We have nothing.

Well, we have clothes thanks to an online shopping spree, but as I get closer to 24 weeks (my safe zone), I'm realizing that time is going pretty fast and we have nothing. I started looking at furniture last night and that was overwhelming. Too many choices. So, I went back to cute baby clothes. Much easier.

Honestly, I'm trying to narrow down exactly what we need compared to crap we won't really use. I think since this is my second and we are starting over with baby gear, I'm full aware that some of it will only get used for a few months and then be sold, given away, etc.

Of course, there's all of the little stuff that we need that I kinda forgot about. Bottles anyone? Yeah. We are seriously starting over. Luckily, we've been saving money to buy the stuff even though we haven't been comfortable enough to actually purchase anything yet. Before I felt like a fraud. Now, I feel confused and rushed. Yeah. I have 16 weeks left. I realize that. But, the Fall is CRAZY busy with sports and holidays, etc. So, that time will fly by.

Some of the stuff I can just order online, but some of it I need to get my hands on. The hubs is overwhelmed with the choices, too. Shopping should be lovely. Maybe we should take Ayden to help make choices.

I am three days away from viability. Three. My anxiety is pretty high as it gets closer, so hopefully it goes quickly. To celebrate on Wednesday, the hubs and I were gonna go out to dinner while Ayden was at practice. Well, he has a game on Wednesday. Honestly, it will be a perfect way to celebrate! I can have dinner out anytime. I'll just make him take me the next night :)

23 Weeks

So, here I am. Twenty three weeks pregnant. Who woulda thought it was possible? As I sit here, one week away from viability, I am completely floored.

I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. It is truly amazing. Me. An actual infertile. Pregnant with some stroke of a miracle and a baby that is fighting like mad to defy all odds against us. My sweet daughter is stubborn like her mother. Thank you God for that. Our stubbornness is the only reason we are able to enjoy each other now. I am so blessed.

Today, I was walking through school saying 'hi' to the kids and I realized that I was feeling a really strange feeling. It was something I had felt before, but it had been a very long time. Soon I realized that I am so very happy. Like, to the core of my being. I am so happy.

And, I'm actually a nice person. Who knew? I think the hubs is happy to have his wife back after a decade of being pumped full of hormones. I'm really happy to have myself back, too.

Next week, to celebrate viability day, the hubs and I are going to treat ourselves to a nice dinner out. Just the two of us. What a huge accomplishment for my poor endo riddled body. I am so very proud of my body for hanging in there. I also realized that in just 16 weeks (or less), we will be meeting our sweet girl. Insane. I actually had Ayden at just over 37 weeks, so it could be much less than that. So hard to believe that before this year is over, she will be here.

No complaints from me. I am so blessed.

22 Weeks. What if?

What if I would have quit trying? What if I didn't listen to the hubs and try IVF just one more time. The pain of infertility is so real and deep and I was so bruised and battered from our fight that I was just done. I had given up on my body.

I thank God every single day that I listened to my husband and did IVF just one more time. Under the circumstances, it was crazy. Absolutely crazy. He had just lost his job and it would take all of our savings. But, we trusted God and just went for it. So scary. Nothing went right during the cycle. But, the outcome was perfect.

Here I sit at 22 weeks pregnant. Me. Pregnant. With a sweet baby girl. I had given up on ever having my own daughter. Now, I'm only 4 (almost 3) months away from meeting her. My children are actual miracles.

This week, my baby girl attended her first week of 7th and 8th grade with me. I mean, what choice did she really have? She slept through most of it, but can you blame her? The first week is usually pretty uneventful.

She moves constantly and I love every second of it. The hubs thinks it's creepy. Ha! It's not even inside of him and he can't handle it. He does love to feel her move around and as she gets bigger, hopefully Ayden can be patient enough to feel her, too.

I have slowly let myself pick out room décor for her bedroom. I found some curtains that I love and I'll just do the rest of the room around those. They are yellow, blue, and pink. Not gonna lie. I looked for something with blue in it so I didn't have to repaint the bedroom. I hate to paint. With a passion. So, it'll save time, money, and arguments. I'm in.

I also let myself buy pink stuff last weekend. She now has lots of frilly gowns and sleepers for the first few weeks.

My big baby boy starts 5th grade on Monday. How is it even possible? He does amazing in school, but he isn't excited about starting back at all. This should be an interesting year. I also realized that when this new baby starts kindergarten, my big baby will be in the 10th grade. Holy crap.

And, side note, my boobs are leaking. Gross.

Early Morning Snack

One time, I watched a horribly scary movie about some girl who was possessed. It was based on a true story. So horrifying. Somewhere in the movie, they said that spirits come out at 3am hour.

Why do my middle of the night pee breaks always need to be somewhere between 3-4am? For the love of all scary things. It's now 5am and I haven't been back to sleep. My back is killing me and there are apparently ghosts running all over. Outstanding.

