Calling in the big wigs

If you would have asked me 10 years ago whether I'd do IVF, I would have given you a definite, "no". However, here we sit, one failed fresh and one failed frozen, and only little frozen guy left...

So, what do you do then? Call CC.RM. The best of the best. The people who have the answers when no one else has a clue what is going wrong.

Today was our phone consult. I LOVED the doctor we picked. After carefully reading the bios online, I decided on Dr. Surry. Truly, I knew it was going to be between two doctors, but Dr. Surry's bio mentioned endo, making the decision easier.

From the moment he called, he made the hubs and I feel like he really wanted to help. He listened and offered tests we hadn't done yet, which was the point of this consult in the first place.

He clearly thinks that my endo is causing implantation issues. We had 4 high grade embryos. None implanted. There is a biopsy that can be done, but his idea was to forgo the biopsy and just treat me like the protein that should be there isn't because I have high grade endo. One less test? Ok!

Of course, he mentioned testing the hubs' sperm with a different test than he's had done and this was something our RE here mentioned doing, as well. So, I think we'll go ahead with that, too. There is a possibility of not having any good embryos and that being the cause of the implantation failure, so he obviously recommended testing of our embryos.

In my mind, I just saw dollar signs adding up. I was pretty sure that the hubs was seeing the same thing. I'm not sure we'll do IVF with them right away, but we need to do the newer tests.

We decided to at least go through with the ODWU (one day work up) at ccrm and go from there. We just really want answers darn it. And, Dr. Surrey said that clearly something is being missed or is going wrong , but he said that after 10 years, something should be happening. He is hopeful because we haven't been trying aggressively for 10 years, so we haven't run out of options. That made us happy. He did recommend being pretty aggressive from here on out because, even though we're young-ish, I'm a hot endo mess!

Overall, it was a great meeting and I'm so freaking happy that this place exists. There is one more place in the world that might give us answers. Ten years ago, I'd have though you were completely nuts if you'd have told me I'd be going to the top place in the country to try and have a baby. But, I am so thankful that it is an option.

Drug through the mud

They decided to keep the little boy with the foster family he is with now. To say this is a surprise is a huge understatement. We were told all along that this was never going to happen because they are old. They are in their 70's. We were told they would be looking at the long term quality of life for the little boy. He is only 15 months old. So, they'll most likely not be around for most of his life.

I absolutely want what is best for him. To say this is what is best, I'm not sure. I feel like we have been lied to for three months and to say that I'm pissed is pretty accurate. Our worker felt horrible because she was floored herself. She said the meeting went on for 2 hours and there was a lot of arguing about the issue. I know that things happen for a reason. If you can explain this reason, have at it.

I'm just exhausted. I'm beat down. Ten years this December, we've spent chasing a dream, like idiots. I was ready to give up and just be done. But, then the hubs checked the expiration date on some meds I had promised to donate to someone just starting the whole RE thing. I had already read the box and it said they expired in May of 2014. We'd never use them by then. But, the hubs checked them as he was putting the ice packs in the cooler this morning before mailing them out and realized that the date on the actual meds don't match what is on the box. So, he called the company. They really expire in Sept 2015. So, he refused to mail them. We argued about this, too. Fun times. So, now, not only was I feeling like shit from earlier in the day, now I'm an ass.

On top of that, the hubs' boss is an complete jerk. I won't get into it here, but he's a horrible person. He treats my husband horribly and I've had it. It's so hard watching him get treated so poorly and not being able to do anything about it. I'm so over that, too.

So, the day before vacation has been one of the worst days ever. The plan for vacation is drinking and crying. And, now the hubs is excited to do another IVF since we have all the meds here already left over. Great, something else I can fail at. I can hardly wait.

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow we'll get the call. To say I'm nervous would be quite a true statement. To keep from thinking about it, I've been cleaning our house like a crazy lady. At least it will be clean when we get home from Texas!

If you can spare a prayer or thought, we would so appreciate it!

Skinny Mirrors

I needed to get a few last minute things done before we head to Texas. First up, getting a strapless bra. I'm not here to brag, but my girls are ample. I wear a 32DDD. No, that's not a typo. Yes, these are nearly impossible to find. Try putting these ladies in a strapless bra and the darn thing just slowly falls down around my waist after a couple of hours. So, I needed a good one.

Luckily, Vickie's Secret carries that size in a few of their bras. The lady helping me, Abby, was ready to help me blow $60 on a bra and quickly filled her hands with a couple of choices. She said she'd be happy to help me see if it was the right size after I got it on. Oh, hell no. You're not looking at my girls, perv.

