Don't Ignore...myself

This is National Infertility Awareness Week. On Facebook, I've done two days of posts about how others can help and what they can say to us infertile people. But, I've decided to make a selfish post, right here, all about  myself.

I'm down right pissed that I have to deal with infertility. All I ever wanted was to have 6+ kids. I LOVE kids. I'm a teacher for goodness sakes. With my age creeping closer to the dropping (even more) fertility rate of age 35, I have to give up my goal of a big family. That plain pisses me off. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make me not feel that way. I've watched MANY friends (whom I love dearly) have 3 and 4 kids in the time I've been trying to have just one more. That pisses me off. Simply put, I am jealous that they are living my dream and I have to sit back and watch. I go to the hospital and hold their brand new babies. I love holding new babies. They are so miraculous and precious. I adore their babies and am so happy for them. But, damn it. I want my own baby. I actually had the sick thought that I want people to be jealous of my huge growing belly and precious baby. Sick, right?

These emotions are even more raw today because I got a positive test this morning. Yay, you say...not so fast. I started spotting at lunch time and then got my progesterone level back. 13.64. Yeah. I suck at holding onto babies. We have one more round of iui to go until we call it iui quits. Then, we save for ivf.

So, since the theme of National Infertility Awareness Week is not to ignore fertility, here it is. As raw as it gets. My body is so defective that even when the hubs has his highest post wash count and my E2 is amazing, my body can't hold onto a freaking thing. Infertility sucks and I can't ignore that.