So, I did what any normal pregnant woman would do and ate some cottage cheese and OJ, grabbed my computer and ran for safety. Completely normal. The baby LOVED my middle of the night snack. She's been kicking like crazy in there. It really is the most amazing thing on the planet. It did creep me out at first. I'm not gonna lie. Now, it's amazing.

She's a strong little girl, too. When she moves, I can see my stomach move and if my hand is on my stomach, it's pretty strong. I cannot wait until December is here so I can meet her. I think she's gonna be a big baby. No real reason, just a feeling I have. Interestingly enough, I'm carrying so much differently than I did with Ayden. I don't know if it's a second pregnancy thing or me having a girl. But, I'm pregnant everywhere. My ass is growing at the same rate as my belly. My face is also pregnant. It's really adorable. I certainly don't mind, but I'm not sure I'll stick with the puffy marshmallow look post delivery. See:

 

Me at 21 Weeks + a Double Chin

For the record, she is nameless. It's driving me absolutely insane. The hubs won't settle on a name. He has commitment issues. Since I'm with her 24/7 and I want to say her name when I'm talking to her, I need something. Anything really. I'm over calling her "baby". Every time I bring it up, he gets a headache. Maybe I'll start crying because she doesn't have a name. That'll freak him out and maybe cause him to commit. Even if it's just to shut me up. I don't really care at this point.

21 Weeks!

I cannot believe that I am more than halfway done! It really is amazing to me that this is happening. The miracle of the entire thing isn't lost on me for even one second of each day. I am absolutely a blessed pregnant lady.

As we get further into the pregnancy, I'm starting to let myself relax a bit. Now, a lot of the relaxing hinges on the cervical check coming up next Tuesday. But, for now, I'll just enjoy each day and pray that everything is normal in there.

My house is slowly starting to accumulate PINK things. It is such a weird feeling. Friends and family are mailing baby gifts and it is so odd to open them and realize that they are for a baby that will be in our house. You'd think with the ninja party going on in there that I'd get it by now. Nope.

The hubs has been able to feel her move and kick this week. He is LOVING it. He missed all of that with my pregnancy with Ayden, so he just feels blessed that he gets to experience it. It's times like that, when the hubs has his hand laying on my belly and the baby is going all ninja on me that I remember why I continued to do treatments for so many years. Letting my husband experience all of the joys that were stolen from him while he was in Iraq make every single worry worth it.

We had a follow-up from our a/s this week. Everything is perfectly normal. Also weird. I'm not used to going to the doctor (any doctor) and leaving with knowing that things are normal. Go me! I'm now far enough along that the OB used the measuring tape to measure my fundal height. I was so excited when she whipped that measuring tape out. Probably not normal. Although I feel as big as a house, I'm measuring perfectly!

I really have no complaints about pregnancy at all. I wish I could have enjoyed it sooner, but I just couldn't. Too scary. Now, it's so amazing. I certainly don't want to be pregnant forever. (Or ever again for that matter!) But, I'm definitely enjoying watching my belly grow. My butt grow? Not so much.

I start back to school on Monday and I'm a little worried about how I'll eat through out the day. I feel bad cramming my face in front of the kids, but I can't just not eat. Maybe I'll hide under my desk and cram my face.

It's a...

 

GIRL!!!!

 

 

Ayden was so excited to throw his party today! He made his grandparents eat lunch before he would tell. He decided to pop all of the balloons in the bouquet, which means that the pink balloons that I intended on using for this photo were a no-go. So, we had to use the confetti from the black balloon that he popped. Not quite the same effect, but you get the point.

 

The grandparents are insanely excited! It's their first granddaughter and I have a feeling that the pink isles in every store they can get their hands on will be raided.

 

Who am I kidding? I'm gonna do the same! I already got a few bibs that look like infinity scarves on Et.sy. I mean, come on. How can you pass that up? They are completely unnecessary, but oh so stinking adorable. Like baby shoes.

 

As for names? Who knows. We can't agree on anything. We were sure that once we knew the sex, it would be that much easier. Wrongo. Four months to figure it out. Oh my. That's not long.

 

I can't even start to explain what it feels like to have a daughter. I absolutely adore my son. But, to have my own daughter to watch explore the world? There are no words. I just pray that she knows how much love we have for her. I'm sad to say that the second thought I had after we found out that we were having a girl was a fear that she would have endo. I would never forgive myself if I passed this on to her. At least I know what to look for early on so she won't have to suffer like I did.

 

Thanks for being patient and waiting for the announcement! We are so extremely excited and cannot wait to meet her!

Names

Do babies really need a name? I certainly hope not because we can't agree on any. At all. If the baby were the opposite sex, we'd be set. We had that name picked out. Should have figured this what would have happened.

Picking a name really shouldn't be this hard. If the hubs would just see the light and go with my pick, we'd be done. Who said he could have an opinion anyway?!

