mall, I did okay. Only a few outbursts. Then, we spent four hours shopping all over hell's half acres. The ride home wasn't as successful. Ayden scolded me. So, I threw in a few "Merry Christmas to you" after I hollered at the idiots driving. To which I was so kindly reminded that not everyone celebrates Christmas and I was informed that I was failing miserable at my kindness resolution.

This is why I start early. I need some time to get into it. The idiots around me also could use a few driving lessons. Seriously. And, they're usually from Michigan. Idiots.

I'll just try again tomorrow. In the meantime, I need yoga. Or a drink.

Here we go, again!

I'm not sure what I have posted here about our most recent adoption situation...but, we are now, as of today, one of four families being considered for a 9 year old boy. There were about 100 homestudies to start with, so being one of four? Not bad! The final placement meeting is in January, which is just right around the corner.

Before the meeting, his worker wants to have a 1-2 hour phone conference with us so we can ask questions about the boy and she can get to know us a little better. I'm not sure how you can get to know someone in 1-2 hours, but we'll try to give her a good idea of who we are and what our family is like.

It's funny because I told the hubs that if we weren't selected for this placement, we'd move onto infant adoption, after putting back our one lonely embryo, of course. I was sure that out of the gazillion homestudies, we wouldn't be selected. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just trying not to get my hopes up again. Don't get me wrong, we want this boy. But, admitting that, then being told 'no'? Well, that would suck. I've already placed him in our home and, well, he just fits. We'll just have to wait and see what his worker thinks.

If you don't mind, send up a few prayers for us and the little boy. I really want him to go to the best placement. But, I so hope he gets to be a part of our family.

Making Memories

Today, Ayden had his Christmas concert at school.

There in the front row, wearing the blue, button-up shirt, recorder around his neck, is my little guy! See the look on his face? You can almost hear his thoughts, right? I'm sure he threw a few "watermelons" in there. He was LESS than thrilled. Clearly. And the recorders? Well, those are a 4th grade right-of-passage. Every year, the 4th grade gets to play their recorders. The audience simply loves this part. It's a similar to fingernails on a chalkboard. Only, when it's your kid, you find yourself saying, "Geez, that's pretty good."

After his concert, we decided to make homemade chex mix and watch a Christmas movie. The movie was really stupid, but it didn't matter.

There we were, making memories. Amazing Christmas family memories. Some of my favorite childhood memories are from Christmastime with my family. I hope that Ayden can someday look back and remember all of this the same way I am experiencing it now.

After the dumb movie, we played Yatzee. I got my butt handed to me, but whatever. Still fun. All in all, today was one of those days where I was very thankful for everything in my life. I adore days like this.

I wonder if my newest outlook has to do with my recent yoga-ing practice. Today, I killed a backbend like a teenager. That's right. Here in my living room. Backbend. Bam. I would get into how I conked my head on the floor trying to get out of it, but that isn't really the point. Point is, I am gaining some kind of peace with yoga, as well as a concussion, but it is carrying over into all parts of my life. This is after only a little over a week of taking it back up. Not bad. Go hippie yoga!

And, on a side note: If you love chex mix, I HIGHLY recommend making it at home rather than buying it. So.much.better. I promise.

Christmas is coming!

This is, hands down, my favorite time of the year! I LOVE everything about it. This year, I was  thinking back to last year and my cancer scare. I was in such a dark and scary place that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I was terrified that I would lose my cervix and never be able to be pregnant again. Scary.

Granted, I may never actually use my cervix again at this point, but at least I got to keep it. Well, 1/2 of it anyway. Whatever. Point is, this year, I'm not sick to my stomach thinking the worst about my health and I'm enjoying eating all of the holiday shit. Last year, I was so sick to my stomach with worry that I couldn't eat. I lost a LOT of weight. Maybe 10 pounds in a month. I'm 5' tall, so it looked like a lot more. I won't say that I didn't actually enjoy that part...I could wear clothes in a size I hadn't seen since college.

Well, I'm happy to announce that all 10 pounds are back. Great. While I'm not fat, I feel fluffy. Out of shape. Gross. So, I started exercising. I have to be careful though because, according to my naturopath, my adrenal system is shot from stress. Imagine that. So, I can't do anything more than walking and yoga. Fine with me. I love yoga and walking doesn't hurt the way running does. I'd rather run, but I also like my cartilage. I'll give it up while my body heals itself. Fine.

Let me brag for a minute: Today, while doing yoga, I did the crow pose. That's the real shit there. My family saw it, so it really did happen. Here's what it looks like:

 Now, it was literally for one second. Maybe two. Not the point. I did it. The hubs was impressed, as was Ayden. That's right. This old lady still has it. So, while I wait on my body to cooperate, I will continue to twist myself into weird poses and brag that I can do them. Hey, if I can't make babies, at least I have something to look forward to, right?

Friday the 13th

I survived another year of December 13. Only this year, it was on a Friday, so everyone and their brother felt they needed to keep bringing up the date. Nice.

Honestly, I thought about our baby when I woke up in the morning and told myself that it would be okay. The day would be fine.

The day carried on as usual, only I was extra pissy and couldn't figure out why.

After work, I went shopping for Christmas and there were so many people. They made me want to punch them. What was with their holiday cheer? Ass munches. Clearly, I was still pissy.

When I got in my car to head home at 7pm, I remembered, again. Then, I felt guilty for forgetting about our baby all day. Cue waterworks.

It was 7 years ago when we lost our last pregnancy. I haven't been pregnant again, but not for lack of spending shit tons of money. Go failing uterus. On the way home I was so angry that our baby was taken from us. Like, I will go to heaven and bring him/her back to my house and no angels, God, or anyone else could stop me. But, my GPS couldn't pick up on the address:

Baby Cupples
7 Years Long Rd.
Heaven, Up There, N.O.W.-Please

So, I came home and wallowed in my own pity. But, I did get some pretty awesome Christmas gifts. At least I have that going for me.

This week. I hate this week.

I'm not sure when it gets easier. Having a baby with a perfect heartbeat one day, but losing the baby the very next day. Someone told me that time heals the pain. I often tell people who are miscarrying the exact same thing. But, I think it's a lie that I just hope will come true someday.

Time just makes you not think about it as much. Rather than daily, it's more like weekly. But, this time of year, it is all day, everyday. It makes me so angry. So.very.angry. It just doesn't make sense. It was seven years ago and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I'm not going to dwell here about my inner demons from my miscarriage. I just can't right now. I just wanted to post where my mind is right now. It's not in a good place. I'll be okay in a week or so. But, for the next week, I'm not promising that I'll do anything other than just try and get through each day, one minute at a time.

Oh endo. You suck.

That period was a freaking killer. I think my uterus was trying to kill me. Kill me. After taking 8 naproxen and 4 Tylenol  last Tuesday to no avail, the hubs convinced me to call my doctor.

I hate, hate, hate, hate calling. Like, I'd rather die from painful uterus death syndrome than call. But, he eventually convinced me. I got "the nurse". She judges me. Do I have evidence? Nope. It's her shitty tone. I think she judges me and my uterus. She can have my uterus. And the pain it brings for all I care. Just give me drugs lady. I'm dying over here!

After her judging tone, she said she'd talk to the doctor, but since I hadn't been in for about a year, she doubted he would give me anything. Oh. Yes. I forgot. Drug addicts typically go a year in between drug heist calls. Silly me.

Clearly, my doctor, who I shall call "Angel in Disguise" (AD), called her bluff and called in the big guns. He said this is not a job for T3. He is very right. I didn't even try those. Can you say horrible headache from hell? Well, trust me. It's not worth it. AD is my Thanksgiving hero.

After a few days in Endo Hell, I feel like a new woman. How many more years of this can there possibly be?! Can you say hysterectomy as soon as this uterus is done procreating? Yes, please. Sign me up.

On the adoption front: No news. Still waiting to hear from our worker. Like usual. She is in no hurry. No worries. We all just getting older and older and older. No really. Take your time lady.

On the ttc front: No news. I have to wait 3 months for my body to decide it wants to function. Fun times taking herbs to nudge her along. Can you say, "Nasty Herbal Burps"? Ew.

In the meantime, I've already realized that my next period should be here right around Christmas. Oh, lucky me. Only endo patients worry about that. We also can look at pictures and give you an idea of our pain level on that day, if we were on our periods, along with lots of other endo related information. Interesting fact of the day. You're welcome.

Nice timing...

My naturopath said give it two weeks...take the entire bottle and you're period will come. Once again, she's right, although I wasn't done with the bottle. I was expecting another week off from the hell of my period.

Sitting at my desk grading papers today, I started getting cramps. Odd. Felt like period cramps. Couldn't be. I still get a week off, damn it! Two hours later, taking my morning potty break, SWEET FLASHBACK to my teenage years. There it was. Covering my pants and undies...the.bitch. For freaking real?

Luckily, we have a stash of lady products in the work restroom. Even luckier, I had on a long sweater today. Yep. You read that right. I cleaned myself up, pulled my sweater over it, popped some aleeve and Tylenol and carried on with my day. Bloody pant mess and all. Honestly, the cramps aren't too bad. Yet.

So, now that the witch doctor was right, the hubs is ready to try to get knocked up naturally. Isn't he funny as fuck? Gotta love him.

