34+2 Weeks

Infertility.

I have thought of myself as infertile for so long that this is all still very surreal for me. Not even surreal. Just, not possible. I mean, I see myself getting bigger. A lot bigger. But, my mind hasn't caught up with why. My heart is protecting all of me from anything that might go wrong, I believe.

I've heard that once a person who has struggled with infertility is pregnant, she never can get rid of the feelings of being infertile. This is supposedly true the longer you dealt with infertility.

I thought it was a bunch of crap.

I was wrong. It is so very true. I still see myself as broken. It's very, very odd. I am going through the motions so I can be prepared for a baby in a few weeks, but I have not really been able to enjoy or embrace the fact that it will be me bringing my very own baby home.

Waiting for that other shoe to drop.

I have just recently started to deal with the loss of our twin. The twin that we lost will be born on the same day as our little girl. I'm not sure how to handle that. At the hospital where we will deliver, they play a lullaby when a baby is born. Do I ask them do play it twice for us, like they do for other twins that are born? Is that a weird request? I'm not sure.

We were told that because we lost our baby before his/her bones were hardened, he/she will not be recognizable to us, but the doctor will be able to tell. I don't want to see it. But, is that wrong? No clue. I just pray that the joy from our little girl being born will take over my grief for our loss.

I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I have been carrying both of my babies for this long, but only get to bring one home. I'm absolutely terrified that something will happen to our surviving twin and I'll come home with empty arms.

So, infertility, here's a big "Fuck You" for stealing any chance I've had at enjoying my pregnancy, not for a lack of trying.