The first one I tried on was the wrong size, but as I looked in the mirror, I was impressed with how long and lean I was looking. Wow, this no carb diet was really helping my gut! So, I proudly called the lady in my dressing room to show her the issue with the bra, while also showing off my hard work, and flat gut. Staring at my middle, I smiled and she ran to get the correct size.

It fit like a glove. I looked skinny as hell. Yeah. Good work self. I felt freaking awesome. I told her I needed to try it on with the dress when I got home to make sure, but it would probably work. Most likely, after a couple of hours, it will fail the ladies, but I'm used to that. I was just so darn proud that my week of starving was paying off.

When I got home, I took the dress and new bra to my bedroom, ready to take another look at myself. Yes, I am apparently vein. Hey, if I can't have more kids, at least I get my body. So, suck it! And, then, I realized that I'd been taken for a fool.

As I stood looking at myself in the mirror, I realized that Vickie's clearly uses skinny mirrors. Not the cheap kind either. The kind they use actually make you glow. They made my legs look long and lean, which should have been the first clue! Standing in front of my own mirror, my gut laughed and laughed. Or was that a wiggle and a jiggle? Damn you skinny mirror. So, next purchase: Span.x.

Random thoughts

Today, I've been in a weird mood. Pissy maybe. I think every once in awhile, the fact that 2 IVF procedures failing just hits me and makes me really flipping mad. No, I would have never forgiven myself if we wouldn't have tried. But, I wish I didn't have to spend $15k more in a six month time period. In the long run, I'm glad we did. But, I would have rather gone to Disney or HHI. I could have gone on a crazy shopping spree. Like, really crazy.

This week, work was exhausting for many reasons. Mainly, trying to get ready to be in Texas for most of next week is insanely time consuming for a teacher. I figure that I'll spend at least 10 hours getting my sub plans together. Fun stuff there. I'll be more excited for vacation once I get that part done.

I think getting away next week is just what we need. Get away from the place where the last few months really sucked. Lay by the pool. Relax. Wear cowboy boots to a wedding. Not my idea. No choice. Probably Definitely not something I'll ever do again. But, it's happening folks. Heaven help me.

Less than a week...

Then, we'll know. We'll know if he is to be our child. The final matching conference for the boy we are being considered for (now with 5 other families. The number keeps changing.) is next Monday. I'm not sure when they'll call or not call or email or not email, but hopefully we have news, good news is preferable, by the end of the day on Monday.

Tuesday we leave for my SIL's wedding in Texas. So, it would be so very nice to have good news to take with us on that trip. We so deserve good news. After ten years, we deserve a freaking break. Hopefully, the matching committee will see how special and amazing my little family is and they'll pick us.

Less than a week and we'll know. This, my friends, has been the longest 2ww ever. Ever.

I googled myself...

This was posted in my college alumni magazine in 1998. I had NO idea it even existed. Go me!

Led by junior Tracy Karr, the women’s tennis team finished fifth in the OAC. The Lady Muskies compiled a 4-4 record in duals against conference opponents.

Karr, from Portsmouth, posted a 9-3 record at No. 1 singles. She advanced to the championship match at the conference tournament with straight-set wins over opponents from Otterbein and Ohio Northern. In addition to Karr, sophomore Lori Clark of Zanesville posted a 7-4 record at No. 4 singles, while senior Heidi Garinger of Columbus went 6-5 at No. 5 singles and sophomore Amanda Turner of Reynoldsburg was 4-3 at No. 6 singles.

After reading this, I called the local tennis club and set up private lessons! Bucket list, here I come!

Bucket List

Not knowing when our FET cycle will start, but knowing that it's quite a few months away, I think I'll start compiling my bucket list. I've put most of these things on hold for the last decade. You see, when you live life in two week increments, there isn't much time to do anything other than think about if you're ovulating and if you do ovulate, you think about not jarring things in there too much so something can stick and grow.

Clearly, not doing anything hasn't worked for me, so I'm over it. Here is the start of my list. I plan on adding to is as I think of things I'd love to do, so for now, this will be the short version.

1. Run a full marathon. I trained for one once. Found out I was pregnant with Ayden the week before the race and was told by my OB that I couldn't run it. Bastard lady.

2. Volunteer with my family at a homeless shelter.

3. Tell Ayden every single day how much he means to me. Make sure to include how miraculous it is that he is even here, minus the gross details that I'm sure he doesn't want to hear.

4. Drink more wine. This week, I've definitely made up for lost time.

5. Eat dessert more often.

6. Order dessert for my actual meal.

7. Enjoy the small things.

8. Own a Mastiff of some kind. The bigger, the better.

9. Walk my dogs more.

10. Spend two weeks in Hilton Head with my family.

11. Take a honeymoon with my husband.

12. Adopt a child (or children) and stick with the plan for no FET until we've adopted.

13. Go to a casino and actually gamble, even if it is only a few dollars!

14. Visit my family more often.

15. Take tennis lessons and play in a tournament.

This is just the start. These are things I've wanted to do for a really long time. I'll update you as I go!

