This is National Infertility Awareness Week. On Facebook, I've done two days of posts about how others can help and what they can say to us infertile people. But, I've decided to make a selfish post, right here, all about myself.
I'm down right pissed that I have to deal with infertility. All I ever wanted was to have 6+ kids. I LOVE kids. I'm a teacher for goodness sakes. With my age creeping closer to the dropping (even more) fertility rate of age 35, I have to give up my goal of a big family. That plain pisses me off. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make me not feel that way. I've watched MANY friends (whom I love dearly) have 3 and 4 kids in the time I've been trying to have just one more. That pisses me off. Simply put, I am jealous that they are living my dream and I have to sit back and watch. I go to the hospital and hold their brand new babies. I love holding new babies. They are so miraculous and precious. I adore their babies and am so happy for them. But, damn it. I want my own baby. I actually had the sick thought that I want people to be jealous of my huge growing belly and precious baby. Sick, right?
These emotions are even more raw today because I got a positive test this morning. Yay, you say...not so fast. I started spotting at lunch time and then got my progesterone level back. 13.64. Yeah. I suck at holding onto babies. We have one more round of iui to go until we call it iui quits. Then, we save for ivf.
So, since the theme of National Infertility Awareness Week is not to ignore fertility, here it is. As raw as it gets. My body is so defective that even when the hubs has his highest post wash count and my E2 is amazing, my body can't hold onto a freaking thing. Infertility sucks and I can't ignore that.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
8dpiui
Nothing. Not one symptom. It's really odd. I'm using progesterone and no sore bbs...so weird. Usually, the progesterone (or so I assume) makes them soooo sore that I can't even lay on them. Of course, those cycles didn't end very well, so I guess things not going exactly the same way isn't necessarily a bad thing.
In honor of next week being National Infertility Awareness Week, I was pretty open with a couple of people about my infertility today. It felt so great! I wasn't as embarrassed as I thought I'd be and they didn't look at me like I was less of a woman for having a defective uterus. The first lady asked how my surgery follow up appointments were going. I'd been telling people that all gazillion of my appointments were for follow ups from my surgery in January. I'm not sure how many people they know that have that many follow up appointments, but they bought it. Well, I came clean and told her were were also doing some fertility treatments because we'd been having a very hard time conceiving over the last eight years. She was so kind and promised that she'd pray for a baby for us. Then, when I went to the lab to get my cd 21 progesterone draw I knew the lady who registered me. She has registered me a bazillion times over the years for either progesterone or beta draws. She said, "My goodness, did you get pregnant with your son easily?" I decided not to take the defensive route and told her that he was quite the pleasant surprise and we'd been trying for a few years now for number two. Again, super supportive.
While I was hoping for next week to be a learning experience for others to learn about how infertility affects people, it might just teach me that people are much kinder and have much larger hearts than I give them credit for.
In honor of next week being National Infertility Awareness Week, I was pretty open with a couple of people about my infertility today. It felt so great! I wasn't as embarrassed as I thought I'd be and they didn't look at me like I was less of a woman for having a defective uterus. The first lady asked how my surgery follow up appointments were going. I'd been telling people that all gazillion of my appointments were for follow ups from my surgery in January. I'm not sure how many people they know that have that many follow up appointments, but they bought it. Well, I came clean and told her were were also doing some fertility treatments because we'd been having a very hard time conceiving over the last eight years. She was so kind and promised that she'd pray for a baby for us. Then, when I went to the lab to get my cd 21 progesterone draw I knew the lady who registered me. She has registered me a bazillion times over the years for either progesterone or beta draws. She said, "My goodness, did you get pregnant with your son easily?" I decided not to take the defensive route and told her that he was quite the pleasant surprise and we'd been trying for a few years now for number two. Again, super supportive.
While I was hoping for next week to be a learning experience for others to learn about how infertility affects people, it might just teach me that people are much kinder and have much larger hearts than I give them credit for.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
I Am A Face of Infertility
To look at me, healthy, active, and already having one child, I am not what many think of when they think of infertility. Secondary Infertility is, to me, a breed of its own. Some think I should just be happy with what I already have (and I am) while others think it's odd we only have one child. In my opinion, it isn't their business. Or is it? Was I given this struggle to teach others about what infertility really does look like? Just because I have a child, hasn't eight years of struggling to conceive given me the right to call myself infertile? Because I am. Very infertile. Our son is somewhat of a medical mystery. The fact that I was even able to carry him proves to me beyond any doubt that there is indeed an amazing God looking after us all.