I've been in LOTS of contact with our caseworker about a couple of cases and the hubs is ready to get pregnant. Um. Yeah. Not now. I need a break buddy. I guess he forgot about the witch doctor also telling us to wait for three months for things to really regulate themselves.

I'm also starting an adoption blog. I'm hoping that the hubs will write a little there, also. He has some strong opinions on the topic and maybe it will help other perspective adoptive fathers. Maybe not. Maybe it's a terrible idea and the hubs will never write. That's more likely. But, it's worth a shot.

Lots of updates in a short time frame!

My naturopath appointment went well. I mean, my body has completely shut down from all of the meds, but at least I have a plan. Basically, she could tell that I ovulated, but my progesterone never rose after.

This is a little scary. My progesterone has always been really low, even during pregnancies. So, the fact that now it isn't even there? Scary. I'm hoping that my body can reset itself and start to create it's own hormones again. Really, it's been over a year since I've had a period of my own, so I shouldn't really be shocked. But, considering I'm usually very regular, this sucks.

So, the witch doctor has me on these herbs for two weeks, as well as a TON of other things because the IVF meds have completely shutdown every single hormonal function in my body. After a week on the new stuff, I'm starting to feel like myself again. Finally! Once I stop the progesterone herb, I should get my period within two weeks. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Then, we discussed our lone frozen embryo. Our plan is to get my body back in check over the next three months and then transfer in the Spring. She said that if the embryo is of decent quality and my body is back in balance, it's our best shot. The hubs and I are very comfortable with that plan, so as of now, that's where we're headed.

As we wait for my  body to decide to function again, we are still looking at adoption. Really, we've never stopped. But, our caseworker is more determined than ever. She has been sending our homestudy out like a crazy lady. We are very interested in an older child adoption, as in, the older the better, but not older than Ayden, so that is in our favor. Not many adoptive families want the older children, which I don't understand, but I guess it isn't for everyone.

And...Now I'm 35. In fertility land, we all know what this means. Does it apply to everyone? Probably not, but the doctor doesn't really care. Although, C.CRM said that I'm "young", so I happen to love them :) But, according to charts and research, it's not a good thing. In my head, I cannot even fathom that we have really been trying this long. I NEVER thought that at 35 I'd still be trying to complete my family. NEVER. My plan was to be done, done, done and have my innards ripped out at 35 so I didn't have to deal with endo anymore. I liked that plan.

But, I the hubs doesn't want me ripping things out that we still need. I get it. But, if they don't bounce back from this madness, they're getting pitched at 38. That's all the longer I'll give them to work. I was on the treadmill the other day and I can tell that things are all stuck to each other again. I can't even tell you how badly I want to workout and not be in pain. For me, it's a quality of life issue.

We have enough meds to do another complete fresh cycle. Our naturopath doesn't want us to do another complete cycle. She said if we're working with her, we could very well have a higher quality and be left with LOTS of frozen embryos. I'm not sure why she thinks this is bad. Doesn't she realize that this is an infertiles dream? I'd rather have lots to work with than just one lonely guy (or girl). Plus, we want a big family. See blog title. So what if I'm old(ish)? I'm not sure that I'm against being pregnant in my 40's, nor do I think it's impossible. So, she'll just need to get over her idea. We.want.lots. That's the point of spending 10k, right?

Still late.

My period is still MIA. Really, it's not a huge deal, except we're going to the witch doctor on Friday, so I'd like to have things over with by then. I'm sure I'll start on my birthday this week. Oh joy.

I've had cramps for most of the last two weeks, but nothing today. So, that makes sense...my body is messed up. Maybe if I keep peeing on things it will show up. Usually, that trick works. Not this time. Whatever.

Don't get whiplash, I'm changing subjects.

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day. Don't forget to thank a vet. They earned it and so much more. Here's my favorite vet:

This picture was taken on December 12, 2003. This is, hands down, my favorite memory ever. Not that my cheesy smile wouldn't have given it away. The hubs was being interviewed by our local media, who had also traveled hundreds of miles to welcome these guys home. Seriously, being there is even better than it looks on TV.

Still waiting...

on AF that is. My longest cycle ever has been 36 days. But, that was just once. All of the rest are 28 days. Clockwork baby. And, then we did IVF. F'd things up. And, my hips still hurt from the PIO.

Is that even normal? While we were in Texas, I decided to use the workout facility at the hotel. I love working out, but only seem to make time to actually do it on vacation. Go figure. When I was running on the treadmill, my hips ached. Seriously, it's ridiculous. I did my last PIO over a month ago. When we started our FET, my hips still hurt from my fresh cycle. But, it's not where the injection went. The pain has "settled" more in my actual hips.

I asked the nurse about it during our FET and she said the muscle is all connected. I really have no idea, so I'll just go with it. I can't imagine that the pain lasting this long is normal, but I suppose it could be. Not much about me is "normal" anyway.

I didn't have to work today since it was conference week. So, I spent the day reading (errr, skimming) a book about adult ADHD. I went undiagnosed as a kid, not that my mom didn't mention the possibility repeatedly to the doctor and my teachers, but in the '80's, girls didn't really get diagnosed with it. So, I spent my entire life (up until the last couple of years) dealing with it myself. Not fun.

The meds I take can't be taken during pregnancy, so I spend time on them, off of them, on them, off of them, on them...you get the point. So, we (my doctor and I) are finding ways of dealing with the craziness when not medicated. It's not the ideal situation, but it's what I need to do. I hear ya. Lots of people are all, "Oh, ADHD meds. What a cop-out" or "ADHD is an excuse". Not the first time I'd have heard it and I usually say them to myself, until I was finally correctly diagnosed. No one knows how the meds actually work, but holy amazingness. It's like putting blinders on a horse. The change in quality of life is absolutely worth it. Get this, I'm not stupid. Flighty? Only when not on my meds. Otherwise, I have a brain and it's useful. Go figure.

The book has some great ideas, but they seem like a lot of work. (That's ADD for ya there!) So, when we go see the witch doctor later this week, I'll ask her for some ideas, too. Maybe she can do some wand waving action and cure me...kidding, but it would be nice.

Ready, set: Wait for the plan...wtf ever

Seriously. I really wanted to get into our RE for our FET WTF appointment sooner rather than later to figure out what my plans will be over the next few months. CC.RM is waiting for a return call after our appointment here. There are some tests that our doc can do, so that will save us time and maybe money.

Well, we can't even get in until January. For the love of holy shit. Unfortunately, since I took a week off of work for my SIL's wedding, I don't want to take another day off. So, the only time I could get in is MLK day. I'm off for two flipping weeks in December and he isn't there anytime that I can get in. For fucks sake. Moving on or pausing? Bloody crap.

So, in the meantime: My period is late. Nice right. Yeah. I've had cramps for about a week now. Last week I had some bleeding. For a day. Then, done. Implantation bleeding? Would I be that girl? I can just read the news headline now:

"Couple tries IF treatments for a decade. All Fail. Fall pregnant naturally while on vacation in Texas."

Okay, that's a long headline. But, of course, because I'm not normal and suffer with crazy IF brain, the hope was there. I did ovulate in Texas. How do I know? Oh. Well, my innards were screaming with their all too familiar endo pain, "HEY: WE'RE LETTING ONE LOOSE!" Then, the rest of the day was spent in pain. That's how I know.

And, now, here I sit, 4 days late. Yeah. Not just one day. Four. Oh, don't worry blog readers, this isn't changing suddenly into a "Miracle Pregnancy" blog. I'm so very not pregnant. How do I know? One left over hpt from our fet cycle said, "FUCK YOU BIG IDIOT!" Typically, just peeing on the stick brings on AF. Not this time. Nope. Still cramping. Fun times here.

However, before all of the late AF shit and after making our WTF appointment for next century, I made an appointment with the witch doctor. Like I said before, the hubs was all for it. I'm in a "whatever" kind of mood. Maybe it will get my whacked out hormones back on track. Clearly, IVF drugs have messed this body up.

Definition of Insanity

Doing the same thing over and over again. We are insane.

Ready to move on from the insanity of RE appointments, yet having a phone consult with CC.RM, being drug along for months for an adoption match that never was...we constantly question if it's time to give up and just move on.

Then, I happened to come across a article about not quitting. Damn it. The hubs keeps bringing up the witch doctor, which is funny because he's the one who made fun of me seeing her many years ago. But, she worked. She is the only one who worked. Unfortunately, I m/c'd that baby, but it wasn't from what she had done.

I played tennis through out my childhood. My biggest regret was quitting my senior year in college. It has always haunted me. I was the only senior on the team. At the time, I was mad at the coach, yada, yada, yada. Young girl problems. My fear is that in 20 years, I'll have a new regret. Quitting this dream.

The consult with ccr.m was great. We learned a ton, but we were also left with a lot of questions. How far are we willing to go? I am 100% sure that if we weren't blessed with Ayden, we'd fly out to Colorado tomorrow. However, I have emotionally missed out on so much of Ayden's life because I'm always looking for our next fertility fix or my endo is so bad that I just can't be present. It's a horrible thing to look up and see a 10 year old in front of you and be sad that you couldn't give him a sibling. But, he's okay. We're okay.

