Still in a positive frame of mind...even with the madness

I have no idea how I came to such a state of mind tonight, but I am pretty calm and quite positive still. My in laws, hubs, Ayden, and I were supposed to go to Cleveland this weekend, but without knowing when the iui will be, we had to pull out. The in laws were pissed apparently because they did the hotel reservation and got non-refundable rooms (who does that anyway). For Christmas this past year, we got my FIL 2 Indians baseball tickets for him and Ayden for this weekend's game, so we were assuming they were still taking Ayden even though the hubs and I weren't going anymore. It would have made going back and forth to the RE's office easier, but from what I gather, they're so mad that we're not going that now the MIL and the FIL are using the tickets. Ayden was already promised one of them and it's all he has talked about this week, so he'll be upset. Once again, my infertility is a burden. I was super upset that they were leaving him out, but what can I do? Stressing and being sad/upset for Ayden won't change it, so I've decided to take the high road and think about the bigger picture. I'll work on forgiving them, but when you hurt/upset the baby bear, momma bear isn't happy. Regardless, we have our follie check tomorrow, cd 9, and another E2 check.

School's out for the summer!

While I love my job like crazy, I also love summer! This summer, the plan is to start by getting knocked up. I'm currently on cd 6 and had my 4th injection of follistim. Hopefully, something is going on in there. I have an appointment tomorrow to have my E2 checked. I can honestly say that I have no idea what the number is supposed to be, and I truly don't care to know what it is either. If I don't have numbers to analyze and scrutinize over, I'll have less stress. Ok, I'm off to do some summer relaxing!

Cd 4 of my last ttc cycle

Here I am. Already of cd 4 of my last ttc cycle. It's the last for a couple of reasons. First, it's going to work, so there's no reason to do anoer one. Second, we're fresh out of money to continue and the money tree I planted has yet to develop it's fruit. And, lastly, I'm done. I need to move on with my life. Eight years is enough. I mean, if it works, it will be worth every cent we spent, every mile we drove, and every tear we shed. But, even if it doesn't work, it will have been worth it. It made me who I am today. Unfortunately, who I am this moment is someone with two bruises on my stomach. I'm not sure why, but the last two shots have made me bruise at the injection sites. This hasn't happened before, so I'll take it as a sign that this month will be different for many reasons. Ayden mentioned that we were having bab{ies} the other day. So, I guess he's on board, too. I'll settle for one, but more would be fine, too.

cd1 + an adult beverage

This post is a necessary one, but later I might read it and think, "What the heck was I thinking when I wrote that?" You see, I've had a drink. I'm a pretty light weight drinker and I've had 3, 800mg of  ibuprofen and 6 tylenol over the course of the day to work on these killer cramps. They've done nothing but kill my liver. I'm still walking half bent over, so I thought, why not have one little drink...well, it was a pretty strong one. So, I take no responsibility for whatever I say next. Typically, I don't drink during a cycle where we're ttc. But, as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for ya?" Since my answer is, "Not so freaking well," I figured, why not?! Sadly, my one and only drink for this ttc cycle tasted like cough syrup, but the computer screen is quite blury, so it did it's job and my cramps are practically non-existant. Yay!

Okay, so the real reason for this post isn't to talk about how I could never be an alcoholic because I'm a light weight, but to declare today cd 1 of my very last EVER ttc cycle with an RE. We just flat out can't afford IVF. Which I'm actually fine with. Maybe that's the alcohol talking...but I think I really am.

With the start of cd 1 comes the call to the RE's nurse hotline. Unfortunately, my cd 3 is on Saturday. So, I needed to get in for my u/s tomorrow. Well, since tomorrow is the last day of my school year and I couldn't come in, they needed to see me today. (I blame them and the crotch wand for the wretched cramps.) So, after working most of the day, I drove the hour and a half to my RE's office for my cd1/3 u/s.

When I arrived, the nurse took me back and weighed me. Really? It's cd 1. I'm bloated and look 49 months pregnant. So, I stood backwards and told her not to tell me what it said. She obliged and took me to my room where she informed me that my RE had a resident with him and asked if I minded if she came in the room. Really? Like it matters at this point. Every who in whoville has seen my lady parts by this point in my ttc life, so why not.

