BCP's and happiness!

I received my surgery packet in the mail today and was shocked and thrilled to see a prescription for bcp's in the packet. I am to start taking them today. For me, this means, combined with the post-op hormone suppression, I will not have ovulation pains or a period for four months! After this past weekend, I can't even begin to explain how happy this makes me! Better yet, the pain meds that my doc gave me over the weekend make me super dizzy and I was NOT happy about having to take them the month before surgery. Of course, it's better than the pain, but not needing them or being in pain is the best gift ever. I'm so excited I could pee my pants!! Speaking of peeing, my doc thinks I have I intercystial cystitis (IC). It's this bladder condition that many with endo have and it causes frequency, urgency, and pain with a full bladder. I can check all three. I can pee and then have to go really badly two minutes later. It's annoying. The pain is the worst. There's no cure, but the doc will go in and check out my bladder when I'm knocked out, thank goodness for that. He can inflate my bladder and see if I have the ulcers and missing lining in my bladder. If I do, then I have IC. Just inflating my bladder will give some relief from some of the symptoms. There are meds I can take also, but I'll have it forever. So, that's fun. It's also an auto immune disease, like endo, which is why women with endo are more likely to have it. My doc said he thinks I've been "blessed" with the Endometriosis trifecta: Endo, IC, and IBS. They tend to come together as a package deal. As if endo wasn't bad enough by itself. At least I know my hot mess of a body isn't all in my head. Someday, he told me, I might even be diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia...as if I wasn't already having enough fun. Have I mentioned lately that endo sucks? On a fun note, we are collecting more information about a couple f kiddos that are up for adoption. So, pray for us that one of them is made to be part of our family. Ayden has been talking about it quite a bit lately. So, the hubs and I are being a little more aggressive in our search. It is a frustrating process, but we just have to stick it out I guess.

I hate endo...it sucks donkey butt.

I've spent the weekend in a place I'd like to call endo hell. It sucked. And, my mil is rather insensitive. So, that was lovely. Let's just say, the moaning from the bathroom on Friday night woke up the hubs, who thought I was dying. Death would have been a nice relief actually. A possible tmi warning, but here's the story: at 4am Saturday morning, I woke up drenched in sweat and in pain in the dirty ute. So, I got up to take a 800mg ibuprofen, which doesn't really do much, but I was hoping it would give me enough relief to get back to sleep. When I laid back down, I must have twisted in a way that my jacked up organs didn't like and they let me know it. For fear of waking my hubs up, I stumbled back into the bathroom and sat on the pot for the next hour, waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in. As I waited, I apparently was under so much stress and in so much pain that my arms (and rest of my body) were covered in sweat. It was horrible. I was apparently moaning and screaming because the hubs woke up to make sure I wasn't dying. So, that was nice of him. When I was finally able to stand up, I realized that my leg had fallen asleep. Great. So, I drug my leg behind me and crawled back into bed where I semi-slept with a heating pad until 7am. The hubs talked me into calling the doc on call and I'm so glad I did. It was my own doc and he felt horrible. I hate his nursing staff, but he is amazing. He said there was no reason for my pain to keep an entire family awake at night. So, he called in a pain med and I was in heaven all day yesterday. It was such a wonderful relief. He gave me enough to get me through until my surgery at the end of the month and I am so grateful for that. Being in that much pain two weeks out of the month isn't what I consider fun. As for the mil, we went to a family reunion, which I was going to skip because of the pain, but Mr. Pain pill allowed me to go and eat some amazing food. That's a cure to any ailment. But, on the way, I was telling her about my wretched night. She was talking about remembering when she'd pass a "huge clot" (her words. Sorry!) and how much it hurt. I explained that I'd been there and even the pain from that would have been a welcome relief. To which she said, "Don't you imagine passing those is like having a miscarriage?!" Luckily, I was on pain meds and my brain functioning had found it's lowest point and I couldn't respond. I think she realized what she said and felt bad, because she changed the conversation rather quickly. Today I have lots of responses. Here are a few: "No. That's nothing like a miscarriage." or "You are rather insensitive. When I had my miscarriage, the emotional pain was much worse than the physical labor pains. Which also sucked and were much worse than your 'giant clot' that you passed. It's completely different." or (insert blank stare) "Seriously?" But, I wouldn't have said any of those things because I wouldn't have wanted to hurt her feelings. Ironic, huh?

WTF appointment

Basically, the gist of the appointment is: Endo is a little b----. Our RE said the three cycles were perfect on paper. Of course, the only reason we could all decide upon keepmg them from working was my endo. She's a dirty whore. After explaining to the do that I really did twang to do ivf, but was at the point where it was all we were left with, he said that if we take care of the endo and do some hormone suppression (not Lupron) our chances of ivf working are around 60%. after eightyears of this, I'm not crossing my fingers. If I were a betting lady, I bet on the 40% chance of it not working. Good attitude, huh? It's okay. I'll come around. We won't even start ivf until the Spring. I have time. Surgery for endo, which I am honestly thrilled for, is August 17th. Then, we'll do a hormone suppression for eight weeks, ie. no period or pain for a couple of months! Yay! That part excites me. A lot. No pain for two whole months. I won't even know what to do with myself! Maybe I'll actually start running again without having to stop a routine every couple of months because it is time for some pain. So, I have a few months to get over my lack of enthusiasm for ivf and enjoy my pain-free life.