That being said, we are definitely not quitting. I've always said that I'll try until my parts rot and fall out. When I'm emotional after a failed cycle, I often second guess that decision. But, after having time to think, I'm always ready to get back in the fight. But, this time, I need to do what allows me to enjoy my time with my son. I'm not sure what this will be. I do know we have one totsicle left. I also know DH wants to try the witch doctor before moving on to another IVF cycle.

So, maybe for once, I'll listen to him rather than try to figure it out myself. Clearly, my ideas haven't worked. If nothing else, the massage I can sign up for before my appointment with her will be worth it!

Calling in the big wigs

If you would have asked me 10 years ago whether I'd do IVF, I would have given you a definite, "no". However, here we sit, one failed fresh and one failed frozen, and only little frozen guy left...

So, what do you do then? Call CC.RM. The best of the best. The people who have the answers when no one else has a clue what is going wrong.

Today was our phone consult. I LOVED the doctor we picked. After carefully reading the bios online, I decided on Dr. Surry. Truly, I knew it was going to be between two doctors, but Dr. Surry's bio mentioned endo, making the decision easier.

From the moment he called, he made the hubs and I feel like he really wanted to help. He listened and offered tests we hadn't done yet, which was the point of this consult in the first place.

He clearly thinks that my endo is causing implantation issues. We had 4 high grade embryos. None implanted. There is a biopsy that can be done, but his idea was to forgo the biopsy and just treat me like the protein that should be there isn't because I have high grade endo. One less test? Ok!

Of course, he mentioned testing the hubs' sperm with a different test than he's had done and this was something our RE here mentioned doing, as well. So, I think we'll go ahead with that, too. There is a possibility of not having any good embryos and that being the cause of the implantation failure, so he obviously recommended testing of our embryos.

In my mind, I just saw dollar signs adding up. I was pretty sure that the hubs was seeing the same thing. I'm not sure we'll do IVF with them right away, but we need to do the newer tests.

We decided to at least go through with the ODWU (one day work up) at ccrm and go from there. We just really want answers darn it. And, Dr. Surrey said that clearly something is being missed or is going wrong , but he said that after 10 years, something should be happening. He is hopeful because we haven't been trying aggressively for 10 years, so we haven't run out of options. That made us happy. He did recommend being pretty aggressive from here on out because, even though we're young-ish, I'm a hot endo mess!

Overall, it was a great meeting and I'm so freaking happy that this place exists. There is one more place in the world that might give us answers. Ten years ago, I'd have though you were completely nuts if you'd have told me I'd be going to the top place in the country to try and have a baby. But, I am so thankful that it is an option.

Drug through the mud

They decided to keep the little boy with the foster family he is with now. To say this is a surprise is a huge understatement. We were told all along that this was never going to happen because they are old. They are in their 70's. We were told they would be looking at the long term quality of life for the little boy. He is only 15 months old. So, they'll most likely not be around for most of his life.

I absolutely want what is best for him. To say this is what is best, I'm not sure. I feel like we have been lied to for three months and to say that I'm pissed is pretty accurate. Our worker felt horrible because she was floored herself. She said the meeting went on for 2 hours and there was a lot of arguing about the issue. I know that things happen for a reason. If you can explain this reason, have at it.

I'm just exhausted. I'm beat down. Ten years this December, we've spent chasing a dream, like idiots. I was ready to give up and just be done. But, then the hubs checked the expiration date on some meds I had promised to donate to someone just starting the whole RE thing. I had already read the box and it said they expired in May of 2014. We'd never use them by then. But, the hubs checked them as he was putting the ice packs in the cooler this morning before mailing them out and realized that the date on the actual meds don't match what is on the box. So, he called the company. They really expire in Sept 2015. So, he refused to mail them. We argued about this, too. Fun times. So, now, not only was I feeling like shit from earlier in the day, now I'm an ass.

On top of that, the hubs' boss is an complete jerk. I won't get into it here, but he's a horrible person. He treats my husband horribly and I've had it. It's so hard watching him get treated so poorly and not being able to do anything about it. I'm so over that, too.

So, the day before vacation has been one of the worst days ever. The plan for vacation is drinking and crying. And, now the hubs is excited to do another IVF since we have all the meds here already left over. Great, something else I can fail at. I can hardly wait.

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow we'll get the call. To say I'm nervous would be quite a true statement. To keep from thinking about it, I've been cleaning our house like a crazy lady. At least it will be clean when we get home from Texas!

If you can spare a prayer or thought, we would so appreciate it!

Skinny Mirrors

I needed to get a few last minute things done before we head to Texas. First up, getting a strapless bra. I'm not here to brag, but my girls are ample. I wear a 32DDD. No, that's not a typo. Yes, these are nearly impossible to find. Try putting these ladies in a strapless bra and the darn thing just slowly falls down around my waist after a couple of hours. So, I needed a good one.

Luckily, Vickie's Secret carries that size in a few of their bras. The lady helping me, Abby, was ready to help me blow $60 on a bra and quickly filled her hands with a couple of choices. She said she'd be happy to help me see if it was the right size after I got it on. Oh, hell no. You're not looking at my girls, perv.

The first one I tried on was the wrong size, but as I looked in the mirror, I was impressed with how long and lean I was looking. Wow, this no carb diet was really helping my gut! So, I proudly called the lady in my dressing room to show her the issue with the bra, while also showing off my hard work, and flat gut. Staring at my middle, I smiled and she ran to get the correct size.

It fit like a glove. I looked skinny as hell. Yeah. Good work self. I felt freaking awesome. I told her I needed to try it on with the dress when I got home to make sure, but it would probably work. Most likely, after a couple of hours, it will fail the ladies, but I'm used to that. I was just so darn proud that my week of starving was paying off.

When I got home, I took the dress and new bra to my bedroom, ready to take another look at myself. Yes, I am apparently vein. Hey, if I can't have more kids, at least I get my body. So, suck it! And, then, I realized that I'd been taken for a fool.

As I stood looking at myself in the mirror, I realized that Vickie's clearly uses skinny mirrors. Not the cheap kind either. The kind they use actually make you glow. They made my legs look long and lean, which should have been the first clue! Standing in front of my own mirror, my gut laughed and laughed. Or was that a wiggle and a jiggle? Damn you skinny mirror. So, next purchase: Span.x.

Random thoughts

Today, I've been in a weird mood. Pissy maybe. I think every once in awhile, the fact that 2 IVF procedures failing just hits me and makes me really flipping mad. No, I would have never forgiven myself if we wouldn't have tried. But, I wish I didn't have to spend $15k more in a six month time period. In the long run, I'm glad we did. But, I would have rather gone to Disney or HHI. I could have gone on a crazy shopping spree. Like, really crazy.

This week, work was exhausting for many reasons. Mainly, trying to get ready to be in Texas for most of next week is insanely time consuming for a teacher. I figure that I'll spend at least 10 hours getting my sub plans together. Fun stuff there. I'll be more excited for vacation once I get that part done.

I think getting away next week is just what we need. Get away from the place where the last few months really sucked. Lay by the pool. Relax. Wear cowboy boots to a wedding. Not my idea. No choice. Probably Definitely not something I'll ever do again. But, it's happening folks. Heaven help me.

Less than a week...

Then, we'll know. We'll know if he is to be our child. The final matching conference for the boy we are being considered for (now with 5 other families. The number keeps changing.) is next Monday. I'm not sure when they'll call or not call or email or not email, but hopefully we have news, good news is preferable, by the end of the day on Monday.

Tuesday we leave for my SIL's wedding in Texas. So, it would be so very nice to have good news to take with us on that trip. We so deserve good news. After ten years, we deserve a freaking break. Hopefully, the matching committee will see how special and amazing my little family is and they'll pick us.

Less than a week and we'll know. This, my friends, has been the longest 2ww ever. Ever.

I googled myself...

This was posted in my college alumni magazine in 1998. I had NO idea it even existed. Go me!

Led by junior Tracy Karr, the women’s tennis team finished fifth in the OAC. The Lady Muskies compiled a 4-4 record in duals against conference opponents.

Karr, from Portsmouth, posted a 9-3 record at No. 1 singles. She advanced to the championship match at the conference tournament with straight-set wins over opponents from Otterbein and Ohio Northern. In addition to Karr, sophomore Lori Clark of Zanesville posted a 7-4 record at No. 4 singles, while senior Heidi Garinger of Columbus went 6-5 at No. 5 singles and sophomore Amanda Turner of Reynoldsburg was 4-3 at No. 6 singles.

After reading this, I called the local tennis club and set up private lessons! Bucket list, here I come!

Bucket List

Not knowing when our FET cycle will start, but knowing that it's quite a few months away, I think I'll start compiling my bucket list. I've put most of these things on hold for the last decade. You see, when you live life in two week increments, there isn't much time to do anything other than think about if you're ovulating and if you do ovulate, you think about not jarring things in there too much so something can stick and grow.

Clearly, not doing anything hasn't worked for me, so I'm over it. Here is the start of my list. I plan on adding to is as I think of things I'd love to do, so for now, this will be the short version.

1. Run a full marathon. I trained for one once. Found out I was pregnant with Ayden the week before the race and was told by my OB that I couldn't run it. Bastard lady.

2. Volunteer with my family at a homeless shelter.

3. Tell Ayden every single day how much he means to me. Make sure to include how miraculous it is that he is even here, minus the gross details that I'm sure he doesn't want to hear.

