Thursday, July 4, 2013


This is my last day of PUPO. It's bittersweet. First, it was pretty awesome knowing that there was a living little embie in there. Second, this is the closest we've ever been to being pregnant in years. But, it was stressful. If I had it to do all over again, I would skip POAS. HPT's are the devil. They cause you to think that it didn't work, it's too early, etc. The stress of hpt's is just extra added stress that an IVF cycle doesn't need.

But, I did it. I actually made it through an IVF cycle and I'm still alive to tell about it. How will it end, I'm still really not sure. I have prayed more in the last two weeks than I have in my entire life. That's saying a lot since I pray about everything. But, I definitely believe in miracles. I have Ayden to prove it. He should have NEVER made it. I had a septum taking up 1/2 of my uterus, bled for most of my first trimester, and horrible endo. Knowing what we know now and dealing with secondary infertility for 9 years, he is a true miracle. I am a miracle myself. My parents tried for 5 years before having me. I am a clomid baby. Oh makes me shudder. The worst drug ever. Or so I thought until I did Lupron for IVF. I'll put them in the same category.

And, then, there's this damn' hpt I took this morning. ALL the tests I took this week were STARK white. Trust me. I know. None of the ninja moves I tried all week made a line show up. Even the move of holding it over my son's hermit crab light or in natural light. Those are my secret moves. Shhh, don't tell.  Because I love punishment, but mostly because I wanted ALL the tests used up and out of my house before our FET cycle, I used my very last FRER this morning. Just to look at it, nothing. Blank as blank can be. Then, I resorted to the hermit crab light. WTF. It's the lightest line you'd ever think could exist. I crossed my eyes, stood on my head, did a little downward dog...looked again. Still there. Surely, I've officially lost it. I'm now seeing invisible lines. I decided that after my beta test tomorrow, it was time I was admitted to the looney bin.

But, just to prove I'd gone mad, and embarrass myself with my secret move, I called the hubs into my son's room. I'm not exactly sure what he thought I was doing. But, I explained that this is a secret move. Not many people know about it and he's to keep it under wraps. He officially thinks I'm a nut job, I'm sure of it. So, to start, I showed him the test from yesterday. Nothing. No hint of a line. Then, I showed him today's. He squinted his eyes closed and then open a few times. I mean, he did just wake up and we all know you need very fresh eyes to see faint/invisible/fake lines. But, damn', he saw it, too. Then, he waved his hands in the air and said, "Just wait until tomorrow." Well, easy for you to say mister...I'm a mad woman. You hear me? I've gone mad! I won't lie. I've gone to check on the line about 50 times this morning. 50. Line is still there. But, only under hermit crab light. Well, not entirely true. Now, it's starting to dry and I can see it if I hold it over the lamp on my nightstand. See, I am a mad woman. Who knows what new plan I'll come up with. Losing it might be putting it mildly.

Now, there are a few possibilities here. One, we've both lost it completely. Two, this will end up being a chemical pregnancy because on 10dp5dt, the line should be much, much darker. But, even that, although sad, means that this little one tried its hardest to hold on, so an FET might just work. Third, God is granting us another miracle. So, if you're reading this today, please, please, please pray for the third option. I mean, pray so hard that your eyes pop out of your head, your knees bleed, and heaven is so full of our prayers that God has no other option but to grant this miracle to quiet the heavens.

I have faith that no matter what the outcome of tomorrow's beta is, everything will be okay. Will I be either really sad, really happy, or really confused? You betcha. But, I know that someday, this will all work itself out. It just has to. On the day that I finished praying my rosary novena, (google if you don't have a clue. It's a Catholic thing.), actually the second I finished my 7th day, the hubs texted me and said he had the last of the $3500 we needed to start our cycle. You have no idea the shock that came over me. I had been questioning, until that point, if we were really supposed to do IVF. That proved: question answered.

Crazier things have happened people. Much crazier. My prayer is that no matter what tomorrow's outcome is (hopefully positive) that I have the grace to get through it and come out on the other side as a better person. And, that I quickly pick my butt off, dust it off, and move on to our next step.

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