30+4 Weeks

Here I am. Thirty weeks pregnant. Wow.

Seeing as how it's pretty eminent that a baby is coming, not that I believe it yet, we decided to get things together. This weekend, we tackled the baby's room. The dresser and changing table (that I swore I didn't want) are now assembled and waiting for little missy to poo all over. Crazy, right?

Ayden is more and more excited everyday and talks to the baby all the time. The hubs and I are just freaked out. Actually, the hubs is stressed from putting furniture together all weekend. I'm freaked out.

My dad, being the sweet guy that he is, wanted to purchase the car seat for us. Super nice of him, but he wants it to be her Christmas present. Also, sweet, but somehow I need to explain that it's entirely possible that she'll be here before Christmas and we'll need that present a tad early. Plus, it would be nice to install it pre hospital admittance.

We have all of the major items now and just need little things, soaps, lotions, whatever else calls my name from now until December. A friend of ours is letting us buy her Mamaroo for $100. She only used it for her baby for about 5 months. Great deal for us!

I'm trying to get FMLA figured out at work. I was forced to use days when I did IVF, even though I didn't want to, so that has screwed me now. I'm so very not happy about it, but there's not much I can do, I guess. Just be pissed.

29+4 Weeks

I missed week 28 and I'm not really sure where it went. All of a sudden, the 30's are coming up fast. This weekend, the hubs and I took three days for a little time away before the craziness of the holidays and the baby get here. We had a wonderful time and we are both pooped. I'm not really sure how I'm actually typing this because my eyes are barely staying open.

This Thursday I'll be 30 weeks. Holy crap. Then, on Saturday, we have our childbirth class. Apparently, I'm supposed to birth this baby. I keep getting emails from random sites that I use for baby development updates that are telling me to pack a bag for the hospital. Weird. Like, really odd.

The rest of the furniture was delivered while we were gone, so now the hubs needs to get it put together so I can feel a little more prepared because, right now, I don't feel prepared. At all. Not even a little.

Mentally, I'm still not really believing this is real. I think I just need to hold her to know she is absolutely okay. Then, I can believe it. Hopefully, we can still manage to get things ready even though we feel like frauds while we're doing it!

Hello, 3rd Tri! 27 weeks

I know I've said it many times, but I absolutely don't understand how I made it this far. I really don't. On the way to work, I realized that it probably has a lot to do with all of the babies that we've lost. I really didn't trust my body to get me this far. Look at her now! If our baby was born now, she'd have a 95% viability rate. Not shabby odds! Granted, I'd much rather wait another couple of months to meet her.

Our pack n play came in the mail yesterday and we put it together tonight. It was so weird. We plan on keeping it set up downstairs to use the bassinet and changing table features early on during the day. Once we got it together, we couldn't stop laughing. There will be an actual baby in this thing. Like a tiny baby who we get to raise. So weird.

I am 100% sure that neither of us will actually believe this for a second until we see her little gooey face when she is born. How can anyone comprehend that there is a living baby growing in you, especially an infertile? It just doesn't make sense. Kinda like planes. That much metal shouldn't be able to fly either. I really think that whole flying thing is just a hoax anyway.

Ayden has decided that he wants the baby to be born on his 1/2 birthday, December 12th. I'll be a couple of days over 38 weeks. I'm not sure that he understands that you don't typically get to pick the day. But, we'll just let him dream.

I would like to have her before Christmas for lots of reasons. Mainly, and selfishly, I have waited 11 years to have more than one child sitting in front of the tree on Christmas morning. This year, Ayden still believes in Santa. He's a little old for it, but I've held on to it hoping that I could let him enjoy the idea of Santa with a sibling some day. Granted, the baby will have no clue what's going on, but I will. See, selfish. I told the hubs that if Ayden asks about Santa this year, not to let me know if he tells him. I have issues. I get it.

We are contemplating my hysterectomy. It makes me really sad to know that I'll never have another baby, but I cannot do the pregnancy thing again. The stress from this pregnancy was more than either of us could do again. This leaves our one embryo, Dudly, out in the world of the unknown. See, if we get our hopes up and do a transfer, I just can't take one more "nope you're broken, BFN." However, if we don't transfer, we'll feel like horrible people. Plus, the fear that we'd miscarry if it did take is more than I can even think about. It's a lot to talk about, but the idea of no endo pain sounds amazing.

26 Weeks

I forgot to post last week and we've had a lot going on! The nursery is coming right along. The crib is all set up. The mattress has been raised, the skirt is on, the quilt that I said I wasn't getting but did anyway is hanging over the side never to be used. But, it's adorable! Pink curtains hung. Forty hangers hanging in the closet with tiny clothes.

Last weekend, we bought our stroller after some debate. We originally wanted an UPPA Ba.by stroller, but found an amazing deal on a Britax one instead. If we decide that we don't like it, we'll upgrade later. For now, it's perfect and the price was amazing! Buying a big item was very weird. I felt like a fake. With my huge gut. Yeah. Sure did.