4. Drink more wine. This week, I've definitely made up for lost time.

5. Eat dessert more often.

6. Order dessert for my actual meal.

7. Enjoy the small things.

8. Own a Mastiff of some kind. The bigger, the better.

9. Walk my dogs more.

10. Spend two weeks in Hilton Head with my family.

11. Take a honeymoon with my husband.

12. Adopt a child (or children) and stick with the plan for no FET until we've adopted.

13. Go to a casino and actually gamble, even if it is only a few dollars!

14. Visit my family more often.

15. Take tennis lessons and play in a tournament.

This is just the start. These are things I've wanted to do for a really long time. I'll update you as I go!

It doesn't even make sense.

How in the world did we conceive Ayden? Seriously, it doesn't even make sense. After doing fertility treatments for the last gazillion years, I wonder how it even happened naturally. I even had a septum then. So weird. I was even training for a marathon when we got pregnant. Go figure. Now, in the 2ww I won't even walk around the block. Or drink. Or have sex. Or relax. You get the point.

So, on finding myself. I still like to shop. I've done lots of therapy shopping this week. It has been fabulous. I got a great deal on a North Fa.ce. Did I need it? Nope. Don't care. I also bought a new suitcase. Did I need it? Yep. The hubs got drunk and peed in our old one a couple of years ago. Long story. Funny, but long. Ayden has also been gifted with 5 new shirts, a football, a football kicking thingy, a new game, a couple of books, and some science thingy I figured he'd like. Someone needs to rein me in. But, I did kind of enjoy just blowing money and not having to save it for treatments. That was nice. I'm going on vacation in two weeks, you say? I should save the money for that? I'll worry about that later. I do at least have a suitcase now...

Just for my own future reference, after doing a fresh and a frozen cycle, I'm up 10 pounds. So, the "gain 5 pounds per treatment cycle" theory still stands. Now, I need to figure out how to lose the 10 pounds before the wedding in two weeks...not possible you say? Well, I'm gonna try. Here's to being hungry!

FET #1. Over.

I haven't exactly been honest with you all, but it was for a good reason. Since August, the hubs and I have been doing a FET cycle. I blogged in a secret blog that I didn't post for the entire time. I'm not sure if I'll ever post it, but maybe someday.

What you need to know is that we transferred 2 perfect embryos on September 20th. They were perfect. Right now, I am drunk. So, you can pretty much figure out how the cycle ended. BFFN. Again.

Interesting things I learned about myself this time:
1. I can do my own sub-q shots. Piece of cake. Did them all.
2. I am the tits. I also did quite a few of my own IM shots. That's right. I grew balls this week. Big.IF.balls. Even the hubs was impressed.
3. IVF/FET is a crock of shit. 70% chance of success my ass. Well, I guess that is still possible. We just fell in the 30% of failures. Imagine that.
4. IF still sucks huge donkey asshole.
5. After taking Xanax, you only need 1 1/2 glasses of wine to get drunk. This might prove important later in life.
6. I keep going between quitting and not quitting.

Number six is shocking to myself. By the time the nurse had called with our blood test results (at 5:00pm...never a good sign) we had already made an appointment for a phone consult at ccrm. Damn it. I said I was done. But, then the hubs looks at me. I mean, really, what else do I have to do but fly my ass out to Denver? Live life? Maybe.

We also dropped off a grant form to our current RE to complete 'if' we decide to do another cycle with them. By the time the nurse called, she said he's already filled it out and they put it back in the mail to us...I really do love this office. Like, a lot.

All the way to the appointment today, I had talked myself into this "I'm strong, I'm not gonna cry, this isn't the end" talk. Then, as soon as we walked back to the blood draw lab, my favorite nurse asked if I'd tested already...cue ugly cry. She hugged the living shit out of me. And, I loved it. I'm NOT a touchy feeling person. But, this hug. Damn it. I needed it. So bad. Then, as she drew the blood, I cried more. She kept saying that it isn't over until the blood results are back. Nice of her, but I'm not a newbie here. It's over. The hubs took me to Target and after a little Starbu.cks, I was feeling a bit better. Get this, I didn't even cry when the nurse called. Yep, I'm the tits. I was also full of anxiety meds. Maybe this helped?

So, where am I mind wise. Great question. Right now, I'm super. Tomorrow, I'll have a headache and regret tonight. I'll never in a million years regret all the treatments. What I would have regretted would have been never trying. We still have one frozen embryo left, but lets be real people. They've already put 3 perfect ones back. My body killed them. It doesn't take a scientist to hypothesize the outcome of this poor fourth one. I kinda just wanna keep him/her frozen forever so we can say we have him/her. I know. Not possible. But, if I ran the world...

I have kinda lost myself over the last decade. I mean, I know where I am. I'm right here. But, who is inside? I haven't really worried about this for awhile. So, after making our ccrm phone consult, the hubs put a 20 day time frame on talking about anything fertility.

So, I guess the sex will be strictly for sex sake. Weird. How does that work again?

Feeling down

Today is a down day. I'm not going into much detail here, but please, please, please, if you read this blog, just say a prayer for us this weekend. This weekend will either be amazing or...not. I've never prayed so hard in my entire life. This weekend, I give it all over to God.

More details coming soon. I promise.

I earned my stripes!

I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar! I LOVE this song and it's been on repeat on my ipod for a few weeks.

Enjoy!

Tough times, made easier with Grace

Tonight, my dear friend asked me to go on a walk with her. She was stressing and needed to vent. Little did I know, on this walk, we'd run into an acquaintance walking with her husband. This acquaintance was walking with her husband, three curly hair girls, and her swollen belly. Yep, she is having her 4th baby in the amount of time that we've been trying for one.

Typically, I can tell myself that everything will be okay. I don't want what she has. I mean, I do want a big family, but just not her family. Well, today she found out that her 4th baby will also be a girl. Four girls. Get this, she was crying. Sad as heck. Feeling like she let her husband down. As she was complaining to my friend and I, my blood pressure started to escalate. I just couldn't understand. She started telling me that I could have her 4th baby (joking of course. But, who hasn't heard this if you've been trying for a baby?!) and I had first dibs on her uterus. Seriously?

Now, not only was I ticked, I was offended. Where was her empathy for me? At one point in this conversation, I realized that I was talking about "boy" stuff and instantly stopped myself, realizing that I might be upsetting her. I have more empathy than a normal person though, so she maybe didn't even notice it. But, for freaking real. This was my evening.

But, as I sat there, putting up with the same stupid "you can't get pregnant" comments, I instantly thought about the Grace I've been working on finding. And, ya know what? If freaking worked. I realized that it really will be okay. But, strangely enough, I realized that I am so blessed. For the first time in ten years, I have something in my life that she is jealous of. But, I certainly am not happy about this for her sake. It just helped me realize that I am so blessed. God's Grace has blessed me beyond belief.

Are we in a pregnancy rut? Yep. Can we get out? Absolutely! I have complete faith in God that the desires He put in our hearts will soon be answered and better than we could ever imagine.

I also realized that infertility has blessed us. This other couple has "accidentally" gotten pregnant all four times. They have never known the desire and years long want for a child. Our love for our totsicles has been growing for ONE DECADE! That is a lot of love! My heart is overflowing with love for babies we haven't even conceived yet. This couple? Well, they are upset with their gift. It makes me sad for them.

For the first time in ten years, I know with 100% accuracy, that I am blessed and it's only by the Grace in my heart!

What a week!

Education is certainly changing. Not only do educators have the start of the year stuff to deal with, but with the state legislators thinking they know how to run our classrooms...well, it's been hectic with the new mandates. I won't get into it because it's boring if you're not an educator and includes multiple acronyms that I don't feel like explaining on a Friday night. Let's just say that the field has changed drastically in the 13 years I've been in the classroom and the changes aren't making it better for the kids.

Aside from working myself into an early sleep each night, not much is going on around here. Ayden started the 4th grade and he loves it. So, between school and football, this is one happy kid. He is getting a little more sarcastic, which cracks me up! He got it from me and I'm just so darn proud!

Well, I'm off to take a nap and then go to bed.

Blessed.

Sometimes, I need to pause. Just pause and express how blessed I am. I'm so very blessed. My husband and I have stable jobs. We've had the same jobs since we graduated from college. I have my dream job teaching in an urban school. I get to live my dream every.single.day. Working with teenagers is hard work. It's made me a little goofier over the last 13 years, but I wouldn't change it for the world!

My biggest blessings are my husband and my son. They are so amazing. Let's face it. At times, I'm flat out nuts. Fertility meds make me rather insane. They both still love me. Thank goodness. I'm not sure how I could get through my days without them.

In a strange way, I'm blessed to have endo. I mean, if I could get rid of it or choose to live without it, I certainly would. However, I can tell you that it makes me more compassionate to others who are in pain. The little girl who, for two years, once a month, would curl up on the floor behind my desk at work, writhing in pain. Yeah. I got it. I talked to her mom. She didn't get it. But, I did. Because of me, that little girl knows YEARS earlier than I did that the amount of pain she is going through isn't normal and eventually, her mom took her to the doctor. Yeah. That was worth my pain because I hopefully saved her from years of pain and hopefully saved her fertility. That made me feel blessed.

