Puzzle pieces

They are everywhere. In my heart, I know where they are coming from. The hubs would think I was nuts if I told him. They started appearing on December 12. I knew I wasn't alone and this December 13 anniversary wasn't going to be as horrible as the past few were. 

When I came home from work on December 12, at the bottom of the porch steps was a small puzzle piece. I didn't think one single thought about it. Well, I did think it was odd, but I just left it there. I didn't pick it up. I just stepped over it and walked inside.

That evening went on like normal, not giving the puzzle piece a second thought.

December 13, I woke up to get ready for work and my first thought was of the puzzle piece. That instant, I knew who it was from. However, like a true non-believer, I asked this soul to add another puzzle piece somewhere so I knew it was really from them.

As I headed out of the door that morning, I looked down at my feet, and there, right next to the first piece was another. You can't make this crap up. I gasped and instantly put them in my pocket. Imagine my surprise when I got to my car and right outside of the car door was a third piece. Yeah. Amazing.

Just today, while cleaning up the house, I was picking up stuff from the dining room table and, you guessed it, another puzzle piece. So cool.

I don't know how you all feel about the afterlife, heaven, and God, but I am definitely a believer. I also believe that our loved ones come back to visit. Mine come often. I know I've mentioned it before, but mine are here a lot. A medium once told me that I have "the gift", but I have to choose to work on it if I want to make sense of everything. I'm not up to that. I'm perfectly happy with how things are now. I cannot see/hear/feel anyone whom I never knew. So, it's not like it would be helping people. But, it does comfort me.

Most important to this blog, our lost babies are near us and if you let yourself, you can feel them. It happens differently for everyone. For me, if I close my eyes, meditate for a few minutes and think of our baby, I feel her with me. They grow up in heaven, but they are still learning lessons from us here on Earth. You can think I'm crazy. That's fine! I realize that I sound nuts, but oddly enough, I'm not...at least not with this topic! I hope this brings you some peace this Christmas season.

Shopping three days before Christmas. Not for the timid.

I have been working on being kinder, overall. Sometimes, this applies to the people I come in contact with, but mostly, while I'm in my car. Seriously. I have huge issues in my car.

So, when I was driving to the mall with Ayden today, I told him that my New Year's resolution (which I think is a crock because I always break them, hence why I'm starting early) is to be kinder to people. He asked, "Including while you're driving?" Yeah. It's that bad. Even my 10 year old sees it.

I mean, if people would learn how to drive, because I'm sure it's them, not me, we wouldn't have this issue. On the way to the mall, I did okay. Only a few outbursts. Then, we spent four hours shopping all over hell's half acres. The ride home wasn't as successful. Ayden scolded me. So, I threw in a few "Merry Christmas to you" after I hollered at the idiots driving. To which I was so kindly reminded that not everyone celebrates Christmas and I was informed that I was failing miserable at my kindness resolution.

This is why I start early. I need some time to get into it. The idiots around me also could use a few driving lessons. Seriously. And, they're usually from Michigan. Idiots.

I'll just try again tomorrow. In the meantime, I need yoga. Or a drink.

Here we go, again!

I'm not sure what I have posted here about our most recent adoption situation...but, we are now, as of today, one of four families being considered for a 9 year old boy. There were about 100 homestudies to start with, so being one of four? Not bad! The final placement meeting is in January, which is just right around the corner.

Before the meeting, his worker wants to have a 1-2 hour phone conference with us so we can ask questions about the boy and she can get to know us a little better. I'm not sure how you can get to know someone in 1-2 hours, but we'll try to give her a good idea of who we are and what our family is like.

It's funny because I told the hubs that if we weren't selected for this placement, we'd move onto infant adoption, after putting back our one lonely embryo, of course. I was sure that out of the gazillion homestudies, we wouldn't be selected. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just trying not to get my hopes up again. Don't get me wrong, we want this boy. But, admitting that, then being told 'no'? Well, that would suck. I've already placed him in our home and, well, he just fits. We'll just have to wait and see what his worker thinks.

If you don't mind, send up a few prayers for us and the little boy. I really want him to go to the best placement. But, I so hope he gets to be a part of our family.

Making Memories

Today, Ayden had his Christmas concert at school.

There in the front row, wearing the blue, button-up shirt, recorder around his neck, is my little guy! See the look on his face? You can almost hear his thoughts, right? I'm sure he threw a few "watermelons" in there. He was LESS than thrilled. Clearly. And the recorders? Well, those are a 4th grade right-of-passage. Every year, the 4th grade gets to play their recorders. The audience simply loves this part. It's a similar to fingernails on a chalkboard. Only, when it's your kid, you find yourself saying, "Geez, that's pretty good."

After his concert, we decided to make homemade chex mix and watch a Christmas movie. The movie was really stupid, but it didn't matter.

There we were, making memories. Amazing Christmas family memories. Some of my favorite childhood memories are from Christmastime with my family. I hope that Ayden can someday look back and remember all of this the same way I am experiencing it now.

After the dumb movie, we played Yatzee. I got my butt handed to me, but whatever. Still fun. All in all, today was one of those days where I was very thankful for everything in my life. I adore days like this.

I wonder if my newest outlook has to do with my recent yoga-ing practice. Today, I killed a backbend like a teenager. That's right. Here in my living room. Backbend. Bam. I would get into how I conked my head on the floor trying to get out of it, but that isn't really the point. Point is, I am gaining some kind of peace with yoga, as well as a concussion, but it is carrying over into all parts of my life. This is after only a little over a week of taking it back up. Not bad. Go hippie yoga!

