Beta Day: Pre Phone Call (11dp5dt)

Well, the deed has been done. My blood has been taken. It was very sad. I held it together until I got outside and then I balled my eyes out. This was the end of my first IVF and it didn't end at all how I expected. Oh, it might be too early, you think. Well, the "Not Pregnant" glaring at me on my very last hpt this morning ended this long plotline. Not the resolution I was wanting.

And, yes, we have 5 more. But, it's very expensive to do FET's. It's not like the cost of that is thrown in with the IVF package. So, why were not sure how we'll come up with the money, we decided last night that we will. We don't know when, but hopefully before I turn 50 and my uterus falls out of my body. Although, with the cramps I'm having right now, I'd love it if my uterus fell out.

I had my blood taken at 8am. It's now almost noon. Longest 4 hours of my life. I did sleep through most of them, but I wish they'd just call so we can go out to lunch and drink. A lot. So, a warning about any post I may do later tonight. I'll certainly be under the influence of alcohol. Who knows what I might say...apologies in advance.

10dp5dt

This is my last day of PUPO. It's bittersweet. First, it was pretty awesome knowing that there was a living little embie in there. Second, this is the closest we've ever been to being pregnant in years. But, it was stressful. If I had it to do all over again, I would skip POAS. HPT's are the devil. They cause you to think that it didn't work, it's too early, etc. The stress of hpt's is just extra added stress that an IVF cycle doesn't need.

But, I did it. I actually made it through an IVF cycle and I'm still alive to tell about it. How will it end, I'm still really not sure. I have prayed more in the last two weeks than I have in my entire life. That's saying a lot since I pray about everything. But, I definitely believe in miracles. I have Ayden to prove it. He should have NEVER made it. I had a septum taking up 1/2 of my uterus, bled for most of my first trimester, and horrible endo. Knowing what we know now and dealing with secondary infertility for 9 years, he is a true miracle. I am a miracle myself. My parents tried for 5 years before having me. I am a clomid baby. Oh clomid...it makes me shudder. The worst drug ever. Or so I thought until I did Lupron for IVF. I'll put them in the same category.

And, then, there's this damn' hpt I took this morning. ALL the tests I took this week were STARK white. Trust me. I know. None of the ninja moves I tried all week made a line show up. Even the move of holding it over my son's hermit crab light or in natural light. Those are my secret moves. Shhh, don't tell.  Because I love punishment, but mostly because I wanted ALL the tests used up and out of my house before our FET cycle, I used my very last FRER this morning. Just to look at it, nothing. Blank as blank can be. Then, I resorted to the hermit crab light. WTF. It's the lightest line you'd ever think could exist. I crossed my eyes, stood on my head, did a little downward dog...looked again. Still there. Surely, I've officially lost it. I'm now seeing invisible lines. I decided that after my beta test tomorrow, it was time I was admitted to the looney bin.

But, just to prove I'd gone mad, and embarrass myself with my secret move, I called the hubs into my son's room. I'm not exactly sure what he thought I was doing. But, I explained that this is a secret move. Not many people know about it and he's to keep it under wraps. He officially thinks I'm a nut job, I'm sure of it. So, to start, I showed him the test from yesterday. Nothing. No hint of a line. Then, I showed him today's. He squinted his eyes closed and then open a few times. I mean, he did just wake up and we all know you need very fresh eyes to see faint/invisible/fake lines. But, damn', he saw it, too. Then, he waved his hands in the air and said, "Just wait until tomorrow." Well, easy for you to say mister...I'm a mad woman. You hear me? I've gone mad! I won't lie. I've gone to check on the line about 50 times this morning. 50. Line is still there. But, only under hermit crab light. Well, not entirely true. Now, it's starting to dry and I can see it if I hold it over the lamp on my nightstand. See, I am a mad woman. Who knows what new plan I'll come up with. Losing it might be putting it mildly.

Now, there are a few possibilities here. One, we've both lost it completely. Two, this will end up being a chemical pregnancy because on 10dp5dt, the line should be much, much darker. But, even that, although sad, means that this little one tried its hardest to hold on, so an FET might just work. Third, God is granting us another miracle. So, if you're reading this today, please, please, please pray for the third option. I mean, pray so hard that your eyes pop out of your head, your knees bleed, and heaven is so full of our prayers that God has no other option but to grant this miracle to quiet the heavens.

I have faith that no matter what the outcome of tomorrow's beta is, everything will be okay. Will I be either really sad, really happy, or really confused? You betcha. But, I know that someday, this will all work itself out. It just has to. On the day that I finished praying my rosary novena, (google if you don't have a clue. It's a Catholic thing.), actually the second I finished my 7th day, the hubs texted me and said he had the last of the $3500 we needed to start our cycle. You have no idea the shock that came over me. I had been questioning, until that point, if we were really supposed to do IVF. That proved: question answered.

Crazier things have happened people. Much crazier. My prayer is that no matter what tomorrow's outcome is (hopefully positive) that I have the grace to get through it and come out on the other side as a better person. And, that I quickly pick my butt off, dust it off, and move on to our next step.

9dp5dt

Today would be my normal beta day if the holiday wasn't tomorrow. So, just to know for sure, we tested again and of course, BFN. I wasn't surprised. The hubs was pretty shocked. I think he thought I just tested too early and those tests were wrong. He doesn't understand that, deep down, I just knew it didn't work. He can't feel that part. In a way, I'm jealous. He just got to be positive without analyzing any weird symptoms that may or may not be happening.

But, for anyone reading this to see what symptoms I do/don't have at 9dp5dt, because I know what it's like to search the interwebs for symptoms, I really have no symptoms at all.  No sore bbs, no major cramping, no nothing, and a BFN on a FRER.