Sometimes, it's the little things. Like, having food in my kitchen. I know, first hand, many children who go entire weekends without eating. Can you imagine? Me either. There is also that weekly gas tank fill up. Expensive. I have students who are late to school because their parent can't afford gas that week. That's the real world people. These things are happening right under our noses. In America.

I am so lucky to be blessed. I'm not more deserving. I don't have better luck. I'm not sure why I have been blessed. But, because I am, I just needed to show my gratitude for all of my blessings. Sure. I am having a terribly difficult time getting pregnant again. But, with all that I do have, I can hardly feel like life is unfair. My time is coming. Our baby is coming. But, in the meantime, I need to be more thankful for what I do have.

I hate country music, but love this song...

I would actually not just die for it, but be run over by a speeding semi. Or train. Or cut off all my fingers. Or toes. Definitely my second toe. It's freakishly long.

School cancelled already??

Fog. I guess it was awfully foggy this morning. Can't get those kiddos on a bus in fog. Bonus: I got to sleep in! I had plans to be productive today. If you consider shopping online and eating lunch productive, than it was a successful day! I needed a lazy day. The start of this school year has knocked me on my butt! My kids are great, my schedule is awesome, but I'm just flat out exhausted. My night usually consists of napping, eating dinner, going to bed. Now that Ayden has football practice, we throw that in there somewhere.

He is LOVING football, but one of his coaches is a jerk. These kids are in 3rd and 4th grade for goodness sakes. He yells at them like a mad man, even telling one kid that he was going to kick him so hard in his butt that his foot came out of his mouth...seriously? Not sure how we're going to handle this one. The hubs plans on going to the next few practices to watch this madman in action. He is also pretty good friends with the coordinator of the youth football program...so...he might accidentally let it slip. When they're older? Sure. Threaten to shove your foot up their butts. But, this young? He's asking to be attacked by crazy mothers now.

Then, get this: They sent most of the first year 4th graders down to the 3rd grade team. Seriously? Cutting/Dropping kids at this age? Come on! Luckily, Ayden stayed on the 4th grade team. If he would have gotten moved, he would have been ticked! All of his friends are on the 4th grade team. There are a ton of boys playing, but there has to be a better way. The coach sent a text to all of the parents with the names of the kids who were "cut" from the 4th grade team. Come on. What an idiot. I'm thinking he missed out on the empathy gene. Jerkface. This momma bear is on overprotective status now!

Today, my little boy started 4th grade! I can't even believe that he's already in the 4th grade! He looked so darn handsome this morning. So grown up. I tried to savor each and every single moment that he's been in my life. I thought it would make time slow down. It sure didn't. Life goes by so fast.

He said his teacher is funny, pretty, and smart. So, I asked him if it was just like hanging out with me all day...you can imagine his response.

So tired.

Last week was my first week back at school. I have been so.very.tired. As in, I nap for two hours and then go to bed. I forgot how tiring the beginning of the school year can be. So, other than school and sleeping, not much has been going on around here.

I did get my dress for my SIL's wedding. I'm her Matron of Honor. It's absolutely beautiful and I can't wait to wear it. The cowboy boots I'm supposed to wear with them? Well, I'm not sure about those. I've owned zero cowboy anything in my life. As far as I'm concerned, country music is like nails on a chalkboard. Maybe worse. I'm so excited for my SIL, but cowboy boots? Come on!

Chunky Chicken Broth

I am a picky about my chicken broth. Shortly after making the change to a whole food diet a couple of years ago, I learned how to make my own (which is stupid easy) and won't buy it ever again. So, with the Fall coming quickly and soup season upon us, I figured it was time to stock up on broth. While it's not difficult, it is time consuming. So, after making a whole chicken in a crockpot for dinner a couple of nights ago, I put all the chicken bones and other parts back in the crockpot, filled it to the top with water and set it on low overnight. It always smells like Thanksgiving in the morning. Yummy!

So, yesterday, I spent the day straining the broth and skimming the unwanted parts out of the broth. Again, not hard, just time consuming. This morning, I was ready to skim the fat off the top and I noticed a huge chunk of fat right under the surface. Odd. This had never happened before...so I gently scooped it out with my skimmer...to my horror, upon lifting the skimmer out of the broth, there was a tail. The object was heavy. So heavy. When did chickens get tails?  That's when I realized what was before me.

It wasn't a bone. As I squinted my eyes and looked closer, I felt a blood curdling scream rolling through my insides. Once the screaming began,  I couldn't get it to stop. Ayden was now concerned. It appeared to anyone not in the kitchen, that I'd cut a finger off or lost leg or was being attacked by a wild boar.

"A mouse!" I yelled through muddled words and tears. Oh. I can't even explain the horror. A mouse had committed suicide in my broth. I need to decontaminate my eyes so I can forget that horrible image!

No more or less confident than before

Our interview was yesterday and after having 24 hours to think about it, I think it went well. Our worker came with the CASA worker and we just sat around the table and laughed. The CASA worker asked us about our parenting style and why we wanted to adopt and that was about it. I think she just wanted to make sure we weren't complete nut jobs. There are three families that are being considered, including us, and we were the first interview. Hopefully, we left a lot to live up to!

Even though the interview went well, the lady was hard to read. She was so nice and easy to talk to, but she wasn't letting anything slip. Yes, we tried. Our worker bragged about how much she loved us, but in the end, she isn't the one making the decision. So, we won't have any idea about how things went until the end of October. Heaven help us keep it together until then.

This time next week, I'll be back at work, so I'll have something to keep me busy. Hopefully, that helps time pass faster. Between then and now, I'll be having a root canal. Nice. At my appointment yesterday, it was pretty obvious this is where I was headed. I can hardly wait. I hate the dentist.

Anyone have an ice skate?

In the Fall, (which it may as well be since I'm back to school in a freaking week), I love cooking. Okay. Truthfully,  I really love eating. But, I feel better about eating if I'm the one cooking. Unfortunately, the peeps I live with are beyond picky when it comes to things they put in their pie holes. Today, I didn't care. I made things that only I would eat. More.for.me!

I spent the entire afternoon making applesauce, potato salad (which is amazing!), and no-bake cookies (which the boys love and are eating the crap out of. Note to self: Hide these next time.). As my bake fest drug on, I noticed that my tooth, that was only sensitive to cold last week, was starting to throb. Eh, figured it would stop. So, I crammed my face full of my food creations. Tooth: throb, throb, throb.

Four ibuprofens and two ty.lenol later, still throbbing. It's so bad right now that I'm contemplating taking an ice skate to it like Tom Han.ks did in Cast.away. I really, really, really don't have time for this right now. Like, NO TIME. At all. No matter, I'm calling the freaking dentist tomorrow. I hate going to the dentist. There's something about people cramming their hands in my face that puts me off of the entire experience. Gross.

Tomorrow the CASA worker is coming to our house for our interview. I should probably go clean up the kitchen from my cook fest earlier. Wish us luck!

Up late. Napping soon.

Of all the times to get addicted to a blog, I pick the night before I know we're staying out late. Then, I couldn't even sleep in. Great. I'll need a nap. Soon.

I was Goo.gling FET success stories (because why not become more obsessed with getting pregnant) and I came across this blog and couldn't stop reading it. First, she's flipping hilarious. I remember when I was funny. At this current point (and for many points before this very point) I don't find my current situation funny. A cluster. Yes. I find it to be a cluster. But, I'm not laughing. Crying? Yes. I do that. And, speaking of crying, if you decide to read the blog above, you will cry. If not, there's something seriously wrong with you. Maybe therapy will help you find your suppressed emotions?

In reading this blog, I realized that, crap. It could be so.much.worse. And, by worse, I mean the kind of bad that makes you cry the gut wrenching cry when dreams are ripped from your arms. The kind of cry I did for days years after my miscarriage. So, in this blog, she's hilarious and her life is sucking all the life out of her (and me as I was reading it) but I was addicted to her grief. And, her swearing-like-a-sailor attitude. That was addicting, too. If I didn't feel too guilty, I'd adopt the same attitude. I always have a fear that my dad will walk in behind me as I'm dropping the F-bomb. He lives two hours away? Oh. Well, still. Pent up guilt from my childhood. Now, don't get me wrong. If someone cuts me off when I'm driving? Let them fly. But, once Ayden turned three-ish, and he repeated the F-bomb? We ceased all forms of swearing.

So, I was up until 2:30am reading this and sobbing. But, then she lost a lot of weight. She looks adorable. Yay her! Because nothing tells life to suck it like a great weight loss. Or a hair cut. After our failed IVF I cut all my hair off. Think I'm kidding? 10" donated to Loc.ks for Lo.ve. Which I ended up not being able to donate because it was "bleached" to a nice beachy blond. So, I cut my beautiful hair into this bob that I can't pull back and it's in my face all the time. I should have just tried to lose the weight from all the IVF drugs.

What I'm trying to say is if you decide to read this, you'll be up late. So, don't be an idiot like me and start to read it at midnight. And, keep tissues close by. I didn't have any near me so I used my sleeve.

But, seriously? Life could be so much worse. So.much.worse.

Pregnant Women are Smug!

I can't wait to be smug :)

Just have faith.

It's all I can do. I'm terrified to do an FET. It's our last chance. The only thing I have to lean on is my faith. I have faith that God is in control. He has to be. I never would have done IVF if he wasn't.