And, on a side note: If you love chex mix, I HIGHLY recommend making it at home rather than buying it. So.much.better. I promise.

Christmas is coming!

This is, hands down, my favorite time of the year! I LOVE everything about it. This year, I was  thinking back to last year and my cancer scare. I was in such a dark and scary place that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I was terrified that I would lose my cervix and never be able to be pregnant again. Scary.

Granted, I may never actually use my cervix again at this point, but at least I got to keep it. Well, 1/2 of it anyway. Whatever. Point is, this year, I'm not sick to my stomach thinking the worst about my health and I'm enjoying eating all of the holiday shit. Last year, I was so sick to my stomach with worry that I couldn't eat. I lost a LOT of weight. Maybe 10 pounds in a month. I'm 5' tall, so it looked like a lot more. I won't say that I didn't actually enjoy that part...I could wear clothes in a size I hadn't seen since college.

Well, I'm happy to announce that all 10 pounds are back. Great. While I'm not fat, I feel fluffy. Out of shape. Gross. So, I started exercising. I have to be careful though because, according to my naturopath, my adrenal system is shot from stress. Imagine that. So, I can't do anything more than walking and yoga. Fine with me. I love yoga and walking doesn't hurt the way running does. I'd rather run, but I also like my cartilage. I'll give it up while my body heals itself. Fine.

Let me brag for a minute: Today, while doing yoga, I did the crow pose. That's the real shit there. My family saw it, so it really did happen. Here's what it looks like:

 Now, it was literally for one second. Maybe two. Not the point. I did it. The hubs was impressed, as was Ayden. That's right. This old lady still has it. So, while I wait on my body to cooperate, I will continue to twist myself into weird poses and brag that I can do them. Hey, if I can't make babies, at least I have something to look forward to, right?

Friday the 13th

I survived another year of December 13. Only this year, it was on a Friday, so everyone and their brother felt they needed to keep bringing up the date. Nice.

Honestly, I thought about our baby when I woke up in the morning and told myself that it would be okay. The day would be fine.

The day carried on as usual, only I was extra pissy and couldn't figure out why.

After work, I went shopping for Christmas and there were so many people. They made me want to punch them. What was with their holiday cheer? Ass munches. Clearly, I was still pissy.

When I got in my car to head home at 7pm, I remembered, again. Then, I felt guilty for forgetting about our baby all day. Cue waterworks.

It was 7 years ago when we lost our last pregnancy. I haven't been pregnant again, but not for lack of spending shit tons of money. Go failing uterus. On the way home I was so angry that our baby was taken from us. Like, I will go to heaven and bring him/her back to my house and no angels, God, or anyone else could stop me. But, my GPS couldn't pick up on the address:

Baby Cupples
7 Years Long Rd.
Heaven, Up There, N.O.W.-Please

So, I came home and wallowed in my own pity. But, I did get some pretty awesome Christmas gifts. At least I have that going for me.

This week. I hate this week.

I'm not sure when it gets easier. Having a baby with a perfect heartbeat one day, but losing the baby the very next day. Someone told me that time heals the pain. I often tell people who are miscarrying the exact same thing. But, I think it's a lie that I just hope will come true someday.

Time just makes you not think about it as much. Rather than daily, it's more like weekly. But, this time of year, it is all day, everyday. It makes me so angry. So.very.angry. It just doesn't make sense. It was seven years ago and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I'm not going to dwell here about my inner demons from my miscarriage. I just can't right now. I just wanted to post where my mind is right now. It's not in a good place. I'll be okay in a week or so. But, for the next week, I'm not promising that I'll do anything other than just try and get through each day, one minute at a time.

Oh endo. You suck.

That period was a freaking killer. I think my uterus was trying to kill me. Kill me. After taking 8 naproxen and 4 Tylenol  last Tuesday to no avail, the hubs convinced me to call my doctor.

I hate, hate, hate, hate calling. Like, I'd rather die from painful uterus death syndrome than call. But, he eventually convinced me. I got "the nurse". She judges me. Do I have evidence? Nope. It's her shitty tone. I think she judges me and my uterus. She can have my uterus. And the pain it brings for all I care. Just give me drugs lady. I'm dying over here!

After her judging tone, she said she'd talk to the doctor, but since I hadn't been in for about a year, she doubted he would give me anything. Oh. Yes. I forgot. Drug addicts typically go a year in between drug heist calls. Silly me.

Clearly, my doctor, who I shall call "Angel in Disguise" (AD), called her bluff and called in the big guns. He said this is not a job for T3. He is very right. I didn't even try those. Can you say horrible headache from hell? Well, trust me. It's not worth it. AD is my Thanksgiving hero.

After a few days in Endo Hell, I feel like a new woman. How many more years of this can there possibly be?! Can you say hysterectomy as soon as this uterus is done procreating? Yes, please. Sign me up.

On the adoption front: No news. Still waiting to hear from our worker. Like usual. She is in no hurry. No worries. We all just getting older and older and older. No really. Take your time lady.

On the ttc front: No news. I have to wait 3 months for my body to decide it wants to function. Fun times taking herbs to nudge her along. Can you say, "Nasty Herbal Burps"? Ew.

In the meantime, I've already realized that my next period should be here right around Christmas. Oh, lucky me. Only endo patients worry about that. We also can look at pictures and give you an idea of our pain level on that day, if we were on our periods, along with lots of other endo related information. Interesting fact of the day. You're welcome.