Still no AF...but another YAY! (NO...NOT Preggo!)

I started my infertility blogging in 2007...I wasn't all that good with updating it inbetween treatments, but I made sure I blogged the important stuff. Then, we took a break. I became a bad blogger. I quit using the email tied to my blog account...I forgot the email. I couldn't log into my blogger account and wasn't motivated enough to figure out how to do it. Once we decided to adopt, I put the infertility stuff in the back of my mind and started an adoption blog. The email that was tied to that blog was comprimised and everything was wiped out. I recently started this blog when we started ttc again and was instantly sad that I didn't have the old infertility blog to refer back to so I could see just how darn far we'd come. The other day, I received a message from an old friend whom I'd shared the old infertility blog with MANY years ago. Low and behold, the old message with the link to the old blog popped up and I could click on it and read my old blog! I can't even explain how happy this makes me! So, I am "following" my old blog because I don't know the email address or any other information I had back then. But, at least it isn't gone forever! If you're interested, it's in my "Following" column on the left side of this blog. I believe it's saved as "ttc baby number 2" or something like that. Enjoy!

As for me, I'm still waiting on cd 1. I threatened my body to start by noon or I'd call the RE and "tell" on it for not starting. It attempted to start, but by noon-ish, I wasn't impressed. So, I called the RE and left a message asking what I should do. Keep waiting? Anyone who knows me knows I lack patience. I'm all for giving myself more hormones to get things rolling. I don't really make any hormones to begin with, so I'm sure all of the estrogen I was given over the last two months has these lady parts beyond confussed! Besides, now that these parts are in top notch condition, I'd like to use them! And, no, again, I'm NOT pregnant! Frustrated, yes. Pregnant, no.

So excited, you'd think it were me that was preggo!

So, while NONE of my family or friends (minus a small amount of online friends and ONE person I know in real life) have access to this blog, I feel it is safe to post, nameless of course, about a very special person that I couldn't imagine being happier for! Actually, she's the only person I know in real life that I've told about this blog. And that was just the other day :) (I'm pretty private about my infertility feelings. What can I say?!)

After a yearS long struggle, she is pregnant! I cannot even explain how happy this makes me. More interesting and moving is the effect it had on me when she announced it. I completely understand the feelings that an infertile person has going through this journey. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. For me, what made it worse...she was one of my very best friends through elementary and middle school. We kept touch in high school and over the last few years, have reconnected through FB. When I learned of her struggle to conceive, it made me so incredibly sad. She is, seriously, one of the sweetest, kind-hearted people to walk this planet. I've never known her to say a bad word about another person. Of all people in the world, she should be a mom. She'll be the most amazing mom! So, when I read of her success after her yearS long struggle, I actually cried. Then, when I saw her beta, I cried again. I don't think I'd have been happier if it were me announcing it.

This happy crying over someone announcing a pregnancy is something new to me...not even an ounce of "woe is me". Which, I've done in the past. I am truly happy and my heart is smiling for her!

And, now...Optimism!

For the last month, I've just been living life. It's been great! Our doc said we can't try for the first month while my uterus heals, so I've been thinking of everything but trying. That part has been nice. I've been taking time to enjoy my family and get my house in order after the holidays.

I am now a week late. So, now I'm over the "heal and not try" relaxing phase. I want my cycle to start so I can get things underway. My RE said that after the bcp I was on before surgery and the estrogen I took after surgery, I could throw out the rule book on when I'd start. Which means, me being late is just a sign that my hormones are WAY messed up after all of those meds. And, NO, I'm not pregnant. Don't feel preggo, in the least...and I already took an hpt so I could tell my RE's office that I did when I call tomorrow. I know there are meds I can take to get it started. I think I'll probably need those to get me going this time. At least my surgery site has had ample time to heal and I won't have to worry about that when I do get pregnant. Because, I will! See that. Optimism. Now, to join the hope I have in my corner, comes optimism!