 

 

If I were in control, our IVF would have worked. Heck, we'd have been pregnant years ago if it was up to me. God has a bigger plan for my life. His plan will bring me amounts of joy that I have only dreamed of. God, I'm putting all my faith in you, drawing my hope from you, and trusting in Your plan. 

The stuff life is made of! My "baby" thinks he's a man...

Ayden's first football scrimmage was tonight. He did a great job! Let me preface this entire season by saying that my baby boy is NOT aggressive. He is an only child. He never has to fight with a sibling for toys or attention. So, after the hubs and I forced him to try football, I told the hubs that I'd be shocked if he liked it since he is a pretty calm little guy. Well, to say he is aggressive is an understatement. I think he has years of pent up aggression and finally has an outlet that won't get him in trouble! At this age, most kids, before tackling someone, tend to pause and then fall into each other. Not my calm baby boy. He attacked the crap out of the other team. His coaches told my father in law that they are really impressed with how he plays. (Cue mom gush!) I hope this isn't a sign of future anger management issues...I kid, I kid. The best part, his team won! They look pretty good, if I do say so myself! No, I'm not biased in the least.

Here is my "baby" boy (who happens to be almost as tall as me, which isn't saying much!) before his game:

Handsome, right? And for fun:

Lucy ready for the game

 

Scout ready for the game!

 

No, they did NOT like this. But, they're so patient and adorable! After the game, Ayden announced, "I feel like a man now!" Well, I'm not ready for that, so too bad kid!!

Interview is set!

The CASA liaison called today to set up our interview! Rather than going to the CSA offices, she is coming here with the child's worker. So, let the cleaning marathon begin, again. I feel like we just did this for our homestudy update! But, this time, there is a certain excitement while we're cleaning. As I dust off the nursery/toddler room, there is a bit of hope that fills the room. God is hard at work.

As I was talking to the CASA lady, I almost laughed at our situation. For nine years, we've waited to do IVF and for 4/5 years we've waited to be matched. Now, here we are, with both in the horizon. It doesn't even feel like my life. The timeline for all of these events prove to me that God is in control, not me. First, two days after we found out our IVF didn't work, we got a call from our case worker (CW) telling us about this little boy. We decided to put our FET on hold while we pursued the adoption. After we decided to wait on the FET, we heard from our CW telling us that there was a family member who was interested. We were bummed, but it gave us a reason to start our FET. The day I called our RE's office to tell them that it was cd 1 and I was ready to get my calendar set up, our CW called to inform us that the family member was no longer being considered and we would be hearing from the CASA lady to set up an interview. Wow. So, now I have the adoption to distract me from the FET and the FET to distract me from the adoption. I trust that God is in control because if it were me, I would never even consider doing both at the same time. His plans are much greater than mine and I'm excited to see how these next few months end!

Our interview is this coming Tuesday at 12:;30. Please put us in your thoughts and prayers.

Adoption Related News!

I received a call from our case worker yesterday. She said that the random family member will not be able to adopt. So, while that's great news for us, I can't help but be a little sad for the family member because I know what it feels like to be told "no" when it comes to having children. I understand that, obviously, this is what is best for the little boy, but my empathetic self can't help it.

So, we will be hearing from the (I swear I just typed "our" instead of "the"! Wow! That was crazy, unintentional, but just felt right.) boy's CASA (court liaison) to set up an interview. We were told that the CASA worker is very direct and abrasive. Oh joy. She will want to know what our plans for child care will be and what our plans are if both of us die. Fun thoughts. She also wants to know about our family. I'm really starting to question why we did the home study considering all of that info is in there. But, it will be nice to tell it to someone rather than have them read it, I guess. We are one of three families being interviewed. Wow. We have a 1/3 chance of being matched. This is big! This is the closest we've been in this adoption process.  If I could be brutally honest, without feeling like I was being offensive, here's how I'd answer the questions and what I'd say to the CASA worker:

Dear CASA worker,
     We are a wonderful family. We don't have many serious moments and laugh about everything, and I do mean everything. We love being together. We don't really care what we're doing, we just love doing it together. We love our son. We would die for him. Likewise, we would do the exact same for "this child" because we do anything to protect each other.
     The hubs is a police officer. He loves his job, but prefers to be with his family. He is the kindest man you will ever meet. He is a war vet, which means he is always on high alert when with his family. He would do absolutely anything to keep us happy and safe. He works harder than anyone I know. He does this because of us. He is my own hero.
     As for me, I am a mother to the core of my being. I love nurturing children and enjoy everything about being around lots of kids. Being a middle school teacher lets me do this everyday and I wouldn't change that for the world. Being a teacher is also in my soul. I crave it. As a mother, I yearn to watch every moment my child is in this world. I love watching him grow and learn new things. From a young age, I wanted a huge family. I always envisioned myself with nine kids. Call me crazy, but like I said, I love children. I assumed that the hubs and I would have all of our children in our 20's and we'd spend our 30's and 40's raising them and traveling together. Adoption is our way of creating a large family.
     If I could, I would quit working to stay home with our family. Unfortunately, that isn't possible. I can take a few months off, but it's 2013 and life is expensive. I have a CRAP TON of student loans to pay off...welcome to college 21st century style (Thank you Master's Degree). So, I will work, like many other mothers. But, don't let that fool you. While I'm at work, my desk will be covered with pictures of my family. When I am grading papers, I will glance at the pictures and smile. My soul will be full. I will rush home to love on my children with my whole being. My house might only get cleaned once a week and laundry might pile up, but I'm okay with that. I'm too busy spending my time with my family, making memoires, traveling and learning together.
     If, heaven forbid, something happens to my husband and I, our children will live with my brother. He is single and has a great job with amazing benefits. He is also a veteran, so I know that he has what it takes to raise a family because he was taught how to not run away, but to help his loved ones when times are at the lowest points. But, best of all, he is surrounded by family. There are four grandparents to spoil our children and help them grieve. But, since you asked what we will do if we both pass away, I promise you that every single second that we're in heaven, I will spend watching over my children. I will be encouraging them and be their loudest cheerleader. My husband will protect them as though he never left them. They are what make my soul sing. They are my everything.

Sincerely,
Hopeful Adoptive Parents

The final matching conference is on October 21st. That is decision day. It seems so far away.

Just living life.

Today, I took Randine Lewis' advice and just lived my  life. I actually said to myself, "What would make you happy now?" Myself answered, "Eating chips." So, I did. Not what she meant? Oh. Well, this is only one small example.

 The hubs, Ayden and I went shopping for back to school clothes. First, we had lunch. I asked myself, "Do you want the low fat dressing?" Guess what? Self didn't want low-fat. She was up for the real deal. It was so incredibly delightful! When we were shopping, I realized that the hubs and Ayden were absolutely miserable. So, I told them they could stay in the car and I'd go in the next store alone. This was also heavenly. Before I knew it, my arms were full of clothes for Ayden...and myself. Hey, I asked first. She said, "Yep, you need those pants, blazers, shirts, and sweater." I'm only following the advice of Dr. Lewis. I forgot how happy shopping makes me. While we were saving for IVF, I didn't really just spend money for the sake of spending money. It was fabulous! My closet is smiling.

So, I realized that the recipe to my happiness in life equals: full-fat dressing, shopping for myself, and potato chips. Not too shabby, huh?

Stop struggling up the mountain. Live in the Valley.

I have always approached my own "in"fertility as a struggle up a steep mountain that I may never get to the top of. But, do I want to be at the top? Isn't the top where it's cold and everything is dead? Wouldn't I rather live in the valley, where life lives, and let life come to me? This is the message I took away when I watched the following: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AaUzm9rQp8

This is a link to a keynote speech that Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) guru, Randine Lewis, gave at one of her retreats. In the past, I've read both of her books and have wanted to go to her retreat for many years. However, they're expensive and with our fertility treatments, I just couldn't pull it off. However, this evening, I finally realized that she was on YouT.ube and this speech was life changing in the way I think about my own fertility. If you are at the start of your fertility journey or near the end, I promise you that listening to this will be one of the best things you can do for yourself. If you don't want to listen and don't believe me, I'll leave the short version in bullet points below because this type A girl took notes. Yep. Sure did.

The gist: (in no particular order)

• In order to bring forth life, learn how to live.
• Come in touch with the healer within you. It's the only healer that can heal your soul.
• Have courage to do things differently and think about things differently.
• Overthinking = depletion of the spleen energy (This is some TCM stuff that applies to me. Take it for what it's worth.)
• Live in the valley. Quit struggling up the mountain.
• Believe in the fullness of your own spirit.
• Still do western medicine. Do what feels right within you.
• No challenge has taken away my longing for a child because the desire isn't wrong. It's there because that desire is deep within my soul and is supposed to be there.
•  Don't fight the desire for a child. Live with it. Don't let it cause you to stop living.
• Be in the experience. (IVF/FET) Dance with it. Give yourself to it.
• I am lucky to still be fertile. We had 22 egg retrieved, 18 fertilized, 4 made it to blast. We have one amazing, living child! I am fertile. Believe it.
• You are NOT a statistic.
• Don't throw your desire to have a child away as a way to not think about it. Burying it only harms your soul. Look at it in a different way.
• Fertility is a mindset. Don't call yourself infertile. Fertility is always there.
• Light (finding yourself) comes in the darkness (low points in life).
• Live in the valley so the universe can come to you. Stop struggling up the mountain.