Not to mention that we now have an 11 year old throwing his two cents in there. He thinks he gets a say. No such luck buddy. You're 11. You can name your own kids someday. Not that being told this has stopped him from trying to convince us of his choice. However, his choice is my choice, so I have that going for me.

GREAT DAY!

This baby is stubborn, stubborn, stubborn! S/he laid back up and head up for the entire ultrasound. This made certain shots pretty difficult! I had to be quite the contortionist and ended up with that goopy crap all over me. Worth it, but yuck.

The baby is weighing in at 13oz! Average is 10oz, so s/he is quite the overachiever at this point. Since I'm old, according to having baby standards, we got to go to a specialist from Ohio State's MFM office. We met with the MFM after the scan and got some really interesting information from her.

First, our baby has a cyst on the brain. It is pretty common in 2nd trimester and she wasn't worried about it at all. We won't rescan to check, as the MFM said that because there are no other markers, the baby is fine. Breathe a sigh of relief.

Second, what I thought were kicks today was actually the baby's butt backing into my gut. Creative move baby, creative. Baby is head up, which means nothing at this point, but it's why I do feel kicking into my busted ovary. Which is, indeed, busted. They looked today. It's still swollen from IVF. Outstanding job recovering body.

Baby A is no longer visible on the ultrasound. I really needed to see this so I can start to grieve the loss. I was happy that the baby wasn't there so that Ayden didn't need to see them measuring it. That may have been too much for him.

Finally, we know what we're having! After we announce to the grandparents on Saturday, I'll let you all know, too!!!

HALFWAY DONE!! 20 Weeks!

WE MADE IT TO OUR NEXT GOAL! I'm excited, shocked, and lots of other feelings really. I really cannot believe that we made it! Four more weeks until I can breathe a little easier though.

Tomorrow is the BIG day! I am so excited to see our baby again, but I'm nervous because I want everything to be okay during the ultrasound. We will also find out what sex our baby will be and that is absolutely exciting! Ayden can't stop talking about it.

We are letting him plan a party for his grandparents for Saturday for a reveal. He is busy planning the menu and the decorations. It's hysterical. If it were up to me, I'd just call them, but I won't take the glory away from the big brother!

The menu is typical of an 11 year old boy. Sandwiches from a local sub shop and chips. That's as far as he's gotten. I keep pushing for a salad of some sort, but he's not falling for it. I might just slip one in there anyway. For dessert, he wants a blue and pink cake and that's it. Oh boy. Nothing fancy here!

He wants to get blue and pink plates and napkins and have his grandparents eat off of the plate of their guess for the baby. Cute idea. His decorations are out of control and not necessary, but we'll go with it.

This past weekend, I did have a bleeding scare. It was bright red, but was only on my panty liner and never happened again. My doctor had me come in after I called like a crazy lady and they couldn't find the reason for the spotting. She did want them to measure my cervix while I was there and that isn't great news. Three weeks ago, it was measuring 52mm. On Monday, it was 40mm and only 36mm at one of the measurements. The OB said that if we didn't have the first check, she'd have looked at this one and said that all as great. But, since things are changing, she is keeping a really close eye on it. I'm now on modified activity (no lifting over 5lbs, nothing strenuous) and I'll be rechecked next Tuesday. If things change, it's bed rest for this momma. Fingers crossed that things stay stable.

Don't ever laugh.

When you hold up a giant bra, don't laugh. It just might fit. Then, you'll feel like shit!

My boobs have always been big. I had my first bra in the 4th grade. Sad story. It was embarrassing. I was sure that everyone knew and it was mortifying. My boobs weren't that of a normal middle school child. They were more what a high school teen would be dealing with. So, that was fun.

Well, pregnancy has brought on a whole new growth. The first round of growth started before my bfp and went through the 1st tri. I thought it was safe to buy new bras at this point. They were only two sizes bigger. Not horrible.

Well, they haven't stopped growing. Now, at 19 weeks, these things are escaping from their holder. I knew it was time for new bras (again) when I got off the couch and my hubs asked if I was going to put my boob back in my bra. Nice.

The next day, we went bra shopping. I should clarify. Ayden and the hubs went shoe shopping. They wouldn't be caught dead in the bra section.

I was pretty sure that I went up a couple of sizes, so that's what I went looking for. However, when I found it, I just laughed. There was NO WAY this thing would fit me. It was HUGE. So, I put it back because there was no way I would be seen carrying that thing around.

However, right before going into the fitting room, I grabbed one just in case. I decided to try the thousand-yards-of-fabric bra on first. Once it was on, I laughed. Hysterically. The fucker fit. I mean, really? It's ridiculous.

Like a sad school girl, I carried two huge boob holders (crane included to assist in holding them up) through the store, positive that everyone was looing at them and thinking, "Sweet heavens! That lady's tits are HUGE! Look at those bras! We can use them as boats." I'm sure the checkout lady needed to stretch it out after lifting them up and bagging them.

Lesson learned. Never ever laugh at an article of clothing before putting it on your body. It's just a bad idea.