At my post-op appointment, our RE said that he feels fairly sure, that with the size of my septum, it was our main cause of our infertility. I teared up right there in his office. He really feels that 2 or 3 iui's will be what we need (and a LOT of meds) and we'll have our little miracle baby. I really do believe him. I know in my heart, there have been many times over the last few years that I have felt pregnant, gotten light, positive hpt, only to start AF a week late. I've been pregnant (for sure) at least two times that have been confirmed. Once you feel that feeling, you know when you feel it again. And, I feel pretty certain that I won't have to feel it again until it's a sticky and strong pregnancy. Thank God we found Dr. G!

What is this feeling...HOPE?

This morning, I woke up and the first thought I had was, "I, for the first time in my entire life, have a normal and healthy uterus!"

Surgery was great! My doc said that the septum was half the length of my uterus at around 1.5 inches. He originally thought it was 1.5 cm. Big difference! Because it was so big, I have to take estrogen for two weeks to promote healing and lessen the chance for scar tissue. Then, after my appointment in February, we are free to start trying again. We'll do meds again and an iui. It's our decision and our doc said he was on board for whatever we wanted to do.

I feel so grateful that we found him because, for the first time in a long time, I have an amazing feeling of hope running through me. I really feel that this infertility journey is about to have one amazing conclusion!

New Uterus Surgery

Well, tomorrow is the day. The septum surgery that will help us get and stay pregnant is finally going to happen. I have mixed emotions. On one hand, I'm beyond excited that there is a fixable problem that can be fixed. On the other hand, what if it doesn't work. What if there are still so many underlying hormonal issues that it doesn't matter if I have the perfect uterus. I know. One thing at a time. But, I don't work that way.

Eight years of infertility makes a person jaded. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then...there's the "what if I get pregnant" stress. Yeah, doesn't make much sense, does it? But, really it does. Pregnancy brings an entirely different kind of worry that scares the living mess out of me. I have this visualization track on my iPod that my doctor recommended. It really did work to help me think more positively. I stopped listening to it when we put the iui on hold and scheduled the surgery. I think I'll start listening to it again next week to help calm my fears.

Okay. Here goes nothing! Next time I write, I'll have a regular bionic uterus capable of carrying a baby during a very healthy and normal pregnancy...how's that for positive!!

IF and the feelings of loss

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
                                     ~Laura Bush

I came across this quote today and found it very true. It's hard to explain that with every negative cycle and each miscarriage there is a feeling of loss that accompanies it. Those that have never been infertile will never understand. I guess that's a good thing. The pain of infertility isn't one you want to spread all around. An infertile couple has a lot of time wrapped up in imagining their unconceived child. What will his personality be like? Who will she look like? Month after month, every negative pregnancy test seems like saying goodbye to that unborn child again and again.

The hope in our case is that my stubbornness and will to succeed is far greater than the infertility we have come across in our journey. Yes, it's been an 8 year battle, but I have a lot more fight left. Watch out IF...I'm here to kick your ass.

We had the pre op appointment today and it went well. I feel very reassured that it is indeed a septum and not a bicornate uterus, as other doctors thought it was. He was able to show us pictures from my sonohysterogram to show me that the uterus is completely normal on the outside. He also wrote me about six prescriptions for antibiotics, pain meds, and birth control!

Yes. I said birth control. Taking that pill today made me crack up! It's to keep my lining thin for surgery but, it's still funny! And, he told us to use back up protection...really? I wouldn't be here if I needed back up protection!

So, we are all set to have a new bionic and modified uterus! He feels very hopeful that this surgery will help. We also talked about upping my doses of fertility meds the next time. I have weird things going on with my hormones and he thinks that different (read:higher) doses will also help. Oh, and my progesterone sucked. So, I'll get a booster shot to help with that after the iui. Of course, we will be waiting until somewhere in the middle of February before any of this gets started back up any way, but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end. I know I'd do it all over again if it leads to a baby.