Remember, I'm on cd 1. So, I was already NOT in the mood for this u/s...then, in walks my RE, the resident, and my nurse. So, I shouted, "Anyone else out there want to join us?" My RE laughed and said something about the room being a clown room. At least we found a doc with a sense of humor.

I have a good count on each ovary and they're both calm and ready to go. The resident did my u/s and the RE had to point on the screen to tell her which direction to go with the crotch wand. Kinda scary. Whatever.

We recaped my last ttc cycle. My progesterone was pretty low last month. I had a pretty short 26 day cycle. The RE said that last month was a great cycle, numbers wise, and he really thought it would work. But, he was thinking it was the Femara. So, we dropped it like an old habit for this month.

Here's the new game plan that has to work because I said so: Follistim, cd 3 until whenever RE says to trigger. We will hopefully have more than one follie for the swimmers to aim for, unlike in the months on Femara. This plan adds an extra appointment or two, but I told him it was our last one, so we were willing to go all in. I'll go next Wednesday for an E2 blood draw and then on Friday for an u/s and another E2. Then, we'll see what happens next based on Friday's appointment.

I have been telling myself that I'm doing this for my son so he isn't alone when my hubs and I are gone, but I realized that I want this, too. I want a baby. If I can be picky, a girl would be fun. Expensive, but fun. But, of course, I'll take whatever I'm given and love him/her to pieces...Then, I'm having my uterus ripped out so I don't have to kill my liver with pain meds and alcohol.

So, raise your glasses to this month. Here we go. It's all or nothing. Balls deep. Watch out here I come. I'm kicking infertility to the curb and telling her who's boss.

This week...here goes nothing!

I should start AF any day now. The sooner, the better. This is my last week of school before summer break. I'll have to miss some afternoon for my cd3 u/s. I would much rather have it be on Wednesday or Thursday since I am pretty sure I can't be out on Friday anyway. Look, I'm stressing already. Ok. I'm over it. Oh, are those cramps I feel. Oh boy! Fingers crossed...

Apparently, my hubs forgot/didn't know/lost his mind, or something. I told him that it was time to gear up for our last cycle. He said he thought we were done...seriously? He's insane. I explained that we weren't done because I wasn't knocked up. He looked confused and then somewhere in the back of his mind, must have found the memory of us saying that we'd try one more month...sweet heavens. Then, he mumbled something about money and being able to afford treatments and then I tuned out until his vent was over. Of course, I do care if we spend every last dime on treatments. But, we haven't, yet, so I'm not worried.

So, I think everyone is on the same page now. Hopefully, AF decides to cooperate and start tomorrow or Tuesday...

Mental Block

After my miscarriage in 2006, I questioned my ability to be able to stay pregnant. I think it's a fear that I've had a hard time letting go of. But, while driving home yesterday, I had the realization that I have indeed carried a pregnancy to full term and now with my body in better shape with my septum fixed, I can certainly do it again. It actually made me realize that infertility has become my fallback when another cycle fails. But, now I need to make my mind realize that it's okay to be pregnant and that I can and will do it. Next month is our very last cycle of treatments. On one hand, that's scary. On the other hand, it's a relief to know that this does have a finish line. I just pray that my real finish line is in 10 months after my last cycle is a success and I'm holding a healthy baby in my arms.

Waiting for AF...

It's funny how that works. The last two months, I didn't want to see AF. Now, that we're in wait mode, I can't wait for next month and my next AF to get back to ttc'ing. I know that my next AF will bring big changes for us. It will be our very last iui ever. It just has to work. This is kind of a relief. Partially, because I know it will work :) It has to. Plus, I have a feeling in my gut that it will work. Of course, I said that the last two months, but I was just kidding.

The hubs and I are thinking "baby", too. We have three cars, but two drivers. Kind of dumb and a huge waste of money. The most expensive of the three cars sits in the driveway most days of the week. Really dumb. So, we've decided to trade in two of the cars and get something that a backwards facing carseat will fit into. None of the three we have now would be what we'd consider practical with all of that baby stuff. We test drove a few and it was fun talking about which vehicles would allow for a baby seat in the back. It definately made it seem that it is a real possibility.

I really need to work on my stress level though. I'm not sure how, but I need to do something. It's not about ttc'ing, but life in general. Mainly, I just saw my total student loan amount after finishing my Masters...that will freak a person out. Maybe I need to get a run or two in. Otherwise, I'm going to drive the hubs crazy this weekend!!