Next month is the sibling class, birth class, and our babymoon. I can't even believe that it's time for all of that already. When I scheduled all of those things, I was certain that we wouldn't actually make it that far. Who knew?

Little girl (who does have a name that you'll know when she is born) is moving like crazy! It is absolutely amazing. Even though I don't want to be pregnant ever again, I will miss feeling a baby move. There is nothing like it. Especially when they kick your bladder and make you pee yourself.

24+3

We made it! I am over  24 weeks pregnant and things are still great. Who knew?

As for me, I'm feeling amazing. My back hurts, I'm swollen at the end of the day, and my sciatic nerve is acting up, but I certainly wouldn't trade it for not being pregnant. I seriously have no complaints at all.

Now that I have started to realize that I'm actually going to be having a real life baby, I realized that I should probably get busy on her nursery. I still refer to the room as the "extra room" which confuses my mom. Perhaps I am still having issues with connecting to the reality of what is happening, but at least I'm realizing that there is a room in my house that needs filled with pink stuff. Lots of it.

I'm not into the cute bedding sets, so we've I've just decided on colors that we'll use in the room. The walls are a pale blue from when Ayden was in there and I'm not planning on changing it. Less work = happy me. So, we'll accent with pink, green, and yellow. It might end up looking like a rainbow puked all over, but I'm okay with that for now.

Because I'm having a hard time getting things done in the extra room, I decided that it was time to buy clothes. Lots of clothes. There were amazing Labor Day sales, what can I say? The box came in the mail and I was pretty shocked at how much I actually bought. Oops! Ayden is pretty sure that she's set on clothes until she's 4.

One of my cousins has sent the baby two pairs of shoes and they are absolutely adorable! The baby now has 4 pairs of completely useless shoes that she'll probably lose, but whatever. She also has more hair bands and clips for hair that may or may not exist. Probably also unnecessary, but the damage has been done.

Lately, I'm also into freaking myself out about how little time is left. I had Ayden at just over 37 weeks. That's only 13 weeks away. Yikes. If 24 weeks went fast, imagine how quickly 13 weeks will go by. Yikes! Before we know it, we'll be a family of 4!

Today. The last day I am allowing myself to worry.

Today is finally here and almost over. Today, I am 23 weeks and 6 days. One day away from the first level of viability. Tomorrow, they will try to save her if she is born early. Tomorrow, I can finally allow myself to believe that this might just have a happy ending.

My baby girl has fought to survive inside of my crazy uterus. She will have my strength and for that I'm so thankful. We can start to dream about what she will look like, what it will feel like to hold her in our arms.

To celebrate, the outfit that I bought to bring her home came in the mail today. It is absolutely amazing that I will actually be putting that outfit on my baby girl. Miracles really do happen people.

This all being said, today I am thankful to my body. It has nourished my babies. It might have fought me along the way, but in the end, she got her act together.

I have been having a hard time realizing that we should be getting ready to bring two babies home. My doctor said it would come in waves. This wave is pretty big right now. When I see twins or someone mentions them out of nowhere, it makes my heart ache. I am so grateful for our blessing, but I wonder what it would have been like to watch them grow up together. No matter how sad I am about it, just like my other miscarriage, nothing will change it. I'm trying to just focus on our baby girl and know that someday, we'll meet our other babies.

We have nothing.

Well, we have clothes thanks to an online shopping spree, but as I get closer to 24 weeks (my safe zone), I'm realizing that time is going pretty fast and we have nothing. I started looking at furniture last night and that was overwhelming. Too many choices. So, I went back to cute baby clothes. Much easier.

Honestly, I'm trying to narrow down exactly what we need compared to crap we won't really use. I think since this is my second and we are starting over with baby gear, I'm full aware that some of it will only get used for a few months and then be sold, given away, etc.

Of course, there's all of the little stuff that we need that I kinda forgot about. Bottles anyone? Yeah. We are seriously starting over. Luckily, we've been saving money to buy the stuff even though we haven't been comfortable enough to actually purchase anything yet. Before I felt like a fraud. Now, I feel confused and rushed. Yeah. I have 16 weeks left. I realize that. But, the Fall is CRAZY busy with sports and holidays, etc. So, that time will fly by.

Some of the stuff I can just order online, but some of it I need to get my hands on. The hubs is overwhelmed with the choices, too. Shopping should be lovely. Maybe we should take Ayden to help make choices.

I am three days away from viability. Three. My anxiety is pretty high as it gets closer, so hopefully it goes quickly. To celebrate on Wednesday, the hubs and I were gonna go out to dinner while Ayden was at practice. Well, he has a game on Wednesday. Honestly, it will be a perfect way to celebrate! I can have dinner out anytime. I'll just make him take me the next night :)