Next week is Infertility Awareness Week. It is my goal to be more open with my disease. So many women (myself at times) can be so embarrassed that we struggle with infertility, that we don't talk about it openly. For me, I don't want to talk about it with people that don't understand. But, would having their support really be such a bad thing? Maybe, but probably not. I mean, if I know someone is fighting cancer, I don't ignore them. I give them as much support as I can muster. They embrace the extra support.
So, this week, I'm coming out...then I'll try and embrace the support I get from others. Maybe it will even make the second half of my 2ww go faster :)
Next week is Infertility Awareness Week. It is my goal to be more open with my disease. So many women (myself at times) can be so embarrassed that we struggle with infertility, that we don't talk about it openly. For me, I don't want to talk about it with people that don't understand. But, would having their support really be such a bad thing? Maybe, but probably not. I mean, if I know someone is fighting cancer, I don't ignore them. I give them as much support as I can muster. They embrace the extra support.
So, this week, I'm coming out...then I'll try and embrace the support I get from others. Maybe it will even make the second half of my 2ww go faster :)
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
6dpiui
My son was asking me last night when we would adopt a child. I gave him my honest, "I don't know," answer, but we haven't told him that we aren't going that route quite anymore. I pray that we end up pregnant within the next couple of months so I can surprise him with that...but we'll see. It breaks my heart with how much he wants to be a big brother. Ugh. IF sucks!
As for me, nothing really going on at 6dpiui. I had more "symptoms" last month that I could at least obsess over. This month, nada. My bbs are a little bigger from the progesterone, but that's it. I've been trying to stay away from the computer so I don't obsess over my non-symptom cycle and so far, I've been able to. I'm just trying to stay busy and make it to this time next week...then I'll poas...I hate those darn things.
As for me, nothing really going on at 6dpiui. I had more "symptoms" last month that I could at least obsess over. This month, nada. My bbs are a little bigger from the progesterone, but that's it. I've been trying to stay away from the computer so I don't obsess over my non-symptom cycle and so far, I've been able to. I'm just trying to stay busy and make it to this time next week...then I'll poas...I hate those darn things.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Lucky Clover?
The hubs found a 4 leaf clover in our yard today...good luck? Perhaps. We're pretty into signs and luck and stuff like that, so I'll call it a sign that I can continue being positive.
I had the weirdest thing happen before I fell asleep last night. As my eyelids were feeling heavy from my Circle+ Bl.oom meditation track, two highchairs popped across the back of my lids and one was pink and one was blue. They were gone as fast as they appeared, but my eyes flew open and I freaked for a minute. I only had one mature follie. Another was a maybe. I'm gonna be fine with one baby. I'm quite petite at only 5'1". I mean, I'll take whatever I'm given, but it did indeed freak me out for a minute. I'm only 4 days into this 2ww and I'm already hallucinating...oy vey!
I had the weirdest thing happen before I fell asleep last night. As my eyelids were feeling heavy from my Circle+ Bl.oom meditation track, two highchairs popped across the back of my lids and one was pink and one was blue. They were gone as fast as they appeared, but my eyes flew open and I freaked for a minute. I only had one mature follie. Another was a maybe. I'm gonna be fine with one baby. I'm quite petite at only 5'1". I mean, I'll take whatever I'm given, but it did indeed freak me out for a minute. I'm only 4 days into this 2ww and I'm already hallucinating...oy vey!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
cd 15...2dpiui
Dear 2ww,
You suck.
You take too long.
You toy with my emotions.
I wouldn't mind if I didn't see another one of you for nine months or so.
Love,
Me
You suck.
You take too long.
You toy with my emotions.
I wouldn't mind if I didn't see another one of you for nine months or so.
Love,
Me
Friday, April 13, 2012
2 posts...in 1 day...lucky you.
Just a vent. I am missing my son's baseball practice. I've never missed one practice or game. Ever. Damn' you IF! Yes, I know. It's just practice. But, when it's my little baby big boy out there playing his little heart out, I love to watch and cheer him on.
