What is this feeling...HOPE?

This morning, I woke up and the first thought I had was, "I, for the first time in my entire life, have a normal and healthy uterus!"

Surgery was great! My doc said that the septum was half the length of my uterus at around 1.5 inches. He originally thought it was 1.5 cm. Big difference! Because it was so big, I have to take estrogen for two weeks to promote healing and lessen the chance for scar tissue. Then, after my appointment in February, we are free to start trying again. We'll do meds again and an iui. It's our decision and our doc said he was on board for whatever we wanted to do.

I feel so grateful that we found him because, for the first time in a long time, I have an amazing feeling of hope running through me. I really feel that this infertility journey is about to have one amazing conclusion!

New Uterus Surgery

Well, tomorrow is the day. The septum surgery that will help us get and stay pregnant is finally going to happen. I have mixed emotions. On one hand, I'm beyond excited that there is a fixable problem that can be fixed. On the other hand, what if it doesn't work. What if there are still so many underlying hormonal issues that it doesn't matter if I have the perfect uterus. I know. One thing at a time. But, I don't work that way.

Eight years of infertility makes a person jaded. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then...there's the "what if I get pregnant" stress. Yeah, doesn't make much sense, does it? But, really it does. Pregnancy brings an entirely different kind of worry that scares the living mess out of me. I have this visualization track on my iPod that my doctor recommended. It really did work to help me think more positively. I stopped listening to it when we put the iui on hold and scheduled the surgery. I think I'll start listening to it again next week to help calm my fears.

Okay. Here goes nothing! Next time I write, I'll have a regular bionic uterus capable of carrying a baby during a very healthy and normal pregnancy...how's that for positive!!

IF and the feelings of loss

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
                                     ~Laura Bush

I came across this quote today and found it very true. It's hard to explain that with every negative cycle and each miscarriage there is a feeling of loss that accompanies it. Those that have never been infertile will never understand. I guess that's a good thing. The pain of infertility isn't one you want to spread all around. An infertile couple has a lot of time wrapped up in imagining their unconceived child. What will his personality be like? Who will she look like? Month after month, every negative pregnancy test seems like saying goodbye to that unborn child again and again.

The hope in our case is that my stubbornness and will to succeed is far greater than the infertility we have come across in our journey. Yes, it's been an 8 year battle, but I have a lot more fight left. Watch out IF...I'm here to kick your ass.

We had the pre op appointment today and it went well. I feel very reassured that it is indeed a septum and not a bicornate uterus, as other doctors thought it was. He was able to show us pictures from my sonohysterogram to show me that the uterus is completely normal on the outside. He also wrote me about six prescriptions for antibiotics, pain meds, and birth control!

Yes. I said birth control. Taking that pill today made me crack up! It's to keep my lining thin for surgery but, it's still funny! And, he told us to use back up protection...really? I wouldn't be here if I needed back up protection!

So, we are all set to have a new bionic and modified uterus! He feels very hopeful that this surgery will help. We also talked about upping my doses of fertility meds the next time. I have weird things going on with my hormones and he thinks that different (read:higher) doses will also help. Oh, and my progesterone sucked. So, I'll get a booster shot to help with that after the iui. Of course, we will be waiting until somewhere in the middle of February before any of this gets started back up any way, but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end. I know I'd do it all over again if it leads to a baby.

Picture of a Septum...Yummy.

So, here's what I have. This isn't mine, but when we had the saline ultrasound, you could see the water shoot into those two tube looking things. It shouldn't have done that. It should have been just one whole open tube. The part in the middle shouldn't be there. Babies like to implant on that middle part and it has no blood flow, so that's bad. It will be snipped. I will be fixed!

It reminds me of a pig's nose.

What's Wrong With My Lady Parts?

I feel like I've told this same story a zillion times, but I think I can do it once more. A few years ago I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts and endometriosis. Endo really sucks, but mine has only ever gotten to stage two, so I consider myself lucky. Every once in awhile, a doctor will tell us that I have a bicornate uterus. That means that the outside is shaped like a heart rather than nice and round shaped. This has little impact on fertility because blood flow is still good in the uterus. So, we didn't really worry ourselves over it. One doctor did offer to cut my uterus in half and stitch it back together. I wasn't feeling that, which is the reason we left out third fertility doc.