It doesn't even make sense.

How in the world did we conceive Ayden? Seriously, it doesn't even make sense. After doing fertility treatments for the last gazillion years, I wonder how it even happened naturally. I even had a septum then. So weird. I was even training for a marathon when we got pregnant. Go figure. Now, in the 2ww I won't even walk around the block. Or drink. Or have sex. Or relax. You get the point.

So, on finding myself. I still like to shop. I've done lots of therapy shopping this week. It has been fabulous. I got a great deal on a North Fa.ce. Did I need it? Nope. Don't care. I also bought a new suitcase. Did I need it? Yep. The hubs got drunk and peed in our old one a couple of years ago. Long story. Funny, but long. Ayden has also been gifted with 5 new shirts, a football, a football kicking thingy, a new game, a couple of books, and some science thingy I figured he'd like. Someone needs to rein me in. But, I did kind of enjoy just blowing money and not having to save it for treatments. That was nice. I'm going on vacation in two weeks, you say? I should save the money for that? I'll worry about that later. I do at least have a suitcase now...

Just for my own future reference, after doing a fresh and a frozen cycle, I'm up 10 pounds. So, the "gain 5 pounds per treatment cycle" theory still stands. Now, I need to figure out how to lose the 10 pounds before the wedding in two weeks...not possible you say? Well, I'm gonna try. Here's to being hungry!

FET #1. Over.

I haven't exactly been honest with you all, but it was for a good reason. Since August, the hubs and I have been doing a FET cycle. I blogged in a secret blog that I didn't post for the entire time. I'm not sure if I'll ever post it, but maybe someday.

What you need to know is that we transferred 2 perfect embryos on September 20th. They were perfect. Right now, I am drunk. So, you can pretty much figure out how the cycle ended. BFFN. Again.

Interesting things I learned about myself this time:
1. I can do my own sub-q shots. Piece of cake. Did them all.
2. I am the tits. I also did quite a few of my own IM shots. That's right. I grew balls this week. Big.IF.balls. Even the hubs was impressed.
3. IVF/FET is a crock of shit. 70% chance of success my ass. Well, I guess that is still possible. We just fell in the 30% of failures. Imagine that.
4. IF still sucks huge donkey asshole.
5. After taking Xanax, you only need 1 1/2 glasses of wine to get drunk. This might prove important later in life.
6. I keep going between quitting and not quitting.

Number six is shocking to myself. By the time the nurse had called with our blood test results (at 5:00pm...never a good sign) we had already made an appointment for a phone consult at ccrm. Damn it. I said I was done. But, then the hubs looks at me. I mean, really, what else do I have to do but fly my ass out to Denver? Live life? Maybe.

We also dropped off a grant form to our current RE to complete 'if' we decide to do another cycle with them. By the time the nurse called, she said he's already filled it out and they put it back in the mail to us...I really do love this office. Like, a lot.

All the way to the appointment today, I had talked myself into this "I'm strong, I'm not gonna cry, this isn't the end" talk. Then, as soon as we walked back to the blood draw lab, my favorite nurse asked if I'd tested already...cue ugly cry. She hugged the living shit out of me. And, I loved it. I'm NOT a touchy feeling person. But, this hug. Damn it. I needed it. So bad. Then, as she drew the blood, I cried more. She kept saying that it isn't over until the blood results are back. Nice of her, but I'm not a newbie here. It's over. The hubs took me to Target and after a little Starbu.cks, I was feeling a bit better. Get this, I didn't even cry when the nurse called. Yep, I'm the tits. I was also full of anxiety meds. Maybe this helped?

So, where am I mind wise. Great question. Right now, I'm super. Tomorrow, I'll have a headache and regret tonight. I'll never in a million years regret all the treatments. What I would have regretted would have been never trying. We still have one frozen embryo left, but lets be real people. They've already put 3 perfect ones back. My body killed them. It doesn't take a scientist to hypothesize the outcome of this poor fourth one. I kinda just wanna keep him/her frozen forever so we can say we have him/her. I know. Not possible. But, if I ran the world...

I have kinda lost myself over the last decade. I mean, I know where I am. I'm right here. But, who is inside? I haven't really worried about this for awhile. So, after making our ccrm phone consult, the hubs put a 20 day time frame on talking about anything fertility.

So, I guess the sex will be strictly for sex sake. Weird. How does that work again?