The anxiety level today was amped up big time. In my heart, I know everything is okay. I did not feel this way with our last pregnancy. In fact, I felt from the start that something was wrong. However, I'm still terrified that something will happen and this will all be taken away from us.
I knew once I hit 5 weeks, it would be difficult. I didn't know how difficult though. I had no idea that my entire body would be wrapped in anxiety. It sucks.
Our loss a few years ago was at 8w3d, so I assume it won't get better until I see that things are progressing well past this time with this pregnancy. I don't really have many symptoms right now, so I don't have anything to really tell me at this point that everything is fine. I'm not asking for morning sickness, don't get me wrong! A little nausea would be okay every now and then though. It's still early for that, I suppose.
I feel very distant from my own body and what is happening right now. I suppose it is so I can protect my feelings. I am jealous of my younger self when I was pregnant with Ayden. I had no idea that things could go wrong in pregnancy. I had no idea that people try for years and can't get pregnant. Back then, I just assumed that it would always be easy for us. Clearly, I'm not a psychic.
On a good note, one more day down, and for today, I'm pregnant.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
5 weeks
I'm a nervous wreck. I'm scared to go to the bathroom because in the past, at 5 weeks, it wasn't pretty. However, since I have to pee about every hour, it's impossible to avoid. I wish sleeping through the next few weeks was possible.
Since it's not, I decided to finally order a refill on my PIO. I'm not sure what I was waiting for. Most likely, I was just sure I wouldn't need it. But, crazy thing, I do. I only have a couple of days worth of PIO left, so it was time.
Symptom wise, things don't feel much different than they did during the 2ww. Sore boobs, bloating. The only new thing is the extreme amount of sleep I feel like I need around 2pm. The last couple of days, I came home and fell asleep on the couch. Last night, I finally slept a full night, which felt amazing. My back is a little achy, but with the growing going on, I assume this is normal.
While I'm so happy to be pregnant, I'm so scared to get too excited quite yet. Hopefully, as we start to see things progress, we'll start to get excited and believe this is really happening. Right now, it still kinda feels like someone else's life.
Since it's not, I decided to finally order a refill on my PIO. I'm not sure what I was waiting for. Most likely, I was just sure I wouldn't need it. But, crazy thing, I do. I only have a couple of days worth of PIO left, so it was time.
Symptom wise, things don't feel much different than they did during the 2ww. Sore boobs, bloating. The only new thing is the extreme amount of sleep I feel like I need around 2pm. The last couple of days, I came home and fell asleep on the couch. Last night, I finally slept a full night, which felt amazing. My back is a little achy, but with the growing going on, I assume this is normal.
While I'm so happy to be pregnant, I'm so scared to get too excited quite yet. Hopefully, as we start to see things progress, we'll start to get excited and believe this is really happening. Right now, it still kinda feels like someone else's life.
Monday, April 21, 2014
So, I guess this is really happening?
1561. What?! That's right. A doubling time of 36 hours. Bam.
Naturally, getting that number given to us wasn't as easy as giving it to you all. The lab forgot to fax the results. By 12:30pm I was a mess. Our RE's office only gives bad news after noon. True story. I texted the hubs and made him go to the lab and get the results himself. They wouldn't give them to him so he flipped out asking if they'd even faxed them yet. LONG story short, they forgot to fax them.
So, what does any hormonal lady do? Call them herself and flip the hell out on the lab, also. I couldn't let the hubs have all the fun. Note, this is the same lab that will be jabbing my arm with a needle next week. Should have thought that out completely. Oops.
Needless to say, the results were faxed and my RE's office called me 30 minutes later. Of course, the RE's office had no clue that the hubs and I had just been freaking out all day, flipping out on the lab, worried. So, when the nurse gave me my beta, I was so full of a zillion emotions, I didn't even cry. I wanted to, but first, there was a co-worker in my room, so that would have been weird. Second, again, I was shocked. Like, no words left to tell how shocked I was. This IVF shit really works. Who knew?
So, today I AM PREGNANT!!!!
Edited to add: My progesterone is >120! Another yay for this girl who doesn't make her own!!!! This is such a relief!
