Seriously. I really don't mean to hurt people's feelings by this post. And, if your feelings are hurt, suck it up. You have no idea how your words of wisdom and hopeful feelings feel like a stab in the back. Of course it's easy for you to be hopeful. You had fucking sex and got pregnant. Like normal people. I don't even get to enjoy that because my body is so fucked up.
Yep. I tested. Oh, it's too early to test, your fertile self will want to tell me. Well, I've been in the trenches for YEARS and no, it's not too early. If I wasn't on these shitty meds, my period would be here tomorrow. But, now I have to be in this shitty limbo of me, knowing 100% that I'm not pregnant, but still taking this horrible shot in my ass, knowing it's preventing AF from coming.
And, while I already feel like a HUGE fucking failure, now I have to tell all of the people we told, like idiots. Mainly, our parents and a couple of friends. All of them have been so hopeful and think that if you pay $11k you automatically get a baby. For a minute, I let them suck me into that thinking. I'm mad at myself for even thinking it was possible. The worst will be telling my mom. She already feels like this infertility thing is her fault because that's what mom's do, take all the blame. Just like I take all of the blame for this little perfect embryo not sticking. So, if a perfect one won't stick, what makes me think that an FET will work. You guessed it, it probably won't work either. No, don't give me your "oh, but it will" bull. I'm not an idiot. And, I don't need to hear your, "Oh you just need to be positive and it will work" shit either. What the hell do you think I just did for this last cycle. Yeah, positive attitude doesn't get someone pregnant. Be real.
This is not the life I ever imagined for myself. One where I have to watch everyone have 2,3,4 babies in the same time I'm trying for just 1. I can't even tell you how it breaks my heart. Sure, I'm happy for them. But, to see other people living my dream is so painful. I adore kids. The only jobs I've ever had were caring for kids by babysitting and working at daycares as a kid and now teaching. So, I guess I'm only good enough to take care of other people's kids and not have my own.
Oh, it's God's plan? Um, sure. Just like the cracked out whore being pregnant. Yeah. That sounds just like what God would want. No. This is some hell I'm in and there's no way out.
So, I'll be taking a hiatus from posting. Of course, to end this hellish experience, I'll make sure to post my negative beta on Friday just to put a close on this horrible month. And, when we do FET, I won't post about it. I won't tell one single person. That is, if it even happens. I have no idea where that money will come from.
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