So, in honor of my sore, throbbing ovaries and cramping innards, I'm here to remind myself why I am doing this. Is it for me. Maybe. But, I don't think if it were for me, I'd have kept on it for 8 years. Nope.
Is it for the hubs? Absolutely. He missed Ayden's birth. I want to give him that experience. Maybe we'll even see a tear or two. At this point, he won't even hold a newborn baby (or any baby) younger than 6 months old because he didn't hold Ayden until he was 6 months old. Yep. He's sentimental like that.
Mostly, I'm doing this for Ayden. He needs the chance to be the big brother. He talks about it all the time. He claims he's the only kid in his class that doesn't have a sibling. Do I believe him? Kinda. You know the picture of the big brother/sister meeting his/her new sibling in the hospital. Well, I've had 8 years to envision that moment. It makes me cry. Possibly more today because I have quite a few hormones flowing through me that I don't know what to do with.
He wants a sister. I don't know why or where this came from. But, for the last couple of years, this has been his announcement. When we were actively looking to adopt, he wanted me to look for sisters for him. He hasn't let that dream die. I'm fairly sure he'll take whatever we are blessed with, but he wants a sister to protect. Now, how cute is he?
So. I'll stay home. For them. Because I'm attempting to be an incubator.
On a positive note (and because I'm bored out of my mind), I actually let myself talk to the hubs about baby related stuff. It might sound weird, but we stopped that kind of wishful talk years ago. Like, "Hey, I heard the name (insert name here). Do you like it?" and, "What if I get a ton of stretch marks? Will you still love me?" (insert humor) Then, on the way home from the iui yesterday, it hit me. It's okay to talk about these things again. We need to. We're paying thousands of dollars each month for a baby to be a real possibility. So, I started small with: "You're okay with not telling anyone until 12/13 weeks, right?" Okay, that's assuming a lot, but I needed to make sure we were on the same page with this one! He actually joined in on the conversation, "Of course. And Ayden should be the first one we tell." I agreed. Then, I asked, "So, Ayden has been waiting just as long as we have...do you think he should be in the room?" The hubs: "Uh, maybe. In a corner. Not staring at a baby coming out of there." End of conversation. But, hey, it was a start!
So, in honor of my sore, throbbing ovaries and cramping innards, I'm here to remind myself why I am doing this. Is it for me. Maybe. But, I don't think if it were for me, I'd have kept on it for 8 years. Nope.
Is it for the hubs? Absolutely. He missed Ayden's birth. I want to give him that experience. Maybe we'll even see a tear or two. At this point, he won't even hold a newborn baby (or any baby) younger than 6 months old because he didn't hold Ayden until he was 6 months old. Yep. He's sentimental like that.
Mostly, I'm doing this for Ayden. He needs the chance to be the big brother. He talks about it all the time. He claims he's the only kid in his class that doesn't have a sibling. Do I believe him? Kinda. You know the picture of the big brother/sister meeting his/her new sibling in the hospital. Well, I've had 8 years to envision that moment. It makes me cry. Possibly more today because I have quite a few hormones flowing through me that I don't know what to do with.
He wants a sister. I don't know why or where this came from. But, for the last couple of years, this has been his announcement. When we were actively looking to adopt, he wanted me to look for sisters for him. He hasn't let that dream die. I'm fairly sure he'll take whatever we are blessed with, but he wants a sister to protect. Now, how cute is he?
So. I'll stay home. For them. Because I'm attempting to be an incubator.
On a positive note (and because I'm bored out of my mind), I actually let myself talk to the hubs about baby related stuff. It might sound weird, but we stopped that kind of wishful talk years ago. Like, "Hey, I heard the name (insert name here). Do you like it?" and, "What if I get a ton of stretch marks? Will you still love me?" (insert humor) Then, on the way home from the iui yesterday, it hit me. It's okay to talk about these things again. We need to. We're paying thousands of dollars each month for a baby to be a real possibility. So, I started small with: "You're okay with not telling anyone until 12/13 weeks, right?" Okay, that's assuming a lot, but I needed to make sure we were on the same page with this one! He actually joined in on the conversation, "Of course. And Ayden should be the first one we tell." I agreed. Then, I asked, "So, Ayden has been waiting just as long as we have...do you think he should be in the room?" The hubs: "Uh, maybe. In a corner. Not staring at a baby coming out of there." End of conversation. But, hey, it was a start!
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