This month, besides having an IVF that failed, is the month that our due date for our last pregnancy fell. We were due on 7/25/07. Typically, the month I had my miscarriage is the hardest. But, having just seen our tiny embryo, knowing it was alive and thriving when it was put in, and then, nothing, makes this month that much harder. If you prefer to not be sad, don't read this post. Otherwise, grab some tissues, a glass of wine, and read on. Although, I promise to end on a positive note because that's the kind of girl I am!
When we became pregnant, we had been trying for baby #2 for 3 years. It seemed like an eternity at the time. And, really, it is. I had already watched most of my friends have 2 babies in that time and I wondered, how much more we'd have to endure. I'd already been through our first RE, lots of clomid, 3 iui's (both clomid and Follistim), two surgeries for endo, acupuncture, and a witch doctor.
The witch doctor, as the hubs called her, had me on a strict vitamin routine and food routine. I told the hubs this was my last month with her, since it had already been three months, and then, we'd go back to our RE.
Suddenly, I realized I was 2 days late. Being my birthday, thinking it would be an amazing birthday gift, but knowing it was a shot in the dark because our RE already told us our chances of conceiving on our own was less than 1%, I POAS. Wouldn't you know it, it was positive. I cried and screamed and cried some more. We were beyond shocked and elated. We called our OB and made our first appointment for an u/s. We never made it to that appointment.
The week of Thanksgiving, I started to bleed. Not a lot, but enough that our OB sent us to the ER. The u/s tech at the ER, who isn't supposed to give any information, told us that it didn't look good because she didn't see anything in the sack and my uterus was bicornate. It looked like the baby had settled in one of the "horns" of my uterus. She also told us the pregnancy would probably end. (She was also later, fired. We went to the hospital president to share our concerns with her sharing of information...we happened to know him. He was appalled. She was fired.)
We were devastated. On Black Friday, while shopping with my mom, I felt a gush of blood and knew it was over. But, I was wrong. We went to the OB the next week and there was a baby with a heartbeat. But, it was low at only 95bpm. I knew it was a bad sign, the hubs was excited and I just let him be excited. We were measuring a little behind, but not by much. The OB told me to take it easy and if there was more bleeding to head to the ER. I'm not sure what they'd have done. But, for the time being, he was a little optimistic, which gave me some hope.
Sadly, at 8weeks 2 days, I started bleeding again. We went to the ER. They did an u/s. There was a baby, still with a beating heart, but only 85bpm. The doctor and nurses were beyond kind to us. We were told that we would miscarry in the next couple of days. Sure enough, I miscarried the next day, December 13, 2006. That day changed me forever. This day made me lose my hope. Hope equaled pain.
Stupidly, we had already told Ayden we were pregnant and he would be a big brother. He named the baby, Jessie. We were madly in love with our baby and had already talked about names and what life would be like with two kids. We had Disney trips planned, beach trips to take, and Christmas' with lots of gifts for our babies. Even our dog was in tune with the baby and would sniff my belly. But, as we now know, my uterus wasn't bicornate, but rather had a septum and the baby had implanted on it. There is no blood flow on the septum and the placenta couldn't take over. Basically, I failed my baby.
But, I believe that every being has a purpose. That wasn't supposed to be our take home baby. We were only to learn that I had an issue. Even though it wasn't diagnosed with my septum until 6 years later, we also didn't get pregnant again and tried adoption in that time instead. When our new RE found the septum, I knew that was our baby's purpose.
Then, there is this newest addition. Our IVF embryo. It took us 9 years to make that little guy (or girl). Honestly, I'd given up hope on anything working. I was only doing this because the hubs really wanted to. As you probably read in previous posts, I had a hard time getting excited about it. I can't say that deep down, I ever really was. Sure, I was excited to think that it could actually work, but to really believe it, no. I wasn't buying into it. I wasn't putting hope out in the world only to be crushed, again. But, after seeing the embryo's picture, I'd become attached. I finally realized what we were actually doing. It was a living little guy (or girl). Then, I was scared. I was scared because over the months/years that we'd been trying, we'd failed more than we'd succeeded. I tried to believe it, I prayed like crazy, but once my symptoms disappeared in the second week of our 2ww, I knew it wasn't going to be.
Even though many hpt's had already told me what I feared, hearing it from the nurse was much worse. It was definite then. There was no hope to even grab onto for this cycle. I failed. Again. The hubs keeps trying to tell me that it wasn't my fault, but after our last loss, I have a hard time believing him. I know there isn't anything else I could have done to change the outcome. Sometimes, more often than not, I've learned, this is just the outcome.
Perhaps, because I'm a teacher and I'm always looking for a teachable moment, or perhaps because I believe every being has a purpose in life, I think the purpose for our little lost embryo was to show me that I do want this. Bad. Way worse than I'd let myself believe. This little guy (or girl) lit a fire under my ass. I believe that this loss, although never really implanting, still showed me a glimpse of what could be. I actually looked at baby stuff while in the 2ww. I envisioned myself with a baby. We have 3 embryos left. One of those has to be our take home baby. It just has to. This embryo has brought us one step closer to him/her/them. This embryo brought me hope. The hope that was lost on December 12, 2006. I can feel it. Deep down. It's back. Maybe it never left, but it took this little embryo to help me find it. Every being has a purpose.
God willing, we can save up more $$ and get this show on the road. I really need time to re-center myself and let my ovaries calm down. It probably won't happen in the Summer, but you never know. And, it'll be top secret when it does :) Too many people had to be sad and I hate that it was because of us. It's just easier for me, a people pleaser, to keep it to myself. There are way less stupid comments this way, I'm sure! But, know that even in times of sorrow, looking for the silver lining makes it a little easier. Sure, I'm sad that our first IVF didn't work. But, I will never regret going down this road, as I once though I would. Traveling into unknown territory is scary. IVF and the unknowns of it are scary. But, no matter what the outcome, you can come out stronger, more determined, and full of hope that you thought would be lost forever.
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