Friday, April 13, 2012

2 1 day...lucky you.

Just a vent. I am missing my son's baseball practice. I've never missed one practice or game. Ever. Damn' you IF! Yes, I know. It's just practice. But, when it's my little baby big boy out there playing his little heart out, I love to watch and cheer him on.

So, in honor of my sore, throbbing ovaries and cramping innards, I'm here to remind myself why I am doing this. Is it for me. Maybe. But, I don't think if it were for me, I'd have kept on it for 8 years. Nope.

Is it for the hubs? Absolutely. He missed Ayden's birth. I want to give him that experience. Maybe we'll even see a tear or two. At this point, he won't even hold a newborn baby (or any baby) younger than 6 months old because he didn't hold Ayden until he was 6 months old. Yep. He's sentimental like that. 

Mostly, I'm doing this for Ayden. He needs the chance to be the big brother. He talks about it all the time. He claims he's the only kid in his class that doesn't have a sibling. Do I believe him? Kinda. You know the picture of the big brother/sister meeting his/her new sibling in the hospital. Well, I've had 8 years to envision that moment. It makes me cry. Possibly more today because I have quite a few hormones flowing through me that I don't know what to do with.

He wants a sister. I don't know why or where this came from. But, for the last couple of years, this has been his announcement. When we were actively looking to adopt, he wanted me to look for sisters for him. He hasn't let that dream die. I'm fairly sure he'll take whatever we are blessed with, but he wants a sister to protect. Now, how cute is he?

So. I'll stay home. For them. Because I'm attempting to be an incubator.

On a positive note (and because I'm bored out of my mind), I actually let myself talk to the hubs about baby related stuff. It might sound weird, but we stopped that kind of wishful talk years ago. Like, "Hey, I heard the name (insert name here). Do you like it?" and, "What if I get a ton of stretch marks? Will you still love me?" (insert humor) Then, on the way home from the iui yesterday, it hit me. It's okay to talk about these things again. We need to. We're paying thousands of dollars each month for a baby to be a real possibility. So, I started small with: "You're okay with not telling anyone until 12/13 weeks, right?" Okay, that's assuming a lot, but I needed to make sure we were on the same page with this one! He actually joined in on the conversation, "Of course. And Ayden should be the first one we tell." I agreed. Then, I asked, "So, Ayden has been waiting just as long as we you think he should be in the room?" The hubs: "Uh, maybe. In a corner. Not staring at a baby coming out of there." End of conversation. But, hey, it was a start!

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