19 weeks!

The baby is definitely making him/herself known! S/he is moving around like crazy and it's so amazing. I've noticed that the baby is awake and moving in the early morning and evening, but is pretty quiet during the day. Maybe I'm just not noticing the jabs because I'm moving around, too.

After my breakdown yesterday, I was able to pull myself back together. This will most likely be my last pregnancy and I'm really trying to enjoy it, even if it's really hard most days. Maybe scary is a better way to explain it.

So, as a way to enjoy it, I started thinking of the amazing things that I get to experience while I'm pregnant. First, I am actually growing a baby. A real life baby. I get to feel the baby move and keep it all to myself for a couple more months before anyone else can feel it. I get to be my baby's first protector. That's a big role to take on. After 10 years of waiting, I get to be the woman walking down the street that is pregnant. I'm not simply watching everyone else enjoy pregnancy.

It's weird though that the infertile thoughts don't just go away. I wasn't prepared for that. Even though my baby is healthy and so am I, I still see myself as broken. I can't really explain it. Clearly, my body is doing what it is supposed to do, but I've spent so many years telling myself one thing that believing another is hard to do. Granted, just because I'm pregnant certainly doesn't mean I'm still not infertile. My endo is still there and is still hurting during pregnancy. But, besides that, it's doing what I asked her do it. I am pregnant. It is supporting my baby as he/she grows. Maybe I should be easier on myself.

Next week is our anatomy scan. I absolutely cannot believe that I am at this point in my pregnancy. I really doubted that I would make it this far. See, infertile thoughts. I cannot wait for Ayden to see his brother or sister on the screen. We have managed to wait until this point to find out what we're having and that is going to be so amazing to all find out together. When I found out with Ayden, I was alone. The hubs was in Iraq. Now, I'll have my little family, all huddled together when we find out.

At this point, we're all thinking girl. Not sure why, just a feeling I have. But, I was wrong with Ayden, so it's entirely possible that I'm wrong again! Ayden has said that it's a girl from the start, so we'll see.

After we find out, we are going to go to the party store and have a balloon bouquet made up of blue and pink balloons with one black balloon. In the black balloon, we'll have them put either pink or blue confetti. Next Saturday, Ayden is hosting a cook-out for his grandparents where he'll pop the black balloon and reveal what we are having. I'm not really into the whole reveal party thing, but this is VERY low-key with just grandparents and my brother. Plus, we thought this would be a good way to make Ayden feel included. So, he gets to spill the beans. Now to figure out how to keep his trap shut until the party!