Naturally, getting that number given to us wasn't as easy as giving it to you all. The lab forgot to fax the results. By 12:30pm I was a mess. Our RE's office only gives bad news after noon. True story. I texted the hubs and made him go to the lab and get the results himself. They wouldn't give them to him so he flipped out asking if they'd even faxed them yet. LONG story short, they forgot to fax them.
So, what does any hormonal lady do? Call them herself and flip the hell out on the lab, also. I couldn't let the hubs have all the fun. Note, this is the same lab that will be jabbing my arm with a needle next week. Should have thought that out completely. Oops.
Needless to say, the results were faxed and my RE's office called me 30 minutes later. Of course, the RE's office had no clue that the hubs and I had just been freaking out all day, flipping out on the lab, worried. So, when the nurse gave me my beta, I was so full of a zillion emotions, I didn't even cry. I wanted to, but first, there was a co-worker in my room, so that would have been weird. Second, again, I was shocked. Like, no words left to tell how shocked I was. This IVF shit really works. Who knew?
So, today I AM PREGNANT!!!!
Edited to add: My progesterone is >120! Another yay for this girl who doesn't make her own!!!! This is such a relief!
14dp5dt (4w5d): Beta Day, Take Two
First, let me start this entry by explaining that I'm typing on a couple of hours of sleep. Three to be exact. How will I make it through the entire day? No clue. I woke up at 2am to pee and haven't been back to sleep since. It's now 5:45am and I'm not sure I see the point in sleeping until tonight at this point.
Second, today is beta #2. I'm nervous. Very nervous. I have no reason to believe that things aren't going amazingly in there, but I also have no reason to believe the opposite either. I should hear by noon, so only half of my day will be spent full of anxiety.
We told our parents at dinner last night. We figured that (Heaven forbid) if something happens, we'll need support this time. Honestly, I feel differently this time, but it's still scary.
My mom, as moms tend to do, has been holding herself responsible for our fertility issues. It took her five years to have me, so she's been here. It took her another two to have my brother. She gets it.
I have been working on a movie for the last year, recording our IVF story. I never knew it would have to continue to be added to again and again and again. Well, that's what we showed to our parents. Cue water works. My mom was a mess. Just as I assumed she'd be.
However, she had a dream the night before that I'd shown her a positive pregnancy test during Easter dinner. Can't keep anything from that lady. I swear.
My MIL and FIL were just as thrilled, as was my brother. I'll call my dad after my blood test today. He wasn't able to make it up, so he'll just have to wait for the news. My SIL, well, she wasn't as excited. I'm not sure if she thinks we're stealing her thunder (Remember, she is pregnant, too.), but she was very, blah about it. Whatever.
Everyone was strictly instructed to keep their traps shut. Ayden won't be finding out until we are close to the 2nd trimester. He still remembers the last time and he was only 3. We can't have that happening again.
So, today, the goal is to get over the next hurdle. Beta #2. I find myself saying, "Today, I am pregnant" a lot. Multiple times a day. When I start thinking of the long road ahead, this actually helps. I'm sure I'll be a ball of anxiety this week, as I've never made it through week 5 of a pregnancy without bleeding. So, starting Wednesday, I should be hooked up to a valium drip. I'll mention that to my RE. I'm sure he'll go for it...Of course, the reason I bled was because I don't make my own progesterone. Clearly, with these butt shots and suppositories, this issue has been covered. But, it's still a mental block I need to get through this week.
Other than that: Today, I am pregnant!! I still can't believe it.
Second, today is beta #2. I'm nervous. Very nervous. I have no reason to believe that things aren't going amazingly in there, but I also have no reason to believe the opposite either. I should hear by noon, so only half of my day will be spent full of anxiety.
We told our parents at dinner last night. We figured that (Heaven forbid) if something happens, we'll need support this time. Honestly, I feel differently this time, but it's still scary.
My mom, as moms tend to do, has been holding herself responsible for our fertility issues. It took her five years to have me, so she's been here. It took her another two to have my brother. She gets it.
I have been working on a movie for the last year, recording our IVF story. I never knew it would have to continue to be added to again and again and again. Well, that's what we showed to our parents. Cue water works. My mom was a mess. Just as I assumed she'd be.
However, she had a dream the night before that I'd shown her a positive pregnancy test during Easter dinner. Can't keep anything from that lady. I swear.