This is the short version of an hour long program. I HIGHLY suggest that you just take the time for yourself and let this change you and how you view your own fertility.

Back to school, back to school...

And, just like that, Summer is basically over. Poo. I'm starting to get excited to go back. It's not like this Summer was full of fun. I'm so thankful that I teach middle school and don't have to worry about cute bulletin boards! I bought some super cute fabric last year and used it for my bulletin board background. So, all I need to do is decide what I want to put up on them this year. Luckily, I have a student teacher!! Maybe I'll put him in charge of that part! If you haven't guessed: Middle School Teachers and Bulletin Boards don't get along!

About this student teacher...I have a feeling he's going to be a bit much! Let me start this rant by saying: I remember student teaching. I was soooo excited! But, we were also taught to respect our supervising teacher's time. I'm not thinking this kid got the same memo. He seems very kind and super excited, so for that I'm really happy! However, the poor kid seems to be a bit of a nervous mess. He's emailed me 3 times since last Tuesday. Slow down there buddy. He wants to meet before school, which I'm fine with. I'm having him meet me at school so I can show him around and put him to work in my room...teeheehee. But, 3 times in one week? He's lucky I check my school email during the Summer! Some teachers won't even discuss school in the Summer! I think he'll do great once we get him all calmed down. I'm sure my kids will LOVE having him in the room. They love the extra attention. Can ya blame them?!

Honestly, he comes from a great university and they have an all year internship program for student teachers, which I think is exactly what teachers need. He'll be in my room for 2-3 days all Fall and then all week doing his actual student teaching starting after Christmas break. You all might be saying, "Oh, how nice. You can just sit on your butt and let him teach." Oh, how I wish that's how it worked! I'm a bit too protective of my kiddos to let a newbie have complete freedom. I hold my student teachers to a pretty high standard, so they tend to get a bit stressed. But, it's good for them. What do they think will happen when they're all alone next year in their own classroom?! There's a method to my madness.

I've decided to take this one last week to myself and then go into my room next week. School starts on the 19th, so that gives me a week to get my room ready. Really, there's not a lot to do this year besides straighten things up and hang my new decorations. New décor = shopping. Shopping = Happy ME :)

Summer is almost over :(

I had a bit of a break down last night. Tomorrow is our staff retreat. That means school is right around the corner. Only two more weeks left. Now, I LOVE my job. But, I started this Summer thinking I'd be through my first trimester before school started in the Fall. Big.Fail. Plus, having my second AF really ticks me off. I didn't want any of them. I wanted a fucking baby. F you IF.

Next steps

I'm a huge planner. I've recently started thinking that it's probably not a great thing in all situations. For example, I'm already looking at where we'll do our next cycle  if we go through all of our frozen embryos. Yeah. I should probably stop it. Originally, the hubs and I agreed that we'd go to CCRM if we needed a second fresh cycle. However, it's super expensive. Most likely, we're looking at $30k for the entire thing, which includes the one day workup. It was hard enough to save for our IVF that was 'only' $12k. So, I guess this means, there is no going elsewhere. I really have no reason to be dissatisfied with our current RE. He is very up to date on research and super open to experimental protocols. I guess it's a sign that I need to learn to live in the here-and-now. Just be content at where we are. Not very easy for me, but I'll try.

Adoption Update. Kind of.

Our worker emailed me this morning to tell me that a maternal family member has snuck out of the woodwork and is interested in adopting the little guy. She said that they need to complete the interstate paperwork because they're out of state and complete a homestudy. She then said to not worry because we're still being considered. Well, then don't give me things to worry about lady! But, seriously, if this is what's best for him, I have to be okay with that. That's obviously what we want in the end. It would be great if they thought we were what's best. Still a long waiting game, I guess.

Today is the hub's birthday! Poor guy has to work a 12 hour day on his big day. Bummer. We're just keeping it low key this year. Cake, gifts, singing in off-key voices. Typical birthday around here. We should probably go get some wrapping paper and a card...we have all day. Right now, we're just being lazy and eating Cina.bons. Yummy and so not on my "get rid of inflammation" diet. Definitely worth it :)

WTF Appointment

Long story short, our RE has no idea why our cycle failed. I'm not shocked because how the heck is he supposed to know? But, when you pay so darn much for IVF and it fails, you really want to know why it failed so it doesn't happen again.

He mentioned some tests he wants to do if we need to do another fresh cycle. Oh, how I pray it never comes to that. The tests are to check my immune system and something for the hubs DNA fragmentation. The tests and treatment (if there is an issue) will cost about $6k more, so we're hoping our first FET will be successful.

As for the FET, he said our embryos are excellent quality. We have one 2AA, one 3AB, and one 4AB.  He said, originally, he wanted to transfer 2 for the fresh, but because of my high E2, would only do 1 for my own safety. However, he wants to do 2 for our FET. I'm good with that and so is the hubs, which shocked me a little. I figured he'd never go for transferring 2, but he's always said that he'll go along with what our RE says is the best course of treatment.

The best part is the cost compared to a fresh cycle. Holy cheapness batman. Plus, it only involves two appointments. Yay for saving on gas! It seems very doable and much less stressful. We'll wait until after the SIL's wedding, but in the meantime, he wants me to download a visualization thing and listen to it. I told him I was pretty anxious and stressed during the last cycle and he said that the visualization won't hurt and it's cheaper than acupuncture. He actually recommended either of these things, but since they both have the same success and the visualization download is cheaper than weeks of acupuncture (and less painful!) I'm game for it. I told him I tried the Circle+Bl.oom download and it just ticked me off. He said he understands why because he's listened to it. He said it focuses too much on actually getting pregnant and can cause more stress from a situation you can't control. The one he recommended focuses more on my stress level and doesn't mention pregnancy. Once he said this, I realized this was exactly what ticked me off about the Circle+Bl.oom. So, right now, my job is to work on relaxing...seriously. It comes down to, "Just relax and it will happen"?! WTF!!!!

Third times...a charm?

Three run in's with pregnant announcements in two weeks. Really it should be outlawed to tell someone who just failed IVF all about your pregnancy. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! It's not that I don't care about you and your lovely pregnancy. I just don't have enough grace built up to deal with you and your happiness. It's not that I'm not trying. I am. I just wonder how much one person is expected to take before this nightmare ends. It really doesn't make sense. At all. I try to be kind and smile and show that I'm happy. But, inside I'm puking in my mouth from the punch in my gut. The last one was yesterday and it literally took my breath away. It actually hurt to read the fb announcement. Considering the person who announced her pregnancy is now 6 months along and we *we're pretty good friends, she never even told me. I'm sure it is because of IF. I hate that IF makes people think they can't tell me their news. What's worse is that I hate how IF makes me feel toward these women. I know they didn't get pregnant to spite me. It's not them that I'm upset with. It's myself and the cards I was dealt. The hubs and I are financially stable. We love kids. We want kids more than we can even explain. But, for some reason we cannot, by any means we've tried, seem to have kids. Even with adoption, we've been waiting for years. Ayden is now 10. He's grown up as an only child. He's no worse for the wear, but I am so pissed at how having a sibling close in age to grow up with was ripped from him and it's not even his fault. He doesn't know any different, but I do. IF is a huge bitch and I hope she burns in hell.

Just hanging out.

Not much going on here. Our WTF appointment is on Wednesday. I assume it will be pretty straight forward.

RE: I'm so sorry. It really was a perfect cycle and a perfect embryo.
Us: Yeah. How much more money do we need to send your way? What are our odds?
RE: Oh, they're great.
Us: Liar.

Our odds of our fresh cycle working were 70%. Yeah. Lucky us, we fell into the 30% that fail. Go team! We'll just have to wait until we can save up more money to try again. We have a wedding to go to and can't do both. I'm pretty sure getting out of SIL's wedding isn't a choice.

On a fun note, when I find myself at a crossroads in life, I typically make some drastic change to myself. So, I decided to chop my hair. Ten inches are now gone and donated. This is the third time in my life I've chopped that much off and donated it. It's quite liberating and I love donating to a good cause. The hubs loves my new 'do', so that's a plus. I figured he freak out, but I look like I'm in my 20's again and I definitely don't mind that part!

The hubs' bday is this week. He's not really into celebrating his own birthday, so that makes it difficult. He never gives gift ideas and would rather stay home with the curtains closed so no one can find him rather than going to a nice bday dinner. He has to work on his birthday this year, so he'll be able to avoid it for awhile. But, I'm taking his butt out to dinner when he's off!

Alright, I'm really just rambling now, but I just wanted you to know I haven't fallen off the planet. I'm still here waiting for something else to happen...

Rough Week

This week has been a special kind of sucky. First, a friend of Ayden's from school came over to play this week and told me their mom was expecting a baby boy. Nice. Stab in heart. There are circumstances in that family that make you go, "Well, another example of 'not fair'." Let's just say they aren't the most responsible people.

And then, a few days later, I took Ayden to the high school to get his football gear. We were both pretty confused, as we've never done this before. While waiting in one of the zillion lines we eventually waited in, and waiting on the hubs to get there, a very pregnant acquaintance got in line behind me. This girl is a friend of one of my good friends. I don't really know her that well. The only thing I do know is that she is pregnant with her 5th surprise pregnancy. So, I had to listen to her for a good 10 minutes about how lucky she is and how she wasn't happy at the start of the pregnancy, but then she thought of all the people, like me, she included, that couldn't have any more kids and decided to be happy. She wished that she could give all of her infertile friends a baby and blah, blah, blah. Seriously, this went on and on until finally my hubs and another friend rescued me from this hell.