Making a decision: AKA marriage is one giant compromise

IVF is something that the hubs and I agreed that we wouldn't try. We never really said why each of us didn't want to, we just knew neither of us was interested. For me, when I look at the cost vs. the odds, adoption wins out. For us, adoption and ivf will be the same cost. Clearly, one has better odds of success. Maybe a longer wait time, but I was okay with that. Also, what to do with the frosties? I am not comfortable donating them to another couple or to science, nor am I willing to just throw them away. The only option for me is to eventually, over time, transfer them all. That is just absurd. So, I steered myself away from IVF. Funny thing about time though. I gives people time to think, change their minds, and become stubborn. When I presented my newly found adoption info to the hubs, he was less than thrilled. As in, he doesn't want to adopt a baby. I voiced my displeasure in wasting my time finding information and getting my hopes up, which of course was followed by tears. The hubs wasn't caving. The short, non-intrusive on my hubs' feelings version is: he wants to do ivf. Where the hell did this come from? Left field? For once in my life I was speechless. After I picked my jaw off the floor, we shared our views on the topic. Me: same stance as before we started this conversation. The hubs: if we're planning on saving money anyway, he'd rather it was for ivf. The war jacked him all up. He feels robbed of those first few seconds with his own child. Not the months that followed, just those very first few moments. Apparently, the memo from the Red Cross in Iraq didn't quite cut it. To know all that my husband has gone through since coming home and now voicing that this is the one thing he regrets the most in life, "if" ivf would work, he deserves the chance to try. So, I compromised. We are both comfortable with an older child adoption. So, that's still something we both hope for. Ivf, over the next few days, I came around. If we're going to throw money at something, my whole being would be thrilled to give my hubs this one thing that he can't seem to get over. The man is sentimental to the core. He refuses to hold a baby younger than Ayden was when he met him. Clearly, this is something I should have realized earlier was so important to him, he just never voiced it in quite the right way I guess. So, Thursday is our wtf appointment with our re. At the appointment, I plan on putting together our final chapter in ttc'ing. Although, I thought I already did...ah, life.

Information overload.

I cannot believe how the cost of doing the same thing can vary so greatly. It's absolutely absurd. However, I think I've found three attorneys and agencies to present to the hubs. I think I'll lay it all out there in an aggressive manor, as I displayed the other night. Apparently, that works. Who knew? The three I found have a low up front cost, which is important when you want to use three to help you. Since we already have the scariest thing, the homestudy, done, it's really just a matter of getting our profile book together. Then, we meet with the different agencies/ attorneys and start to wait. I even started cleaning out the nursery, which is big. I haven't been in there for extended periods of time since my miscarriage and that was years ago. Well, Ayden must have decided somewhere in those few years that toys and books that he doesn't want to play with anymore should be stored there. While my first reaction was to get upset, it ended up being fun going through his old books we read together. He has been such a joy and reading together at bedtime was one of the favorite times of my day. Now he's too cool for that, but he will read to me, which is still amazing. I cannot wait to hear him reading to a new sibling. I know there's a lot of work and waiting between now and then, but these thoughts keep me fighting to find our family's missing piece.

Don't get whiplash...

But, we're changing gears around here. Adoption is the name of the game. The hubs and I are going all in. For a newborn. It only makes sense. We've been waiting for two years with cps and have gotten nowhere. We've spent thousands on fertility treatments, surgeries, and traveling to doctors offices all over our state and our arms are still empty. This past week we updated our homestudy which is required every two years and went camping. Camping is definately NOT our thing. We only lasted one night and couldn't wait to leave the next day. It was horrible. For all of us. It was hotter than hot and we all were miserable. But, being out in the middle of nowhere with no cell service gives a person time to think. So, I did. And, maybe it allowed me to realize what I want but was afraid to admit because it means the road we were traveling down was a wrong turn. I want a baby. In our situation, there's only one way to go about it. Newborn adoption. Scary. But, in my heart, it felt right. So, I broached the subject with the hubs. He's not against adoption, but was just prepared for an older child. So, I had to lay it out there. Tell him that this is what I've wanted all along. I just needed the quiet of a scary tent where animals were eating our food in the middle of the night to hear the calling. After I told him about my recent realization, I believe he said something about being patient...wrongo buddy! I believe my response was something like, "patient?! You think I need to be patient? I'm 33. Ayden is 9. We've been at this for 8 years. We've spent thousands of dollars on patience. I am OUT of patience. OUT! I cannot take the emotions that go along with this patience of Job you expect me to find anymore. Patience has left the building. Let me introduce you to "Mom on a mission". She threw patience out the door buddy!" I think I scared him. Perfect. It was right where I needed him. Putty in my hands. See, last night, I prayed that God would help me find the words to use to explain how important this is to me to my hubs. I seem to fall short sometimes, not wanting to scare the crap out of him. Well, for the first time in 8 years, my prayers were answered. The hubs told me to gather all of the information I could and we'd make a plan...In my hubs's language this means, "Go for it!" So, that's what I've been doing the last few days. I've gathered more information than google could gather in one search attempt. Plan in place? I think so! It will involve some creative fundraising and saving techniques, but knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we can do it!

Darn storms

Our social worker was supposed to come by for our home study update today, but in the terrible storms we had over the weekend, a tree fell on her car. How horrible! So, we are moving it to Friday. The campgrounds we are going to this week lost power. They have phone service and a generator hooked up to their pool. So, they are still open, not busy, and have no shower/restrooms except port a pots....ick! We had the option to change dates, but after talking it over, we need to get away. So, we are roughing it a little more than we originally expected, but we'll make the best of it. Hiking and fishing are still possible, so we'll just be a little extra smellier than we originally thought, but whatever. We'll take a dip in the pool to cool off and enjoy our time together.