My MIL and FIL were just as thrilled, as was my brother. I'll call my dad after my blood test today. He wasn't able to make it up, so he'll just have to wait for the news. My SIL, well, she wasn't as excited. I'm not sure if she thinks we're stealing her thunder (Remember, she is pregnant, too.), but she was very, blah about it. Whatever.
Everyone was strictly instructed to keep their traps shut. Ayden won't be finding out until we are close to the 2nd trimester. He still remembers the last time and he was only 3. We can't have that happening again.
So, today, the goal is to get over the next hurdle. Beta #2. I find myself saying, "Today, I am pregnant" a lot. Multiple times a day. When I start thinking of the long road ahead, this actually helps. I'm sure I'll be a ball of anxiety this week, as I've never made it through week 5 of a pregnancy without bleeding. So, starting Wednesday, I should be hooked up to a valium drip. I'll mention that to my RE. I'm sure he'll go for it...Of course, the reason I bled was because I don't make my own progesterone. Clearly, with these butt shots and suppositories, this issue has been covered. But, it's still a mental block I need to get through this week.
Other than that: Today, I am pregnant!! I still can't believe it.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Insomnia, Cottage Cheese, and God
For the last week, I've been waking up around 2am. Then, I'm up until 4 or 5. So, that's been interesting. This morning, I woke up around 1am. Decided that peeing was important enough to get up for. Then, I laid in bed for the next hour. Craving cottage cheese.
Finally, I decided that there would be no other time in my life where getting up and eating cottage cheese at 2am would be remotely acceptable, so I gave in to the idea. It was so good. Now, when I fall asleep again is anyone's guess.
Today is Easter. Last week through today was the week of miracles. To have our pregnancy happen this week? How miraculous.
Let's run down this cycle to see how jacked up it was so you can see the miracle yourself:
1. I bled all through bcp. Never fully downreg'd. That sucked. Big time.
2. Had a cyst and was delayed a week.
3. My doc was on vacation so the other doc was my doc. I don't like him. Ok. This one might be stretching it, but he isn't exactly gentle and he did weird things with my meds this time.
4. My ER was dreadful and we now have a $1900 bill from the PICU because of it. Yay.
5. Only 2 embryos remained on day 5 with nothing to freeze. Good ol' Dudley.
6. My uterus has failed for 10 years. (10 1/2 in June)
So, how did this cycle work? I have no clue. I literally had faith the size of a mustard seed. That was all I could manage. I truly thought it wouldn't work. The hubs and I had already discussed our next steps because I needed to know where we'd be going next. I was ready to switch clinics.
Mustard seed faith. But, that's all you need. There were so many times in the last decade where I could have given up and just stopped. We had quit a few times. Something kept telling me to just keep trying. That something would eventually click. There are no words for how I feel today, sitting here knowing that this would have never been if I'd have really quit. Not listened to my heart.
Knowing that what God puts in your heart, he will eventually bring to fruition, that's what kept me going. I had no clue when my 'eventually' would be. As crazy as this sounds, last week, I wrote a letter to God. It basically declared this the time for my blessing. I carried it in my wallet and read it whenever I needed to be reminded that this was in God's hands, not mine. It was His promise, not mine. Is this what made the change in this crappy cycle? In this Easter week of miracles? I really think so. I waited a long time for this blessing, but I didn't quit. God really did come through on his promise. It wasn't in my timing. Not even close! It was in His.
Finally, I decided that there would be no other time in my life where getting up and eating cottage cheese at 2am would be remotely acceptable, so I gave in to the idea. It was so good. Now, when I fall asleep again is anyone's guess.
Today is Easter. Last week through today was the week of miracles. To have our pregnancy happen this week? How miraculous.
Let's run down this cycle to see how jacked up it was so you can see the miracle yourself:
1. I bled all through bcp. Never fully downreg'd. That sucked. Big time.
2. Had a cyst and was delayed a week.
3. My doc was on vacation so the other doc was my doc. I don't like him. Ok. This one might be stretching it, but he isn't exactly gentle and he did weird things with my meds this time.
4. My ER was dreadful and we now have a $1900 bill from the PICU because of it. Yay.
5. Only 2 embryos remained on day 5 with nothing to freeze. Good ol' Dudley.
6. My uterus has failed for 10 years. (10 1/2 in June)
So, how did this cycle work? I have no clue. I literally had faith the size of a mustard seed. That was all I could manage. I truly thought it wouldn't work. The hubs and I had already discussed our next steps because I needed to know where we'd be going next. I was ready to switch clinics.