This event has absolutely ruined the rest of my week. After our IVF, I didn't feel like a huge failure, although maybe I should have, because I knew we still had some frozen. But, boy did this conversation with insensitive preggo make me feel like a huge failure. I spent yesterday in a deep funk that finally ended in me crying my eyes out to my hubs before we went to bed. This morning started with me crying and snotting everywhere, again to the hubs, only for me to also realize, out of nowhere, I realized that today was the due date of the baby I miscarried. Great. I always wondered if we'd have had more babies by now if this date would still suck as badly. For me, it just quantifies what a failure I am. Not only can we not have anymore, the only pregnancy we did have (besides Ayden, of course) miscarried because of my stupid body.

I've been trying to be so positive with the adoption stuff going on and knowing that the FET could bring us our baby, but this week just sucked. I'm not sure how long it will take to get out of this funk, but I hope not too long. I'm running out of Kleenex.

We made it to the next step!!

We are one of the families to get an interview with the committee!! We can go in and speak for ourselves! We made it through step one!! Well, really this is step two. The first step was being selected by our worker to be presented at the meeting today. Hot darn!! God is good! The interviews will be conducted over the course of the next month or so. No decision will be made until the end-ish of October. I guess, in the long scheme of things, what's three more months? It sure seems like an eternity.

 

 

Waiting...

It is 9:39. The meeting has started. If I could only be a fly on the wall. All that stuff about being calm, yeah, it's gone today. I'm a nervous wreck to hear from our worker. It could be a few hours, so I'd better find something to keep myself busy this morning. Maybe I'll just eat my nerves away. I'll post an update as soon as I have one!

Show Him you have Faith, don't tell him.

I've been addicted to Joel Os.teen on You Tu.be lately. As I've mentioned in the past, I grew up Catholic and Ayden has been baptized into the Catholic church. However, I just don't connect with the church anymore. There are a lot of things that go on that I just can't agree with. The Catholic church's stance on infertility doesn't quite click with what I feel in my heart. Plus, how can a group of men decide what God wants for families to do when faced with infertility. Well, I don't feel it's up to them to decide. Besides, now that we've done IVF, I can't even go and receive communion until I confess my sin of IVF to a priest...Seeing as how I don't feel that a married, responsible, loving couple wanting children is a sin, that's never going to happen. I mean, when we were married, our deacon (my uncle) charged us to go and create many children. So, I'm just doing what I was told to do :)

Joel Os.teen has a mega church in Texas. His sermons are very positive and uplifting. I don't consider myself to be a 'religious' person per se, but I am full of Faith and I have a lot of trust in God and the miracles that he can perform in my life. So, last night, I was listening to one of his sermons about how to show God you're serious about your wants. The first thing that came to mind was that darn nursery room. We put off finishing that room for years, never really thinking we'd need it; not really believing that God could really give this horribly infertile couple what their hearts truly desire. However, after we decided to get that room done, a huge weight was lifted off my heart. I didn't realize it then, but now I see that rather than just telling God that I believe that he will bring us a child, I was showing him my faith through my actions.

Something I've always wanted to do for a child we'd adopt is create a book with pictures of us that show who we are and give a child a peek into their forever family. Last night, after watching that sermon, I thought to myself, "Just do it!" Okay, that's Nike. Whatever. But, ya know, I decided to just make it. And, then, this cheap skate woman even ordered a copy! The book is quite adorable if I do say so myself! I just keep envisioning this little guy's foster parents reading the book to him, helping him connect to us, creating a strong bond before we can bring him home. I put pictures of the three of us and the puppies. I made sure to put a serious picture and a silly picture of all of us to show our personality. Yes, this little guy is very young, but we read to Ayden way before this age and he caught on fast.

How's that for showing my faith. Plus, I'm so very hopeful. It's a weird, silent kind of hope. I feel in my heart that God knows what is good for our family. He knows what is good for this little guy. If this is His plan, He will work it all out. He'll give our worker the right words to say tomorrow and help the other workers feel in their heart that we are a good fit for him. If that's not God's plan, I can't change it. So, I'm okay with that, too. I can't say I won't be disappointed, but in the end, it will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Don't Worry! Be Happy!

I am a worrier. I think a lot of my worry comes in instances where I don't have control. I am also a control freak. I'm working on both. But, darn it. It's hard.

With Monday and the decisions that might be made in just two short days, it's hard to not email our worker and ask her a zillion questions or tell her a zillion things to tell the other workers so they think we're the right family, also. But, with this decision, I realize that none of that will help. It might annoy her and that's the opposite thing I want to do! I trust that she really believes that we are a good fit for the little guy and will do her best to speak out for us. That's all she can do. That's all the control she can have in the situation.

Rather than worry and trying to control the situation, I've done a lot of praying and putting my faith and trust in God that He will help bring this child to the right family. Of course, somewhere in my prayers I usually let Him know that I really think we're the perfect family...I'm not sure if that's counter-productive or not!

I've done a little research on toddler adoption and the changes that it would bring to our family. One thing I didn't come across in my research, but realized as I woke up after sleeping in this morning is that sleeping in, may be a thing of the past. As much as I love my sleep, I sure wouldn't mind being needed early in the morning to take care of a little person again! Ayden is pretty self-sufficient these days and, while it has its benefits, it's still nice when he needs our help!

I'm planning on spending the weekend staying busy so Monday comes quickly...maybe I clean or do laundry or shop...

Endo relief by electrocution?

I'm not sure how much I've posted about endo on my blog. Probably, it's been quite often because it's just a part of who I am. I was used to being in pain ALL day long 24/7. This isn't, "Ouch, I stubbed my toe," pain. It's the kind of pain that can only be relieved with prescription pain killers. It's a sad thing really. One, you feel guilty when you need to ask your doctor for pain killers, at least I do. I feel like I just need to suck it up. Plus, I HATE calling the doctor's office to ask because I always talk to one of the nurses who makes me feel like a drug addict. So, this results in me waiting WAY too long to call and living with pain that isn't even close to normal.

After my surgery last August and being put on continuous bc pills, I was in ZERO pain! It was amazing. However, after my IVF failure and not having our follow-up with our RE for a few weeks, the pain is back. It's so horrible. Often, I wonder if this is how bad it really was all the time before surgery. In my head, I know it was or I wouldn't have ended up on the operating table. But, it's just hard to believe that I actually lived like this day in and day out. No wonder I missed so much work, which I also HATED to do. Last year, I missed NO days of work for endo pain for the first time ever. It was amazing!

I'm just trying to get through, day by day, until our WTF appointment in two weeks to see if our RE will put me back on bc pills or something because I can absolutely not keep living like this, not after living pain-free for almost a year. I wake up in the morning at a 7 on a pain scale of 1-10 and it only goes downhill from there, with me ending up on the couch by the end of the evening. Seriously, how the hell did I do this for all of those years?? It really should be a crime that there isn't more research going into curing this awful disease. It truly is a life ruining disease.

As I was trying to get around this morning, I remembered that the hubs had borrowed a TENS unit from a friend for some back issues he was having a couple of months ago. If you don't know, a TENS unit is a little battery powered device with 2-4 pads that you stick on your skin over areas that hurt. The travel ones like this are made to help with chronic pain. Then, you turn the buttons until the electric pulses feel "good"?? The buttons range from a scale of 1-10. I figured it couldn't hurt to try, so I attached the little pads over my ovaries...

Honestly, the only thing I could think about is that I just put these pads over my ovaries and how I know the hubs friend would probably FREAK out if he knew these were even anywhere near some one's lady parts...it made me laugh!

Then, I turned the knobs...At about a 6, it felt like someone kept snapping my skin with a rubber band...but, it felt therapeutic. I'm not really sure how to explain it. After the first 30 minutes, the device turned off and OH MY GOODNESS! My lower back pain was gone. I'm not sure I can explain how exactly electrocuting my ovaries made my back stop hurting, other than I know it's all connected in there and when my endo is flaring up, my lower back kills me. Even though I know it's only supposed to run for 30 minutes, I looked on Dr. Goo.gle and he said that for chronic pain, it can be run for hours at a time. Since my ovaries were still hurting, I turned it up for another  round of rubber band snapping. I promise, I have no idea how it works, nor do I really care, but I went from a 7 on the pain scale to a 1 after the second 30 minutes. Where has this thing been all my life???

While I was searching DR. Goo.gle, I did see that women with endo who are forced to use pain killers to manage their daily lives find a lot of help from these. So, I will definitely talk to my RE about getting a prescription for one when we go back in. For now, I'll just have to keep putting another man's TENS unit pads over my ovaries!

This is a game changer! The TENS unit has a little clip to clip on your pants or it can fit in your pocket. I can just put it on and wear it around work. Sweet heavens! My liver will be soooo very happy!!

So, endo ladies, I highly suggest that you get your hands on one of these little buggers! I read that you can rent them, but I'm not sure where you'd do this. I really love it enough to just buy one. They are pricy and you need a prescription from you doctor, but it's so very worth it!