Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Let's talk miscarriage

This pregnancy is going by so quickly. Just a few short weeks ago, I was expecting twins. We were so excited. Then, after many perfect ultrasounds, our baby A left no longer had a heartbeat. In a sense, my heart stopped beating, too.

There are no words for how painful it is to lose a baby that you can never hold. As a mother, you feel like you have to grieve and be sad forever because it's your job to miss that baby. It's all you can do once the baby is gone.

People don't even think it's a real loss because the baby never had a chance. It's bullshit. So, if it isn't a real loss, why does it feel like one?

I want nothing more than to be able to enjoy this pregnancy. It's so hard. How do I know that this baby won't be taken from me either? How can you enjoy something when you already know the pain of losing a baby?

Today, I'm just in a really shitty place. The closer to viability day I get, the more my anxiety rises. Hopefully, it'll be here quickly and I can start to relax a little bit.

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