I haven't exactly been honest with you all, but it was for a good reason. Since August, the hubs and I have been doing a FET cycle. I blogged in a secret blog that I didn't post for the entire time. I'm not sure if I'll ever post it, but maybe someday.
What you need to know is that we transferred 2 perfect embryos on September 20th. They were perfect. Right now, I am drunk. So, you can pretty much figure out how the cycle ended. BFFN. Again.
Interesting things I learned about myself this time:
1. I can do my own sub-q shots. Piece of cake. Did them all.
2. I am the tits. I also did quite a few of my own IM shots. That's right. I grew balls this week. Big.IF.balls. Even the hubs was impressed.
3. IVF/FET is a crock of shit. 70% chance of success my ass. Well, I guess that is still possible. We just fell in the 30% of failures. Imagine that.
4. IF still sucks huge donkey asshole.
5. After taking Xanax, you only need 1 1/2 glasses of wine to get drunk. This might prove important later in life.
6. I keep going between quitting and not quitting.
Number six is shocking to myself. By the time the nurse had called with our blood test results (at 5:00pm...never a good sign) we had already made an appointment for a phone consult at ccrm. Damn it. I said I was done. But, then the hubs looks at me. I mean, really, what else do I have to do but fly my ass out to Denver? Live life? Maybe.
We also dropped off a grant form to our current RE to complete 'if' we decide to do another cycle with them. By the time the nurse called, she said he's already filled it out and they put it back in the mail to us...I really do love this office. Like, a lot.
All the way to the appointment today, I had talked myself into this "I'm strong, I'm not gonna cry, this isn't the end" talk. Then, as soon as we walked back to the blood draw lab, my favorite nurse asked if I'd tested already...cue ugly cry. She hugged the living shit out of me. And, I loved it. I'm NOT a touchy feeling person. But, this hug. Damn it. I needed it. So bad. Then, as she drew the blood, I cried more. She kept saying that it isn't over until the blood results are back. Nice of her, but I'm not a newbie here. It's over. The hubs took me to Target and after a little Starbu.cks, I was feeling a bit better. Get this, I didn't even cry when the nurse called. Yep, I'm the tits. I was also full of anxiety meds. Maybe this helped?
So, where am I mind wise. Great question. Right now, I'm super. Tomorrow, I'll have a headache and regret tonight. I'll never in a million years regret all the treatments. What I would have regretted would have been never trying. We still have one frozen embryo left, but lets be real people. They've already put 3 perfect ones back. My body killed them. It doesn't take a scientist to hypothesize the outcome of this poor fourth one. I kinda just wanna keep him/her frozen forever so we can say we have him/her. I know. Not possible. But, if I ran the world...
I have kinda lost myself over the last decade. I mean, I know where I am. I'm right here. But, who is inside? I haven't really worried about this for awhile. So, after making our ccrm phone consult, the hubs put a 20 day time frame on talking about anything fertility.
So, I guess the sex will be strictly for sex sake. Weird. How does that work again?