Over the last 8 years, we've seen many fertility doctors, attempted adoption and still ended up empty handed. To say we were frustrated would be putting it mildly. After a dream that I had, which brought me an amazing peace about losing our baby, I decided I was ready to try again. I did some research and found that one of the most successful fertility doctors in our state happens to be a little over an hour from our home. To make it better, he is a war veteran. That was comforting to me. Living with a war vet, I know first hand that they can complete difficult missions under extreme pressure and won't stop until the job is done. Plus, they take care of their own. Considering that getting Chad and I to have another baby was a mission in need of someone like this, we hired him. Of course, Chad had to meet him and decide he wasn't a self-absorbed prick first. His words, not mine.

Our newest fertility doc, did this most awful test where they shoot a crap ton of saline in your uterus. It wasn't fun, to say the least. But, he found that I do NOT have a bicornate uterus. It is, in fact, a septum coming down the middle of my uterus. If a baby implants on it, the survival rate is very meek. From the research I've done, most babies like to settle down in the top middle part of the uterus...right where the septum starts. This carries a miscarriage rate of 80%. Having it removed reverses the miscarriage/success rate to that of a normal woman. The septum, a band of fibers which has no blood flow, can be removed through surgery. We were both thrilled and pissed. Thrilled because after 8 years, we may have found our biggest issue. Pissed because it took 8 years for someone to finally  look into why we couldn't get pregnant.

So, surgery has been scheduled. Three weeks from Friday, I'll have my new, improved ultra uterus. Whoopie! Oh, and I have to be on birth control pills before and after the surgery. How funny is that? Someone who hasn't been able to get pregnant for 8 years has to be on birth control?! Ha! I understand why, it's just funny! In February, we'll decide what our next steps will be. Most likely, I'll want to shoot myself full of drugs and do an IUI. This new doc wants to be aggressive, and so do we. I can't let my new uterus go bad :)

Updates in Order

I feel like some updating is in order to get this whole blog up and running. I'll start here: I am an infertile. My girl parts are currently not cooperating with the mission at hand. That mission is baby making. When I was a little girl, I wanted a crap ton of kids. I'm Catholic, what can I say? Luckily, I met my husband who, although not Catholic, just so happens to have a lucky number of 7. Everything has to end in 7: The amount of money spent at the gas pump, his alarm clock time...and as convinced by me, the number of children we need running around our home. However, after 8 years of trying, we are still only at one.

Now, I know. I hear ya. Can't you just be happy with one? Well, I am beyond happy with our son. He is the reason I wake up each and everyday. He makes my heart smile. However, if I'm being honest, the thought of having only one child scares me to death. I think about how lonely he will be as an adult. He is the only grandchild on both sides. When my husband and I are gone, he is literally going to be all alone. Of course, he will hopefully be married and have a family of his own, but no siblings. Family is more important to me than anything else on this planet, so the thought of my most precious child being alone, without close family, depresses me.

But, it isn't all about my feelings here. I so desperately want him to have someone to grow up with and experience all of the fun things kids are supposed to experience with other kids. Disney World, Christmas morning, playing at the park, or playing inside on a rainy day. So far, he's had to do all of these things with his parents. And, while we're super fantastic, we're not kids. It just isn't the same.

Then, there is the fact that my husband missed the birth of our son. He was serving in Iraq for most of my pregnancy and the first 6 months of our son's life. He missed all of those things that new dads get to experience with a new baby. The sleepless nights, the smell of baby spit up, the first tar-like poop. Above all, he missed seeing his only child take his first breath and declare that he was here and ready to take on the world. Now, had we not had our son, I wouldn't know what he had missed out on either. Maybe I could give it up then. But, I just can't. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a quitter. I win. Perhaps in my adult life, I should call it "success", but it translates the same: Come hell or high water, I WILL get knocked up. It will take an entire army, but I'm okay with that, too!

There was a blogger who...got lost in translation.

Okay, I'm going to try this blogging thing again. My last two blogs were hacked into and my email was compromised. I had no idea that when I deleted those email addresses the blogs would be gone, too. I've done some security updating to my email and hopefully, that fixed the issues.