There are many emotions running through my body right now. I have a lot to say, but words fail me. When we started our infertility treatments, I knew in my heart of hearts, deep down, often so deep down that it seemed impossible, I just knew that at some point, it would be our turn.
Watching friend after friend, family member after family member, get pregnant and have babies was so painful. It was as if they were living my dream and God had forgotten about me.
But, I pushed on. Family told me I was crazy. I was told I needed to give it up. We tried to adopt. We did so many IUI's that I lost count. I've been injected with more hormones than I ever imagined. We had a failed fresh and a failed frozen IVF cycle. Then, it happened. Something finally clicked. I became pregnant on our second fresh IVF cycle.
However, I never, not even for one second of my pregnancy, let myself truly believe that it was actually my turn. My reasoning? If, God forbid, something happened to the baby, it would be unbearable. I needed to protect myself.
Before this pregnancy, I used to be a lot of things.
I used to be scared of needles. I used to have no hope. I used to skip baby showers. I used to stay awake at night, crying because I didn't know how I'd go on if I never got pregnant again. I used to watch other people live my dreams and be jealous. I was so jealous. I was unhappy. I was defeated.
Then, on 12/13/14, at 1:19am, this happened:
And, all was well with my soul.
In one split second, my world was filled with hope again. My daughter looked into my eyes and eleven years of pain were suddenly gone. I was free from the pain of infertility. I was free from the pain that comes with years of failure. It all finally made sense.
This tiny little girl was meant to be ours. Had I gotten pregnant in a different cycle, this baby, my baby, wouldn't be laying on my chest, crying her way into my soul. We were never meant to have another baby. This sweet angel came into the world and healed the saddest places in my heart.
My world is complete.