This week...here goes nothing!

I should start AF any day now. The sooner, the better. This is my last week of school before summer break. I'll have to miss some afternoon for my cd3 u/s. I would much rather have it be on Wednesday or Thursday since I am pretty sure I can't be out on Friday anyway. Look, I'm stressing already. Ok. I'm over it. Oh, are those cramps I feel. Oh boy! Fingers crossed...

Apparently, my hubs forgot/didn't know/lost his mind, or something. I told him that it was time to gear up for our last cycle. He said he thought we were done...seriously? He's insane. I explained that we weren't done because I wasn't knocked up. He looked confused and then somewhere in the back of his mind, must have found the memory of us saying that we'd try one more month...sweet heavens. Then, he mumbled something about money and being able to afford treatments and then I tuned out until his vent was over. Of course, I do care if we spend every last dime on treatments. But, we haven't, yet, so I'm not worried.

So, I think everyone is on the same page now. Hopefully, AF decides to cooperate and start tomorrow or Tuesday...

Mental Block

After my miscarriage in 2006, I questioned my ability to be able to stay pregnant. I think it's a fear that I've had a hard time letting go of. But, while driving home yesterday, I had the realization that I have indeed carried a pregnancy to full term and now with my body in better shape with my septum fixed, I can certainly do it again. It actually made me realize that infertility has become my fallback when another cycle fails. But, now I need to make my mind realize that it's okay to be pregnant and that I can and will do it. Next month is our very last cycle of treatments. On one hand, that's scary. On the other hand, it's a relief to know that this does have a finish line. I just pray that my real finish line is in 10 months after my last cycle is a success and I'm holding a healthy baby in my arms.

Waiting for AF...

It's funny how that works. The last two months, I didn't want to see AF. Now, that we're in wait mode, I can't wait for next month and my next AF to get back to ttc'ing. I know that my next AF will bring big changes for us. It will be our very last iui ever. It just has to work. This is kind of a relief. Partially, because I know it will work :) It has to. Plus, I have a feeling in my gut that it will work. Of course, I said that the last two months, but I was just kidding.

The hubs and I are thinking "baby", too. We have three cars, but two drivers. Kind of dumb and a huge waste of money. The most expensive of the three cars sits in the driveway most days of the week. Really dumb. So, we've decided to trade in two of the cars and get something that a backwards facing carseat will fit into. None of the three we have now would be what we'd consider practical with all of that baby stuff. We test drove a few and it was fun talking about which vehicles would allow for a baby seat in the back. It definately made it seem that it is a real possibility.

I really need to work on my stress level though. I'm not sure how, but I need to do something. It's not about ttc'ing, but life in general. Mainly, I just saw my total student loan amount after finishing my Masters...that will freak a person out. Maybe I need to get a run or two in. Otherwise, I'm going to drive the hubs crazy this weekend!!

OMG.

I weighed myself this morning. BAD idea! I knew I was "bloated" from the last two months of pumping myself full of hormones. The Easter candy "bloated" me a little, too. But, 10 pounds?! Ugh. I know if I drink a ton of water and eat right and workout and skip the candy basket and not eat anything with salt...I'll be fine by the time June rolls around. That's my goal anyway. My gut looks puffy...I'm afraid people will assume I'm knocked up and ask me if I am...which I'm not. Then, I have to tell them that I'm just fat/puffy not knocked up. That sucks. Maybe I should just buy a girdle and call it a day.

Today was my son's First Communion. He looked adorable! See:

What a sweetie pie he is! We're so proud of him! Oh, I can't forget the cake:

Amazing, right? The lady is just a local woman who decorates cakes. It tasted just as good as it looks, too.

I just can't believe that my 'baby' is 8 (almost 9) and receiving his First Communion. I remember mine like it was yesterday. I actually got out my own First Communion dress to show him. I must have been VERY tiny as an 8 year old. I held my dress up to my son and, wow did it look little! Of course I'm not very big now either, minus the 10 pound bloat/fat/puff. See:

He's 8...Clearly, I'm much older than 8. I swear that a month ago he was just up to my shoulder. He's growing up so fast. I can't wait to see what he becomes and what an amazing adult he will grow up to be.

It's how I do it...

Endurance. Persistent. Perseverance. I have them all. They've all trained me for this moment. The moment when we have one.last.iui.left. That's it. We can't afford more. We've done 5. My lucky number is 6.

I played tennis in high school and college. During matches, I usually went into the third set. I wore my opponent out. Then, I beat the snot out of them. With tennis etiquette of course. So, I'm treating infertility like a tennis match...I still have plenty of energy left. Infertility: well, I can tell that she's all out of steam. Yep. It's my turn biotch. In June, you will lose this match, infertility. And, I won't do it with etiquette. I'm going balls deep at kicking your ass. You can't compete with this! Run and hide because I'm over you! Mark my words: This time next year, I'll be holding my precious baby in my arms and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.

CD 1

Today starts our break month. I feel great about it actually. The thought of starting back up with our next iui when I'm out of school for the summer is refreshing. No sick days for doctors appointments, no shots, no sub lesson plans, no 20 questions from the kids when I get back, etc. That will be refreshing. That's not to say that I'm not excited to start back up in June, because I am. June IS my month. It will be our 6th iui. June is the 6th month of the year. It's 6 weeks from today...six has always been my lucky number...that's a good sign, right?

On an non-infertility note, this weekend is my son's First Communion. He looks absolutely adorable in his suit! I can remember, like it was yesterday, my First Communion. My dress and veil were such a big deal! I remember tasting the bread and wine for the first time and being scandalized that I actually drank wine. Ayden, on the other hand, can't wait to taste the wine on Sunday. Heaven help us!

12dpiui

I got another +hpt this morning. I really think it's the trigger now though. It wasn't much darker than yesterday. Maybe just a little, but not enough to make me think it is anything of significance. I'm crampy and spotted yesterday. I don't feel like this is my month, so I'm onto planning for next month. The plan is: NOTHING! I cannot take anymore time off work. The stress from that is killing me. Besides that, I need a mini-break to get my head together. Then, we're back on for the same iui protocol the next cycle. By then, I'll be out of school for the summer and can relax and not stress out about my long drive to my RE's office and missing work so much each month.

So, what's in store for my month off...watching my son's baseball games, drinking beer, running, walking, yoga, meditating, reading, and then a little more baseball game watching! I have a psychic lady who I discuss things with and she has been guiding me in all things fertility and otherwise. The hubs would DIE if he knew I bought into that stuff as much as I do...but, based on what she said, it matches what I've been feeling in my heart. I need a mental break and then I need to not be so stressed and obsessed when we get back to it in June.