Mustard seed faith. But, that's all you need. There were so many times in the last decade where I could have given up and just stopped. We had quit a few times. Something kept telling me to just keep trying. That something would eventually click. There are no words for how I feel today, sitting here knowing that this would have never been if I'd have really quit. Not listened to my heart.
Knowing that what God puts in your heart, he will eventually bring to fruition, that's what kept me going. I had no clue when my 'eventually' would be. As crazy as this sounds, last week, I wrote a letter to God. It basically declared this the time for my blessing. I carried it in my wallet and read it whenever I needed to be reminded that this was in God's hands, not mine. It was His promise, not mine. Is this what made the change in this crappy cycle? In this Easter week of miracles? I really think so. I waited a long time for this blessing, but I didn't quit. God really did come through on his promise. It wasn't in my timing. Not even close! It was in His.
12dp5dt (4w3d)
The IF brain and pregnancy loss brain are in full force. I'm terrified, to say the least. The hubs is ready to tell our parents tomorrow on Easter. I'm terrified that it will jinx it and this will all be taken away. I realize that is insane sounding, but this is how IF brain must take over in pregnancy. It's rough.
At this point, symptoms are very minor and come and go, so that's of no help. Some mornings or evenings I'm nauseous, but then when I'm not, I worry. Sometimes, my bloat is out of control, other times, it's not. So, I worry. I don't know when this all ends. Most likely when we are holding our baby in our arms. Then, it's a completely different worry.
To try and ease my mind, I did my last HPT this morning. Here's what I got:
With the test line being so much darker than the control line, it eased my mind a little. Maybe for today, I'll feel okay. I'm not gonna lie. This is a lot more emotionally rough than I was expecting. Please don't get me wrong. I am so happy. I'm just scared to show it for fear of this all being taken away from me. My miscarriage was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I need that beta to double so badly on Monday. That will help for a couple of days (or hours).
At this point, all I can do is take it day-by-day and realize that this is out of my control. I can take it easy, remember to breathe, and pray like a mad woman that this is our take home baby.
At this point, symptoms are very minor and come and go, so that's of no help. Some mornings or evenings I'm nauseous, but then when I'm not, I worry. Sometimes, my bloat is out of control, other times, it's not. So, I worry. I don't know when this all ends. Most likely when we are holding our baby in our arms. Then, it's a completely different worry.
To try and ease my mind, I did my last HPT this morning. Here's what I got:
With the test line being so much darker than the control line, it eased my mind a little. Maybe for today, I'll feel okay. I'm not gonna lie. This is a lot more emotionally rough than I was expecting. Please don't get me wrong. I am so happy. I'm just scared to show it for fear of this all being taken away from me. My miscarriage was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I need that beta to double so badly on Monday. That will help for a couple of days (or hours).
At this point, all I can do is take it day-by-day and realize that this is out of my control. I can take it easy, remember to breathe, and pray like a mad woman that this is our take home baby.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Beta #1 is in!!!!
I've never heard a nurse more excited in my life. Of course in her line of work, these phone calls are probably more fun to make than the one's we've gotten in the past.
On to the good stuff. By tomorrow, they wanted my number over 100. Today, it was 257! So, it's official. For another day, I'm pregnant. Holy crap. I can't even believe that I'm typing that. There are no words for how surreal this feels.
I'll have another beta on Monday, then another one the following Monday. If all goes well, our first ultrasound will be the first week in May. She gave us a temporary due date. How fun! It's December 24, 2014. Christmas Eve. Wow. That seems so far away. Fingers, legs, arms, toes, and everything else crossed that we get that far. Lots of prayers will help, too.
On to the good stuff. By tomorrow, they wanted my number over 100. Today, it was 257! So, it's official. For another day, I'm pregnant. Holy crap. I can't even believe that I'm typing that. There are no words for how surreal this feels.
I'll have another beta on Monday, then another one the following Monday. If all goes well, our first ultrasound will be the first week in May. She gave us a temporary due date. How fun! It's December 24, 2014. Christmas Eve. Wow. That seems so far away. Fingers, legs, arms, toes, and everything else crossed that we get that far. Lots of prayers will help, too.
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