So, the plan for today is to clean out the mess that's accumulated in this house. I love my boys to death. But, they can't clean to my liking. They pick up after themselves. Sometimes. But, the deep cleaning just hasn't happened over these last 2 weeks and I can't stand it one more second! Maybe I should mention that, for me, cleaning is a huge sign that AF is on her way. I even get excited about it. So, that there, proves that those tests are right. Who gets excited to clean? I'm a freak!

I am going to call my RE's office and let them know I got a negative test and see if I can stop these awful PIO shots. I know they'll say no, but it's worth a try. My hips hurt so badly. It's not even sore where the injection is going in. It's in my actual hip that is sore. I don't know if the oil is settling there and making everything hurt, but I can't sit on them or lay on my side because of it. It sucks. Of course, I'll do it all over again, but for now, I'm over it!

I am not a quitter. Watch out IF. Now you've pissed me off.

 This morning, looking at that stark white test I was beyond upset. I'm not gonna lie, hearing from the doctor on Friday will suck, too. I'll test again in the morning, just because that's the day I should have my beta if it weren't for the holiday. But, I'm not expecting much. So, when I came across this:

 

 

 

It was the first thing that made me laugh today. Well, maybe the second. The first was when I took Ayden to his 10 year old check up a day late...I even wrote it down and put it in my phone. Obviously, I wrote it down wrong both times. Nice. I wanted to cry right there when the receptionist told me, but I just looked at her like, WTF. Luckily, they can get him in tomorrow morning. It's supposed to be an appointment about puberty. Oh, how I can hardly wait. Ayden is excited to talk about balls and armpit hair. I wish I was kidding. So, when I saw this sign, I laughed. I realized that anything worth it in life takes work. Sometimes it works the first time. For us, it just didn't. I have two choices. I can quit. Which is tempting. Very tempting. It's also the easy way out. My Dad always called me Mandy the Great as a child. It was because, even though I'm small, I am great and I finish what I start. God blessed us with 5 more embryos. We are at least lucky to have them. Some people have no embryos and are now at the end of their IVF road.

 

So, for these people, who have no more choices, I don't have the right to sulk for one more second. For these two babies:

 

 

 

I am not quitting. I cannot quit. Maybe in the end, none of the 5 will be take home babies. Maybe they will. But, I cannot live with myself unless I pick my ass up and find out.

 

 

 

The one thing that IF has taught me is that I'm not a quitter. Until my body says, "No more," I'm not done. I might be crazy. But, I'm not a quitter. So, which ever little frozen baby is our take home baby, we're coming for you. We will bring you home. That, my sweet child, is a promise. 





 



Fertile people can suck my ass

Seriously. I really don't mean to hurt people's feelings by this post. And, if your feelings are hurt, suck it up. You have no idea how your words of wisdom and hopeful feelings feel like a stab in the back. Of course it's easy for you to be hopeful. You had fucking sex and got pregnant. Like normal people. I don't even get to enjoy that because my body is so fucked up.

Yep. I tested. Oh, it's too early to test, your fertile self will want to tell me. Well, I've been in the trenches for YEARS and no, it's not too early. If I wasn't on these shitty meds, my period would be here tomorrow. But, now I have to be in this shitty limbo of me, knowing 100% that I'm not pregnant, but still taking this horrible shot in my ass, knowing it's preventing AF from coming.

And, while I already feel like a HUGE fucking failure, now I have to tell all of the people we told, like idiots. Mainly, our parents and a couple of friends. All of them have been so hopeful and think that if you pay $11k you automatically get a baby. For a minute, I let them suck me into that thinking. I'm mad at myself for even thinking it was possible. The worst will be telling my mom. She already feels like this infertility thing is her fault because that's what mom's do, take all the blame. Just like I take all of the blame for this little perfect embryo not sticking. So, if a perfect one won't stick, what makes me think that an FET will work. You guessed it, it probably won't work either. No, don't give me your "oh, but it will" bull. I'm not an idiot. And, I don't need to hear your, "Oh you just need to be positive and it will work" shit either. What the hell do you think I just did for this last cycle. Yeah, positive attitude doesn't get someone pregnant. Be real.

This is not the life I ever imagined for myself. One where I have to watch everyone have 2,3,4 babies in the same time I'm trying for just 1. I can't even tell you how it breaks my heart. Sure, I'm happy for them. But, to see other people living my dream is so painful. I adore kids. The only jobs I've ever had were caring for kids by babysitting and working at daycares as a kid and now teaching. So, I guess I'm only good enough to take care of other people's kids and not have my own.

Oh, it's God's plan? Um, sure. Just like the cracked out whore being pregnant. Yeah. That sounds just like what God would want. No. This is some hell I'm in and there's no way out.

So, I'll be taking a hiatus from posting. Of course, to end this hellish experience, I'll make sure to post my negative beta on Friday just to put a close on this horrible month. And, when we do FET, I won't post about it. I won't tell one single person. That is, if it even happens. I have no idea where that money will come from.

Taking my own advice

No matter what happens, whether it's the baby that was transferred last week or one of our 5 waiting on us, we have hope that one of them is our take home baby.

7dp5dt

I feel like such a big girl today. I didn't POAS. Thank heavens. It was like winning the lottery. For just one more day, I can pretend that it worked and I just tested early. Obviously, I hope that's true, but I just can't be sure. I woke up sweating like a gross hog this morning and had to change shirts. It was nasty. I was hot as all get out and my stomach hurt. Then, there was nausea. I think it was from being so hot. After taking Tums and sitting around for an hour or so, I felt much better. Eventually, I fell back to sleep. But, my stomach still hurts today. I'm not sure if I ate something weird yesterday, but it's icky.

Hopefully, this week goes by quickly and we can either celebrate or move on to whatever our next plan might be.