12dp5dt (4w3d)

The IF brain and pregnancy loss brain are in full force. I'm terrified, to say the least. The hubs is ready to tell our parents tomorrow on Easter. I'm terrified that it will jinx it and this will all be taken away. I realize that is insane sounding, but this is how IF brain must take over in pregnancy. It's rough.

At this point, symptoms are very minor and come and go, so that's of no help. Some mornings or evenings I'm nauseous, but then when I'm not, I worry. Sometimes, my bloat is out of control, other times, it's not. So, I worry. I don't know when this all ends. Most likely when we are holding our baby in our arms. Then, it's a completely different worry.

To try and ease my mind, I did my last HPT this morning. Here's what I got:

With the test line being so much darker than the control line, it eased my mind a little. Maybe for today, I'll feel okay. I'm not gonna lie. This is a lot more emotionally rough than I was expecting. Please don't get me wrong. I am so happy. I'm just scared to show it for fear of this all being taken away from me. My miscarriage was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I need that beta to double so badly on Monday. That will help for a couple of days (or hours).

At this point, all I can do is take it day-by-day and realize that this is out of my control. I can take it easy, remember to breathe, and pray like a mad woman that this is our take home baby.